Thursday, December 20, 2007

investment strategy, set to self destruct

For the past 3 quarters I've bought shares in Research in Motion a day or two before they announce their earnings. The previous 3 times this has proved a very profitable strategy as RIM has met or exceeded expectations and increased guidance going forward.

Yesterday I did the same. I basically emptied out the investment account and poured everything into Research in Motion at $101.50 on the Toronto Stock Exchange. Before I made the purchase though I got the feeling that maybe I was making a mistake. Maybe the pattern that I have been taking advantage of the previous 3 quarters is gonna reverse and fuck me over.

Research in Motion announce their numbers after the bell today, so if they miss, in my opinion, the stock will open at least $5-$10 below today's close depending on forward looking guidance. I dont necessarily think they will miss expectations for this quarter but I think the possibility of a sell-off is real even if they hit their numbers but dont provide a large ramp up in expectations going forward.

However, the upside potential, I'm thinking, is 10%-20% within a few days if RIM hits or beats their numbers and increases guidance, so.... I'm all in.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

My friends, the relationship experts.

Sterg: Whats this rumour I'm hearing about you taking hotblackchick to the basketball game.

Hootch: Yeah, I was gonna tell you about it but I never had the chance.

Sterg: Dude! I was supposed to go to that game with you!

Hootch: Yeah, but come on, its hotblackchick!! Besides, its only Sac town we're playing. Its gonna be a shit game.

Sterg: Thats not the point! The point is...

Babyface: (joining the conversation and interrupting Sterg) Hey, Hotblackchick just told me you two are having dinner tonight.

Sterg: You're having dinner, tonight, with her?

Hootch: Yeah. Who told you?

Babyface: I just said, she did, motherfucker. She came up to the cash in pharmacy to buy some shit and she mentioned the dinner.

Hootch: Ah.

Babyface: And guess what, dude? I have big developments for you.

Hootch: What? Did she say something?

Babyface: Its not what she said. Its what she bought.

Sterg: If she bought condoms for Hootch I'm gonna kill myself.

Babyface: She didn't buy condoms but she bought something just as indicative.

Hootch: Well, what, man, what did she buy?

Babyface: Vasoline.

Hootch: What?

Babyface: Vasoline, dude. She bought vasoline!! Thats just as telling as if she bought condoms.

Hootch: I cant believe I got excited there for a second. You're an idiot.

Babyface: Dude, she's sending a signal. She bought the vasoline at the pharmacy cash on purpose cuz she knew I would see the lubricant and tell you. She wants you, guy. She wants you!

Sterg: Shit, babyface is right. Hootch, you need to send a signal back.

Hootch: What!? No! You guys are morons. She just bought vasoline ok, lets not read anything into it that isn't there. Its nothing. And you're idiots.

Babyface: You know what you need to do? Buy a pack of condoms and take them to the cosmetics cash and let hotblackchick see and ring you up.

Sterg: And dont buy those fucking ultrathick condoms you like. Buy something from the Trojan For Her Pleasure line, so she thinks you're sensitive. I think that'll score big points before you ask her to suck your balls.

Hootch: Ok, that is not gonna happen.

Babyface: Fuck, dude, do we have to do everything for you?

Sterg: (Yelling probably loud enough for hotblackchick to hear at the cosmetics counter) NO, SORRY, HOOTCH. WE DONT HAVE ANY CONDOMS LARGER THAN THE MAGNUM DOUBLE EXTRA LARGE.

Babyface: You forgot to say "for her pleasure".

Sterg: Shit, you're right.

Babyface: Dont worry. I got a good one. (yelling) GOOD NEWS, HOOTCH. THE PHARMACY JUST RECEIVED YOUR STD TEST RESULTS. LOOKS LIKE YOUR PENIS IS DISEASE FREE, JUST IN CASE YOUR NEXT PARTNER WANTS TO BARE-BACK IT.

And with that I walked away wondering if hotblackchick heard any of our nonsense.

Friday, December 14, 2007

There's poon up in thar' hills

I think I struck poon yesterday.

I was in the lunch room at work yesterday with PistolPete's sister, talking basketball. Superhotblackchick was there also fixing her makeup. WolverineHair comes in and says:

WolverineHair: Hey, (PistolPete's sister - haven't figured out what to call her yet). Some guy just called and wanted to thank you for providing excellent customer service.

PistolPete's sister: OMIGAWD!! Thats so nice. Do you know who it was?

WolverineHair: He didn't leave his name.

Superhotblackchick: He probably thought you were hot.

PistolPete's sister: I think it was an older guy.

Superhotblackchick: I have an older guy who comes in almost every monday to give me gifts and things.

Pistol Pete's sister: Is he good looking?

Superhotblackchick: Ahhhhhh, no!!

PistolPete's sister: Oh well. I better get back to the front. My break is almost over. See you guys later (leaves with WolverineHair).

Hootch: So, how much older is this guy who comes in for you, like 24, 34, 44... 104??

Superhotblackchick: 24?! Oh, Lord, no. I'm 26.

Hootch: 26!?! Holy smokes you look like a baby. So how old is this guy?

Superhotblackchick: I think he is in his late 40's. I dont date that much, but when I do I only date older guys, but I think thats a little too old for me.

Superhotblackchick: Would you date an older woman?

Hootch: I know its kinda vain and I'm almost embarrassed to say but I dont think I would.

Superhotblackchick: Hah, so you would only date younger women and I only date older men. What a pair we make.

Hootch: (lifting my head and looking at superhotblackchick to confirm the signal I think she's giving) Hey, you know, I won a pair of basketball tickets at the staff Christmas party, I dont have anyone to go with yet, do you wanna come?

Superhotblackchick: Yeah!! That would be fun.

Hootch: Wicked.

Superhotblackchick: I think me and you are gonna get along great together cuz you look like you're really mature. I like that alot.

Hootch: (comtemplating saying - I think me and you are gonna get along together cuz you got the best ass-tit combo I've ever seen) For sure. I've always been pretty mature. (if we flashback about 30 minutes previous you'd be able to find me attacking wolverinehair and ass humped him while singing George Michaels' "I Want Your Sex"

C-C-C-C-C-C-C-Come on!!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

My attmepts to pick up the bartender at the staff xmas party

Making my way over to the buffet table, I notice the quesidilla wraps are right beside a type of food I'm not familiar with. I try and figure out what the mystery dish is but all I can conclude, in my inebriated state, is that its small, round and must go together with the quesidilla wrap.

I put two of the round mystery items in my quesidilla wrap. The bartender comes over also looking to get something to eat.

Bartender: Are you putting pierogies in your quesidilla?!?

Hootch: Listen, yo. I dont even know what a pierogi is, but this shit right here, this combination... is fucking delicious.

Bartender: A pierogi is what you're putting in your quesidilla.

Hootch: Oh... well then yeah. I guess I am. I guess I am putting pierogies in my quesidilla. Why... you're not supposed to?

Bartender: No, you're not.

Hootch: Well you should cuz this shit is fucking good. You know what would make it even better?

Waitress: I'm afraid to ask.

Hootch: Well, you dont have to ask, Joanie, I'll tell you.

Waitress: Did you just call me "Joanie"?

Hootch: A little honey-mustard and like... PLOW, this might be the greatest dish ever created, you know? Rachel Ray, my balls, bitch.

Waitress: (trying some pierogies in her quesidilla wrap) Hmmmm, you know. This is good.

Hootch: I told you.

Waitress: I would have never guessed it. that honey-mustard suggestion is gross though.

Hootch: Oh well, whatever. You know, I feel a little guilty, cuz I haven't even given you any fair warning or anything.

Waitress: Warning over what?

Hootch: I haven't given you any fair warning over the fact that I'm wearing Axe deoderant and Tag body spray.

Waitress: What?

Hootch: I'm wearing Axe deoderant and Tag body spray, so if you and your friend feel the overwhelming urge to group sex me, dont hold back on my account. Its alright. I'm cool with it.

Waitress: No thanks. I'd rather link up with the pierogi and the honey-mustard.

Hootch: .....

Waitress: ...

Hootch: Lesbian.

Monday, December 10, 2007

My Auxilary Underwear


These are my auxilliary/emergency pair of underwear. They're all stretched out, the crotch is destroyed and eaten away.

I know.

Pretty rad, right?

My emergency underwear kind of remind me of chaps, except the ass is covered and my balls hang out. Actually, I'm thinking of patenting and marketing this design. Nutsack chaps. Even has a nice ring to it.

Nutsack chaps - Give your balls the freedom they deserve

or

Nutsack chaps - Your nuts will thanks you for them later


Thursday, December 06, 2007

my, yet to be named, comics

I posted the links to a few comics I did a while back. The links can be found just to right of this post. I haven't done any new comics in quite a while but I remember they were fun to make. Hopefully I'll get around to scratching out a few more sometime.

If you are inclined to, please feel free to offer criticism and suggestions for improvement.

thanks.


Hootch

Monday, December 03, 2007

I gots myself one of them Blackberry Pearls

I just bought a Blackberry Pearl today. Ordinarily, I'm not really much into tech gadgets, but yo, the Pearl is fucking tight. This is my Blackberry Pearl:



This is me making sweet tender finger love to my Blackberry Pearl:


I know the quality of the pic is not the greatest but here's what it would look like from the Pearl's perspective:



In this picture notice the thumb over the stink finger for added support and stability. Nice. In the previous pictures notice the, not so subtly placed, books designed to give the impression that I is smart. Genius.



Thursday, November 29, 2007

Ladies, commence masturbation



Alright. So this is me with the King of all Pimps, Skinny McSlouchy, and his main squeeze, Saggy McHooknose.

I just wanted to give you a visual of the studliness I was dropping at the strip joint. I had chicks all over me. And it wasn't the fact that I spent over $1000 at the joint. It wasn't. The girls really liked me. They really did. I'm sure the same girls would have shown me the same affection even if my pockets were empty and I was ordering tap water all night. They were good girls. Especially the shooter girl who straddled me in a corner of our VIP area and pressed her tits in my face.

Anyway, I'm kinda bummed tonight. I'm watching season five of 24 and motherfucking Edgar dies! I love fucking Edgar. Why did the writers need to kill him off? Damn. Lynn also dies but who gives a fuck. I think Lynn is played by Sean Astin. He's the guy who played the gay hobit in Lord of the Rings.

I'm pretty sure I'd throw it to Chloe from 24. Apart from the fact she has a vagina and a mouth, physically she's not my type at all. However, I find her radical lack of social skills appealing. I imagine we'd be doing it sidewinder style and all of a sudden she would bark at me "you call this fucking!?!?"

What I dont get about Chole is why she has that expression on her face like she's always smelling something horrible. Is that her natural expression, or is she acting? Its like someone dirty sanchezed her. Maybe thats a plot development that will unfold later on in the story arc. I bet it was Edgar. I bet Edgar dirty sanchezed Chloe. Yeah. I bet Edgar dirty sanchezed Chloe and once CTU finds out, they'll try and bring Edgar back to life by cloning him using the microscopic shit stains and cells from his lower instestine that he left underneath Chloe's nose. Bingo. I bet thats it, motherfuckers.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Tommy's Party

Oh, man. That was way too much fun, yo! Tommy's party started off at Sterg's house. Me, Mally and Pistol Pete got there first and set everything up, busting out the GreyGoose and the Cheetos. I was fucking starving.

Mally: Should we order a pizza?

Hootch: Do it, man. I am fucking starving. I think the lining of my stomach is beginning to digest itself.

Pistol: Maybe we should have picked up something on the way. The food is gonna take a while to get here.

Hootch: Its alright. I had a Snickers, before.

Mally: Oh, was it one of those new oversized Snickers you were telling me about?

Hootch: Yeah, the fucking thing is huge. When I was eating it, it felt like I was holding John Holmes' dick. It was practically like a homosexual experience.

Pistol: How come? Did you eat it, or stick it up your ass?

Once we were all gathered, stuffed our faces and were rocking a nice buzz, we decided to hit the road and make our way to the peelers. The taxis arrived all at the same time and we all got in. Pistol called in ahead and set us up with bottle service and a reserved section of the joint. It was tight. Our waitress told us we were the first party to be allowed in that section of the club since they've renovated. It was nice. Lots of space. Lots of couches and chairs and a great vantage point where we could see all the girls in the club.

Almost as soon as we arrived the 3 bottles, we ordered in advance, came. We all toasted Tommy and told him if his nose was not 2 inches away from snatch, all night, we were not doing our job. With that said, I grabbed 2 girls, gave Tommy 2 bills and told him to take them in the back. I grabbed one of the girls before she left with the other and Tommy. "Hey, its my friend's birthday today so if you three all get along you'll probably be back there with him until close".

5 songs later Tommy comes back.

Hootch: How were they, Tommy?

Tommy: They fucking sucked.

Sterg: Why, what happened?

Tommy: All they did was sit on my lap and talk to each other. They didn't even dance or nothing!

Sterg: What were they talking about?

Tommy: I dunno, some party they are going to afterwards, or something. While they were talking I tried to grab one's ass and she slapped my face and called security!

Hootch: What happened?

Tommy: Security told me next time that happens they'll kick me out.

Sterg: What did you do next?

Tommy: I told the girls to start dancing but they said "your 5 songs are over" and got dressed and left.

Oh, man. I thought that was hilarious. I couldn't stop laughing. Poor bastard.

Fuck, I have a ton more from Tommy's party I'll get to within the next few days, if you're interested. Right now I gotta catch up on some sleep.


Friday, November 23, 2007

a play to spark things up again with newcootch

In an effort to remedy my medical condition scientifically know as "blue balls". I invited NewCootch over to my house yesterday after work. I told her we can watch some DVDs and hang out. She agreed and met me at my house around 11 last night.

Again, the plan was to watch a few episodes of Family Guy and hopefully, by the end of the night, we'd be banging it doggie-style to Season 5 of The Gilmore Girls. Here is what happened:


Hootch: You alright?

NewCootch: Yeah.

Hootch: You comfortable and everything?

NC: Yeah, thanks.

Hootch: So, ahhhh... whatchu saying?

NC: Oh. My. Gawd.

Hootch: What?

NC: You want to have sex.

Hoootch: What?!?

NC: You want to have sex. HAHAHA, I knew it!! Thats why you invited me over here tonight. Cuz you thought, what? That'd I'd come over, watch a dvd, have something to eat and then, what? I'd just suck you off or something?

Hootch: (well, I was kinda hoping...) I... I.. I am insulted. I thought "we haven't seen each other in a while so it would be nice to just catch up. Thats all.

NC: Yeah, right.

Hootch: Whatever, like you dont want to anyway.

NC: Ahhh, excuse me. I have a boyfriend.

Hootch: Whatever, if you knew I wanted to have sex, but you didn't, why did you come over here then?

NC: I was hoping I was wrong. And I was hoping you had matured a little.

Hootch: Oh, come on. Dont give me that bullshit again... is it that same guy you are seeing?

NC: Who?

Hootch: The weirdo.

NC: Geoffrey is not weird. He is sensitive and romantic.

Hootch: What, and I'm not?!!?

NC: No, Hootch, you are not. In your blog you referred to me as "NewCootch", that doesn't qualify you as sensitive or romantic. On the other hand, do you know what Geoffrey gave me the other day?

Hootch: The clap?

NC: It was raining one night and he went outside and collected a bottle of rainwater and labeled it "November 15, 2007 - an evening with NewCootch". Isn't that romantic?

Hootch: That is the gayest fucking thing I have ever heard.

NC: Figures you would think so.

Hootch: I hope you haven't slept with him yet.

NC: We've only been seeing each other a little while now, so of course I haven't slept with him.

Hootch: Good.

NC: I've only blown him.

Hootch: I just cant win lately. I'm going to the bathroom to jack myself a soda.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

preparations for tommy's party

Hootch: What are we doing for your brother's birthday? Taking him to a joint?

Sterg:
Yeah, I think he'll like that. I think he also expects a stripper to come to the house for a private show, as well.

Hootch: Thats alot to expect, no?

Sterg: Yeah, but cuz we did it for my party I think Tommy expects it for his also.

Hootch: I know but you paid for half the shit at your party... your brother is broke ass.

Sterg: Ahhh, its the kid's party. I dont want to disappoint him. He's all fucked up about breaking up with his girlfriend.

Hootch: Still?!

Sterg: Still.

Hootch: Fuck, well... alright. Lets do it. If you spring for the bottle service at the club, I'll pay for the stripper to come to the house before the club.

Sterg: Nice.

Hootch: What should the stripper look like? What kind of chicks does your brother like?

Sterg: My brother likes big tits.

Hootch: Ok, "big tits", got it. What else?

Sterg: Ahhhhh....... I think thats basically it.

Hootch: Thats it?! What do you mean thats it? What about the face?

Sterg: I dont think my brother cares about the face.

Hootch: Thats unbelievable! So your brother doesn't actually care what she looks like as long as she has big tits? Is that right? You're telling me to disregard the face.

Sterg: Disregard the face.

Hootch: So what would you say if I got a chick that looks exactly like my ass but with nice tits.

Sterg: I'd say you did a good job.

Hootch: This is unbelievable. You're blowing my ming here. The face is the most important part!

Sterg: Okay, okay, if you are gonna make such a big deal about it, see if you can find someone who looks like that Gina-looking chick from Deal or No Deal, with the overdone curly hair and the fat lips. You know who I'm talking about?

Hootch: Yeah. Got it. She has to look like she's Italian and retarded with big tits.

Sterg: Exactly.

Hootch: Book it. Lets go track her down.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

recollections on a friday

I did some DVD shopping a few days ago. Pretty excited about the purchases. Picked up Family Guy season 5, an Indiana Jones box set, The Best of Stephen Colbert and Season 5 of 24 (conventionally regarded as the weakest season of the series, I know, but I'll give it a shot as I've enjoyed the previous story arcs).

I called over NewChineseGirl, from my old job, to come over and watch some of the DVD's that night. Needless to say, I, of course, was secretly hoping an evening of quality dvd watching would magically morph into a night of chest-pounding jungle gorilla sex. Unfortunately though all we did was watch Dancing with the Stars.

Still, Dancing with the Stars wasn't as bad as I imagined. I thought the chick dancing with the race car driver guy was super hot.

I'm pretty sure the shirt underneath says "Hootch's balls taste like NutraSweet"

She looks quite a bit like Marianne, minus the addiction to weed and wigger dick.


Monday, November 12, 2007

two fags on the stairmaster

At the gym, on the stairmaster, watching tv.

Hootch:
Unheralded good looking chick.

Sterg: You know who I think is a pretty good looking black chick?

Hootch: Who?

Sterg: T-Boz, from TLC

Hootch: T-Boz?!?? You know, she's really let herself go the past few years.

Sterg: Yeah, but back in the day? She was pretty nice. She was, like, the hottest black chick around. There was no Rhianna. There was no Ciara. You know if you wanted to, you could easily argue that T-Boz was a seminal figure in the in the pop culture landscape as being being one of the first high profile black chicks you could crank it to. Who else was there in the 90's? No one. Just Aretha Franklin and Oprah.

Hootch: Alright. Alright. Settle down. I'm pretty sure thats not true but whatever.

Sterg: Your turn now, motherfucker. Lets see who you got.

Hootch: You know who I thinking is pretty good looking from Smallville?

Sterg: If you tell me Chloe, I'm gonna have to choke you.

Hootch: No, not Chloe. Lois.

Sterg: Lois Lane? Ha!!

Hootch: What, you don't think she's good looking?

Sterg: Of course I think she's good looking. You cant pick the hottest actress with the biggest implants on a tv show then say she's an unheralded good looking chick. Everyone loves Lois.

Hootch: Not everyone. She looks a little old around the face.

Sterg: Trust me, dude, when she's popping those double Ds no one is looking at her face.

Hootch: Oh, look. TV number 1 is playing Rhianna's new video.

Sterg: Fuck, I love this song.

Hootch: Me too. Its awesome.

Sterg: (singning) I wanna take you away / I just cant refuse it / Please dont stop the / Please dont stop the / Please dont stop the music...

Hootch: (singing) Ma say ma sa, Ma ma coo sa / Ma say ma sa, Ma ma coo sa / Ma say ma sa, Ma ma coo sa / Ma say ma sa, Ma ma coo sa

Friday, November 09, 2007

I fucking hate working on weekends... even if they are the only 10 hours I work in the week

Alright. So, today started out pretty good. I woke up, got on the computer and fired one off to a new MPEG of Sylvia Saint blowing some lucky bastard. Wicked.

After I finished spraying the ceiling I noticed the appearance of the man who received the blow job. He easily looked like the ugliest degenerate on the face of God's green earth. That's when I decided I should become a porn star. I mean, if the money and the drugs were all the same, I'm sure every porn director and actress would prefer to have me in their movie rather than that animal. I'd be a pretty awesome porno star too, I think. I'd bring adult entertainment more in the mainstream by using my new found fame to tackle social and political injustices.


(At the Adult Movie Awards; Over the Public Address system)

PA Announcer: And now to present the award for Best Male Performance in a Menage, here is the star of "Platapussy" and "69 Things to do in Denver When you're Dead", put your hands together for Hootch.

(Audience cheers; Camera cuts to Sylvia Saint smiling, enjoying the evenings festivities)

Hootch: Good evening everyone. Tonight I'm here to announce the best male performance in a menage. The nominees are $2 Dollar Productions, in "V for Vagina", Charlie Shame for "30 Days of Poon", Ligtning Bug's Butt for "Things We Lost in Her Poon and last but not least, J7 for "Dan in Real Life - the director's cut"

(Audience applauds)

Hootch: But before we hand out the award for Best Lead Male in a Menage, I'd like to get serious for a second and talk to you about Darfur....

Yeah, I'm pretty sure thats how I would roll as a porn star.

Can I sweet talk'em, or what?

On my way to the change-room, at work yesterday, I passed by superhotchinese girl walking with a friend. Their shift was just ending and mine was beginning. Superhotchinesegirl was wearing black tights and a red and black thick utilitarian-looking flannel shirt. It was indeed a bizarre combination for a hot looking chick to be wearing. For a second there I was reminded of an old girlfriend named Dida. Dida's fashion sense was anything but conventional. She looked like she dropped acid everyday before she decided to dress herself.

Anyway, back to superhotchinese girl. I caught this part of superhotchinesegirl and her friend's conversation as they were approaching me:

Friend: I like your shirt. It looks flannel.

SHCG: Yeah, it is. Its so comfortable. I bought it at (some store I've never heard of). It was so expensive. I read somewhere that flannel is coming back.

I decided to astound all with my wit. I thought about busting out into dance and singing "she's bringing flannel back...", but decided to go with the below:

Hootch: Oh, superhotchinesegirl, I was wondering if you could help me?

SHCG: What's up?

Hootch: I have this massive tree in my backyard and I was wondering if you could come over, maybe, and help me chop it down.

SHCG & Friend: (blank expression on both their faces)

Hootch: Because... because... you are wearing a checkered flannel shirt, you see....

SHCG & Friend: (blank expression on both their faces)

Hootch: ... and you maybe look like a lumberjack.

SHCG: What?! YOU THINK I LOOK LIKE A LUMBERJACK?!

Hootch: Yes... no... on second thought... its just the flannel shirt. They are not normally worn by someone so attractive as yourself. They are normally worn by the likes of someone closer to your friend's appearance. Anyway, lumberjacks dont wear black tights so I clearly dont know what I'm talking about.

SHCG & Friend: (Silence)

Hootch: And even if you did look like a lumberjack, you'd clearly be the most attractive lumberjack I've ever seen... which i guess wouldn't be hard considering all the lumberjacks I've seen, so far, have crazy facial hair and are 300 pounds overweight.

SHCC: Is that supposed to make it better?!?!

Hootch: (silent, thinking of my next move)

SHCG & Friend: (silent, waiting for an answer)

Hootch: "she's bringing flannel back / them other boys dont know how to act..."

SHCG: Just get out of my way.


In retrospect, I should have lead off with the Justin's "SexyBack". Oh well, I'll get'em next time.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

it must have been love...but its over now

The Cameron Diaz chick with the fat ass is even more pretty than I remember. At work, the other day, as I turned the corner and headed for the Cosmetics booth, I nearly ran into her. I stood there, face to face with possibly the most beautiful girl I've even seen in my life and was unable to say anything. "SAY SOMETHING, YOU DOLT!!" my mind yelled in command but my eyes and heart could not comply. I just stood there staring. It could have been for a few seconds or half an hour, it was hard to tell. The Cameron Diaz chick with the fat ass was so beautiful the laws of time and space did not apply where we stood.

Finally she broke the silence. In the nano-second it took for her words to reach my ears I contemplated the possibility that she was gonna ask me on a date, or to the movies, or to sit on my face. But instead she sneered and said "why dont you take a picture, it lasts longer".

Wow.

What a cunt.

"I would but I don't have a panoramic, wide lens to fit your ass in the shot".

And with that, I'm pretty sure I blew any chance of hooking up with Cameron Diaz with the fat ass.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

'tis the season for a good market ass-rape

Made good money yesterday. Today was an absolute, fucking misery. I need a fucking break. Too much second-guessing is driving me crazy. Plus dealing with all the fucking morons on a number of different stock forums isn't helping either.

Went to the book store last night. Picked up a couple of books by Bukowski - Ham on Rye and Factotum. Looking forward to reading them.

Today I go into work. Put in the big 5 hour shift then stay after hours to help set up the Christmas decorations. Apart from me, Sterg said he only asked the best looking chicks in the store to stay and help out. Nice. Hopefully I can negotiate some type of menage, on top of a mountain of Doritos, between me the black chick and the chinese girl. So, just in case you are in Toronto and wondering what that stain is on the bag of your Doritos - Extra Zesty bag of chips, you'll know. Its my shit stain.

If I cant work the black chick and the chinese girl menage, I'll target the cosmetician that looks like a young Cameron Diaz with a fatter ass. If she's a no-go, I'll attempt the pretty greek girl for a quickie over the magazine stand. If she refuses I'll ask the black manager who is borderline ugly. If she says no I'll have no other option but to just rape the gay guy (just kidding... he probably wants me).

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

shit on my mind on this wednesday afternoon

I'm debating whether or not to ask Tera and her implants to come with me to Tommy's birthday party. Tera is a great time, for sure, but she's as crazy as fuck. On the plus side, Tera is a guaranteed lay, for me. Minimal effort but forth and as long I pretend to treat her with respect and dignity she'll be doing a face plant in my crotch by the end of the night. On the negative side, like I said, Tera is crazy. Whenever we had sex I'd always have to adopt a half-defensive position for fear of her going ape-shit and deciding to attack me for the sins of the men that have wronged her in the past.

The last 2 days flipping stocks have been shit. Lost $200 each day. Today has been going alright but that can change pretty quick. I got back in NOT with 2000 shares at 5.34. Now its trading at 5.45. Not bad but the last few days it dropped more than a buck so I gotta keep a close eye on it to make sure I at least walk away with some profit.

I also bought 10000 shares of ONT at 59 cents. Because I am unfamiliar with the stock and its trading pattern, I sold at 61 cents to lock in some grocery money for the next few weeks. Then realizing I may have sold too early I bought back another 10000 shares at 67 cents. ONT is now at 73 cents so unless I fuck up today should be alright. Fingers crossed I dont fuck up.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AWW FUCK!! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck ,fuck... FUCK!

I booked ONT for a 6 bill gain. Pretty cool. And NOT was trading like it was on viagra - long, hard and always up. Then at 5.93 it was halted for pending news. Some people love when their stock gets halted. I fucking hate it especially when its running hard. Why do you want to halt the stock for fucking news, dude? Just let it run. Now, if the news, which has yet to be released, turns out to be shit the fucking stock will open lower tomorrow, possibly way lower, wiping out the $1200 I made on it and maybe more. Fuck.

Conversely if the news is super great beyond everyone's expectation the stock may jump tomorrow. If that's the case, party at my house. I'll supply the booze, skanks and weed.

Monday, October 29, 2007

the bareback

Alright, so SW finished at 22.94, up $1.94 from the 21 I picked it up on Friday. Nice. Sadly though my NOT which I've been riding for 6 straight winning sessions finally broke down and dropped, today, faster than Marianne to her knees begging for another $20 if she'll let you suck her tits. Hopefully I can find something else to ride for a few days.

I just found out that a friend of mine is barebacking it with the new stripper he's seeing. WOW! I get super paranoid with some of the thin style of condoms now, let alone the bareback jam. I cant roll with the Ultra-Thin or the Maximum-Sensitivity condoms any longer. I can only get down with the absolute thickest fucking condom I can find. Preferably something with industrial sized thickness from East Germany or the old Soviet Union. I dont know why but I imagine these type of countries use to manufacture the type of thick condoms I'm looking for. I'll gladly substitute 100% of feeling for the certainty that not even a speeding bullet is penetrating through my condom, let alone my man-juice.

Off to the gym. Time to start getting my fat ass into shape

Friday, October 26, 2007

alright, so whats going on?

Not much I'm afraid to say. Right now I'm clocking NOT trading between 6.75 and 6.85. If things go right for me at the close I may end the week with a 17+%gain on that bitch. I fucked up a few other trades this week but hopefully I'll finish the week up around a G. The week before, I rocked 3+Gs. So, although things appear to be going well I'm still waiting for the day when I fuck up large and manage to lose every cent I have. Trust me, that day will come. I know I'm prone to self-destructive behaviour so I try and take measures to prevent me from utterly annihilating all aspects of my life, but sooner or later it'll catch up with me. It always does.

This weekend I got scheduled to work both Saturday and Sunday - full shifts!! Dude, like, what the fuck's up with that?! What happened to my normal Monday and Thursday 5 - 10 shift. I dont know if I can deal with stocking shelves for 8 hours straight. In retrospect, I shouldn't have quit my real job. I could have been pulling in my normal salary + I could have used anything I got from daytrading as blowjob money. Now as it stands, I start shitting myself everytime I have a down day. Anyway, sometimes I think me convincing myself to quit my real job is another example of my self-destructive behaviour surfacing. Well, even if that is the case, I guess I can always go look for another real job...

FUCK THAT!! And give up watching Different Strokes and Sanford and Son?! You must be crazy, bitch!! LAMONT AND HIS DAD FOREVER, NIGGAS!!

ps. I took a small position in SW at $21 after their financials smoked expectations.

pps. I really need some poon in my face.


Wednesday, October 24, 2007

who knew Sanford and Son was such an awesome fucking show?!

Wow. Its been a while, hasn't it? Not much has happened to me during the last three weeks. I've rediscovered my love for Sanford and Son on TBS but other than that its been pretty dull.

One of the Cosmeticians at work told me I look good in the store's shirt. That was kinda nice. Too bad I'm not the least bit attracted to her. Not even for a quick doggie. Man, If the black chick with the perfect ass told me something like that I would have immediately thrown her over the front checkout counter, on top of all the lottery tickets, and I'd have been tapping dat ass sidewinder style with A Groovy Kind of Love, by Phil Collins, playing over the store's PA system as the soundtrack to our beastly desires. Damn!! Why couldn't it have been the black chick?!

Trading this week has been going alright. I got in NOT again on Monday at 5.78. Today she's clicking along anywhere from between 6.30 and 6.50 so far. We'll see how long it holds up before I have to sell.

Oh, and I hired some Ukrainian to install a new front door for my house. I think it looks pretty nice. Maybe I'll post a pic if I can find my camera. I'm also gonna see if I can get him to do a bay window for me before the winter comes and fucks everything up.

The last week of November is Tommy's birthday. He's been kinda down ever since things with his (ex)girlfriend have become fucked. The dude has always been susceptible to moodiness but now all he does is bitch about his situation. Anyway, I think we're taking him out to the rippers for his birthday. I may drop a few bills and get Tommy cranked by the most degenerate chick I can find. That should be good for a laugh. Maybe I'll post pics of that too. Or maybe a video of Tommy's pecker as he's about to unload. You wont see the stripper's hand cuz she'll be jacking so fast her fist will be practically invisible to the naked eye. Wow, what a dumb way to end this post.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

stocks, tv and jacking it

I gotsta be the laziest motherfucker on the face of the planet. Now even day-trading has become too much of a chore for me. I find that trading stocks takes too much time away from my two real passions - tv and masturbation. Its nearly impossible to be a successful day-trader when always in the back of your mind, as you're watching the market in realtime, you are thinking:

"Shit. is it 2:00pm already? Different Strokes is on. I wonder if Dana Plato ever threw it to Mr. Drummond. Probably. I wonder if Dana Plato is related to Plato. I wouldn't doubt it. I cant believe Willis turned out to be such a bitch..."

So in an effort to make some money, to pay the mortgage and bills, I will be throwing some dollars at a few stocks and not even looking at them for one or two weeks (freeing up ample time for tv/dvd watching and jacking it). Of course I still have RIM as my core holding and will never consider selling a single share unless future prospects are revised downward.

Yesterday I picked up TIM at 14.90, BWR at 3.05 and today I bought ARU at 7.71 A few bills are due on the 15th so I will probably revisit the price of these stocks a few days before then. If I take much of an ass-pounding on any of these stocks I may have to consider taping into the line of credit, but I dont think that will be necessary.

Anyway, I'm off to watch Season one of Dexter. I hope it lives up to the hype

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Jimmy Smits vs Rik Smits

Did you know that Jimmy Smits' real-life brother is actually Rik Smits? Not too many people know about this little Hollywood fact. Jimmy Smits tries to keep it under wraps because he is a racist. The fucking Spic hates anything to do with Dutch culture. You name it, if its Dutch he hates it. If it was up to Jimmy Smits windmills, tulips, clogs and cheese would be no more.


If Jimmy Smits is not racist then how come there is not one Dutch person in this picture?


The bastard.

Windmills. Can you believe the heathen would do away with windmills? He is one godless, coldhearted son of a bitch.
Anyway, I challenge Jimmy Smits to contest my above claims. If you really have nothing against the Dutch then all you have to do is leave a comment on my blog saying something like "yo, I love windmills". Now, just in case any Jimmy Smits apologists try and leave a fake message to clear the name of their false idol, I will ask a question that only the real Jimmy Smits will know the answer to.

The question:


Jimmy Smits, when did you lose your virginity and what was the name of the guy that boned you in the ass to take it?


It dont get no mo' gansta than this mothafucka



Monday, October 01, 2007

Right now I'm watching Ella enchanted...

... and I'm thinking sure, I'd probably throw it to Anne Hathaway.

Yesterday, I spoke with the super hot chinese checkout girl about a whole bunch of different shit, including music. I introduced her to the cock-rock stylings of Phillipino rock god Danko Jones. His new stuff is pretty shit, I think, but his older songs are instant panty remover.



I didn't have any Danko Jones on my MP3 player at work but knowing my luck, the past few days, the super hot chinese checkout girl will go home, download and listen to a whole bunch of Danko Jones' early songs and then proceed to fuck the brains out of the first male she lays eyes on.


I, of course, will be nowhere in the vicinity and in all likelihood be stuffing my face with cheesy-puffs with one hand and cranking it to Anne Hathaway with the other.


I've had this weird thing for Anne Hathaway ever since I saw her topless jamming that gayboy in Brokeback Mountain. Perhaps she'd be interested in auditioning for Platypussy, the James Bond porno I'm developing.


OMG!! Dear reader, is anyone else capable of seeing Anne Hathaway's ta-ta's or have I just developed x-ray vision?

Other females I'd also be willing to work with are Rhiana, Hilary Duff, that retarded black chick from 106 and Park, and Mrs Garrett from The Facts of Life.

Friday, September 28, 2007

porno and stocks

- I think I'm gonna do a porno spoof of James Bond movies. My porno will be called "Platypussy" and I'll play the lead character, James Bone

- Related to the above point, I'm thinking of officially changing my name to Buck Jizzwad

- Why does it feel, whenever you make a bad trade, you'll never make a good one again?

Monday and Tuesday I got fucking rocked. I swung for the fences and got nothing but air. I even considered talking a few weeks off from trading to regroup and recharge. Looking at many series of numbers, in real-time, constantly change every second sends your brain spinning a million miles an hour. Even after 4pm its tough to settle down. My brain continually wants and looks to process information in nanosecond intervals.

Thankfully I bought into TIM again. I've mentioned this stock previously as being one of my favorites to flip. I discovered it a $4 maybe around 6 months ago and have traded it at least half a dozen times. Yesterday the stock closed at 15.50. In retrospect it would've been better if I just bought and held my position at $4ish. However, then it was impossible to predict such an ascent. Anyway I took a position again on Tuesday at 11.99 and have eaten away at most of my losses this week. I even considered selling my RIM to cover some of the losses but thankfully TIM has performed way better than I could have hoped. It goes without saying though, because I mentioned TIM it will undoubtedly plummet today.

I missed calling the BWR rally by one day. Last week I bought at 2.80 and sold half an hour later at 2.77. The next day marked the beginning of its rally. Its up almost 20% since then. That fucking hurts.

Anyway, on to the auditions for the lead female in Platypussy.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Friday:

I picked up another 13% on NOT today and sold mid morning. With the rest of my day to do fuck all with I popped in Season 6 of Smallville and jacked it to Lois Lane's ridiculously large implants. That was alright.



I thought about going to Sterg's store to check out the smoking hot Chinese chick or the new black cosmetician. The black cosmetician has an ass thats a perfect half circle. I swear I might be able to use her ass as a substitute for a protractor (when the occasion calls for a flawless 180 degrees).



Looking at the new cosmetician's ass may be the incentive I need to re-enroll back in high school to upgrade some of my math courses. I'm pretty sure this is how Pythagoras developed all his theories on geometric angles... by looking at hot black ass.

Sunday:

I discovered my online bookie also offers teasers. Today I took Detroit (teased their line +10.5), San Fran (teased their line to +16.5) and the Cowboys (teased their line to +9.5). The thing is with teasers all your bets need to come in for you to win. I put down 50 to get be back 90. I also have the under for another 50 on the "shortest touchdown scored over/under 1.5 yards" prop bet.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Pappa needs a new pair of shoes

Wednesday, just before 9:30

I got rocked on Monday for $400. An acceptable loss (I'm trying to convince myself) considering I killed it last week. However it was still a blow to the ego and a reminder that the market can be a fickle bitch.

Monday night I worked a shift at Sterg's pharmacy. It just a bullshit job moving shit from the warehouse to the front part of the store where all the household items and food/drinks are sold. I underestimated how completely shit the pay is. I originally asked Sterg to work a few shifts here and there in order to have a guaranteed stream of income if the trading didn't go as planned. He said "sure" and I made it clear that I wanted to be paid what everyone else got paid when they first started and treated how everyone else got treated. But like I said I completely miscalculated the number of bills I would be able to pay working for $10 an hour. However, on the plus side, the chicks who work at his store are super-fucking hot, yo.

Tuesday was alright for me. I cleared 240 although I was up nearly 1000 in the first 10 minutes. I'm not really upset that I didn't sell at the apex of the stock price as I'll always risk losing a little profit for the chance to see my stock rise higher.

Today I'm gonna see if I can hit one of my favorite gold stocks at the open. Yesterday BWR closed at 2.70 and pre-market today looks like it will open at least 10 cents higher. Even still, I think it'll have another 5 cents in it after the open and thats all I'll be looking for. If I can get that I'll be shutting off the computer for the day and hitting the shopping mall for some dvds.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Investing 101, mothafuckaaaas

Alright, the best thing for you to do if you wanna learn how to invest is do the exact opposite of what I say. I mean, if you wanted to learn how to keep a shit blog then I might be able to help you out but anything a mature adult should be able to do is all foreign to me.

Thankfully though, this week I've been luckier than a motherfucker and sometimes its better to be lucky than good. The NOT I bought on Monday at 1.37 closed yesterday at 3.96. Today the stock is halted pending news but I have already traded this bitch 4 times buying on dips and selling before the close. Today I took some of the profits from NOT and I bought BMR at 0.34. BMR is also a mining company and has some property beside NOT. BMR today is trading on crazy volume simply on account of NOT's impressive sample results. Its so funny because neither of these companies is anywhere close to producing whatever the fuck it is they mine for. However they've caught the imagination of the markets. BMR is now trading at 0.43 cents but losing steam it appears. I've set my stop/loss and 40 cents and will be happy as fuck to close out what was supposed to be a slow Friday with a 17+% gain in a few hours.

I'm positive sooner or later I'll hit some monumental losses but for now all is well, ma. I just done made me some serious titties-in-my-face money.

Please note, the above is in no way promotion for NOT or BMR. I really know shit about these companies.


Monday, September 10, 2007

the death of a pop star and the birth of a joke

Wow. Did anyone else see the train wreck that was Britney Spears at the MTV Music Awards last night? She reminded me of an over-the-hill busted cougar who is sticking around the bar till last call thinking her slow-as-fuck uncoordinated 1985 dance moves are driving the boys wild when all they're really doing is providing the material for a good bet.

boy1: Yo, you see that 40 year old ho with the tight-ass jeans and the camel toe?

boy2: Yeah, what about her?

boy1: I'll give you $100 if you fuck her.

boy2: Ok. But does it have to be with my dick?

boy1: I dunno. What else were you thinking of, like, your finger?

boy2: What about this beer bottle?

Anyway, yeah, Britney, yesterday was the death of her career.

TIM is up over another 13% today. Motherfuck!! I missed on this run cuz I fell asleep watching Star Trek. Might be too late to get into it now as it'll probably sell off the rest of the day. I'll try to monitor TIM for the rest of the day, but I highly doubt I'll be able to do so for more than 15 minutes without being able to resist the distraction/allure of online porno.


Just got a call from one of my friends at my old job. He called to let me know NOT is running. I just bought 2000 shares at 1.37. I'm probably too late for this party as well but I'll hold till my stop/loss at 1.27 is hit.

My online bookie has this proposition bet "shortest touchdown scored over/under 1.5 yards". Its like, the craziest fucking thing. I'm thinking over every fucking game. The only way you can lose is if someone scores a one yard TD. Yesterday I took that bet on three games and won them all (Buffalo/Denver, Detroit/Oakland and St. Louis/Carolina (I should mention prior to those 3 games I was something like 1 outta my last 5). I told my friends about this proposition bet and they all want in for both of tonight's games. I'm almost positive me mentioning my success with that prop bet will throw the voodoo on us tonight.

Better get going now. I have some online smut to surf through. Oh and by the way if anyone wants to IM me on Yahoo feel free to do so. I think my User ID is HootchandCootch.

NOT is 1.51 right now, muthafuckaaaaas. Pray I dont fuck it up.

Thanks.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Me and Mally at George Stakis' Wedding

Mally: Has your girl from the strip club in Niagara Falls called you yet?

Hootch: The Romanian? No we kind of had nothing in common. What about your two chicks?

Mally: They haven't called me either.

Hootch: Too bad. I tell you though, man, when I saw your two chicks eating each other out right in front of you, I just about wet my pants.

Mally: Of fuck, I've been cranking it hard to that memory for the past couple of weeks

Hootch: Its so weird how those chicks have become so desensitized to sex, though, eh. Its like, them sucking on each other's clit is like us shaking hands.

Mally: I know...ITS SOO AWESOME. Hold on a second, I just got a text (looking at his phone). Its the girls from Niagara!!

Hootch: Fuck off.

Mally: No, I'm not shitting you. Remember when I told you I stored their number under the name "Hootch's Aunt", so Linda wont bust my balls if she ever decides to go through my phone?

Hootch: Yeah

Mally: Well, look (shows me his phone)

Hootch: Holy shit, its them. What'd they say in the text?

Mally: (reading the text message) "Where are you guys". What should I reply?

Hootch: Say "knuckle deep"

Mally: Thats good. Knuckle deep (Mally repeating slowly as he enters in the text)

Hootch: (me looking over Mally's shoulder as he's entering the text). "Knuckle" begins with a "k", Einstein.

Mally: Ok, its sent.

(a few minutes later)

Mally: They just responded.

Hootch: What'd they say?

Mally: (reading) "Haha. Very funny - "knuckle deep". For real tho, where are you guys".

Hootch: Text back "cant you feel it?"

Mally: HAHA. Thats good.

Hootch: did you send it?

Mally: yeah. Look they already responded.

Hootch: What'd they say?

Mally: "You guys are assholes"


Friday, September 07, 2007

By staying home I thought I'd have more time to blog...

...but I've been too busy stroking it to hot black chicks on BET and watching the Friday Night Lights DVD. Friday Night Lights is alright. I haven't seen the entire first season just yet but so far so good. Plus there is this insanely good looking cheerleader who pretty much needs dick to survive so she bangs like crazy. Here is a picture. Guys, begin cranking.



Trading has been going alright also. VRS had a nice little run and I have since sold my position. I bought some TIM yesterday and am up around 13% so far. I should have sold, at least some of my position, at the close to lock in a profit. I got greedy though so I'm still holding. Unless the overall market sentiment is super negative before the open I'll be surprised if TIM doesn't open at least a little higher today. Of course I could be wrong...who knows, I probably am. Either way though I should be alright unless the stock goes down faster than your mom on a guy with a 20 in his pocket.

The only stock I'm holding longterm is RIM. I bought in a few weeks ago at $74. I'm up around 18% but I think there is still alot more room for growth. The stock may trade sideways from now until their quarterly results are announced, but like I said I think there is alot more upside especially once RIM gets into consumer products and starts dummying up those bitches at Apple.

Friday, August 31, 2007

I took the last two days off...

...to see if I can get a jump start on my daytrading "career". Wednesday was alright. I added to my core Research in Motion holdings and also took a position in Allen-Vanguard. RIM is performing well fueled by the rumour that Microsoft may want to take them out, and VRS went crazy on Wednesday trading, like, 6 times its normal volume. Both stocks have gone up the last 2 days but of course me mentioning them in my blog is as sure a kiss of death as there is. Anyway if VRS shows any weakness I'll probably sell today to lock in immediate profits even though I think the stock will perform very well over the next 6-12 months.

Yesterday, I was less productive. After a few hours of watching RIM and VRS move up and down I became a little bored. I ordered 30 chicken wings for lunch and watched my very first episode of the OC and Crossing Jordan while occasionally flipping to BET hoping to catch a video with hot black chicks I could crank it to. However, both the OC and Crossing Jordan proved compelling enough that my visits to Black Entertainment Television became less and less frequent.

Today is my last day at work.

Monday, August 27, 2007

after the sundown

After the sundown we decided to go back to the Casino and look for a bite to eat. It was me, Mally, Sterg, Ho, Heel and BabyFace. We managed to invite a few of the girls from the club to make things interesting. None of the girls in the club were really my type but the chicks Mally and Ho had invited were crazy dirty. I was so jealous.

When Mally and Ho took them to the back of the VIP section the girls started out their private dances by eating each other out in a variety of positions. I was with this 6ft Romanian chick but couldn't help but notice Mally's chick grinding Mally's balls while eating out Ho's chick from behind. It was fucking nuts. You could tell Mally and Ho where trying to play the nice guy card. I was walking by to get me and the Romanian a drink when I hear Ho's chick say:

Ho's chick: Do you want to finger me?

Ho: Ahhhh shucks, I like you too much and... and I'm kind of shy.

Ho's chick: Thats so sweet. Its alright. I want you to.

A nano second later Ho was wrist deep. His hand was moving so fast I could hardly see it move.

From my booth all I could hear for the rest of the night was "Ooooohhh, Mr. Ho and Mr. Mally, thats feels soooo gooood".

Sterg, continuing his tradition of falling in love with the ugliest blonde chick in the joint, walks up to me and says:

Sterg: "See that awesome blonde cashing out by the bar?

Hootch: Yeah.

Sterg: She's coming to the Casino with us.

Hootch: Nice...but I cant help but notice there seems to be something missing about her.

Sterg: What? You mean like a personality or something?

Hootch: No man, fucking eyebrows. I dont think she has any eyebrows. She's kinda freaky looking.

Anyway, we arrived at the Casino and decided to get a bite to eat at a restaurant. I cant remember the name of the place but it served the worst bacon and eggs in the history of the world. Everyone sat down except me.

Hootch: I gotta go take a shit.

Sterg: Congratulations.

No eyebrows chick: Do you want us to clap when you come out?

more later on.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Quit my job.

Last day at work is technically next friday, although I ditched today and will probably do the same tomorrow.

So whats the masterplan? I'll give daytrading a serious try see if that can pay the bills and mortgage. If I fall a little behind I'll get Sterg to hire me at his pharmacy... either that or find myself a little street corner and start cranking out the handjobs at $10 a pop.

Went to George Stakis' stag over the weekend. Fucking wild. I'm not really all that tight with Stak any more but damn it was fun. I cant believe I didn't throw up. Me, Mally and Ho starting drinking the hootch as Sterg was driving us to Niagara Falls. Thats were the stag was. We hooked up with Heel and BabyFace at the FallsView Casino. Heel and Babyface are a couple of young cats who work at Sterg's store. They were working the roulette table when we saw them. I was already rocking a pretty good buzz. I introduced myself and ordered us a round of drinks. Heel turned around and said "Thanks. I got you next".

As we watched Heel and Babyface play the outsides on the table, Sterg told me a story that nearly made me piss my pants.

Sterg: Hey Hootch, did I tell you about the time when Mally cock-blocked Heel at a strip joint in Mexico. Heel was with this Mexican chick and he had negotiated to receive a blowjob for $30.

Hootch: $30?!? Was she fucking nasty or something? 30 bones seems a little low.

Heel: Actually it was originally $60 but I had talked her down to 30. She looked like a model, man. She was beautiful.

Sterg: Yeah. Mally wanted us to leave right away but I told him we had to wait for Heel to finish getting his blowjob. Mally was tripping like crazy, though. I think he had some bad shrooms or something cuz he was losing it and wanted to leave asap. I told him "give Heel a few more minutes and we'll leave", but, naw, he wasn't having any of it. He marched right through the VIP section of the club and yelled "Heel, we have no money left".

Hootch: He did?!

Sterg: Yeah. I've never seen strippers clear a room so fast. Even the other strippers working their tricks bailed on their johns cuz no one knew who the fuck Heel was.

Mally: Shit, guy, I was so pissed at you that night. Why the fuck was I paying $22 American for a lapdance when you were getting blowjobs for 30? I might as well have paid the extra $8.

Heel: Anyway, Mal, if you try and cockblock me tonight we are gonna go rounds.

Mally. Okay, whatever. (pointing at the roulette table) Are you up or down?

Heel: I'm down about the cost of 3 blowjobs in Mexico.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Dusty Mac is gonna help me pay off the Swarovski

I dont know who the fuck swarovski is, but I'm pretty sure I just helped bankroll his retirement.

I originally posted this before 7pm with the intention of recounting what happened to me at the mall. Its all fucking retarded though so I deleted everything. In a nutshell, I dropped a G on a swarovski crystal when I originally planned on spending about $200.

Anyway, as noted previously I had taken the Jays -139 to beat the Rays. The Rays have always been a pain in the ass to the Jays, more than you'd expect, but I had my man Dustin MacGowan on the mound tonight and his shit is tight. One more inning in the books and I'll be $50 closer to winning back my G.

If the Jays do hold on for the win tonight I may take half a position on the Angels/Mariners game, over 8.5. However if the Jays fuck up the 9th and blow their lead I'll lay off the Angels/Mariners action and just crank it to the blonde chick on TBS's My Boys. I haven't actually decided yet if I find her attractive but maybe a good crank is whats needed to settle the debate.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

the bookmakers are running scared

I won the football game yesterday thanks to Winnipeg scoring 19 points in the 4rth quarter. Today, so far I have the under (49.5) on the Saskatchewan RoughRiders vs Edmonton Eskimos game. "Eskimos"... I'm not certain thats all so politically correct. It may not be regarded as bad as naming a team the Vatican City Child Molesters but still, I think its time to put an end to all derogatory and insensitive team names, no?

Perhaps more on this later on. Its football time now.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
later on.

fuck. I got smoked on the over. It wasn't even close. Edmonton's defense sucked monkey cock all game long. Now I know my emotions are running high cuz I lost some money but really I still think I can provide some objective analysis to the game. My completely objective, empirical, scientifically proven take: I am fucking better than every single player on the Eskimos.

I'm chasing the afternoon loss by taking the B.C. Lions (+2.5) over the Calgary Stampeders. I really know nothing about either team but the game is on tv and I got a jones to fix.

Today really has been pretty great, though. I've done nothing all day but chill with newchinesegirl, watch the Godfather movies and bet on football. For most of the day NCG has been beside me reading Harry Potter.

While the football game was in the 2nd quarter she put down Harry Potter and said:

NCG: Wanna make love?

Hootch: aaaaa, yeah, I guess. Can we do it here though so I can still watch tv?

NCG: That doesn't sound very romantic

Hootch: Dont worry, baby. Its gonna be unbelievable. Maybe I'll dim the lights a little, get out the candles, turn on a little music.

NCG: That sounds nice.

Hootch: Alright. Now go upstairs in the closet and bring down the sex towel.

NCG: Whats the sex towel?

Hootch: Its the towel I use when I have sex in the tv room to make sure the couch or the carpet dont get any stains on them. This shit is expensive, you know?

NCG: The "sex towel" doesn't sound too romantic.

Hootch: Well, my mom is coming over tomorrow. What do you want me to tell her? "No, dont worry about that splotch on the couch, Ma, thats just a shot of my jizzwad".

I also just took the BoSox (-120) over Tbay. Dont know why the line is so low but too juicy not to take.