Wednesday, February 27, 2008

conversation at work

Hootch: Hey, what's going on?

Babyface: Not much. Me and prettygreekgirl finally did it.

Hootch: You did?! Thats awesome, man.

Babyface: It took me long enough.

Hootch: I thought you guys were only going out for 2 weeks.

Babyface: We have. I thought the blue balls were gonna kill me.

Hootch: You are my fucking hero.

Babyface: What about you and HBC? Have you guys... (does his weird arm gesture that I imagine means "had sex")

Hootch: A gentleman never kisses and tells.

Babyface: ...

Hootch: She gave me a blowjob on our first date (I lied).

Babyface: Fuck, I almost jizzed right there thinking about HBC giving peepa (blowjob in greek), you lucky fuck.

Hootch: Hey, I thought I told you to text me when you were about to deflower PGG.

Babyface: I almost did. It was so retarded. We were at my house and I was in my bathroom looking for my Magnum Xtra Large Condoms... (laughs)

Hootch: (laughing) Shyyaat up. I dont care how many times we use that joke, its, like, the best ever.

Babyface: I was in the bathroom. She was waiting for me in my bedroom. I had the text all written out and was about to hit "send" but I thought "what the fuck am I doing? I'm sending Hootch a text, like I'm a hero, cuz I finally busted a nut on prettygreekgirl?! She's not even that pretty".

Hootch: What?!

Babyface: Ahh, I dont think prettygreekgirl is all that pretty.

Hootch: WHAT?!

Babyface: I dont, man. I shouldn't have even asked her out. I only asked her out cuz you kept going on about her being hot and an unappreciated beauty in the pharmacy. I dont even think she makes my top 5 in the pharmacy, dude.

Hootch: You're crazy, guy. PGG has been holding down the number one spot on my top 3 list in the pharmacy ever since I started working in this shithole.

Babyface: No. No way.

Hootch: Want me to hit you with some truth? Dont get hurt now. BAMM!! Top three: (1) PGG, (2) SuperhotChineseJailBait, and (3) CameronDiazlookalikebutwithabighead.

Babyface: And you're calling me crazy, HBC isn't in your top 3?! You're insane! Dude, every guy in here thinks she's the best looking girl in the store by far except you.

Hootch: I know. I know she's alright but I only asked her out cuz she made it, like, practically a sure thing. She essentially invited herself to come with me to the basketball game that first night.

Babyface: Why didn't you say "no".

Hootch: I would have felt bad if I told her "no".

Babyface: How come? Cuz she's so nice?

Hootch: No, cuz I didn't want to disappoint you guys.

Babyface: She's fucking hot, dude. I'd waaay rather be banging HBC.

Hootch: Yeah, and I'd rather be with PGG.

Babyface: ...

Hootch: Holy fuck, its like we're in a fucking episode of Three's Company.

Babyface: Maybe we can talk to the girls and arrange to have a foursome and in the middle I can just take HBC and you can take PGG.

Hootch: Ya, but if Mr. Furly catches us he'll kick us out of the apartment for sure.

Babyface: Guy, I'm not a geezer like you. I have no idea who the fuck Mr. Furley is.

Monday, February 25, 2008

While watching "Traffic" and the Oscars on tv last night

Hootch: You know, someone once told me I look a little like a young Benicio Del Toro.

HBC: Actually, I've always thought you looked quite a bit like Benico Del Toro.

Hootch: Yeah? Cool! He's a pretty good looking guy, eh?

HBC: I don't think he's that good looking.

Hootch: (said jokingly) Fuck off.

HBC: Ahhh, excuse me! Did you just tell me to fuck off?

Hootch: ....

HBC: Well?

Hootch: No.

HBC: Yes, you did.

Hootch: So! You said I was ugly.

HBC: I didn't say you were ugly. What are you, like, 12 years old or something?

Hootch: You look like Oprah.


Hootch: Come on, anyone but Javier Bartem.

Presenter: And the winner for Best Supporting Actor goes to...

Hootch: Come on. Come on.

Presenter: ...Javier Bartem for No Country For Old Men!!

Hootch: FAACK!!!

HBC: What? What's wrong?

Hootch: The fucking Mexican won.

HBC: Oh, right. The bet. Explain to me again why you thought betting against the favorites was a good idea?

Hootch: I dunno. Probably the same reason I thought inviting you here, was a good idea, also.


Sunday, February 24, 2008

Betting with Oscar

Alright, here is how we are gonna play this. For the Best Picture award No Country for Old Men is a pretty sizable favorite. There Will Be Blood is the second favorite to win (+450). Atonement is third (+750). Juno is fourth (+1600) and Michael Clayton is fifth (+3500).

I am gonna put $5 on There Will Be Blood, $5 on Atonement, $5 on Juno and $5 on Michael Clayton. If There Will Be Blood wins my payout is $22.50. If Michael Clayton wins (hope hope) my payout is $175. If Atonement or Juno win my payout will be somewhere in between. Of Course if No Country wins I get nothing but the aggravation of trying to explain to HBC why I thought these bets were a good idea.

I'll use the same type of strategy for the other major categories where there is a heavy favorite.

For Best Actor Daniel Day-Lewis is a fucking huuuuge favorite. If you wanted to bet him to win you would have to put down $2500 just to make $100 back. Anyway, I'll put $5 each on George Clooney (+1200), Johnny Depp (+2500), Tommy Lee Jones (+6000) and Viggo Mortensen (+8000). If the Cloon-Dawg wins my payout is ($60). If Viggo Mortensen takes it the payout is $400. I think Viggo and Tommy Lee Jones have less a chance of winning than I do keeping the 20s in my pocket at a strip joint, but if by whatever miracle they do come up the winner and I decided not to play them, I would have to cause myself some serious bodily injury.

Best actress I'll lay off of but I will play Best Director and Best Supporting Actor. The two favorites in each of those categories is The Coen Brothers and Javier Bardem. If anyone else but them win for their respective categories I'll be a happy fucker.

Enjoy the evening.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Any geologists in the house??

Serves me right for betting against my team.

Been riding a pretty good streak on the markets. Hitting one stock hard on the strength of its commodity price. And what commodity is that, one might ask.




Good guess, but no, again.

The answer is coal. Yeah, motherfucking coal!! Metallurgical coal, to be exact, but yeah, go figure. With all the advancements in technology, with all the R and D put in alternative energy sources, with all that shit going on its coal thats bringing my ass back from the verge of having to look for a real job. Anyway, the price of the commodity is expected to more than double from last year's prices so yip-dee-fuck-dee-doo for me.
Looks like I lucked the fuck out this afternoon. Caught a news release just as it was made public and jumped on the stock hoping it would move. The company announced their prospective mining results from the land they own. I could never read those fucking things (too scientific; you practically have to be a geologist to make heads or tails out of it) but I threw a few thousand at it to see what would happen.

In at 0.65. Price now is 1.45. All dumb luck. Makes me feel a little better about that losing streak I was on before. Now the question is when to lock in profits and if to add on a position just before the close hoping the insane momentum will continue tomorrow. The problem is I cant understand the report. I cant tell if the stock is flying cuz the promoters are pushing it or cuz the numbers in the report are that damn good.

The difference could be a couple hundred bucks of profit vs killing it pretty good. Good enough not to worry about bills for a while and concentrate on more fun things like watching movies and hitting on Franki.


Closed the day at 1.57. Nice. Funny to think I almost sold at 80 cents. Fuck, I would have considered some serious self mutilation if I did. Can never tell what tomorrow brings but looks like the run may continue, at least for a bit. Shit, I always feel like the biggest douche bag when I talk about a stock I own that did/does well. Maybe I should donate half of what I make to charity... or go to the strip club. One or the other as long as I'm giving.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Lets get ready to gamblllllllle!

Orlando +4 over the Raps.

Labron-bron and the Cavs -2.5 over the Pacers.

Monday, February 18, 2008

I may have slipped into retardation

It would be totally awesome to live in the 25th Century, cuz then you'd get to dress up like this:

Does it really get any more macho than that? Gold tight-assed pants, you carry a jacket just so you can throw it over your shoulder as you proudly display your knarly chesthair. The jacket over the shoulder is a touch of 25th century fashion genius. It says "yeah, I can cover up my hairy chest if I wanted to, but why should I? I'm taking ownership of the manbeast that lives inside me. Just because we live in the 25th century doesn't mean I've lost touch with my primitive instincts".

Totally fucking cool. In fact, in the 25th century you are encouraged to display your manbeast..., or in the following case your man-birdbeast.

AAAAaaaaaaawwwww yeeeeeahh. Thats what I'm talking about. The perfect fusion of 25th century technology, as illustrated by the impenetrable black body armour contrasted with the feathered helmet which represents the vulnerable yet ferocious animal inside us all. KA-kaw, KA-kaw!!

Plus in the 25th century all the women look like this:

Every single woman, like the above. You see, sometime in the 22nd century they held a contest to see who the hottest looking woman was of all time. And as it turns out, Ricky Shroeder's mom, from Silver Spoons, won (followed by that retarded chick from Headlines News who does the mornings - Robyn, I think her name is). Anyway, from that day on, every single female was cloned to look like Ricky Shroeder's mom. This was widely recognized as a positive step in civilization as far too many women, previously, looked like this:

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Have you ever seen Joyce Dewitt and Joan Jett in the same room together?

A few days ago I was watching The Top 50 Videos of the 80's with HBC. I'm not really a fan of the show or 1980's music but as I was flipping through channels I caught the teaser that promised to play "I love Rock n' Roll" by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts.

Hootch: Have you ever heard that song before?

HBC: No.

Hootch: Oh my gawd. You haven't?!? You're so racist.

HBC: You know, that joke was never funny. Not even the first time you said it.

Hootch: Here comes the video. Watch. This song is awesome.

The song and video begin.

HBC: What the fuck. Is that Janet from Three's Company?

I'll let you decide:

HBC's observation totally blew my fucking mind. I couldn't stop laughing. Its like Janet is the Clark Kent to Superman's Joan Jett.

It was then I decided to reward HBC with some extra hot white boy loving that night.

HBC: (as we are doing it) That feels nice.

Hootch: (continuing to rock her world). Tell me how much you like it.

HBC: Thats feels so nice, honey. Yeah, like that. Keep on doing that.

Hootch: Like that? Tell me how much you like that.

HBC: hmmmmyeeeeah

Hootch: Tell me how much you love white meat.

And with that comment, ladies and gents, combined with the fact that I couldn't stop laughing afterwards, I probably permanently put myself in the shithouse.

It was probably worth it, though. That was a damn good laugh.

Friday, February 15, 2008

The Oscars With My Bookie

Here are the odds for the Oscars. The lines are provided by my bookie. If you're not familiar with the odds to the right, here are how they work. If I wanted to bet No Country for Old Men to win best picture I would have to put down $333 to win a $100 back (obviously it is the favorite at minus 333). However, if I take a flyer on Michael Clayton to win at plus 4000 I would win $4000 for every $100 I put down. Wow. Obviously movie insiders think Old Country is a lock for best picture.

Anyway, have a look at the odds. Let me know what you think. Advice and insights are always appreciated but please no tips like "Bet $1000 on BattleField Earth".

Best Picture

No Country For Old Men-333Bet
There Will Be Blood+400Bet
Michael Clayton+4000Bet

Best ActorBook Closes Feb 24 15:00

Win Only

Daniel Day-Lewis-2500Bet
George Clooney+1400Bet
Johnny Depp+1400Bet
Viggo Mortensen+4000Bet
Tommy Lee Jones+5000Bet

Best ActressBook Closes Feb 24 15:00

Win Only

Julie Christie-200Bet
Marion Cottilard+200Bet
Ellen Page+800Bet
Cate Blanchett+4000Bet
Laura Linney+5000Bet

Oscars - DirectorBook Closes Feb 24 15:00

Win Only

Joel Coen and Ethan Coen-No Country for Old Men-400Bet
Paul Thomas Anderson-There Will Be Blood+450Bet
Julian Schnabel-The Diving Bell and the Butterfly+750Bet
Jason Reitman- Juno+4000Bet
Tony Gilroy- Michael Clayton

Win Only

Javier Bardem-1600Bet
Casey Affleck+1100Bet
Hal Holbrook+1200Bet
Philip Seymour Hoffman+4000Bet
Tom Wilkinson+4000Bet

Oscars - Best Supporting ActressBook Closes Feb 24 15:00

Win Only

Cate Blanchett+130Bet
Amy Ryan+225Bet
Ruby Dee+333Bet
Tilda Swinton+700Bet
Saoirse Ronan

Wow. Again having a look at the odds it appears like for most of the categories the winners are already practically determined. Any dark horses out there?

Thursday, February 14, 2008

the greatest basketball game I ever played

It was my first day of university. I decided to skip all my classes. I had Surrealism and Dada, Post Modern Literature and Poetry: Romanticism. I thought I was the reincarnation of Lord Byron. Actually, I still do. Anyway, I skipped my classes that day and headed for the gym. I thought playing ball would be a good way to kill the day.

I arrived at the gym. There were lots of basketball games being played. At first I couldn't decide what game to include myself in. I didn't want to pick a court where I would be severely over matched. I wanted to pick a court where I could show off my skills. I wanted to make a good impression on the girls watching the games. I tried to decide. Should I include myself in the game with the fewest black people, or include myself in the game with the most chinese guys. It was probably the wrong decision but I included myself in the game with the fewest black people.

After all the introductions, we started playing. In the first minute of the game I threw a laser beam no look spinarama pass to the wingman cutting toward the basket. It was perfect. One basket for us on the strength of my bad-ass pass. The crowd took notice. I was stoked. As the game continued, in an effort to recapture that first glorious moment, I attempted no-look passes almost every time down the court. Unfortunately, none of my subsequent passes found their mark. I broke one guy's glasses. I smashed the ball off the head of another guy who wasn't even looking at me. I whipped the ball off the nose of a player who I thought was on my team but in fact was on the other.

It was so much fun. Way more fun than going to class could ever be. That first semester I practically skipped every class to play basketball.

I failed almost every course and was placed under academic suspension.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

daytrading message boards

Im getting pretty tired of the all the bullshit and scamming that goes on day-trading or investing message boards. I mean, there is a level of shadiness and half-truths that you have to expect on those forums cuz its an ideal means to meet a whole bunch of gullible people with disposable income. But now, now its getting waaaay out of control.

I mean, I could deal with the way it was before. A scam artist would be looking for a group of naive investors to dump their worthless shares on at a premium price. The scam artist would be touting a stock as a certain 2ble your money winner hoping to create an artificial demand for the the company's shares. I'd post a message exposing the scammer's plot and revealing his history of failed stock picks and predictions. The scammer would then proceed with threats to kill me. I'd respond with threats of fucking his mother.

Now its different. Now you have eeeeeveryone trying to pull the wool over everyone's eyes. Now you have everyone trying to be an internet personality. Everyone is saying now how they are day-traders; how they dont work and they kill it on every single stock trade. Fuck off. Its all bullshit. Why is everyone seeking the approval of other members of the message board and trying to get that approval with bullshit claims. I mean, you're never ever gonna meet the other members. Its not like they're gonna say "ohhhh,your internet claims of being a bad-ass make you sound sooooo cool. Come over here and let me give you oral".

I dont know. I'm just fucking hate everyone now.

By the way I finally got off the schnyde (sp?) so this frustration has nothing to do with that.

Saturday, February 09, 2008

The best date I can imagine

You come over to my house. We order and eat a tonne of Chinese food. We watch House of Flying Daggers. Sometime during our movie watching, your desire for my wang in your mouth overwhelms you and you jump me. We fuck a few times. You fall asleep and I watch tv for the rest of the night.

I wake up the next morning to find to you have already left... but not before cleaning my house and leaving me all the leftover Chinese food. I have the General Tsao's chicken for breakfast. Its delicious. I contemplate calling you back for some morning anal. I decide against it as I dont wanna risk the possibility of you taking it as an invitation to stay the entire day. I masturbate instead.

I re-enact all the fight scenes from House of Flying Daggers with a pillow. I kick the pillows ass. However, somehow the pillow has managed to bust my lip. Fucking pillow.

I turn on the tv. The basketball game is about to begin. I call the neighborhood bookie and bet a 50 on the team with the most black guys. I lose the 50. Luckily though I find your purse by my front door. I riffle through the purse's contents and take all the cash. $100. I take your purse and step outside. With all my strength I launch your purse as far as I can. I'm hoping it lands in my bookie's backyard. I cant tell for sure. I'll be happy though if it made it as far as the Mexican's house.

I step back inside my home and call the police. I tell them I overheard the neighbourhood bookie and the Mexican talk about how they stole a purse they found on the street. I tell them they plan on using the cash and credit cards to fund an existing gambling operation and to assist Pakistanis and Tamils in finding permanent residence in Nebraska.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Fuck, man. I've had, like, the jinx thrown on me. The last week everything I did in the markets turned out the exact opposite of what I intended. A total fucking mess. I'm totally fucking gun-shy now. Maybe its time I take a week or so off. I dunno.

This weekend was pretty cool. On Saturday, I went out to watch the UFC fight. I was particularly interested in watching Brock Lesnar fight. The guy has to be the biggest fucking guy I've ever seen in my life. If he's ever standing between you and daylight his gorilla chest will surely eclipse the sun.

Anyway, Lesnar lost due to his inexperience but he absolutely smashed the shit out of the guy his was fighting against before he left himself open for an ankle lock. Even though he lost, you can tell, one of these days, Lesnar is gonna end up fucking killing an opponent in the octagon.

Sunday was the Superbowl at Ho's house. That was awesome. All of us had the Giants
so it was fun to watch as the G-Men "shocked the world". We were using's in-play, real-time betting application so we had money on the Giants throughout the game at +8.5, +10.5, and +13.5.

The funniest part about the SuperBowl, I thought, occured during the half-time show when the 100's of paid extra's rushed the stage during the Tom Petty performance. Are we supposed to believe that hot looking 20 year olds know who the fuck Tom Petty is? I mean, really! It kills me when corporate America tries to manufacture special, "spontaneous" moments. Spare us the well-planned out bum rushing the stage. Save us the orchestrated waving of the lighters back and forth. Just let whatever happens, happen. This being said, I'm pretty sure Tommy Petty was dead and they were just "weekend at Bernieing" him. I could've swore I saw Andrew McCartney on stage.

So far, last week seems to have carried over into today as far as the markets go. Fuck, dude.

Maybe its time I take my fat ass to the gym again. Take my mind off the unbelievable shit streak I'm riding. Too bad HBC has gone visiting friends in DC. I could certainly use a fuck right about now.