Thursday, November 29, 2007

Ladies, commence masturbation

Alright. So this is me with the King of all Pimps, Skinny McSlouchy, and his main squeeze, Saggy McHooknose.

I just wanted to give you a visual of the studliness I was dropping at the strip joint. I had chicks all over me. And it wasn't the fact that I spent over $1000 at the joint. It wasn't. The girls really liked me. They really did. I'm sure the same girls would have shown me the same affection even if my pockets were empty and I was ordering tap water all night. They were good girls. Especially the shooter girl who straddled me in a corner of our VIP area and pressed her tits in my face.

Anyway, I'm kinda bummed tonight. I'm watching season five of 24 and motherfucking Edgar dies! I love fucking Edgar. Why did the writers need to kill him off? Damn. Lynn also dies but who gives a fuck. I think Lynn is played by Sean Astin. He's the guy who played the gay hobit in Lord of the Rings.

I'm pretty sure I'd throw it to Chloe from 24. Apart from the fact she has a vagina and a mouth, physically she's not my type at all. However, I find her radical lack of social skills appealing. I imagine we'd be doing it sidewinder style and all of a sudden she would bark at me "you call this fucking!?!?"

What I dont get about Chole is why she has that expression on her face like she's always smelling something horrible. Is that her natural expression, or is she acting? Its like someone dirty sanchezed her. Maybe thats a plot development that will unfold later on in the story arc. I bet it was Edgar. I bet Edgar dirty sanchezed Chloe. Yeah. I bet Edgar dirty sanchezed Chloe and once CTU finds out, they'll try and bring Edgar back to life by cloning him using the microscopic shit stains and cells from his lower instestine that he left underneath Chloe's nose. Bingo. I bet thats it, motherfuckers.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Tommy's Party

Oh, man. That was way too much fun, yo! Tommy's party started off at Sterg's house. Me, Mally and Pistol Pete got there first and set everything up, busting out the GreyGoose and the Cheetos. I was fucking starving.

Mally: Should we order a pizza?

Hootch: Do it, man. I am fucking starving. I think the lining of my stomach is beginning to digest itself.

Pistol: Maybe we should have picked up something on the way. The food is gonna take a while to get here.

Hootch: Its alright. I had a Snickers, before.

Mally: Oh, was it one of those new oversized Snickers you were telling me about?

Hootch: Yeah, the fucking thing is huge. When I was eating it, it felt like I was holding John Holmes' dick. It was practically like a homosexual experience.

Pistol: How come? Did you eat it, or stick it up your ass?

Once we were all gathered, stuffed our faces and were rocking a nice buzz, we decided to hit the road and make our way to the peelers. The taxis arrived all at the same time and we all got in. Pistol called in ahead and set us up with bottle service and a reserved section of the joint. It was tight. Our waitress told us we were the first party to be allowed in that section of the club since they've renovated. It was nice. Lots of space. Lots of couches and chairs and a great vantage point where we could see all the girls in the club.

Almost as soon as we arrived the 3 bottles, we ordered in advance, came. We all toasted Tommy and told him if his nose was not 2 inches away from snatch, all night, we were not doing our job. With that said, I grabbed 2 girls, gave Tommy 2 bills and told him to take them in the back. I grabbed one of the girls before she left with the other and Tommy. "Hey, its my friend's birthday today so if you three all get along you'll probably be back there with him until close".

5 songs later Tommy comes back.

Hootch: How were they, Tommy?

Tommy: They fucking sucked.

Sterg: Why, what happened?

Tommy: All they did was sit on my lap and talk to each other. They didn't even dance or nothing!

Sterg: What were they talking about?

Tommy: I dunno, some party they are going to afterwards, or something. While they were talking I tried to grab one's ass and she slapped my face and called security!

Hootch: What happened?

Tommy: Security told me next time that happens they'll kick me out.

Sterg: What did you do next?

Tommy: I told the girls to start dancing but they said "your 5 songs are over" and got dressed and left.

Oh, man. I thought that was hilarious. I couldn't stop laughing. Poor bastard.

Fuck, I have a ton more from Tommy's party I'll get to within the next few days, if you're interested. Right now I gotta catch up on some sleep.

Friday, November 23, 2007

a play to spark things up again with newcootch

In an effort to remedy my medical condition scientifically know as "blue balls". I invited NewCootch over to my house yesterday after work. I told her we can watch some DVDs and hang out. She agreed and met me at my house around 11 last night.

Again, the plan was to watch a few episodes of Family Guy and hopefully, by the end of the night, we'd be banging it doggie-style to Season 5 of The Gilmore Girls. Here is what happened:

Hootch: You alright?

NewCootch: Yeah.

Hootch: You comfortable and everything?

NC: Yeah, thanks.

Hootch: So, ahhhh... whatchu saying?

NC: Oh. My. Gawd.

Hootch: What?

NC: You want to have sex.

Hoootch: What?!?

NC: You want to have sex. HAHAHA, I knew it!! Thats why you invited me over here tonight. Cuz you thought, what? That'd I'd come over, watch a dvd, have something to eat and then, what? I'd just suck you off or something?

Hootch: (well, I was kinda hoping...) I... I.. I am insulted. I thought "we haven't seen each other in a while so it would be nice to just catch up. Thats all.

NC: Yeah, right.

Hootch: Whatever, like you dont want to anyway.

NC: Ahhh, excuse me. I have a boyfriend.

Hootch: Whatever, if you knew I wanted to have sex, but you didn't, why did you come over here then?

NC: I was hoping I was wrong. And I was hoping you had matured a little.

Hootch: Oh, come on. Dont give me that bullshit again... is it that same guy you are seeing?

NC: Who?

Hootch: The weirdo.

NC: Geoffrey is not weird. He is sensitive and romantic.

Hootch: What, and I'm not?!!?

NC: No, Hootch, you are not. In your blog you referred to me as "NewCootch", that doesn't qualify you as sensitive or romantic. On the other hand, do you know what Geoffrey gave me the other day?

Hootch: The clap?

NC: It was raining one night and he went outside and collected a bottle of rainwater and labeled it "November 15, 2007 - an evening with NewCootch". Isn't that romantic?

Hootch: That is the gayest fucking thing I have ever heard.

NC: Figures you would think so.

Hootch: I hope you haven't slept with him yet.

NC: We've only been seeing each other a little while now, so of course I haven't slept with him.

Hootch: Good.

NC: I've only blown him.

Hootch: I just cant win lately. I'm going to the bathroom to jack myself a soda.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

preparations for tommy's party

Hootch: What are we doing for your brother's birthday? Taking him to a joint?

Yeah, I think he'll like that. I think he also expects a stripper to come to the house for a private show, as well.

Hootch: Thats alot to expect, no?

Sterg: Yeah, but cuz we did it for my party I think Tommy expects it for his also.

Hootch: I know but you paid for half the shit at your party... your brother is broke ass.

Sterg: Ahhh, its the kid's party. I dont want to disappoint him. He's all fucked up about breaking up with his girlfriend.

Hootch: Still?!

Sterg: Still.

Hootch: Fuck, well... alright. Lets do it. If you spring for the bottle service at the club, I'll pay for the stripper to come to the house before the club.

Sterg: Nice.

Hootch: What should the stripper look like? What kind of chicks does your brother like?

Sterg: My brother likes big tits.

Hootch: Ok, "big tits", got it. What else?

Sterg: Ahhhhh....... I think thats basically it.

Hootch: Thats it?! What do you mean thats it? What about the face?

Sterg: I dont think my brother cares about the face.

Hootch: Thats unbelievable! So your brother doesn't actually care what she looks like as long as she has big tits? Is that right? You're telling me to disregard the face.

Sterg: Disregard the face.

Hootch: So what would you say if I got a chick that looks exactly like my ass but with nice tits.

Sterg: I'd say you did a good job.

Hootch: This is unbelievable. You're blowing my ming here. The face is the most important part!

Sterg: Okay, okay, if you are gonna make such a big deal about it, see if you can find someone who looks like that Gina-looking chick from Deal or No Deal, with the overdone curly hair and the fat lips. You know who I'm talking about?

Hootch: Yeah. Got it. She has to look like she's Italian and retarded with big tits.

Sterg: Exactly.

Hootch: Book it. Lets go track her down.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

recollections on a friday

I did some DVD shopping a few days ago. Pretty excited about the purchases. Picked up Family Guy season 5, an Indiana Jones box set, The Best of Stephen Colbert and Season 5 of 24 (conventionally regarded as the weakest season of the series, I know, but I'll give it a shot as I've enjoyed the previous story arcs).

I called over NewChineseGirl, from my old job, to come over and watch some of the DVD's that night. Needless to say, I, of course, was secretly hoping an evening of quality dvd watching would magically morph into a night of chest-pounding jungle gorilla sex. Unfortunately though all we did was watch Dancing with the Stars.

Still, Dancing with the Stars wasn't as bad as I imagined. I thought the chick dancing with the race car driver guy was super hot.

I'm pretty sure the shirt underneath says "Hootch's balls taste like NutraSweet"

She looks quite a bit like Marianne, minus the addiction to weed and wigger dick.

Monday, November 12, 2007

two fags on the stairmaster

At the gym, on the stairmaster, watching tv.

Unheralded good looking chick.

Sterg: You know who I think is a pretty good looking black chick?

Hootch: Who?

Sterg: T-Boz, from TLC

Hootch: T-Boz?!?? You know, she's really let herself go the past few years.

Sterg: Yeah, but back in the day? She was pretty nice. She was, like, the hottest black chick around. There was no Rhianna. There was no Ciara. You know if you wanted to, you could easily argue that T-Boz was a seminal figure in the in the pop culture landscape as being being one of the first high profile black chicks you could crank it to. Who else was there in the 90's? No one. Just Aretha Franklin and Oprah.

Hootch: Alright. Alright. Settle down. I'm pretty sure thats not true but whatever.

Sterg: Your turn now, motherfucker. Lets see who you got.

Hootch: You know who I thinking is pretty good looking from Smallville?

Sterg: If you tell me Chloe, I'm gonna have to choke you.

Hootch: No, not Chloe. Lois.

Sterg: Lois Lane? Ha!!

Hootch: What, you don't think she's good looking?

Sterg: Of course I think she's good looking. You cant pick the hottest actress with the biggest implants on a tv show then say she's an unheralded good looking chick. Everyone loves Lois.

Hootch: Not everyone. She looks a little old around the face.

Sterg: Trust me, dude, when she's popping those double Ds no one is looking at her face.

Hootch: Oh, look. TV number 1 is playing Rhianna's new video.

Sterg: Fuck, I love this song.

Hootch: Me too. Its awesome.

Sterg: (singning) I wanna take you away / I just cant refuse it / Please dont stop the / Please dont stop the / Please dont stop the music...

Hootch: (singing) Ma say ma sa, Ma ma coo sa / Ma say ma sa, Ma ma coo sa / Ma say ma sa, Ma ma coo sa / Ma say ma sa, Ma ma coo sa

Friday, November 09, 2007

I fucking hate working on weekends... even if they are the only 10 hours I work in the week

Alright. So, today started out pretty good. I woke up, got on the computer and fired one off to a new MPEG of Sylvia Saint blowing some lucky bastard. Wicked.

After I finished spraying the ceiling I noticed the appearance of the man who received the blow job. He easily looked like the ugliest degenerate on the face of God's green earth. That's when I decided I should become a porn star. I mean, if the money and the drugs were all the same, I'm sure every porn director and actress would prefer to have me in their movie rather than that animal. I'd be a pretty awesome porno star too, I think. I'd bring adult entertainment more in the mainstream by using my new found fame to tackle social and political injustices.

(At the Adult Movie Awards; Over the Public Address system)

PA Announcer: And now to present the award for Best Male Performance in a Menage, here is the star of "Platapussy" and "69 Things to do in Denver When you're Dead", put your hands together for Hootch.

(Audience cheers; Camera cuts to Sylvia Saint smiling, enjoying the evenings festivities)

Hootch: Good evening everyone. Tonight I'm here to announce the best male performance in a menage. The nominees are $2 Dollar Productions, in "V for Vagina", Charlie Shame for "30 Days of Poon", Ligtning Bug's Butt for "Things We Lost in Her Poon and last but not least, J7 for "Dan in Real Life - the director's cut"

(Audience applauds)

Hootch: But before we hand out the award for Best Lead Male in a Menage, I'd like to get serious for a second and talk to you about Darfur....

Yeah, I'm pretty sure thats how I would roll as a porn star.

Can I sweet talk'em, or what?

On my way to the change-room, at work yesterday, I passed by superhotchinese girl walking with a friend. Their shift was just ending and mine was beginning. Superhotchinesegirl was wearing black tights and a red and black thick utilitarian-looking flannel shirt. It was indeed a bizarre combination for a hot looking chick to be wearing. For a second there I was reminded of an old girlfriend named Dida. Dida's fashion sense was anything but conventional. She looked like she dropped acid everyday before she decided to dress herself.

Anyway, back to superhotchinese girl. I caught this part of superhotchinesegirl and her friend's conversation as they were approaching me:

Friend: I like your shirt. It looks flannel.

SHCG: Yeah, it is. Its so comfortable. I bought it at (some store I've never heard of). It was so expensive. I read somewhere that flannel is coming back.

I decided to astound all with my wit. I thought about busting out into dance and singing "she's bringing flannel back...", but decided to go with the below:

Hootch: Oh, superhotchinesegirl, I was wondering if you could help me?

SHCG: What's up?

Hootch: I have this massive tree in my backyard and I was wondering if you could come over, maybe, and help me chop it down.

SHCG & Friend: (blank expression on both their faces)

Hootch: Because... because... you are wearing a checkered flannel shirt, you see....

SHCG & Friend: (blank expression on both their faces)

Hootch: ... and you maybe look like a lumberjack.


Hootch: Yes... no... on second thought... its just the flannel shirt. They are not normally worn by someone so attractive as yourself. They are normally worn by the likes of someone closer to your friend's appearance. Anyway, lumberjacks dont wear black tights so I clearly dont know what I'm talking about.

SHCG & Friend: (Silence)

Hootch: And even if you did look like a lumberjack, you'd clearly be the most attractive lumberjack I've ever seen... which i guess wouldn't be hard considering all the lumberjacks I've seen, so far, have crazy facial hair and are 300 pounds overweight.

SHCC: Is that supposed to make it better?!?!

Hootch: (silent, thinking of my next move)

SHCG & Friend: (silent, waiting for an answer)

Hootch: "she's bringing flannel back / them other boys dont know how to act..."

SHCG: Just get out of my way.

In retrospect, I should have lead off with the Justin's "SexyBack". Oh well, I'll get'em next time.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

it must have been love...but its over now

The Cameron Diaz chick with the fat ass is even more pretty than I remember. At work, the other day, as I turned the corner and headed for the Cosmetics booth, I nearly ran into her. I stood there, face to face with possibly the most beautiful girl I've even seen in my life and was unable to say anything. "SAY SOMETHING, YOU DOLT!!" my mind yelled in command but my eyes and heart could not comply. I just stood there staring. It could have been for a few seconds or half an hour, it was hard to tell. The Cameron Diaz chick with the fat ass was so beautiful the laws of time and space did not apply where we stood.

Finally she broke the silence. In the nano-second it took for her words to reach my ears I contemplated the possibility that she was gonna ask me on a date, or to the movies, or to sit on my face. But instead she sneered and said "why dont you take a picture, it lasts longer".


What a cunt.

"I would but I don't have a panoramic, wide lens to fit your ass in the shot".

And with that, I'm pretty sure I blew any chance of hooking up with Cameron Diaz with the fat ass.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

'tis the season for a good market ass-rape

Made good money yesterday. Today was an absolute, fucking misery. I need a fucking break. Too much second-guessing is driving me crazy. Plus dealing with all the fucking morons on a number of different stock forums isn't helping either.

Went to the book store last night. Picked up a couple of books by Bukowski - Ham on Rye and Factotum. Looking forward to reading them.

Today I go into work. Put in the big 5 hour shift then stay after hours to help set up the Christmas decorations. Apart from me, Sterg said he only asked the best looking chicks in the store to stay and help out. Nice. Hopefully I can negotiate some type of menage, on top of a mountain of Doritos, between me the black chick and the chinese girl. So, just in case you are in Toronto and wondering what that stain is on the bag of your Doritos - Extra Zesty bag of chips, you'll know. Its my shit stain.

If I cant work the black chick and the chinese girl menage, I'll target the cosmetician that looks like a young Cameron Diaz with a fatter ass. If she's a no-go, I'll attempt the pretty greek girl for a quickie over the magazine stand. If she refuses I'll ask the black manager who is borderline ugly. If she says no I'll have no other option but to just rape the gay guy (just kidding... he probably wants me).