Saturday, March 24, 2007

my work spares no expense when it comes to hiring qualified individuals

Recently the company I work for hired a group of gimps and illegal immigrants to file our 2006 files. I was chosen to lead the motley crew of 3 cent an hour employees to the warehouse where they would organize and separate the 2006 files from the 2007. My manager told me that I was to stay in the warehouse with the new employees as long as it took them to organise the mountain of paperwork and to answer any questions they may have.

As we approached the warehouse I thought it'd be a good idea to welcome the newhires and lay down some ground rules:

"Hello everybody. Welcome to Shithole co. If you have any questions at all please do not hesitate to ask anybody else but myself. Despite the fact that I will only be five feet away from you, I am, under no circumstances, to be disturbed. I will be too busy playing Tetris or trying to score some weed for the weekend. Oh, and one last thing, as there is no internet access in the warehouse, please lets try and get this filing done as quickly as possible. At any point in time, if any of you have to use the bathroom, please for the sake of progress, either hold it or grab one one these communal piss bottles I will be strategically placing throughout your work area".

15 minutes later and on line 25 of my Tetris game, one of the gimps approaches me:

Gimp: I have this file here, it says October 2006. What do I do with it?

Hootch: Place it in a pile with the other 2006 files.

Gimp: What if it says December 2006?

Hootch: You would still place it with the other 2006 files. Dont even look at the month. If the file says 2006, you place it in one pile, if it says 2007 you place it in the other pile.

Gimp: Oh, I got it now.

Hootch: Good. Now, unless you're holding an eighth... (shooing him away)

Gimp: What if it says December 2007?

Hootch: Well, it wouldn't say December 2007 because we're only in March., motherfucker.

Gimp: Oh, I got it now... but what if it did?

Holy fuck, have I unknowingly died and gone to hell? As I was checking my vitals I saw one illegal immigrant make his way towards the communal piss bottles. "Finally" I thought "at least one newhire looks like he can follow directions".


"NO, NO, XXXXXXX!!! The communal piss bottles are not for drinking"


Elaine said...

LOL! Please tell me you're exagerrating about the work sitch!

So did you score any weed?
If so, puff puff GIVE biotch. :P

question girl said...

hey - at least they won't be asking for the vending machine's or for change........

Me said...

I swear...we HAVE to work in the same place! Not that I'm a drinker of the community piss, but I work with them.