Friday, April 27, 2007

pics of trips

I'm at a loss for what to write so I thought I'd share some pics from my travels. This here is a pic from my trip to North Korea. Before my departure from Toronto, I dubbed the trip "40 ho's in 40 nights". Unfortunately I fell 39 short of the mark.







Here is a pic from my trip to Antarctica. I went there to watch the summer Olympics. This pic was taken at a beach volleyball game. The player waving to us is from some Scandinavian country, I cant remember exactly which, I think it may have been El Salvador. I actually met her at a market the day before and was considering sleeping with her until I saw her in a bikini and realised she was more man than I'd ever be.



Here are a couple of pics of Atlantis before it became submerged in water. I think I was the party responsible for its annihilation. In the bathroom of my hotel room I came across a button that said "do not press". I pressed it. We sank. Woopsee.





this, here, 2nd pic was the view looking up from my hotel room pool. If you looked straight down you'd catch a view the Mediterranean. It was wonderous to take in its natural unadulterated beauty. Me and this East German bitch use to get high here every day.


Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Raps vs Nets

I'd rather lose a testicle than have my beloved Raps lose to a bitch team like the NJ Nets.

Today's game was un-fucking-believable. It was like a heavyweight fight that allowed cock-punching, eye gouging and ass raping. It went back and forth with NJ controlling the play most of the time and the Raps playing catchup. Each time NJ hit a big shot to gain some distance, Toronto scratched, clawed and cock-punched their way back to even. They played balls-out, super-fucking gutsy. I nearly cried on several occasions as my Raps stood up to the highly touted trio of Vince, Kidd and Jefferson. Man, even the most useless Slovenian in the world, Rasho Nesterovic, played with some heart tonight. ATTA BE RASHO!!!!

My thoughts on some of the players in the series:

Jason Kidd - Dude, you are playing unbelievable, especially on defence. You are getting your hands on more balls than a broke-ass Marianne jonesing for some weed in a room full of wigger, smallfry, drugdealers. However...you're a cock. I'm glad Toni Braxton was fucking Jamal MonsterMash and Jimmy J when you were professing your love for her back in Dallas. Also, my man Charlie Shame may be right, sometime in this series you may in fact unhinge your jaw and attempt to swallow TJ Ford whole. Shit, you may even get your jaw/mouth around his head. Damn, you may even get your mouth around his shoulders. Heck you may even get your mouth around his chest. But motherfucker, you'll never get your unhinged jaw around TJ Ford's balls cuz they are just too fucking big. Think about that next time you try and man-up and bitch slap your wife, asshole.



TJ Ford - Sure this pic may look a little aloof and gay but trust me... TJ loves winning and vagina so much he'll change directions on you so fast, break both your ankles and then fuck every female member of your family, including your pets.

Friday, April 20, 2007

last saturday

Alright. So last Saturday was not only the day me and newchinesegirl were supposed to hook up but it was also the day of my friend Demeat's bachelor party. Demeat is this crazy motherfuckin greek mixed martial arts ninja / virgin. He's a nice enough guy but every time I see him I get the feeling he's always on the verge of slapping some sort of testicular submission hold on me faster than I can tap out or apologise for rim-jobbing his younger sister last year.

Anyway, I call newchinesegirl and we make plans to hook up around 11:30. I tell her about the bachelor party. She tells me she's going out for dinner then to a bar with some friends. All is cool.

Around 8:30 me, Ho, Sterg, and Mally head out for the bachelor party. The bachelor party was held is some shithole tavern. As soon as we walked into the joint the first thing I notice is the hostess - fuckin beautiful, a little older than I expected but still very nice. The second thing I notice is everyone else except for my crew seems to be at least 100 years old. Kinda weird.

Me and the boys make our way to the bar. We all order 2bles, except for Mally. He wants a quadruple. The bartender, who is at least 1000 years old, takes forever to make our drinks and fucks up all our orders. He tells Mally he cant serve him a quadruple so he gives him 2 doubles instead.

As the evening progresses Mally finds himself at the Texas Hold'em table and orders the bartender to keep the 2 doubles coming every 20 minutes. Sterg, with Ho as his wing man, corners the super hot hostess and goes to work. I find the buffet line, sit down in front of the big screen and watch Sports Centre.

About an hour later the stripper arrives. And to tell you the truth I dont think she was even a stripper. I think she was just some 40 year old junkie they found on the street corner who was willing to take off her clothes for $20. I was pretty sure for an extra 5 she'd be willing to add blowjob to her list of services.

Anyway, the "stripper" takes off her clothes and I notice her ass is blister red, like some sort of bizarre tanning both experiment gone horribly wrong. As she's dancing for Demeat, one of the geezers grabs her and pulls her over. The stripper straddles the geezer and he starts sucking her tits. When he pulls his mouth off her tits I can see the trail of geriatric spit hanging from her breast, leading to his mouth. Pretty freakin' gross. Whats even more gross is the fact that Demeat started sucking the same spit-soaked titty when she straddled him immediately afterward.

11:30 rolls around and I call newchinesegirl. She asks me to meet her in a bar by her house where her and her friends still are. I ask if I can bring Sterg, Mally and Ho. She says "yes". We hop in Sterg's Escalade and make our way.

Next: Part 3 - I hate wiggers who like soka

busting gun shots for the chinese bbq joint by my work

Alright. I wanna tell you about my evening with NewChineseGirl cuz it was a great fucking night and a really fun time, but before I do I gotta give props to this new Chinese bbq lunch joint I found close to my work.

This place is not one of those fake Chinese restaurants like Ho Lee Chow or Manchu Wok. This place is hardcore, nigger!! Authentic!! They got pig faces hanging on hooks in their front window slathered in bbq sauce. None of their employees speak English. The first time I went there I ordered bbq chicken and rice. The Chinese guy behind the counter packed up my order in their finest, environmentally friendly, styrofoam container and sent me on my way. I got back to work and opened the styrofaom container. What did I get? Some sort of bamboo-like jungle vegetable mixed with shrimp and some other seafood I can only guess to be dolphin ass.

Oh, and the guy that actually cuts up the cooked meat, that motherfucker isn't even wearing any plastic gloves or anything. He's just grabbing a fistfull of bbq pork, cuts it up. Runs his hands through his hair. Grabs a handful of bbq chicken breasts, cuts it up. Blows his nose. Grabs a handful of duck balls, scratches his ass... He just doesn't give a fuck.

I'm positive one of these days you're gonna hear about some weird birdflu-like case in Toronto... and that shmuck will be me. But until then... hook me up with some bbq chicken, motherfucker, that shit is tasty!!!

Hootch

ps. oh, I almost forgot. If you ever go to this plaza with the chinese bbq joint, leave your car at home cuz the parkinglot is like a fucking bumper-car ride at an amusement park for the fucking blind.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Lord only knows what she's saying about me

I'm going out tonight with the new Chinese girl from my work. I'm a little nervous because its difficult to tell exactly how good looking she is. I mean, I think she's alright but its difficult to be 100% certain because most of the other women at my work are war-pigs. So its difficult to say if I'm truly attracted to the new Chinese girl or if I only like her because next to the 94 year old Sri Lankan in my department she looks pretty good. Either way I suppose, as long as she ends up naked by the end of the night...

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

the first annual "who would I rather be tag-teamed by" tournament

The first annual"Who Would I Rather be Tag-Teamed by" tournament.

20 teams comprised of two individuals each will face off in a round-robin formatted tournament. The winning team will advance to the 2nd round, the losing team will not.

Round 1; Match 1

Who would I rather be tag-teamed by:


and


vs

and



At the expense of my internal organs being impaled by huge African penis, I hafta go with the Hoya Destroya (the sweatiest motherfucker in the world) Patrick Ewing and his partner Dikembe Motumbo, the man with the craziest coke nostrils I've ever seen.

I couldn't think of a worse lay than Nicole Ritchie and Paris Hilton. Paris' sex tape was a joke. I got harder watching Wolf Blitzer on CNN than by watching Paris fumble in the dark trying to figure out what to do with that fag's penis.

Another reason why I picked Dikembe and Patrick was because if I ever survived that crazy African gangbang, we could play a nice little game of pick-up ball afterward.