Monday, February 26, 2007

why I have been attempting to fuck anything with a orifice

I guess it all started when I noticed the anime girl was away from work for three days in a row. Against my better judgement I asked NewCootch if she knew where the anime girl was.
"Why, do you like her?"

"No," I lied, "I just heard a rumour that her department was gonna pink slip some people. So I was wondering if she's still around".
All fibs.

"She's using up some of her vacation time. She should be back next week."

Instantly my heart soared at the news that I would soon be seeing my angel-faced, flat-assed, asian wet dream, once again.

NewCootch continued, "Yeah, she went to Niagara Falls with her boyfriend".

I was crushed. "Her boy... she went to Niagara... with her boy... her boy... >SOB<" Like someone open-fist slapping my nuts from behind, NewCootch's revelation was unexpected... and it fucking killed. There is only one reason why anyone goes to Niagara Falls with their boyfriend/girlfriend, and that reason is to indulge in marathon length, narcotic fueled, I-wanna-devour-every-part-of-your-body-including-your-asshole-and-perhaps-even your-shit type sex. No real player goes to Niagara Falls anymore to gamble. Everyone knows the best gambling in Ontario is found in the secret backrooms of Chinese restaurants in downtown toronto. You tell the waitress the secret password (in mandarin) and you are either admitted to a gambler's paradise or some Bruce Lee / Bolo Yeung motherfucker comes out from the restaurant kitchen and spin-kicks your ass up and down the street if they think you are a cop.

Anyway, I was fucking bummed. That night I invited NewCootch to my house so I could drown my sorrows in her labia juices. We were watching Beauty and the Geek. We were sitting on my new sectional couch. NewCootch was rubbing my dick through my jeans and I was eating a sandwich. It was near the end of the show where two of the Beauty and the Geek couples were competing against each other in a quiz. One of the questions for the "Beauties" was "In the field of electronics, what does L.C.D. stand for?" NewCootch became excited and said:

"oh, oh, I know this one".

"What does L.C.D stand for?" I repeated the question.

"FLATSCREEN" NewCootch yelled out.

I nearly shit myself laughing. I immediately lost my hard-on and NewCootch was pissed at my making fun. She told me to "fuck off" and left my house.

The anime girl came back the next week. Maybe I'll get to that in a day or two.


Melissa said...

I LOVE Beauty and the Geek. Ashton Kutcher struck gold with that shit.

julia said...

didn't newcootch take 8th grade computer class?

man oh man. "newcootch was rubbing my dick through my jeans and i was eating a sandwich" is priceless realism.

question girl said...

flatscreen = flat hooch


2 Dollar Productions said...

Man, name-checking Bolo Yeung is worth the price of a post anytime. But don't worry as anyone who from the States who claimed to have a girlfriend from Niagra Fallas was lying their ass off.

That might not be the case in Canada.

The Boob Lady said...

amazing.. how i've missed you.

Me said...

Eating a sandwich while getting rubbed?

And who says romance is dead...