Monday, July 30, 2007

Dusty Mac is gonna help me pay off the Swarovski

I dont know who the fuck swarovski is, but I'm pretty sure I just helped bankroll his retirement.

I originally posted this before 7pm with the intention of recounting what happened to me at the mall. Its all fucking retarded though so I deleted everything. In a nutshell, I dropped a G on a swarovski crystal when I originally planned on spending about $200.

Anyway, as noted previously I had taken the Jays -139 to beat the Rays. The Rays have always been a pain in the ass to the Jays, more than you'd expect, but I had my man Dustin MacGowan on the mound tonight and his shit is tight. One more inning in the books and I'll be $50 closer to winning back my G.

If the Jays do hold on for the win tonight I may take half a position on the Angels/Mariners game, over 8.5. However if the Jays fuck up the 9th and blow their lead I'll lay off the Angels/Mariners action and just crank it to the blonde chick on TBS's My Boys. I haven't actually decided yet if I find her attractive but maybe a good crank is whats needed to settle the debate.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

the bookmakers are running scared

I won the football game yesterday thanks to Winnipeg scoring 19 points in the 4rth quarter. Today, so far I have the under (49.5) on the Saskatchewan RoughRiders vs Edmonton Eskimos game. "Eskimos"... I'm not certain thats all so politically correct. It may not be regarded as bad as naming a team the Vatican City Child Molesters but still, I think its time to put an end to all derogatory and insensitive team names, no?

Perhaps more on this later on. Its football time now.

later on.

fuck. I got smoked on the over. It wasn't even close. Edmonton's defense sucked monkey cock all game long. Now I know my emotions are running high cuz I lost some money but really I still think I can provide some objective analysis to the game. My completely objective, empirical, scientifically proven take: I am fucking better than every single player on the Eskimos.

I'm chasing the afternoon loss by taking the B.C. Lions (+2.5) over the Calgary Stampeders. I really know nothing about either team but the game is on tv and I got a jones to fix.

Today really has been pretty great, though. I've done nothing all day but chill with newchinesegirl, watch the Godfather movies and bet on football. For most of the day NCG has been beside me reading Harry Potter.

While the football game was in the 2nd quarter she put down Harry Potter and said:

NCG: Wanna make love?

Hootch: aaaaa, yeah, I guess. Can we do it here though so I can still watch tv?

NCG: That doesn't sound very romantic

Hootch: Dont worry, baby. Its gonna be unbelievable. Maybe I'll dim the lights a little, get out the candles, turn on a little music.

NCG: That sounds nice.

Hootch: Alright. Now go upstairs in the closet and bring down the sex towel.

NCG: Whats the sex towel?

Hootch: Its the towel I use when I have sex in the tv room to make sure the couch or the carpet dont get any stains on them. This shit is expensive, you know?

NCG: The "sex towel" doesn't sound too romantic.

Hootch: Well, my mom is coming over tomorrow. What do you want me to tell her? "No, dont worry about that splotch on the couch, Ma, thats just a shot of my jizzwad".

I also just took the BoSox (-120) over Tbay. Dont know why the line is so low but too juicy not to take.

Friday, July 27, 2007

in the interest of throwing my money away to individuals other than sluts...

...I've decided to fire up the gambling account again. I dont think I can go a day without watching the markets and my money move up and down. So, to try and appease my addiction I'll re-starting the gambling account and see if that scratches my itch. Healthy habits for sure.

The site I gamble through is set up for real-time, in-game betting. What this means is that almost every play that takes place during a game changes the lines and the proposition bets you can play. Throughout the course of a single game you can lay down almost as many bets as there are plays. Its seriously fucking addicting.

Tonight I'm starting off with the Winnipeg Blue Bombers (-9) to ass-fuck the Hamilton TigerCats. I'm also thinking of taking the over (9.5) for the Blue Jays/WhiteSox game. Josh Towers is pitching for the Jays which essentially means everyone in the bleachers will get a free baseball courtesy of ChiSox homers. Also apparently the WhiteSox have the shittiest bullpen in baseball, so we'll see if the over lures me into taking that action. I probably will if I'm down on the BlueBombers game, but for now I'll just stick with the football.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

phone call at work

Today at work I got a phone call from X. For those of you who dont know, X is this cool-cat Tunisian hipster who use to work at shithole co with me until his work Visa expired. He also use to rent out my basement so every weekend I had the pleasure of hearing him sodomize a broad array of willing and vocal female participants.

Anyway, X is now in Belgium and doing pretty well I'm happy to say. Just before lunch I get a call from him on my work line.

X: Hootch? Hey, how are you doing, man!!

Hootch: X?! Hey, brother, whats going on? Hey everybody (I announce to my department) its X on the phone.

X: I'm doing good. I'm doing real good.

Hootch: Good, I'm happy to hear that. Are you still in Belgium or have they thrown you out of the country yet?

X: Yeah, I'm still in Belgium but I'm on vacation right now. Right now I'm in Amsterdam.

Hootch: Wow thats awesome, dude. Hold on, I'm gonna put you on speaker phone so you can say "hi" to everyone.

X: No, no, no, man, dont put me on speaker phone. I'm zzzzzzzzsssssssszzzzssss (static interference)

Hootch: You're what? The line cut in and out there. I couldn't hear what you said.

X: Dont put me on speaker phone, brother, I'm zzzzsszzsszzszzsz (more static)

Hootch: What? You're gonna have to speak up. The line is cutting in and out. Listen, I'm gonna put you on speaker phone real quick. Just say hello to everyone. Everyone keeps asking about you, dude. They miss you. They keep on saying how you were like a little brother to them. (I click the "speakerphone on" button and turn up the volume)

X: (on speakerphone) No, no, man, no speakerphone. I just took a hit of xtasy so all I wanna do now is go into this bordello and powerfuck the first chick I see. You wont believe what 50 euros will get you over here.

The timing couldn't have been better. Go gettem, X. Throw in a couple pumps for me and maybe even a little titty squeeze.

Thursday, July 19, 2007


Hey. Last week I hit up the Chinese Mall and picked up a few DVDs. Among the movies I bought was Vacancy starring Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale. Now, even though Kate Beckinsale is British, she's easily one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I dunno, it may be just me, but to my eyes most British women look like Posh Spice, which is to say completely and horribly bug-like/alien. However, Ms. Beckinsale is the exception that proves the rule, I guess.

Behold the result of the most unlikely British genetic coding ever in the history of the world:

My Gawd, man, that is hot!! If, for whatever reason, me and Kate Beckinsale were the last human beings on earth and the survival of the human race depended on us, there would be no way our species would survive. There is no way I would be able to come within 10 ft of Kate's snapper without uncontrollably sending the seeds of mankind everywhere but where they're designed to be deposited... the chin of a young lass.

Anyway, the movie. As it turned out Vacancy surpassed all of my expectations. I had anticipated the movie being pretty good but it had delivered even more suspense and scared-shitless action than even I imagined.

The movie in a lot of ways reminded me of PhoneBooth, another movie I love and think is under appreciated, in that so much of the story takes place in once setting. There is also a great deal of suspense in each story as a result of the villains largely going unseen, but not unheard from, until either the middle or near the end of the movie. Excellent, excellent stuff. I highly recommend both if you haven't seen either.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

bullshit musings

Shit. It was like receiving the best blow job you've ever had in your life only to find out later the person blowing you was a guy. I felt confused, betrayed and just plain ol' fucking mad.

Last week I took a little cash, from my line of credit, to play with in the market. For the entire week I couldn't miss. All the stocks I had targeted I had hit on big. Every buy and every sell order I was making was spot-on-fucking perfect. I cleared several Gs and I was walking like I was King Fucking Shit.

Then came this week. I'll spare myself the embarrassment of rehashing the fuckstraveganza comedy of errors and bad luck I encountered today and yesterday. My only saving grace was the decision to throw everything at Thomson Creek Metals. TCM is one of my favorite companies. I've been in and out of this stock more times than unemployed dirty dicks have been in and out of Marianne. I bought 1500 shares of TCM today and made back a good deal of my losses. If I can make close to another G tomorrow on TCM I may find myself back in the black. If not, I'll probably sell disgusted at myself for pissing away gains I could have used for procuring handjobs and weed.

Truthfully speaking, my investment account has turned more into a gambling account than anything else. I've sold shit I've made 10% - 20% in a few months for the prospects of throwing it all on a small cap looking to 2ble those gains in a quarter of the time. Sometimes its a swing and a miss. Other times I connect and hit it out of the park. When its good, you cant beat the rush. Its unreal. Its like the greatest fucking hit of adrenaline jacked right into your balls. When its not so good. It fucking sucks.


Yesterday I had another football game. I thought we were gonna lose. We had the bare minimum of 6 players again, forcing everyone who showed up to play both offence and defence. Our starting QB didn't show so we went with our back up, DC. DC is a fucking charmed gunslinger if I ever saw one. He makes the craziest, most retardedly unlikely plays seem commonplace. I'm pretty sure DC tokes up before gametime. Yesterday he forgot to bring his running shoes and shorts. I mean, how is that possible unless you're hitting the refer before the game. Anyway, in order to play he borrowed a girls' size 8 Chuck Taylors and Fuzzy's short, tight swimming trunks. And even though DC looked like he just came from the gay parade he still managed to put up 34 points on the board. We won 34 - 28.

We have a pretty good shot at going undefeated this year. I've played on a few football, soccer and basketball teams that have finished undefeated and had caught all the breaks during the regular season. Problem is these types of teams never win the championship.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Note to the Hamilton Tiger Cats Football Team

Dear Hamilton Tiger Cats,

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but as long as your Quarterback's name is Chang and your starting running back is a white Canadian you may never win another football game again.

Now, I know I'm not a professional scout or anything, and I know Timmy Chang set all sorts of records while at the University of Hawaii, but come on, this is professional football...even if it is Canadian. For sure it'll disrupt the balance of the Universe if a Chang finds success as a quarterback. What's next? A black guy drawing anime!?! I mean, if part of playing quarterback entailed putting together a computer or solving complicated calculus equations, then I'm sure Timmy Chang could be your man... but it doesn't, so he isn't. Sorry.

Same deal for Jesse Lumsden, your Canadian running back. Dudes, you have a double whammy going against you - (1), your starting runningback is white; (2) he's Canadian. What were you thinking!?! I mean, fuck, you may have been better off with a one-legged black American runningback. If you were looking for someone to perform lumberjack duties around the stadium or someone to shoot a puck into a net, then fine, I could understand you going with Jesse Lumsden as opposed to a one-legged black American, but as runningback... i just dont get it. Enjoy getting blown out

Friday, July 06, 2007

conversation with Sterg's younger brother

Tommy: Hey, Hootch. Me and you have always been pretty tight, right? I mean, if I tell you something in confidence you're not going to immediately rat me out to my brother, right?

Hootch: Yeah, Tommy, me and you are cool. Why? Whats going on? You okay?

Tommy: Yeah, yeah. Its about the new girl I'm seeing. I think tonight we may have sex for the first time with each other and I'm a little nervous. You know its been a little while since my last girlfriend...

Hootch: Dont worry about it, brother. I bet she is way more nervous than you are. There is no pressure. Just have fun. Enjoy it, man.

Tommy: What about condoms? Before I'd just steal a Trojan from my brother, but now he's stopped using condoms with his chick.

Hootch: Your brother is barebacking it?

Tommy: Yeah.

Hootch: Nice.

Tommy: Anyway, with the condom, what kind should I use?

Hootch: Well, if she's dirty, grab the thickest fucking condom you can buy... and then wear two.

Tommy: No, come on, man. I'm serious.

Hootch: Okay. Alright. Sorry. What kind were you thinking of buying.

Tommy: What about those special kind. The... ah... the... whatchuma call them? The ruffles kind.

Hootch: Ruffles?! Holy fuck, Tommy. I dont know if you mean "ribbed" or if you're planning on sticking your dick in a bag of potato chips.

late for the rockpile and cant think of a title

I sucked huge cock Wednesday night at football. We only had 6 guys show up (the bare minimum you need on the field), so everyone had to go both ways - offense and defense. Defense was not a problem as I'm exactly like Champ Baily but only with a hairy ass. Offense though? I might as well have been wearing cinder block gloves cuz I couldn't catch shit. Three fucking dropped balls. Man, thats really unusual because I'm normally the male version of Jerry Rice.

Anyway, our QB (exactly like Drew Bledsoe... only less mobile; I think I could beat him in a race with a piano on my back) was nice enough to tell me "you'll get 'em next week" but I was still bummed.

Oh, by the way, we won the game 33 -14 so we're still the only undefeated team in our division. I have two games next week so I'm looking forward to getting shit back together.

Teams G W L T P/F P/A PTS +/-
Lost A Step 6 6 0 0 183 104 18 79
Obsessions 6 5 1 0 184 84 15 100
Enforcers 6 4 2 0 163 113 12 50
Milf Hunters FC 6 4 2 0 119 105 12 14
Seminoles 6 2 4 0 102 127 6 -25
Red Knights 6 2 4 0 93 123 6 -30

Sunday Morning Maniacs 5 0 5 0 69 147 0 -78
Argos 5 0 5 0 38 158 0 -120

Monday, July 02, 2007

I think it would be pretty rad to get quadrupled teamed by the harajuku girls

yeah. For sure. I think it be pretty rad to get quadrupled teamed by the harajuku girls. I'm not really a multiple-partner-at-once type of guy, but I think I'd be down for seeing 8 japanese titties all heading for my balls at once. I could dig it. I especially like the 2 harajuku girls who think they're black.

I almost had a menage once. It took place at the end of a long night of drinking. But as it turned out it was only once chick and I was seeing double... actually it wasn't even a chick it was my hand but I had moisturized that day so my hand was soft and smelled good like a woman.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Mix one cup of wigger with a tablespoon of Debbie Gibson = Fergie's video

Dear Fergie Ferg,

What in the world is going on, sister? I mean, I spend countless hours trying to fight against the increasing tide of popular opinion that you were born with a penis and this is how you repay me - with the Big Girls Dont Cry video?!

I hear the masses say "oh man, for sure Fergie was born with a dick" and without any consideration for my own dwindling popularity I steadfastly and earnestly defend your genetalia "NO WAY, SCREW YOU GUYS!!! Fergie was not born with a penis alright!! Its just that all the steroids she's done only make her clit look like a penis, okay!!" And as thanks for my efforts you bust out the Debbie Gibson look from the 80's?!?!?!

For heaven's sake, Fergie, I haven't been able to masturbate to you once since I've seen that "Big Girls Dont Cry" video. Trust me I've tried. I imagine, like always, we're doing it doggie style. I ask you "How do you like it, baby? Am I as good as Wil.I.Am? In my fantasies previous to the Big Girls Dont Cry Video" you'd say something like "you're better, big daddy". But now when we're doing it doggie and I ask you the same question you turn your head and its not even you any longer ... its not your face I see any more... its Debbie Gibson's. And when she opens her mouth rather suggest we smoke weed or compliment my ergonomically shaped penis, all she does is sing "El-ec-tric Youth". I never knew my balls could recede so fast into my lower abdomen.

Anyway, Fergie, I know as an artist you constantly want to evolve and explore different aspects of your personality and creativity. But you can still evolve as an artist and look like a wigger hootchie-mama. Please dont change your image for the sake of artistic growth. I mean, if you feel some change in your image is necessary try and follow the path Rhianna as taken. Despite the fact that her repertoire of songs and sounds have expanded exponentially she still rocks that amazonian fuck goddess look.

Please Fergie. Think about it. There is no way I could ever masturbate to this: