Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Girlies, you dont know what you've been missin'

Got no real idea what to write about.

The Anime Girl showed up for work a few weeks ago after her sexcapade to Niagara Falls with her boyfriend. Ever since she's been back I've noticed something different about her though. My fresh-faced, flat-assed, no tittied pixie from Asia no longer has that sparkle in her eyes. She looks hardened. The reason for her change in demeanour? I'm beginning to suspect that maybe the anime girl lost her ass virginity while on her Niagara Falls fuckfest. Perhaps her boyfriend was not as gentle as he should have been when he deflowered the anime girl and did her anal style. Perhaps the anime girl is now disillusioned and thinks romance is dead. She couldn't be further from the truth.

Man, if the anime girl lost her ass virginity with me... it would have been a whole 'nother story.

Check it:

I would have Josh Groban playing in the background. Scented candles would be lit all throughout our hotel room. I would wrap my arms around the anime girl's waist from behind and sensually whisper in her ear "did you make sure to wash inside your asshole, baby? Cuz I dont want any little suprises on my pecker when I pull out, if you catch my gist". The anime girl would signal "all systems go". I would lube up and again whisper. "Are you ready, baby? On the count of three I am going to gently enter you and we're gonna start making sweet ass-love, okay. Come, lets count together".

"One..." We'd both say in unison. And as the anime girl would begin on the "two" count I'd plunge my manrod balls deep in her tiny asshole. After a pump and a half I'd ejaculate and go into convulsions, where I swear I look exactly like a white Sammy Davis Jr. The anime girl would then make me a sandwich and tidy up the hotel room while I watched Smallville on tv.

Monday, February 26, 2007

why I have been attempting to fuck anything with a orifice

I guess it all started when I noticed the anime girl was away from work for three days in a row. Against my better judgement I asked NewCootch if she knew where the anime girl was.
"Why, do you like her?"

"No," I lied, "I just heard a rumour that her department was gonna pink slip some people. So I was wondering if she's still around".
All fibs.

"She's using up some of her vacation time. She should be back next week."

Instantly my heart soared at the news that I would soon be seeing my angel-faced, flat-assed, asian wet dream, once again.

NewCootch continued, "Yeah, she went to Niagara Falls with her boyfriend".

I was crushed. "Her boy... she went to Niagara... with her boy... her boy... >SOB<" Like someone open-fist slapping my nuts from behind, NewCootch's revelation was unexpected... and it fucking killed. There is only one reason why anyone goes to Niagara Falls with their boyfriend/girlfriend, and that reason is to indulge in marathon length, narcotic fueled, I-wanna-devour-every-part-of-your-body-including-your-asshole-and-perhaps-even your-shit type sex. No real player goes to Niagara Falls anymore to gamble. Everyone knows the best gambling in Ontario is found in the secret backrooms of Chinese restaurants in downtown toronto. You tell the waitress the secret password (in mandarin) and you are either admitted to a gambler's paradise or some Bruce Lee / Bolo Yeung motherfucker comes out from the restaurant kitchen and spin-kicks your ass up and down the street if they think you are a cop.

Anyway, I was fucking bummed. That night I invited NewCootch to my house so I could drown my sorrows in her labia juices. We were watching Beauty and the Geek. We were sitting on my new sectional couch. NewCootch was rubbing my dick through my jeans and I was eating a sandwich. It was near the end of the show where two of the Beauty and the Geek couples were competing against each other in a quiz. One of the questions for the "Beauties" was "In the field of electronics, what does L.C.D. stand for?" NewCootch became excited and said:

"oh, oh, I know this one".

"What does L.C.D stand for?" I repeated the question.

"FLATSCREEN" NewCootch yelled out.

I nearly shit myself laughing. I immediately lost my hard-on and NewCootch was pissed at my making fun. She told me to "fuck off" and left my house.

The anime girl came back the next week. Maybe I'll get to that in a day or two.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

cock-blocking the wigger

I was taking a piss when I first started to feel the affects of the weed. I was upstairs in Sterg's bathroom hopelessly trying to keep from splashing urine on his heated bathroom floor tiles and his body-fat scale beside the toilet.

"Whoa... I'm pretty high, yo". I said to myself as I was looking at the cabinet mirror continuing to piss like a race horse. "wwwwhhooooooaaaaa, IIIIIIIII aaaaammmmmm preeeeetyyyyyy hiiiiiigh, yooooooo" I kept repeating, watching myself in the mirror until I realised I wasn't even coming close to pissing in the toilet any longer.


What a mess.

I cleaned up what I could with Sterg's $100 a pop bathroom towels. I then washed my hands and carefully hung the towels back on the towel rack. With a little luck, noone would be the wiser. The bathroom floor and toilet seat looked as good as new, but I am pretty sure I fucked up and short circuited Sterg's electronic body fat scale.

I exited the bathroom and made my way downstairs where I had left Mally, Sterg and the two strippers we picked up from the neighbourhood shithole, Olivia and Samantha. As I was walking down the stairs I kept on thinking "okay, there are two vaginas and three guys... how is this gonna work?

Olivia was this pretty hot black chick I spent practically my entire week's salary on. I first saw her on stage and I thought "whoa, this chick is super-fuckin-hot, yo". After her set I went looking for her. I saw her talking to some fucking 90 pound wigger wearing a P-Diddy t-shirt. As I approached Olivia, she looked alot thicker than what I could tell previously when she was on stage. I normally dont dig thick black chicks but Olivia had a pretty face and I was betting I could get at least a handjob from her by the end of the night. Besides, at that point, me and the 90 pound wigger had already made eye contact, and in that nano-second where our eyes met we had already decided that we fucking hated each other. So, even tho I normally dont dig thick black chicks, I would make a play for this one just to cock-block the wigger.

As I walked up to the wigger and Olivia, I had no idea what I was gonna say. I put one hand on the shoulder of the wigger and Olivia and opened my mouth and waited to see what was gonna come out: "Excuse me" I started, "I think I may have dropped my half ounce bag of weed. Do you know if you've seen it around? Oh wait... its in my jacket pocket... I'm such an idiot. Sorry 'bout that". And with that I walked back to the VIP table in the back of the club where Sterg and Mally were getting shitfaced.

Two rounds of shots later, Olivia came 'round back to the VIP, minus the wigger. She walked up to me and said: "do you really have half an ounce of weed on you?"
I smiled, laughed and answered "no, but that line was better than the only other line I could think of".
"Which was?" She asked.
"Which was... has anyone seen my thousand dollar bill, I think I may have dropped it by accident... ahhhh never mind, here it is in my pocket with the others".

part II - smoking weed and watching Smallville