Sunday, August 27, 2006

Charles Bronson vs Hootch

Not because I think I'm mother-fucking Charles Bronson in Death Wish, but more so because I'm an idiot who doesn't know how to heed good advice.

When I was younger I used to get in fights pretty often. If there was a brawl in a pool hall I was usually in the middle of it. If there was an altercation on the basketball court chances are I'd be involved. If there were a couple of goofs chucking knuckles at the peelers, dollars to donuts I'd be one of those goofs.

One time, I remember when I was in high school, I came home late for dinner with a couple of scraped knuckles and a bloody lip. My Dad saw me and correclty guessed I had got into a fight. He took me aside, before my mother and sister could see me and asked what had happended. I told him I ran into the school nazi. We had a disagreement regarding political philosophy. The nazi tried to tazer me and I broke his nose.

My Dad told me he understands there are some fights that are impossible to walk away from. But he also told me that 99% of confrontations can be dealt with through non-violent means.

"Walking away should always be your first option", my Dad would say.

"Aww, but Dad I smoked this guy. I knew I could take him".

"You might be able to handle yourself but what about your mom and your sister?"

"What have they got to do with any of this?"

"Have you considered that each time you get into a fight you are endangering the safety of your family? Do you know if the school nazi followed you home? Does he know you have a sister who will be going to your highschool next year?"

"But Dad..."

"What happens if the guy had a gun, or if he had some other friends waiting for you. You never know what can happen in a fight, son. Think of how your mother and sister would feel if anything bad had happened to you. Think of how I would feel.


"I'm not saying you should never get in a fight, Hootch. I'm just saying when there is the possibility of walking away, but you choose to fight, I want you to ask yourself one question - is it worth it? Okay?


"Now go upstairs and clean yourself up. I dont want your mom to see you like this... she'll have a cow."

Last week I found myself in not one but two dust-ups. Fucking crazy. The events that unfolded that lead to each fight were so unlikely it was, like, a freak occurence that the first fight happened, let alone the second. And to tell you the truth I dont know if either scrap was worth it.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

From the depths of Depravity... is "depravity" even a word? Anyway...

Been occupying myself the past couple of days watching Buffy, The Vampire Slayer (season 6 and 7). Fucking great stuff.

Anyway, the below is a conversation I had with my friends a few weeks ago, a month, I dunno. We were hanging out at Sterg's house. Most of the guys were playing cards. I was watching tv.

Sterg: Anyone seen Mally?

Kos: I think he's in the bathroom.

Tommy: Still, I've been holding a shit for, like, 20 minutes
(90% of the conversations with my friends begin like this)

Fusis: What are you watching?

Hootch: Gilmore Girls. You can change the channel in a second, tho. I just want to see what episode they're showing.

Fusis: Which one is it?

Hootch: I cant tell yet. They all begin with the same fucked up teaser where the mom and daughter talk so fast you can hardly understand what's going on.

Kos: Every episode they talk this fast? At first I thought they speaking Spanish

Hootch: Yeah, every episode. I'm pretty sure tho I just heard Lorelai say something about "mazola oil", "gerbils" and "anal penetration".

Sterg: You're fucking retarded.

Hootch: Maybe. But the show is fucking awesome.

Tommy: I thought the Gilmore Girls was only for pre-pubescent chicks and their fat over-the-hill moms' who still think they're cool in their fat-over-the-hill mom jeans.

Hootch: No man. The Gilmore Girls transcends both gender, age and fashion sense. It tackles universal issues we can all relate to. Issues that cut to the core of being Human. You know, the need to love, to be loved, the need to belong.

Fusis: Oh yeah? Sounds deep.

Hootch: Yeah... Plus Alexis Bledel is fuckin hot.

Sterg: Is she the mom?

Fusis: She's the daughter.

Kos: The mom is hot.

Fusis: The mom is ugly, dude.

Kos: It figures you think the mom is ugly.

Fusis: Whats that supposed to mean?

Kos: All the chicks you like, Fusis, are jailbait.

Fusis: What?! No... Like who?

Kos: Like who?! What about Hilary Duff.

Fusis: Okay, fine. ONE chick I like is kinda young.

Kos: Rhianna.

Fusis: Alright, two. But you cant really hold Rhianna on me. Everyone thinks she's hot.

Hootch: If someone gave me the choice between peace in the middle east and Rhianna... it wouldn't even be close, dude.

Kos: Lindsay Lohan.

Sterg: (shaking his head in disgust) You like Lindsay Lohan, guy?

Kos: Cassie.

Fusis: NO!! I dont even know who Cassie is!

Sterg: She's the black chick that sings "Me and U"

Fusis: Oh yeah... She's hot.

Kos: Ciara.

Tommy: I heard she was a man once.

Fusis: I'd still throw it to her.

Kos: Jojo

Hootch: Fusis likes the black guy from KC and Jojo?!

Kos: Naw. Jojo the the white chick who sings "A Little Too Late" and "Get Out" .

Sterg: Holy fuck Fusis!! Isn't she, like, 8.

Fusis: She's almost 18. And all I said was that she was a cute kid. I didn't mean anything sexual by it. You guys are fucked.

Sterg: Sure, Fusis. You sick bastard.

Fusis: Listen, just because you guys objectify every single woman you encounter and only see them as a means to satisfy your most base, primal sexual urges doesn't mean that I do too, alright?

Hootch: What?! I soooo do not objectify cootches.

(telephone rings. Tommy picks it up.)

Tommy: Hey Kostakis is on the phone. He's at the rippers. He wants to know if we wanna meet him down there.

Fusis: The titty bar!! Oh, hell yeah. Lets go.

Friday, August 18, 2006

A little more of Huner's party

Okay. I have 15 minutes before I have to throw my stank-ass body in the shower and head to work. Lets see how much of Huner's party I can get through.

So, Huner's big deal was that he thought he was "incapable of love". I know, whatta big fuckin' let down. I was kinda hoping he'd say something like "boys, I just scored a shitload of free weed and I'm looking for someone to help me smoke it" or "Hootch, I just discovered that Rhianna and Sylvia Saint wanna tag team your hairy ass and have mad, crazy, jungle gorilla sex with you". But naw. He went all Dawson's Creek and started talking about his feelings, fears, expectations, emotions, uncertainties etc etc.

Huner: My Entire life has been one big hoax. I keep establishing all these false expectations for myself and all I do is bullshit my way through them. Its not right. Its not fair to my family and to those who love me.

Sterg: Huner, thats not true. Dont be ridiculous, dude... nobody loves you.

Anyway, Huner was tripping because he was having 2nd thoughts about his wedding. He was coming to the realization that he did not have any "strong feelings" for his fiance. What made matters worse was that his wedding was in a couple of weeks. What could we possibly tell him to make him feel any better?

Mally: Listen, Huner. More than 50% of marriages today end in divorce anyway, so even if you had feelings for your fiance, chances are you'd be divorcing her ass in a couple of years, regardless.

Strangely, Huner did not find solace in Mally's words of wisdom.

My stench is overcoming me. I'll continue later. I gotta hit the shower before I pass out. The gym today was rough. I had to endure 45 minutes on the eliptical machine while watching Mama's family on the gym tv sets.


Thursday, August 17, 2006

throw the fucker in GenPop

Grab'im by that fuckin shirt that's buttoned all the way up to his pencil neck and tucked three feet into pants, stick a sign on his back that says "I kill kids" and toss'im in with the bikers.

Fellas, its feeding time. Oh, and remember, boys, show Mr. Child Killer/Molester all the consideration he showed the little girl.

Happy feeding.

Friday, August 11, 2006

This Is My Blog On Smirnoff

Before I continue with the retardation that was Huner's bachelor party I gotta say, the anime girl, today at work, looked fuckin' fabulous. Unbelievable. The best I've ever seen her look. Now, of course, she hates my fucking guts, but that's besides the point. Well... technically its not so much besides the point as it is actually exactly the fuckin point.

The anime girl hates me. I've learned to accept it. She somehow got the impression that I don't take work too seriously. And that bugs her. It goes against the grain of her utilitarian all work and no play philosophy. I never thought I was that bad at work but still... I guess it doesn't help when I spend half the day chasing NewCootch around the office trying to flick her with elastic bands, as she's laughing and yelling "Hootch, the last elastic you hit me with is caught in my cleavage".

Maybe I should make more of an effort to be serious and robot-like at work. Maybe that would impress the anime girl. Maybe I should make more of an effort to wear ugly-ass dress shoes instead of my Wade1's. Maybe then the anime girl would come up to my desk and say "Hootch, your steadfast dedication to the company really makes my clit tingle. Quick, bend me over the photocopier". Or maybe she'll run into me in the cafeteria and say "Hootch, I find your soulless and robot-like efficiency arousing. Prepare to have me sit on your face."

Hmmhh. Something I should think about anyway... and by "think about" I, of course, don't actually mean "thinking" per se, but something more along the lines of getting wasted and scouring the streets of Toronto for skanky chicks.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Huner's Bachelor Party; Part II Huner's Confession

As the evening slowly progresses, we are solicited by Toronto's most expensive implants and bombarded with really shitty Eurotrash pop tunes. Some of the girls look alright, but its too early to commit to any one stripper for Huner. Sterg and Mally get up from the table to scope the joint out. As they leave I hear the beginnings of the first song I actually like come over the club's stereo system.

You're keeping in step

In the line
Got your chin held high and you feel just fine
Cause you do
What you're told
But inside your heart it is black and it's hollow and it's cold

Just how deep do you believe?
Will you bite the hand that feeds?
Will you chew until it bleeds?
Can you get up off your knees?
Are you brave enough to see?
Do you want to change it?

The Hand That Feeds from Nine Inch Nails. I turn around to see who the girl is thats dancing to the song. Its some post apocolyptic chick dressed in torn fishnets and a torn generic athletic jersey, a tiny latex skirt and a short black wig. She's not really my type but I gotta give her props for playing a song I like.

"You like that chick?" Huner asks.
"She's alright", I answer. "I like the song more".
Huner: Do you remember that chick from your birthday party?

Hootch: Which one?
Huner: The skinny one with the massive implants.
Hootch: You have to be more specific than that.
Huner: She looked like a beater. She was the one who told you she was gonna become a world famous rapper.
Hootch: Oh fuck. Yeah. She was a fuckin disaster. Did you hear her rhymes?
Huner: I thought she was pretty good.
Hootch: Pretty good?! Oh fuck, Huner, she's so bad she makes Vanilla Ice sound like Chuck D.
Huner: She was hot though.
Hootch: I dunno. I hate implants.
Huner: How can you hate implants?! Oh wait, I know. You probably think implants are a manifestation of man's effort to demean women or some shit, right?
Hootch: No, I just think they feel too hard.

The post apocolyptic girl finishes dancing to her first song. She goes back stage to prepare for the remainder of her set. The club's DJ plays the second song she selects. Another one of my favorites. Sweet little sister by the Mark Inside.

Sweet little sister I cant take much more of this
Come over here for just one little kiss
Sweet little sister if you think you want more
My door is open, girl
Leave your clothes on the floor

Hootch: Oh fuck, this song is the coolest.
Huner: Who sings it?
Hootch: The Mark Inside.
Huner: Never heard of 'em

Hootch: Once I saw them at ...
Huner: (interrupting) Do you think she will be here?
Hootch: Who?
Huner: The beater chick.
Hootch: Naw, I dont think so. She's too ghetto for a place like this.
Huner: I was talking to her for a bit at your party. I thought she was sweet. She had a kind of innocence about her.
Hootch: Huner, at the end of the night she asked me and Sterg if we wanted to tag team her.
Huner: She did?! What did you guys say?
Hootch: We said "Hell Yeah". Its was awesome too... except for the part where I slipped it in Sterg's asshole by accident.

Huner looks at me like he cant decide whether to cry or lunge across the table and stab me .

Hootch: Huner! Dude! I'm joking. Nothing happened. I just went home afterward. What's up with you today, man. Why all these questions. Is everything alright?
Huner: Hootch, I have to tell you something. Something I haven't told anyone else yet.
Hootch: You're not gonna tell me you're gay are you?
Huner: What?! No.
I dont know why I said that. I'm really drunk. If you are gay thats okay. I joke alot but thats because I'm an idiot. Its cool if you're gay. It really is. I mean, some of my best friends are black.
Huner: What?!?! No, never mind. I'm not gay, okay. Would you listen to me?

Sterg and Mally return from their implant safari.

Mally: Whats going on?
Hootch: Huner is gay
Sterg: Huner is gay!

Hootch: Dont you judge him, Sterg, you homophobe.
Mally: Holy! How much has Hootch had to drink?
Hootch: ...and Mally, you are the worst out of all of us!!
Mally: Me!? What'd I do?
Hootch: You dont even have any black friends, you sick bastard.
Huner: Will everyone shut the fuck up and sit down. I. AM NOT. GAY. But I do have something important I have to say. Something I need to confess to you all.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Huner's Bachelor Party; Part I

Me, Sterg and Mally took Huner out for his bachelor party last week. We took him to a high-end joint on the west side of Toronto. The place was filled with Eurotrash chicks with fake tans and fake tits. Perfect for Huner and Sterg as implants are the first things they look for on a girl. Mally really doesn't have any preference, fake titties or no, as he will fuck anything with a pulse.

We arrived at the rippers' around 9pm. I was a little crusty so to tell you the truth I didn't make much of an effort to dress up. Most of the patrons in the joint were dressed in business attire or business casual. I was wearing my black Elevator to Hell t-shirt, blue jeans that hung off my ass and my Dwane Wade's. I wasn't there to socialize. I wasn't there to show off my latest fashions. I was only there to drink myself into oblivion and to split the cost of Huner pressing his face into a couple of implants.

We grabbed a table and settled in:

Huner: Do you guys know any girls here?
S: No. I dont think so.
Huner: (to me and Sterg) You guys realise between the two of you, your last 3 girlfriends have all been strippers?
S: Have they?
Huner: Yeah, Marianne, Tera and Laura.
S: Oh.
Huner: Why do you think that is?
Hootch: Probably cuz I crave dysfunctional relationships, with slutty girls, that are certain to end in complete and unmitigated catastrophe.
Mally: Huh?
Hootch: Translation - Cuz I'm a fuckin idiot.
S: I just cant go out with normal girls anymore. Its like, 10 minutes into our first date I'm thinking "why isn't this chick straddling me?"

I've heard Sterg say this before and I laugh every time. I can so relate. The gap between normal dating expectations and what I have grown accustomed to is so wide its disgusting. Its sickening. Its really quite sad. Its absolutely unacceptable. I also find it pretty hilarious in a "lets laugh at how much of an ingrate I've become in the last few years" kind of way.

I'm such a disease and an asshole of epic proportions its unbelievable.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

the mother of all ailments - constipation

Okay. So here I am today drinking an ungodly amount of Metamucil trying to counter the affects of the Popeye's fried chicken skin and grease that have conspired to form some sorta impenetrable airtight seal inside my asshole.

I ate Popeye's fried chicken, yesterday, for the first time and since then I haven't shit. Not once. Not even a little nugget. Its been more than 36 hours and thats unheard of for me. I'm normally good for 3 shits every 2 days - one shit each morning and another "wildcard" shit throughout the course of the remaining timeperiod.

Seriously, immediate action is required. I'm about to shoot a large bowl of Raisin Bran up my ass. Do I have everything I need? Let me take an inventory:

Raisin Bran Cereal - check.
Skim Milk - check.
Mazola Oil (for lubrication) - check.
Industrial Sized Turkey Baster - check.

Okay, I'm all ready. "I'm going in" says the Turkey Baster.

If I die in some sorta self-administered enema type of accident, please pull the turkey baster out of my ass before the authorities find my body.

Wish me luck.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

The French Lesbian, AnimeGirl and NewCootch

Today NewCootch caught me sneaking a peek at the AnimeGirl. She asked me if I liked her. I lied and said "no". I dont think I was very convincing though. NewCootch then told me that AnimeGirl had a boyfriend.

"Who? That guy with the coke-bottle glasses, pocket protector and calculator watch?" I asked.

"Yeah". She answered.

I stood there catatonic. I dont even know what catatonic means but thats how I stood.


The anime girl - single handedly capable of making you believe in both god and the devil all with the same 2 second heat and flash glance. Sure, she looks like she would be kind of a boring, all business, utilitarian lay, but hey, I'd still throw it to her.

"Yesterday, someone told me they liked you". NewCootch continued talking to me.

"Who?" I asked, convinced the answer would be - Lars, the 5000 year old albino Scandanavian from the warehouse.

"D'you now the tall girl downstairs with the really short hair and the dress shirts?"

"Who? The French lesbian?!"

"She's not French. She has a name you know!"

"I know, what is it again, IWishSheWasBetterLooking?"

"Yeah. she likes you."

"She likes me?! She doesn't even know me... Is she really a lesbian? I was just joking with that bit".

"I think she's bi."



"Well, what?"

"What should I tell IWishSheWasBetterLooking?"

I wanted to say "tell her I pine for the animegirl - that boney assed marvel of the world". But instead I said "tell her nothing", as I thought I still have logs in the fire from the bachelor party last saturday. Then I thought "logs in the fire?!" I dont think thats the proper expression. That sounds kinda homo. Then I thought "I'm such an asshole". Then I thought "mustard". Then I thought "why do all strippers love dolphins?"

Then I though "mustard" again.