Saturday, February 24, 2007

cock-blocking the wigger

I was taking a piss when I first started to feel the affects of the weed. I was upstairs in Sterg's bathroom hopelessly trying to keep from splashing urine on his heated bathroom floor tiles and his body-fat scale beside the toilet.

"Whoa... I'm pretty high, yo". I said to myself as I was looking at the cabinet mirror continuing to piss like a race horse. "wwwwhhooooooaaaaa, IIIIIIIII aaaaammmmmm preeeeetyyyyyy hiiiiiigh, yooooooo" I kept repeating, watching myself in the mirror until I realised I wasn't even coming close to pissing in the toilet any longer.

Fuck.

What a mess.

I cleaned up what I could with Sterg's $100 a pop bathroom towels. I then washed my hands and carefully hung the towels back on the towel rack. With a little luck, noone would be the wiser. The bathroom floor and toilet seat looked as good as new, but I am pretty sure I fucked up and short circuited Sterg's electronic body fat scale.

I exited the bathroom and made my way downstairs where I had left Mally, Sterg and the two strippers we picked up from the neighbourhood shithole, Olivia and Samantha. As I was walking down the stairs I kept on thinking "okay, there are two vaginas and three guys... how is this gonna work?

Olivia was this pretty hot black chick I spent practically my entire week's salary on. I first saw her on stage and I thought "whoa, this chick is super-fuckin-hot, yo". After her set I went looking for her. I saw her talking to some fucking 90 pound wigger wearing a P-Diddy t-shirt. As I approached Olivia, she looked alot thicker than what I could tell previously when she was on stage. I normally dont dig thick black chicks but Olivia had a pretty face and I was betting I could get at least a handjob from her by the end of the night. Besides, at that point, me and the 90 pound wigger had already made eye contact, and in that nano-second where our eyes met we had already decided that we fucking hated each other. So, even tho I normally dont dig thick black chicks, I would make a play for this one just to cock-block the wigger.

As I walked up to the wigger and Olivia, I had no idea what I was gonna say. I put one hand on the shoulder of the wigger and Olivia and opened my mouth and waited to see what was gonna come out: "Excuse me" I started, "I think I may have dropped my half ounce bag of weed. Do you know if you've seen it around? Oh wait... its in my jacket pocket... I'm such an idiot. Sorry 'bout that". And with that I walked back to the VIP table in the back of the club where Sterg and Mally were getting shitfaced.

Two rounds of shots later, Olivia came 'round back to the VIP, minus the wigger. She walked up to me and said: "do you really have half an ounce of weed on you?"
I smiled, laughed and answered "no, but that line was better than the only other line I could think of".
"Which was?" She asked.
"Which was... has anyone seen my thousand dollar bill, I think I may have dropped it by accident... ahhhh never mind, here it is in my pocket with the others".

part II - smoking weed and watching Smallville

7 comments:

Me said...

Finally! Hootch returns, yo.

question girl said...

OMG -- hooch is ALIVE!!!

YIPPI!!!

2 Dollar Productions said...

Alive & pissing & taking down Wiggers - it's good to be back, eh?

But I thought it was cocaine not weed that really did the trick with strippers. Learn something new every day.

Your Girl Friday said...

Welcome back Hootchy. Great Post

Melissa said...

Degenerate.

And tell Sterg that straight men don't have body fat scales and 100 dollar towels.

Charlie Shame said...

Good to have Jenny back on the Block. When dealing with white strippers, sub weed for ex/coke.

TJ Ford be representing, Texas connection in the house.

The Boob Lady said...

Son of a bitch, see kids, stalking does pay off, he'll eventually come back.