Friday, June 22, 2007
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
her body stay vicious, she be up in the gym just working on her fitness
Alright. There is this horse-faced chick on Much Music. Her name is Leah Miller. All my friends seem to like her cuz she's got big tits and a small waist. I think she is kind of annoying, though. On Saturday I was watching a repeat of Leah Miller's interview with my future wife, Hilary Duff. Fucking brutal. Leah spent more time trying to become friends with Hilary than actually interviewing her. I mean, it was so pathetic that even the 12 year old girls in the audience asked more insightful questions.
12 year old girl in the audience: Hi Hilary. I love your music. My question is what artist would you most like to collaborate with?
Hilary Duff: Wow, what a good question. I'd really love to work with Akon. Everyone else seems to be putting out hit songs with him.
Leah Miller: Oh my gawd, Hilary!! That's what I would've said... I mean...if I actually was a singer... and anyone cared what I thought. Lets take our next audience question. Yes, the guy who looks like he hasn't showered in a week, whats your question for Hilary?
Hootch: My question is, apart from going out with the least talented person in the world, Joel Madden, what else would you change about your personal and professional life?
Hilary Duff: Hmmm. Thats an interesting question. I guess I would start by...
Hootch: Sorry for interrupting, Hilary. I had a quick "add on" to my question. I just wanted to let you know I love your videos. Their composition and story-telling are really quite extraordinary and first class. I jack it to them all he time.
Hilary: Oh my gawd. Thats soooo sweet. Did you know I use that as motivation? Whenever I'm on set shooting a video and its already been a long day, sometimes all I wanna do is say "fuck it" and go home. But, I just think of all the dateless, lonely, geezers like you who rely on me to produce crankage material, and it really gives me that extra boost of energy I need to complete the day.
Anyway, that Leah Miller interview with Hilary Duff was pretty shit.
12 year old girl in the audience: Hi Hilary. I love your music. My question is what artist would you most like to collaborate with?
Hilary Duff: Wow, what a good question. I'd really love to work with Akon. Everyone else seems to be putting out hit songs with him.
Leah Miller: Oh my gawd, Hilary!! That's what I would've said... I mean...if I actually was a singer... and anyone cared what I thought. Lets take our next audience question. Yes, the guy who looks like he hasn't showered in a week, whats your question for Hilary?
Hootch: My question is, apart from going out with the least talented person in the world, Joel Madden, what else would you change about your personal and professional life?
Hilary Duff: Hmmm. Thats an interesting question. I guess I would start by...
Hootch: Sorry for interrupting, Hilary. I had a quick "add on" to my question. I just wanted to let you know I love your videos. Their composition and story-telling are really quite extraordinary and first class. I jack it to them all he time.
Hilary: Oh my gawd. Thats soooo sweet. Did you know I use that as motivation? Whenever I'm on set shooting a video and its already been a long day, sometimes all I wanna do is say "fuck it" and go home. But, I just think of all the dateless, lonely, geezers like you who rely on me to produce crankage material, and it really gives me that extra boost of energy I need to complete the day.
Anyway, that Leah Miller interview with Hilary Duff was pretty shit.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Thursday, June 07, 2007
we got action (how to lose all your money in one day)
Sold Forzanis and Stelco at a bit of a loss for an opportunity to play GQC on the Venture and OIL on the Toronto xchange.
GQC ran up over 300% yesterday as the mining company had terrific results from the hole they dug. The stock traded roughly 25% of its float. Fucking nuts. I got 5000 shares at 1.47. If the stock doesn't pop at the open I'll be surprised... and perhaps a little suicidal.
OIL is expecting some results from a few of their projects within the next week or so. The stock has been climbing in anticipation. I have 300 shares at 12.31.
Really, I know next to nothing about these companies and its never a good idea to chase a stock... or whores... but I'm a sucker for both.
If both stocks tank the whores in Toronto will go hungry.
GQC ran up over 300% yesterday as the mining company had terrific results from the hole they dug. The stock traded roughly 25% of its float. Fucking nuts. I got 5000 shares at 1.47. If the stock doesn't pop at the open I'll be surprised... and perhaps a little suicidal.
OIL is expecting some results from a few of their projects within the next week or so. The stock has been climbing in anticipation. I have 300 shares at 12.31.
Really, I know next to nothing about these companies and its never a good idea to chase a stock... or whores... but I'm a sucker for both.
If both stocks tank the whores in Toronto will go hungry.
Monday, June 04, 2007
Monday morning musings
Anyone else see Cameron Diaz slutting it up yesterday on the MTV movie awards? Damn, she looked surprisingly pretty. She looked like she was getting a little meat back on those bones. Reminded me a little of her in The Mask. Even so, you could still tell it was just a matter of time before Justin moved on and tapped something a little younger. Enter Jessica Biel. Smokin'. Thats the way to do it, kid.
On Friday, I mentioned a couple stocks I'm playing for a (hopeful) bump initiated by takeover speculation. I bought 120 shares of Forzanis at 25.40. On Friday it closed at 24.85. Forzanis, on friday, said they were approached by private equity but told them they were not interested in selling the company. Enter the dick in my ass. I'll keep watch of the stock and if it looks like its going significantly lower I'll sell today. Ideally, I would like to keep the stock until Tuesday were FGL is scheduled to release their Q1 numbers. I'm guessing the numbers will be strong and there are whisperings that the company will initiate a dividend policy. Fingers crossed, as this may be the catalyst for a pop in price.
Stelco is the other stock I'm trying to hit for a short-term flip. I bought 105 shares at 31, on friday and it closed at 31.90. Stelco is this deeply troubled company that I normally wouldn't touch. However, its in a sector where everything is being consolidated and the company said they are actually in preliminary talks and exploring all options for maximizing shareholder value. Still, this doesn't mean shit and its still a fairly risky play but I'll chase the rumours and see where it gets me.
Ordinarily its never a good idea to chase a stock on rumours. However me and good ideas are like water and oil.
On Friday, I mentioned a couple stocks I'm playing for a (hopeful) bump initiated by takeover speculation. I bought 120 shares of Forzanis at 25.40. On Friday it closed at 24.85. Forzanis, on friday, said they were approached by private equity but told them they were not interested in selling the company. Enter the dick in my ass. I'll keep watch of the stock and if it looks like its going significantly lower I'll sell today. Ideally, I would like to keep the stock until Tuesday were FGL is scheduled to release their Q1 numbers. I'm guessing the numbers will be strong and there are whisperings that the company will initiate a dividend policy. Fingers crossed, as this may be the catalyst for a pop in price.
Stelco is the other stock I'm trying to hit for a short-term flip. I bought 105 shares at 31, on friday and it closed at 31.90. Stelco is this deeply troubled company that I normally wouldn't touch. However, its in a sector where everything is being consolidated and the company said they are actually in preliminary talks and exploring all options for maximizing shareholder value. Still, this doesn't mean shit and its still a fairly risky play but I'll chase the rumours and see where it gets me.
Ordinarily its never a good idea to chase a stock on rumours. However me and good ideas are like water and oil.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
stuff
Feeling pretty good now. Yesterday the football team I play for won the first game of the season. We beat the team that won the championship last year so that was pretty exciting and maybe a little unexpected, but fuck it. we played well.
I'll get to the game a little later on but right now the main reason I'm feeling pretty good is cuz I finally was able to track down and download Renegade Soundwave's most hardcore song - Kray Twins. This song is like the soundtrack your most bizzarre highschool acid trip or your attempts to fuck when completely bombed out of your skull feeling good. For sure its a great time, you're buck naked but you just cant manage to insert anything anywhere cuz you'd rather focus on making random noises with your mouth while showing off your African Tribal dance technique. Anyway, the song is great.
I cant really think of the football game right now as I've broken one of my personal rules to investing. Other people do it, but I am not a fan of borrowing money to invest. However yesterday, amongst rumours that the Forzani Group will be bought out by private equity, I tapped into my line of credit and bought 210 shares at @ 25.10. Yesterday the Forzani Group closed at 25.29 but after the bell, reports came out that confirmed the rumour but also stated that Forzani has no apparent interest in being taken private. So I'm not sure how this one will break out at the open today. I may very well end up getting fucked in the ass, but lets hope not.
Same scenario happening with Stelco this morning. Stelco is this really troubled canadian steel company attracting interest from foreign ownership. I may make a play on Stelco as well today. Pre-market looks fucking nuts. Lots of activity.
Keep in mind, the above is in no way a solicitation or an endorsement of these companies. I do not have any designations. I'm just a dumb motherfucker trying to make a buck.
I'll get to the game a little later on but right now the main reason I'm feeling pretty good is cuz I finally was able to track down and download Renegade Soundwave's most hardcore song - Kray Twins. This song is like the soundtrack your most bizzarre highschool acid trip or your attempts to fuck when completely bombed out of your skull feeling good. For sure its a great time, you're buck naked but you just cant manage to insert anything anywhere cuz you'd rather focus on making random noises with your mouth while showing off your African Tribal dance technique. Anyway, the song is great.
I cant really think of the football game right now as I've broken one of my personal rules to investing. Other people do it, but I am not a fan of borrowing money to invest. However yesterday, amongst rumours that the Forzani Group will be bought out by private equity, I tapped into my line of credit and bought 210 shares at @ 25.10. Yesterday the Forzani Group closed at 25.29 but after the bell, reports came out that confirmed the rumour but also stated that Forzani has no apparent interest in being taken private. So I'm not sure how this one will break out at the open today. I may very well end up getting fucked in the ass, but lets hope not.
Same scenario happening with Stelco this morning. Stelco is this really troubled canadian steel company attracting interest from foreign ownership. I may make a play on Stelco as well today. Pre-market looks fucking nuts. Lots of activity.
Keep in mind, the above is in no way a solicitation or an endorsement of these companies. I do not have any designations. I'm just a dumb motherfucker trying to make a buck.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Lidell vs Jackson; Ms Universe vs Akira
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Friday, May 25, 2007
the ho's I knows - Part 1: Kanai - I'm pretty sure she hates me
I know this girl. Her name is Kanai. Kanai hustles at my neighbourhood strip joint. She is extraordinairily beautiful. "Beautiful" is not a word I'd normally use to describe a girl, but in this case it can not be helped. Kanai is beautiful. Gotdamn she is.
Last year I spent one evening with Kanai at her club. While that was enough to lessen her hatred for me, it wasn't enough for her to go home and sleep with me. Too bad.
Kanai liked to rock the sophisticated and elegant angle. Unlike the other strippers, you'd never catch Kanai snorting coke by the darkened emergency exit, or fucking the 40 year old pony-tailed DJ who thought he had his finger on the pulse of everything cool, young and hip and who insisted on playing Norweigen rock super-group A-Ha's "Take On Me" at least 3 times a shift. However, Kanai was not like that. She was a bit more polished than the other strippers.
Anyway, me and Kanai were in the back in the VIP section of the club, where she was straddling me and grinding her naked body up against my dick so hard I swear I thought we were fucking through my jeans. I entertained the thought of excusing myself, for a few moments, going to the bathroom and slapping on a lambskin because recollections of lessons learned in highschool sex ed did not bring up any lists of denim or Calvin Klein underwear fabric being an acceptable substitute for condoms. That or maybe strapping a few lumps of coal to my balls and having Kanai turn them into diamonds by the end of the night.
I'll continue later on. Time to go to my job and pretend to work.
later.
Last year I spent one evening with Kanai at her club. While that was enough to lessen her hatred for me, it wasn't enough for her to go home and sleep with me. Too bad.
Kanai liked to rock the sophisticated and elegant angle. Unlike the other strippers, you'd never catch Kanai snorting coke by the darkened emergency exit, or fucking the 40 year old pony-tailed DJ who thought he had his finger on the pulse of everything cool, young and hip and who insisted on playing Norweigen rock super-group A-Ha's "Take On Me" at least 3 times a shift. However, Kanai was not like that. She was a bit more polished than the other strippers.
Anyway, me and Kanai were in the back in the VIP section of the club, where she was straddling me and grinding her naked body up against my dick so hard I swear I thought we were fucking through my jeans. I entertained the thought of excusing myself, for a few moments, going to the bathroom and slapping on a lambskin because recollections of lessons learned in highschool sex ed did not bring up any lists of denim or Calvin Klein underwear fabric being an acceptable substitute for condoms. That or maybe strapping a few lumps of coal to my balls and having Kanai turn them into diamonds by the end of the night.
I'll continue later on. Time to go to my job and pretend to work.
later.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
the anime girl, cameron diaz and justin timberhootch
click, click... BOOM!! There goes my heart and my nuts exploding at the same time.
I walk into work on friday, talking to myself, as per usual, about how I think Lou Dobbs is secretly Mexican, when I turn the corner and come face to face with the anime girl. She is wearing this white, loose, summer, strapless top thing that had her entire shoulders and upper chest exposed.
Have mercy.
I would have stood a better chance going shoulder to grill against an outta control mack truck. The anime girl ran me over with little regard to my obvious wish to have her mount my face and ride me like she was the frontrunner in the Kentucky Derby.
I like to sing. I have a horrible voice but, damn, I like to sing. Especially in my car. On my way to work in the morning I slip in Justified in the CD player and I giv'er. Its not just that I sing the songs, but its more like I actually metaphysically become Justin Timberlake. Justin TimberHootch. This morning, as I was driving myself home from whatever gutter I spent in last night, I was singing the My Love song. But its not like I was only singing it. I was signing it with such pure-felt emotion and soul its like I was actually serenading Cameron Diaz's vagina... but not the Cameron Diaz of today cuz that shit looks a little worn out and had, but the Cameron Diaz from The Mask and Feeling Minnesota.
I walk into work on friday, talking to myself, as per usual, about how I think Lou Dobbs is secretly Mexican, when I turn the corner and come face to face with the anime girl. She is wearing this white, loose, summer, strapless top thing that had her entire shoulders and upper chest exposed.
Have mercy.
I would have stood a better chance going shoulder to grill against an outta control mack truck. The anime girl ran me over with little regard to my obvious wish to have her mount my face and ride me like she was the frontrunner in the Kentucky Derby.
I like to sing. I have a horrible voice but, damn, I like to sing. Especially in my car. On my way to work in the morning I slip in Justified in the CD player and I giv'er. Its not just that I sing the songs, but its more like I actually metaphysically become Justin Timberlake. Justin TimberHootch. This morning, as I was driving myself home from whatever gutter I spent in last night, I was singing the My Love song. But its not like I was only singing it. I was signing it with such pure-felt emotion and soul its like I was actually serenading Cameron Diaz's vagina... but not the Cameron Diaz of today cuz that shit looks a little worn out and had, but the Cameron Diaz from The Mask and Feeling Minnesota.
Monday, May 14, 2007
(quick weekend recollections before work) conversation at a wedding
Paul: Have you seen Spiderman 3 yet?
Hootch: No. I might go Sunday.
Paul: I heard it wasn't that good.
Hootch: I heard the same thing but I liked the first two.
Paul: I didn't even like the first 2 that much. I think Toby Magauire is miscast as Spiderman.
Hootch: Toby? I think he's alright. Why who would you have play Spiderman?
Paul: I dunno. That's a tough one.
Hootch: I heard when auditions for the first movie were being held, Freddie Prinze jr was lobbying hard for the part.
Paul: Yeah, someone like Freddie Prinze would have been good.
Hootch: Naaah, Freddie is too pretty. Peter Parker has to be common or unremarkable looking. He's like the "everyman", you know.
Paul: You're right. Oh!! you know who would have made a good spiderman? Jason Biggs!
Hootch: What?!? Holy fuck, Paul how much have you had to drink? Jason Biggs as Spiderman?!? First of all, isn't Jason Biggs Jewish? A Jewish Spiderman, holy shit. "Shalom from your friendly neighbourhood spiderman". I dont think that would work, man. You'd see the outline of his yamaka through his spiderman outfit....secondly, his shnaz is so big there would be no mystery as to the secret identity of Spiderman. Everyone would know Spiderman would either be Jason Biggs or Gonzo from the Muppets.
Paul: What about that guy who played Robin from Batman and Robin?
Hootch: Chris O' Donnell?
Paul: Yeah, yeah, yeah, Chris O'Donnell.
Hootch: Isn't Chris O'Donnell a midget?
Paul: No man!! He's taller than Toby Maguire.
Hootch: I dunno. Maybe I think O'Donnell looks shorter than Maguire because he's more muscular, you know.
Paul: I dont think O'Donnell is that muscular.
Hootch: Naw, I dont mean conventional Hollywood muscular like Arnold or Stallone. I mean gay-guy muscular with massive thighs and glutes. You know, the type of muscular you get from pumping ass all day?
I think its somewhere around this point when Paul's wife forbid him to talk to me any longer..
Friday, May 04, 2007
fuck
Jefferson again proved how he is infinitely more man than Carter by taking it to the hole during the Nets' last possession while Carter settled for a 35 footer the play before. Anyway speaking of taking it to the hole, lemme finish off, or at least try to, with NewChineseGirl.
We meet at a bar/danceclub/meat market. She looks good. She is wearing this lacey blue undershirt thing underneath her spaghetti-strap halter top. She sees me and runs up to hug me. She buries her mouth in my ear, whispers and laughs "I'm sooo drunk".
We find a corner far enough away from the bar to buy us a little free space and where its not so loud. The DJ is spinning this completely shit tune and the dance floor is packed with white guys who all think they're Eminem and wigger chicks. Me and NewChineseGirl talk a bit. I'm kinda nervous which is weird cuz I almost never get nervous. I try and hide my nervousness but do a poor job. NCG can tell. She starts laughing again and begins to tease.
NCG: Oh my gawd!! Are you nervous?
Hootch: What!? No. Why would I be nervous?
NCG: (moves in closer, pinching the sides of my waist) Oh my gawd, you are nervous.
Hootch: You're crazy. I'm not nervous. I dont even like you. Why would I be nervous?
Just then Monica's "every time the beat drops" starts playing. NCG tries to pull me on to the dance floor. I like the song but I pull back. "I dont really dance" I say. "Please" she pleads and gives this pouty look. I'm pretty sure making half an effort to dance will buy me at least a handjob by the end of the night... but still, I hate dancing.
Reluctantly I make my way through the sea of wiggers to the dance floor. SexyBack comes on. I like this song also. I do my best to try and relax and dance but I feel like a total fag. I'm about to say "fuck this" and walk away when NCG starts grinding her flat ass up against my dick.
The end of the night and we are back at my place. I got NCG just about naked. I'm in my skidmarked underwear and pit-stained undershirt. We are getting just about to the point where we are gonna hafta call it quits or fuck like bunnies. Either way is okay with me. I leave it up to her. She says she doesn't like to have sex on the first date. I tell her "but when I see you every day at work its like a date, so technically this is like our 50th date or something". She doesn't buy it but like I said thats alright with me - I'll bend her over the couch tomorrow or the next day.
I go to kiss her again and you can imagine my suprise, given what she had just said, when she started licking and making her way down my chest. "Oh man, is she gonna blow me?" I thought to myself then laughed a little cuz I dont think I've ever asked myself that question before and it sounds pretty ridiculous.
NCG: (sucking dick) Is this okay?
Hootch: Yeah, its nice
NCG: Cuz I thought I heard you laugh
Hootch: Oh, that. I was just thinking of a funny part in Everybody Loves Raymond
NCG: WHAT?!?! I have your dick in my mouth and you're thinking about...
Hootch: (interrupting her) I'm just kidding. Sorry it was a stupid joke. Please, dont let me interrupt you. You're doing good.
So NCG is going to work and I start thinking - thats kinda weird the chick wont have sex with me but she'll suck my dick(her parents must be very proud)?! I mean, I haven't sucked anyone's dick before but to me that is a way more intimate gesture than sticking a penis in your vagina, but I dunno, maybe its a girl thing.
Then NCG starts talking again while continuing to suck.
NCG: Tell me how it feels
Hootch: It feels nice
NCG: What part feels nice?
Hootch: (ignoring the question)
NCG: What part feels nice?
Hootch: Oh, sorry. All of it.
NCG: Is there a part you dont like?
Hootch: Just the talking part.
I start laughing and she starts chucking the knuckles at me. We play fight for a bit and i swear I think she's trying to open-hand slap my testicles. Anyway, she wouldn't finish me off after that. Next time maybe I'll learn to keep my yap shut.
We meet at a bar/danceclub/meat market. She looks good. She is wearing this lacey blue undershirt thing underneath her spaghetti-strap halter top. She sees me and runs up to hug me. She buries her mouth in my ear, whispers and laughs "I'm sooo drunk".
We find a corner far enough away from the bar to buy us a little free space and where its not so loud. The DJ is spinning this completely shit tune and the dance floor is packed with white guys who all think they're Eminem and wigger chicks. Me and NewChineseGirl talk a bit. I'm kinda nervous which is weird cuz I almost never get nervous. I try and hide my nervousness but do a poor job. NCG can tell. She starts laughing again and begins to tease.
NCG: Oh my gawd!! Are you nervous?
Hootch: What!? No. Why would I be nervous?
NCG: (moves in closer, pinching the sides of my waist) Oh my gawd, you are nervous.
Hootch: You're crazy. I'm not nervous. I dont even like you. Why would I be nervous?
Just then Monica's "every time the beat drops" starts playing. NCG tries to pull me on to the dance floor. I like the song but I pull back. "I dont really dance" I say. "Please" she pleads and gives this pouty look. I'm pretty sure making half an effort to dance will buy me at least a handjob by the end of the night... but still, I hate dancing.
Reluctantly I make my way through the sea of wiggers to the dance floor. SexyBack comes on. I like this song also. I do my best to try and relax and dance but I feel like a total fag. I'm about to say "fuck this" and walk away when NCG starts grinding her flat ass up against my dick.
The end of the night and we are back at my place. I got NCG just about naked. I'm in my skidmarked underwear and pit-stained undershirt. We are getting just about to the point where we are gonna hafta call it quits or fuck like bunnies. Either way is okay with me. I leave it up to her. She says she doesn't like to have sex on the first date. I tell her "but when I see you every day at work its like a date, so technically this is like our 50th date or something". She doesn't buy it but like I said thats alright with me - I'll bend her over the couch tomorrow or the next day.
I go to kiss her again and you can imagine my suprise, given what she had just said, when she started licking and making her way down my chest. "Oh man, is she gonna blow me?" I thought to myself then laughed a little cuz I dont think I've ever asked myself that question before and it sounds pretty ridiculous.
NCG: (sucking dick) Is this okay?
Hootch: Yeah, its nice
NCG: Cuz I thought I heard you laugh
Hootch: Oh, that. I was just thinking of a funny part in Everybody Loves Raymond
NCG: WHAT?!?! I have your dick in my mouth and you're thinking about...
Hootch: (interrupting her) I'm just kidding. Sorry it was a stupid joke. Please, dont let me interrupt you. You're doing good.
So NCG is going to work and I start thinking - thats kinda weird the chick wont have sex with me but she'll suck my dick(her parents must be very proud)?! I mean, I haven't sucked anyone's dick before but to me that is a way more intimate gesture than sticking a penis in your vagina, but I dunno, maybe its a girl thing.
Then NCG starts talking again while continuing to suck.
NCG: Tell me how it feels
Hootch: It feels nice
NCG: What part feels nice?
Hootch: (ignoring the question)
NCG: What part feels nice?
Hootch: Oh, sorry. All of it.
NCG: Is there a part you dont like?
Hootch: Just the talking part.
I start laughing and she starts chucking the knuckles at me. We play fight for a bit and i swear I think she's trying to open-hand slap my testicles. Anyway, she wouldn't finish me off after that. Next time maybe I'll learn to keep my yap shut.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
dumb thoughts for the day
(1) Considering my UTFL season begins in 3 weeks I thought it'd be in my best interest to temporarily suspend my online quest for black babe one white dude porno and take my fat ass to the gym once in a while.
(2) I'm developing this new website where you can stay in touch and write messages to all the people you pretend to be friends with. The website is gonna be called "Imgonnakickyouintheface_book.ca"
(3) How is this guy passing any substance abuse test. Has the NBA stopped testing for crack?
(4) I signed up for Instant Messaging. You can find me most of the time in New Jersey Nets chat rooms acting as an ambassador of goodwill and a conduit of peace. Most of my conversations being with "sooo... this is where all the ugly girls hang out".
(5) How is this guy passing any substance abuse test? Has the NBA stopped testing for semen in the stomach?
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Match 2 of the "who I would rather be tag-teamed by" tournament
Who would I rather be tag-teamed by?
in this picture Hilary Duff has the 2nd biggest vagina
I'm pretty sure I'd do just about anything to sleep with Sylvia Saint... rim-job a rhinoceros, sleep on a bed of nails while some motherfucker sledgehammers my torso, or even listen to a Josh Groban CD. I'm also pretty sure if I ever did get the opportunity to make the 2ble backed beast with Ms Saint, she would fuck me into a mindless coma I'd be hard pressed to recover from. Still, I'm practically mindless anyway, so she's well worth the ride.
I've been crushing on Hillary Duff ever since she lost those Franz Kafka bug-eyes. However, my main turn on with Hilary Duff is not her looks. Its the fact that she not only dumped but crushed Good Charlotte's super-douche Joel Madden's heart. That accomplishment is worth my endless admiration. I love watching Joel come off like a sucker and hearing him complain at every opportunity how Hillary did him wrong. That's too funny (you are soooo punk, assmunch). Whats even funnier is how he says he's now happier with Nicole Ritchie. WAAAHAHAHAHA. Sure you are, buddy. That's like going from eating steak to eating turd, one day to the next. Bon Appetite, asshole (the previous being said, I'd still rather eat turd than eat Nicole Richie's snapper).
And the winner is: Against every instinct I hafta go with the tag team of Duff and Rory Gilmore. I mean, with great opportunity comes great responsibility and if I have the opportunity to pour salt in the wound of the worst band in the world, then I gotta take it. Revenge fucking Hilary Duff as payback for Good Charlotte introducing the world to the worst music ever is an X-factor hard to resist. Sorry, Sylvia...one day we will be together.
Sylvia Saint
Tera Patrick
vs.
Rorie Gilmore
Hilary Duff
in this picture Hilary Duff has the 2nd biggest vaginaI'm pretty sure I'd do just about anything to sleep with Sylvia Saint... rim-job a rhinoceros, sleep on a bed of nails while some motherfucker sledgehammers my torso, or even listen to a Josh Groban CD. I'm also pretty sure if I ever did get the opportunity to make the 2ble backed beast with Ms Saint, she would fuck me into a mindless coma I'd be hard pressed to recover from. Still, I'm practically mindless anyway, so she's well worth the ride.
I've been crushing on Hillary Duff ever since she lost those Franz Kafka bug-eyes. However, my main turn on with Hilary Duff is not her looks. Its the fact that she not only dumped but crushed Good Charlotte's super-douche Joel Madden's heart. That accomplishment is worth my endless admiration. I love watching Joel come off like a sucker and hearing him complain at every opportunity how Hillary did him wrong. That's too funny (you are soooo punk, assmunch). Whats even funnier is how he says he's now happier with Nicole Ritchie. WAAAHAHAHAHA. Sure you are, buddy. That's like going from eating steak to eating turd, one day to the next. Bon Appetite, asshole (the previous being said, I'd still rather eat turd than eat Nicole Richie's snapper).
And the winner is: Against every instinct I hafta go with the tag team of Duff and Rory Gilmore. I mean, with great opportunity comes great responsibility and if I have the opportunity to pour salt in the wound of the worst band in the world, then I gotta take it. Revenge fucking Hilary Duff as payback for Good Charlotte introducing the world to the worst music ever is an X-factor hard to resist. Sorry, Sylvia...one day we will be together.
Friday, April 27, 2007
pics of trips
I'm at a loss for what to write so I thought I'd share some pics from my travels. This here is a pic from my trip to North Korea. Before my departure from Toronto, I dubbed the trip "40 ho's in 40 nights". Unfortunately I fell 39 short of the mark.
Here is a pic from my trip to Antarctica. I went there to watch the summer Olympics. This pic was taken at a beach volleyball game. The player waving to us is from some Scandinavian country, I cant remember exactly which, I think it may have been El Salvador. I actually met her at a market the day before and was considering sleeping with her until I saw her in a bikini and realised she was more man than I'd ever be.
Here are a couple of pics of Atlantis before it became submerged in water. I think I was the party responsible for its annihilation. In the bathroom of my hotel room I came across a button that said "do not press". I pressed it. We sank. Woopsee.
Here is a pic from my trip to Antarctica. I went there to watch the summer Olympics. This pic was taken at a beach volleyball game. The player waving to us is from some Scandinavian country, I cant remember exactly which, I think it may have been El Salvador. I actually met her at a market the day before and was considering sleeping with her until I saw her in a bikini and realised she was more man than I'd ever be.
Here are a couple of pics of Atlantis before it became submerged in water. I think I was the party responsible for its annihilation. In the bathroom of my hotel room I came across a button that said "do not press". I pressed it. We sank. Woopsee.
this, here, 2nd pic was the view looking up from my hotel room pool. If you looked straight down you'd catch a view the Mediterranean. It was wonderous to take in its natural unadulterated beauty. Me and this East German bitch use to get high here every day.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Raps vs Nets
I'd rather lose a testicle than have my beloved Raps lose to a bitch team like the NJ Nets.
Today's game was un-fucking-believable. It was like a heavyweight fight that allowed cock-punching, eye gouging and ass raping. It went back and forth with NJ controlling the play most of the time and the Raps playing catchup. Each time NJ hit a big shot to gain some distance, Toronto scratched, clawed and cock-punched their way back to even. They played balls-out, super-fucking gutsy. I nearly cried on several occasions as my Raps stood up to the highly touted trio of Vince, Kidd and Jefferson. Man, even the most useless Slovenian in the world, Rasho Nesterovic, played with some heart tonight. ATTA BE RASHO!!!!
My thoughts on some of the players in the series:
Jason Kidd - Dude, you are playing unbelievable, especially on defence. You are getting your hands on more balls than a broke-ass Marianne jonesing for some weed in a room full of wigger, smallfry, drugdealers. However...you're a cock. I'm glad Toni Braxton was fucking Jamal MonsterMash and Jimmy J when you were professing your love for her back in Dallas. Also, my man Charlie Shame may be right, sometime in this series you may in fact unhinge your jaw and attempt to swallow TJ Ford whole. Shit, you may even get your jaw/mouth around his head. Damn, you may even get your mouth around his shoulders. Heck you may even get your mouth around his chest. But motherfucker, you'll never get your unhinged jaw around TJ Ford's balls cuz they are just too fucking big. Think about that next time you try and man-up and bitch slap your wife, asshole.
TJ Ford - Sure this pic may look a little aloof and gay but trust me... TJ loves winning and vagina so much he'll change directions on you so fast, break both your ankles and then fuck every female member of your family, including your pets.
Today's game was un-fucking-believable. It was like a heavyweight fight that allowed cock-punching, eye gouging and ass raping. It went back and forth with NJ controlling the play most of the time and the Raps playing catchup. Each time NJ hit a big shot to gain some distance, Toronto scratched, clawed and cock-punched their way back to even. They played balls-out, super-fucking gutsy. I nearly cried on several occasions as my Raps stood up to the highly touted trio of Vince, Kidd and Jefferson. Man, even the most useless Slovenian in the world, Rasho Nesterovic, played with some heart tonight. ATTA BE RASHO!!!!
My thoughts on some of the players in the series:
Jason Kidd - Dude, you are playing unbelievable, especially on defence. You are getting your hands on more balls than a broke-ass Marianne jonesing for some weed in a room full of wigger, smallfry, drugdealers. However...you're a cock. I'm glad Toni Braxton was fucking Jamal MonsterMash and Jimmy J when you were professing your love for her back in Dallas. Also, my man Charlie Shame may be right, sometime in this series you may in fact unhinge your jaw and attempt to swallow TJ Ford whole. Shit, you may even get your jaw/mouth around his head. Damn, you may even get your mouth around his shoulders. Heck you may even get your mouth around his chest. But motherfucker, you'll never get your unhinged jaw around TJ Ford's balls cuz they are just too fucking big. Think about that next time you try and man-up and bitch slap your wife, asshole.
TJ Ford - Sure this pic may look a little aloof and gay but trust me... TJ loves winning and vagina so much he'll change directions on you so fast, break both your ankles and then fuck every female member of your family, including your pets.
Friday, April 20, 2007
busting gun shots for the chinese bbq joint by my work
Alright. I wanna tell you about my evening with NewChineseGirl cuz it was a great fucking night and a really fun time, but before I do I gotta give props to this new Chinese bbq lunch joint I found close to my work.
This place is not one of those fake Chinese restaurants like Ho Lee Chow or Manchu Wok. This place is hardcore, nigger!! Authentic!! They got pig faces hanging on hooks in their front window slathered in bbq sauce. None of their employees speak English. The first time I went there I ordered bbq chicken and rice. The Chinese guy behind the counter packed up my order in their finest, environmentally friendly, styrofoam container and sent me on my way. I got back to work and opened the styrofaom container. What did I get? Some sort of bamboo-like jungle vegetable mixed with shrimp and some other seafood I can only guess to be dolphin ass.
Oh, and the guy that actually cuts up the cooked meat, that motherfucker isn't even wearing any plastic gloves or anything. He's just grabbing a fistfull of bbq pork, cuts it up. Runs his hands through his hair. Grabs a handful of bbq chicken breasts, cuts it up. Blows his nose. Grabs a handful of duck balls, scratches his ass... He just doesn't give a fuck.
I'm positive one of these days you're gonna hear about some weird birdflu-like case in Toronto... and that shmuck will be me. But until then... hook me up with some bbq chicken, motherfucker, that shit is tasty!!!
Hootch
ps. oh, I almost forgot. If you ever go to this plaza with the chinese bbq joint, leave your car at home cuz the parkinglot is like a fucking bumper-car ride at an amusement park for the fucking blind.
This place is not one of those fake Chinese restaurants like Ho Lee Chow or Manchu Wok. This place is hardcore, nigger!! Authentic!! They got pig faces hanging on hooks in their front window slathered in bbq sauce. None of their employees speak English. The first time I went there I ordered bbq chicken and rice. The Chinese guy behind the counter packed up my order in their finest, environmentally friendly, styrofoam container and sent me on my way. I got back to work and opened the styrofaom container. What did I get? Some sort of bamboo-like jungle vegetable mixed with shrimp and some other seafood I can only guess to be dolphin ass.
Oh, and the guy that actually cuts up the cooked meat, that motherfucker isn't even wearing any plastic gloves or anything. He's just grabbing a fistfull of bbq pork, cuts it up. Runs his hands through his hair. Grabs a handful of bbq chicken breasts, cuts it up. Blows his nose. Grabs a handful of duck balls, scratches his ass... He just doesn't give a fuck.
I'm positive one of these days you're gonna hear about some weird birdflu-like case in Toronto... and that shmuck will be me. But until then... hook me up with some bbq chicken, motherfucker, that shit is tasty!!!
Hootch
ps. oh, I almost forgot. If you ever go to this plaza with the chinese bbq joint, leave your car at home cuz the parkinglot is like a fucking bumper-car ride at an amusement park for the fucking blind.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Lord only knows what she's saying about me
I'm going out tonight with the new Chinese girl from my work. I'm a little nervous because its difficult to tell exactly how good looking she is. I mean, I think she's alright but its difficult to be 100% certain because most of the other women at my work are war-pigs. So its difficult to say if I'm truly attracted to the new Chinese girl or if I only like her because next to the 94 year old Sri Lankan in my department she looks pretty good. Either way I suppose, as long as she ends up naked by the end of the night...
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
the first annual "who would I rather be tag-teamed by" tournament
The first annual"Who Would I Rather be Tag-Teamed by" tournament.
20 teams comprised of two individuals each will face off in a round-robin formatted tournament. The winning team will advance to the 2nd round, the losing team will not.
Round 1; Match 1
Who would I rather be tag-teamed by:
and
vs
At the expense of my internal organs being impaled by huge African penis, I hafta go with the Hoya Destroya (the sweatiest motherfucker in the world) Patrick Ewing and his partner Dikembe Motumbo, the man with the craziest coke nostrils I've ever seen.
I couldn't think of a worse lay than Nicole Ritchie and Paris Hilton. Paris' sex tape was a joke. I got harder watching Wolf Blitzer on CNN than by watching Paris fumble in the dark trying to figure out what to do with that fag's penis.
Another reason why I picked Dikembe and Patrick was because if I ever survived that crazy African gangbang, we could play a nice little game of pick-up ball afterward.
20 teams comprised of two individuals each will face off in a round-robin formatted tournament. The winning team will advance to the 2nd round, the losing team will not.
Round 1; Match 1
Who would I rather be tag-teamed by:
and
vs
and
At the expense of my internal organs being impaled by huge African penis, I hafta go with the Hoya Destroya (the sweatiest motherfucker in the world) Patrick Ewing and his partner Dikembe Motumbo, the man with the craziest coke nostrils I've ever seen.
I couldn't think of a worse lay than Nicole Ritchie and Paris Hilton. Paris' sex tape was a joke. I got harder watching Wolf Blitzer on CNN than by watching Paris fumble in the dark trying to figure out what to do with that fag's penis.
Another reason why I picked Dikembe and Patrick was because if I ever survived that crazy African gangbang, we could play a nice little game of pick-up ball afterward.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Separated at birth: the Olsen triplets
Despite the fact that all three are identical, I'd still rather fuck the lemur... less chance of disease.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Jerry Maguire would have been better if this happened:
Ray: D'you know that the human head weighs 8 pounds?
Jerry: Get the fuck out of here, nerd!!or this:
my work spares no expense when it comes to hiring qualified individuals
Recently the company I work for hired a group of gimps and illegal immigrants to file our 2006 files. I was chosen to lead the motley crew of 3 cent an hour employees to the warehouse where they would organize and separate the 2006 files from the 2007. My manager told me that I was to stay in the warehouse with the new employees as long as it took them to organise the mountain of paperwork and to answer any questions they may have.
As we approached the warehouse I thought it'd be a good idea to welcome the newhires and lay down some ground rules:
"Hello everybody. Welcome to Shithole co. If you have any questions at all please do not hesitate to ask anybody else but myself. Despite the fact that I will only be five feet away from you, I am, under no circumstances, to be disturbed. I will be too busy playing Tetris or trying to score some weed for the weekend. Oh, and one last thing, as there is no internet access in the warehouse, please lets try and get this filing done as quickly as possible. At any point in time, if any of you have to use the bathroom, please for the sake of progress, either hold it or grab one one these communal piss bottles I will be strategically placing throughout your work area".
15 minutes later and on line 25 of my Tetris game, one of the gimps approaches me:
Gimp: I have this file here, it says October 2006. What do I do with it?
Hootch: Place it in a pile with the other 2006 files.
Gimp: What if it says December 2006?
Hootch: You would still place it with the other 2006 files. Dont even look at the month. If the file says 2006, you place it in one pile, if it says 2007 you place it in the other pile.
Gimp: Oh, I got it now.
Hootch: Good. Now, unless you're holding an eighth... (shooing him away)
Gimp: What if it says December 2007?
Hootch: Well, it wouldn't say December 2007 because we're only in March., motherfucker.
Gimp: Oh, I got it now... but what if it did?
Holy fuck, have I unknowingly died and gone to hell? As I was checking my vitals I saw one illegal immigrant make his way towards the communal piss bottles. "Finally" I thought "at least one newhire looks like he can follow directions".
However...
"NO, NO, XXXXXXX!!! The communal piss bottles are not for drinking"
As we approached the warehouse I thought it'd be a good idea to welcome the newhires and lay down some ground rules:
"Hello everybody. Welcome to Shithole co. If you have any questions at all please do not hesitate to ask anybody else but myself. Despite the fact that I will only be five feet away from you, I am, under no circumstances, to be disturbed. I will be too busy playing Tetris or trying to score some weed for the weekend. Oh, and one last thing, as there is no internet access in the warehouse, please lets try and get this filing done as quickly as possible. At any point in time, if any of you have to use the bathroom, please for the sake of progress, either hold it or grab one one these communal piss bottles I will be strategically placing throughout your work area".
15 minutes later and on line 25 of my Tetris game, one of the gimps approaches me:
Gimp: I have this file here, it says October 2006. What do I do with it?
Hootch: Place it in a pile with the other 2006 files.
Gimp: What if it says December 2006?
Hootch: You would still place it with the other 2006 files. Dont even look at the month. If the file says 2006, you place it in one pile, if it says 2007 you place it in the other pile.
Gimp: Oh, I got it now.
Hootch: Good. Now, unless you're holding an eighth... (shooing him away)
Gimp: What if it says December 2007?
Hootch: Well, it wouldn't say December 2007 because we're only in March., motherfucker.
Gimp: Oh, I got it now... but what if it did?
Holy fuck, have I unknowingly died and gone to hell? As I was checking my vitals I saw one illegal immigrant make his way towards the communal piss bottles. "Finally" I thought "at least one newhire looks like he can follow directions".
However...
"NO, NO, XXXXXXX!!! The communal piss bottles are not for drinking"
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
I'd Rather Be In Asia
Do you watch the tv show "Search for the next PussyCat Doll? I do. I'm addicted to it. Well... actually its not so much the show I'm addicted to as it is Asia's ass. Unbelievable. Yesterday, on the show, some of the close-ups of Asia's ass were so tight I thought the producers of the program may have employed a fibre optic camera to actually shoot from inside her ass.
As purty as Asia is, she is not the only reason I watch the show. I also watch the show for Mikey Minden, uber-fag extraordinaire. Previous to Mikey Mike, I thought insensitivity and heartlessness were characteristics solely found in white, spoiled males. Mikey has proven me wrong. He is truly a cock-sucker in more ways than one.
As purty as Asia is, she is not the only reason I watch the show. I also watch the show for Mikey Minden, uber-fag extraordinaire. Previous to Mikey Mike, I thought insensitivity and heartlessness were characteristics solely found in white, spoiled males. Mikey has proven me wrong. He is truly a cock-sucker in more ways than one.
Monday, March 19, 2007
In lieu of preparing for work, I do this:
The above is no indication of how nice Mally's mom actually is, or her present occupation. In retrospect I should have used Patrick's name instead of Mally's, but now I am too lazy to make the required changes.
Mally, if you read the above, please dont break into my house in the middle of the night, ninja style, and smother me with my own pilow till I die. Think of all the other times I helped you out and asked for nothing in return... okay well, I did ask for permission to date your 19 year od cousin, but she was banging half the neighbourhood anyway. I figured it was only a matter of time before she got to me. And even tho you said "no" and I still went out with her, I swear nothing happened!! She was mostly into black guys, but not cool black guys like Kanye and me. She was into gay black guys like Puff Daddy.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Marianne's titties; Part II - Zeno, the warrior princess and the coatcheck girl blues
Alright. So as I'm approaching the doors to the club I realise I still have a bit of hootch left. I decide to finish what I can and look for a hiding spot, outside the club, where I can stash the bottle and its remaining contents for later consumption. I find a dark little spot in the corner of an industrial-sized garbage bin, outside the doors of the club, and carefully place my bottle of hootch beside some used condoms and hypodermic needles.
I walk in the club. I can already tell who is on stage by the song that's playing from the club's soundsystem. The song is something (even more shit than usual) from Good Charlotte and the girl on stage is some eastern european bitch who looks like a manish version of zena, warrior princess. I know from experience, the more drunk I become, the more brilliant I will think my idea is of walking up to her and trying to convince her to change her stage name to Zeno, the Warrior Princess with balls. However, since I'm pretty sure I've seen Zeno previously knife a few geezers, in the club parkinglot for shafting her on the "tip" after she's let them fuck her in the men's bathroom, I drop the Zeno idea.
I pay my cover to the coatcheck girl who is reading Thomas Hardy. She looks at me with with disgust. I feel the weight of her moral indignation and its making me feel guilty for even stepping foot in the strip joint. I decide to try and start a conversation with the coatcheck girl in hopes of finding common ground and becoming friends.
Hootch: Oh shit! Why would anyone ever want to read Tess of the d'Urbevilles? You must still be in school, right?
Coatcheck girl: No. Tess of the d'Urbevilles is one of my favorite books. I think Thomas Hardy is really interesting.
Hootch: Oh... me too.
I cut my losses with the coatcheck girl and just walk in the club and look for a place to sit.
I walk in the club. I can already tell who is on stage by the song that's playing from the club's soundsystem. The song is something (even more shit than usual) from Good Charlotte and the girl on stage is some eastern european bitch who looks like a manish version of zena, warrior princess. I know from experience, the more drunk I become, the more brilliant I will think my idea is of walking up to her and trying to convince her to change her stage name to Zeno, the Warrior Princess with balls. However, since I'm pretty sure I've seen Zeno previously knife a few geezers, in the club parkinglot for shafting her on the "tip" after she's let them fuck her in the men's bathroom, I drop the Zeno idea.
I pay my cover to the coatcheck girl who is reading Thomas Hardy. She looks at me with with disgust. I feel the weight of her moral indignation and its making me feel guilty for even stepping foot in the strip joint. I decide to try and start a conversation with the coatcheck girl in hopes of finding common ground and becoming friends.
Hootch: Oh shit! Why would anyone ever want to read Tess of the d'Urbevilles? You must still be in school, right?
Coatcheck girl: No. Tess of the d'Urbevilles is one of my favorite books. I think Thomas Hardy is really interesting.
Hootch: Oh... me too.
I cut my losses with the coatcheck girl and just walk in the club and look for a place to sit.
Friday, March 09, 2007
The first time I sucked Marianne's tits - part 1
It was the third or fourth time I went to see Marianne (stripper extraordinaire), at her club. I decided to walk that night cuz I was planning on getting the type of shitfaced where you dont even recognise your own car. The type of shitfaced where you spend half an hour trying to jam the key of your Toyota Tercel into the lock of someone eles's Mercedes, just because both cars are white.
Anyway, it was around 8 o'clock when I decided to make my way from my house. A last few strokes of Axe deodorant (Phoenix) for under my arms and SpeedStick (Ocean Surf)for my balls and I was ready to hit the fuckin road.
I had a bottle of Hootch to keep me company as I began the 45 minute walk. The hootch was actually putting me on my ass far earlier than I expected. The drink was made two weeks prior, at a party, and consisted of an equal mix of vodka, fruitpunch and Mally's backwash.
next: part II
Anyway, it was around 8 o'clock when I decided to make my way from my house. A last few strokes of Axe deodorant (Phoenix) for under my arms and SpeedStick (Ocean Surf)for my balls and I was ready to hit the fuckin road.
I had a bottle of Hootch to keep me company as I began the 45 minute walk. The hootch was actually putting me on my ass far earlier than I expected. The drink was made two weeks prior, at a party, and consisted of an equal mix of vodka, fruitpunch and Mally's backwash.
next: part II
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Basketball Memories
Finishing up with Jimmy - he was a super nice guy who never once took advantage of his on-court celebrity... not even to score some herb for his friends. What a cock.
Sterg was the exact opposite of Jimmy with both his game and his demeanor. Sterg had no vertical to speak of and mostly stuck to the perimeter. And as courteous and humble as Jimmy always was, Sterg was just as antagonistic. Sterg's game basically consisted of lobbing up an equal mix of 3s and insults to the other team. On the rare occaision Sterg would actually hit a jumper he would always combine his made basket with a classy comment directed toward his defender like "its like I'm Michael and you're Craig Ehlo, fuckface".
Even on defence, he was relentless (with his verbal assault not his actual defending ability - Sterg was basically a pylon... only less mobile). "Hootch, Hootch, watch me", Sterg would say as his opponent would square him up, with the ball, on the outside. "Ima strip this playboy so fast he's gonna think he's back at his boyfriend's place".
Of course what inevitably happened then was Sterg's opponent would easily blow by him off the dribble. He would be beaten so bad his opponent would be taking his third step by him before Sterg's synapsis even started firing off signals to his legs to get moving.
On several occasions, Sterg's lacklustre defence caused quite a few tense moments between us on the court.
Hootch: Sterg, fuck!! Lets go, your fucking man has been using you as a turnstile all game.
Sterg: He's too fast. He's got a lot of speed.
Hootch: Sterg, the guy is like 300 pounds!!
Sterg: Its a deceptive speed.
Hootch: (shaking my head in disbelief)
Sterg: Dont get all bitchy with me, alright? I've seen your man beat you in the post a few times today.
Hootch: My man?!? I'm guarding Andre the fucking giant, here. My man is like 7ft tall. Everytime I try to front him I have his balls resting in top of my head.
Anyway, b-ball with those guys was always good times.
Sterg was the exact opposite of Jimmy with both his game and his demeanor. Sterg had no vertical to speak of and mostly stuck to the perimeter. And as courteous and humble as Jimmy always was, Sterg was just as antagonistic. Sterg's game basically consisted of lobbing up an equal mix of 3s and insults to the other team. On the rare occaision Sterg would actually hit a jumper he would always combine his made basket with a classy comment directed toward his defender like "its like I'm Michael and you're Craig Ehlo, fuckface".
Even on defence, he was relentless (with his verbal assault not his actual defending ability - Sterg was basically a pylon... only less mobile). "Hootch, Hootch, watch me", Sterg would say as his opponent would square him up, with the ball, on the outside. "Ima strip this playboy so fast he's gonna think he's back at his boyfriend's place".
Of course what inevitably happened then was Sterg's opponent would easily blow by him off the dribble. He would be beaten so bad his opponent would be taking his third step by him before Sterg's synapsis even started firing off signals to his legs to get moving.
On several occasions, Sterg's lacklustre defence caused quite a few tense moments between us on the court.
Hootch: Sterg, fuck!! Lets go, your fucking man has been using you as a turnstile all game.
Sterg: He's too fast. He's got a lot of speed.
Hootch: Sterg, the guy is like 300 pounds!!
Sterg: Its a deceptive speed.
Hootch: (shaking my head in disbelief)
Sterg: Dont get all bitchy with me, alright? I've seen your man beat you in the post a few times today.
Hootch: My man?!? I'm guarding Andre the fucking giant, here. My man is like 7ft tall. Everytime I try to front him I have his balls resting in top of my head.
Anyway, b-ball with those guys was always good times.
Basketball Diaries
Ever since my complete and utter obsession with studying the stock market, I've had little time in my life for what I deem non-essential activities like going to the gym or showering. As a result, my hairy ass has ballooned to 500 pounds and I haven't stroked a jump shot since the new year. So, last Friday, when Sterg called to invite me to play in a basketball tournament, that weekend, with him, Jimmy T and Mally, I was both excited and a little nervous. I was excited because I got an unexpected opportunity to see my friends again, and I was nervous because I would hate to perform poorly and finally have to admit to myself my once abundant athletic abilities are now fading and being erased with each bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken I eat.
Sterg's phone call brought back a ton of good memories when the 4 of us use to play in 3 on 3 tournaments quite frequently.
Jimmy T ran the point. Jimmy was a 5'5 chinese guy who couldn't shoot to save his life, but he had these motherfucking calves like watermellons and if he ever caught you under the basket, you were getting dunked on, punk... and it would be nasty. Jimmy T could put you on a poster however you wanted. You felt like seeing a leaner? No problem. Here you go - PLAAOW - how you like me now?
You know, if he wanted to, Jimmy T, right after one of his game-time dunks, could've stood underneath the destroyed basket and rightfully have requested a blowjob from either me, Sterg or Mally. And to tell you the truth, after watching him dunk, the only appropriate answer would've been "do you want us to suck your balls, as well, Jimmy?"
Sterg's phone call brought back a ton of good memories when the 4 of us use to play in 3 on 3 tournaments quite frequently.
Jimmy T ran the point. Jimmy was a 5'5 chinese guy who couldn't shoot to save his life, but he had these motherfucking calves like watermellons and if he ever caught you under the basket, you were getting dunked on, punk... and it would be nasty. Jimmy T could put you on a poster however you wanted. You felt like seeing a leaner? No problem. Here you go - PLAAOW - how you like me now?
You wanted a tomahawk? Watch me'na. Ka-BOOM. In yo' mouf. I've even seen Jimmy T hit a 360 with power on a 9 and a half foot rim. Un-fuckin-believable. Anyway, when Jimmy would throw one down on top of his defender's head in a game, the crowd would go nuts. You could see the hootchie mamas already start to line up from the neighbouring courts hoping to seduce our point guard and, through any means necessary, procure his ejaculate in a plastic zip-lock bag they could keep in a freezer, in order to later impregnate themselves in case Jimmy ever came into money.
You know, if he wanted to, Jimmy T, right after one of his game-time dunks, could've stood underneath the destroyed basket and rightfully have requested a blowjob from either me, Sterg or Mally. And to tell you the truth, after watching him dunk, the only appropriate answer would've been "do you want us to suck your balls, as well, Jimmy?"
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
yo, I dont care what anybody says, yo...
...I would tap dat ass (and I'm not talking about Wil.I.Am's, you deviants). Of Course by "tap dat ass" I mean ejaculate uncontrollably at the absolute first sign of bare flesh.
Stayed home from work today. Tried to flip a stock. Failed. Fuck.
Went to the Chinese Mall, after. Not a bad place to shop if you dont mind buying stolen shit. Thought about buying a laptop. Didn't though. The fucker who was looking to sell it to me would probably break into my house and steal it the month after.
Did buy some dvd's tho. Seven movies for $21. I got The Last King of Scotland, Pan's Labrynth, The Departed, Flags of our Fathers, The Good Sheppard, Smokin' Aces and another one I cant remember. I also got season 4 of Smallville for $15. Fuckin eh.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Girlies, you dont know what you've been missin'
Got no real idea what to write about.
The Anime Girl showed up for work a few weeks ago after her sexcapade to Niagara Falls with her boyfriend. Ever since she's been back I've noticed something different about her though. My fresh-faced, flat-assed, no tittied pixie from Asia no longer has that sparkle in her eyes. She looks hardened. The reason for her change in demeanour? I'm beginning to suspect that maybe the anime girl lost her ass virginity while on her Niagara Falls fuckfest. Perhaps her boyfriend was not as gentle as he should have been when he deflowered the anime girl and did her anal style. Perhaps the anime girl is now disillusioned and thinks romance is dead. She couldn't be further from the truth.
Man, if the anime girl lost her ass virginity with me... it would have been a whole 'nother story.
Check it:
I would have Josh Groban playing in the background. Scented candles would be lit all throughout our hotel room. I would wrap my arms around the anime girl's waist from behind and sensually whisper in her ear "did you make sure to wash inside your asshole, baby? Cuz I dont want any little suprises on my pecker when I pull out, if you catch my gist". The anime girl would signal "all systems go". I would lube up and again whisper. "Are you ready, baby? On the count of three I am going to gently enter you and we're gonna start making sweet ass-love, okay. Come, lets count together".
"One..." We'd both say in unison. And as the anime girl would begin on the "two" count I'd plunge my manrod balls deep in her tiny asshole. After a pump and a half I'd ejaculate and go into convulsions, where I swear I look exactly like a white Sammy Davis Jr. The anime girl would then make me a sandwich and tidy up the hotel room while I watched Smallville on tv.
The Anime Girl showed up for work a few weeks ago after her sexcapade to Niagara Falls with her boyfriend. Ever since she's been back I've noticed something different about her though. My fresh-faced, flat-assed, no tittied pixie from Asia no longer has that sparkle in her eyes. She looks hardened. The reason for her change in demeanour? I'm beginning to suspect that maybe the anime girl lost her ass virginity while on her Niagara Falls fuckfest. Perhaps her boyfriend was not as gentle as he should have been when he deflowered the anime girl and did her anal style. Perhaps the anime girl is now disillusioned and thinks romance is dead. She couldn't be further from the truth.
Man, if the anime girl lost her ass virginity with me... it would have been a whole 'nother story.
Check it:
I would have Josh Groban playing in the background. Scented candles would be lit all throughout our hotel room. I would wrap my arms around the anime girl's waist from behind and sensually whisper in her ear "did you make sure to wash inside your asshole, baby? Cuz I dont want any little suprises on my pecker when I pull out, if you catch my gist". The anime girl would signal "all systems go". I would lube up and again whisper. "Are you ready, baby? On the count of three I am going to gently enter you and we're gonna start making sweet ass-love, okay. Come, lets count together".
"One..." We'd both say in unison. And as the anime girl would begin on the "two" count I'd plunge my manrod balls deep in her tiny asshole. After a pump and a half I'd ejaculate and go into convulsions, where I swear I look exactly like a white Sammy Davis Jr. The anime girl would then make me a sandwich and tidy up the hotel room while I watched Smallville on tv.
Monday, February 26, 2007
why I have been attempting to fuck anything with a orifice
I guess it all started when I noticed the anime girl was away from work for three days in a row. Against my better judgement I asked NewCootch if she knew where the anime girl was.
"Why, do you like her?"
"No," I lied, "I just heard a rumour that her department was gonna pink slip some people. So I was wondering if she's still around". All fibs.
"She's using up some of her vacation time. She should be back next week."
Instantly my heart soared at the news that I would soon be seeing my angel-faced, flat-assed, asian wet dream, once again.
NewCootch continued, "Yeah, she went to Niagara Falls with her boyfriend".
I was crushed. "Her boy... she went to Niagara... with her boy... her boy... >SOB<" Like someone open-fist slapping my nuts from behind, NewCootch's revelation was unexpected... and it fucking killed. There is only one reason why anyone goes to Niagara Falls with their boyfriend/girlfriend, and that reason is to indulge in marathon length, narcotic fueled, I-wanna-devour-every-part-of-your-body-including-your-asshole-and-perhaps-even your-shit type sex. No real player goes to Niagara Falls anymore to gamble. Everyone knows the best gambling in Ontario is found in the secret backrooms of Chinese restaurants in downtown toronto. You tell the waitress the secret password (in mandarin) and you are either admitted to a gambler's paradise or some Bruce Lee / Bolo Yeung motherfucker comes out from the restaurant kitchen and spin-kicks your ass up and down the street if they think you are a cop.
Anyway, I was fucking bummed. That night I invited NewCootch to my house so I could drown my sorrows in her labia juices. We were watching Beauty and the Geek. We were sitting on my new sectional couch. NewCootch was rubbing my dick through my jeans and I was eating a sandwich. It was near the end of the show where two of the Beauty and the Geek couples were competing against each other in a quiz. One of the questions for the "Beauties" was "In the field of electronics, what does L.C.D. stand for?" NewCootch became excited and said:
"oh, oh, I know this one".
"What does L.C.D stand for?" I repeated the question.
"FLATSCREEN" NewCootch yelled out.
I nearly shit myself laughing. I immediately lost my hard-on and NewCootch was pissed at my making fun. She told me to "fuck off" and left my house.
The anime girl came back the next week. Maybe I'll get to that in a day or two.
"Why, do you like her?"
"No," I lied, "I just heard a rumour that her department was gonna pink slip some people. So I was wondering if she's still around". All fibs.
"She's using up some of her vacation time. She should be back next week."
Instantly my heart soared at the news that I would soon be seeing my angel-faced, flat-assed, asian wet dream, once again.
NewCootch continued, "Yeah, she went to Niagara Falls with her boyfriend".
I was crushed. "Her boy... she went to Niagara... with her boy... her boy... >SOB<" Like someone open-fist slapping my nuts from behind, NewCootch's revelation was unexpected... and it fucking killed. There is only one reason why anyone goes to Niagara Falls with their boyfriend/girlfriend, and that reason is to indulge in marathon length, narcotic fueled, I-wanna-devour-every-part-of-your-body-including-your-asshole-and-perhaps-even your-shit type sex. No real player goes to Niagara Falls anymore to gamble. Everyone knows the best gambling in Ontario is found in the secret backrooms of Chinese restaurants in downtown toronto. You tell the waitress the secret password (in mandarin) and you are either admitted to a gambler's paradise or some Bruce Lee / Bolo Yeung motherfucker comes out from the restaurant kitchen and spin-kicks your ass up and down the street if they think you are a cop.
Anyway, I was fucking bummed. That night I invited NewCootch to my house so I could drown my sorrows in her labia juices. We were watching Beauty and the Geek. We were sitting on my new sectional couch. NewCootch was rubbing my dick through my jeans and I was eating a sandwich. It was near the end of the show where two of the Beauty and the Geek couples were competing against each other in a quiz. One of the questions for the "Beauties" was "In the field of electronics, what does L.C.D. stand for?" NewCootch became excited and said:
"oh, oh, I know this one".
"What does L.C.D stand for?" I repeated the question.
"FLATSCREEN" NewCootch yelled out.
I nearly shit myself laughing. I immediately lost my hard-on and NewCootch was pissed at my making fun. She told me to "fuck off" and left my house.
The anime girl came back the next week. Maybe I'll get to that in a day or two.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
cock-blocking the wigger
I was taking a piss when I first started to feel the affects of the weed. I was upstairs in Sterg's bathroom hopelessly trying to keep from splashing urine on his heated bathroom floor tiles and his body-fat scale beside the toilet.
"Whoa... I'm pretty high, yo". I said to myself as I was looking at the cabinet mirror continuing to piss like a race horse. "wwwwhhooooooaaaaa, IIIIIIIII aaaaammmmmm preeeeetyyyyyy hiiiiiigh, yooooooo" I kept repeating, watching myself in the mirror until I realised I wasn't even coming close to pissing in the toilet any longer.
Fuck.
What a mess.
I cleaned up what I could with Sterg's $100 a pop bathroom towels. I then washed my hands and carefully hung the towels back on the towel rack. With a little luck, noone would be the wiser. The bathroom floor and toilet seat looked as good as new, but I am pretty sure I fucked up and short circuited Sterg's electronic body fat scale.
I exited the bathroom and made my way downstairs where I had left Mally, Sterg and the two strippers we picked up from the neighbourhood shithole, Olivia and Samantha. As I was walking down the stairs I kept on thinking "okay, there are two vaginas and three guys... how is this gonna work?
Olivia was this pretty hot black chick I spent practically my entire week's salary on. I first saw her on stage and I thought "whoa, this chick is super-fuckin-hot, yo". After her set I went looking for her. I saw her talking to some fucking 90 pound wigger wearing a P-Diddy t-shirt. As I approached Olivia, she looked alot thicker than what I could tell previously when she was on stage. I normally dont dig thick black chicks but Olivia had a pretty face and I was betting I could get at least a handjob from her by the end of the night. Besides, at that point, me and the 90 pound wigger had already made eye contact, and in that nano-second where our eyes met we had already decided that we fucking hated each other. So, even tho I normally dont dig thick black chicks, I would make a play for this one just to cock-block the wigger.
As I walked up to the wigger and Olivia, I had no idea what I was gonna say. I put one hand on the shoulder of the wigger and Olivia and opened my mouth and waited to see what was gonna come out: "Excuse me" I started, "I think I may have dropped my half ounce bag of weed. Do you know if you've seen it around? Oh wait... its in my jacket pocket... I'm such an idiot. Sorry 'bout that". And with that I walked back to the VIP table in the back of the club where Sterg and Mally were getting shitfaced.
Two rounds of shots later, Olivia came 'round back to the VIP, minus the wigger. She walked up to me and said: "do you really have half an ounce of weed on you?"
I smiled, laughed and answered "no, but that line was better than the only other line I could think of".
"Which was?" She asked.
"Which was... has anyone seen my thousand dollar bill, I think I may have dropped it by accident... ahhhh never mind, here it is in my pocket with the others".
part II - smoking weed and watching Smallville
"Whoa... I'm pretty high, yo". I said to myself as I was looking at the cabinet mirror continuing to piss like a race horse. "wwwwhhooooooaaaaa, IIIIIIIII aaaaammmmmm preeeeetyyyyyy hiiiiiigh, yooooooo" I kept repeating, watching myself in the mirror until I realised I wasn't even coming close to pissing in the toilet any longer.
Fuck.
What a mess.
I cleaned up what I could with Sterg's $100 a pop bathroom towels. I then washed my hands and carefully hung the towels back on the towel rack. With a little luck, noone would be the wiser. The bathroom floor and toilet seat looked as good as new, but I am pretty sure I fucked up and short circuited Sterg's electronic body fat scale.
I exited the bathroom and made my way downstairs where I had left Mally, Sterg and the two strippers we picked up from the neighbourhood shithole, Olivia and Samantha. As I was walking down the stairs I kept on thinking "okay, there are two vaginas and three guys... how is this gonna work?
Olivia was this pretty hot black chick I spent practically my entire week's salary on. I first saw her on stage and I thought "whoa, this chick is super-fuckin-hot, yo". After her set I went looking for her. I saw her talking to some fucking 90 pound wigger wearing a P-Diddy t-shirt. As I approached Olivia, she looked alot thicker than what I could tell previously when she was on stage. I normally dont dig thick black chicks but Olivia had a pretty face and I was betting I could get at least a handjob from her by the end of the night. Besides, at that point, me and the 90 pound wigger had already made eye contact, and in that nano-second where our eyes met we had already decided that we fucking hated each other. So, even tho I normally dont dig thick black chicks, I would make a play for this one just to cock-block the wigger.
As I walked up to the wigger and Olivia, I had no idea what I was gonna say. I put one hand on the shoulder of the wigger and Olivia and opened my mouth and waited to see what was gonna come out: "Excuse me" I started, "I think I may have dropped my half ounce bag of weed. Do you know if you've seen it around? Oh wait... its in my jacket pocket... I'm such an idiot. Sorry 'bout that". And with that I walked back to the VIP table in the back of the club where Sterg and Mally were getting shitfaced.
Two rounds of shots later, Olivia came 'round back to the VIP, minus the wigger. She walked up to me and said: "do you really have half an ounce of weed on you?"
I smiled, laughed and answered "no, but that line was better than the only other line I could think of".
"Which was?" She asked.
"Which was... has anyone seen my thousand dollar bill, I think I may have dropped it by accident... ahhhh never mind, here it is in my pocket with the others".
part II - smoking weed and watching Smallville
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