Thursday, May 31, 2007


Feeling pretty good now. Yesterday the football team I play for won the first game of the season. We beat the team that won the championship last year so that was pretty exciting and maybe a little unexpected, but fuck it. we played well.

I'll get to the game a little later on but right now the main reason I'm feeling pretty good is cuz I finally was able to track down and download Renegade Soundwave's most hardcore song - Kray Twins. This song is like the soundtrack your most bizzarre highschool acid trip or your attempts to fuck when completely bombed out of your skull feeling good. For sure its a great time, you're buck naked but you just cant manage to insert anything anywhere cuz you'd rather focus on making random noises with your mouth while showing off your African Tribal dance technique. Anyway, the song is great.

I cant really think of the football game right now as I've broken one of my personal rules to investing. Other people do it, but I am not a fan of borrowing money to invest. However yesterday, amongst rumours that the Forzani Group will be bought out by private equity, I tapped into my line of credit and bought 210 shares at @ 25.10. Yesterday the Forzani Group closed at 25.29 but after the bell, reports came out that confirmed the rumour but also stated that Forzani has no apparent interest in being taken private. So I'm not sure how this one will break out at the open today. I may very well end up getting fucked in the ass, but lets hope not.

Same scenario happening with Stelco this morning. Stelco is this really troubled canadian steel company attracting interest from foreign ownership. I may make a play on Stelco as well today. Pre-market looks fucking nuts. Lots of activity.

Keep in mind, the above is in no way a solicitation or an endorsement of these companies. I do not have any designations. I'm just a dumb motherfucker trying to make a buck.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Lidell vs Jackson; Ms Universe vs Akira

On Saturday night I met my future wife. Well... not so much "met" her but more so just saw her on tv. I was at Sterg's house watching Howard on Demand, for the pre Liddell vs Jackson fight festivities, and thats when I saw her - Akira. This chick blew my fucking mind. I normally dont like skinny women too too much but Akira was perfect. Its like God read my mind and put together the blueprint for my ideal woman. I'm still in awe that such a perfect physical specimen (apart from myself) exists. I mean, I've never seen an ass/upper thigh combo like Akira's before. Instant boner. I dont think there is anything she could do or say to turn me off. She could have told me she was a Nazi and I still would have dove nose first into that asshole.

Here is her website:

A word of warning tho, do not visit her site unless you have at least half an hour to play with yourself afterwards. Otherwise you way die of a rapid rush of semen to your balls resulting in your sack exploding.

On another note, I fell asleep watching Ms. Universe today. I got a chuckle out of the "esteemed panel of judges. Tony Romo?!? The Japanese pigeon-necked guy from Heroes?!? Some Mexican soap opera star?!?! I mean, how are these guys qualified to be judges in a beauty contest? If I was running the show it'd go something like this:

Host: And now television audience, lets introduce you to our revered panel of judges who have the massive responsibility of selecting the next Ms Universe. Our first judge works within the finance sector, has watched 150,000 hours of porno and is presently stalking Akira trying to convince her to at least throw him a mercy fuck. Everybody put your hands together for Hootch!!!

Audience: (Hisses and boos)

Host: Our next judge's qualifications include, once impregnating an entire graduating class of catholic school girls all in one night fueled by nothing but the love in his heart... and a mountain of xtasy. He will also be handing out the awards tonight for Ms. Congeniality, Ms. Photogenic and Ms Tightest Vagina. Everybody please welcome Mr. Charlie Shame.

Anyway, my version of Ms America would go something like that. You'd also get to see alot of the backstage happenings, like the contestants hand-jobbing their way into the top ten etc etc etc.

I really wanted to talk about the Lidell vs Jackson fight and our efforts to score anything that looked even remotely similar to Akira. Maybe I'll get to that next time.

Friday, May 25, 2007

the ho's I knows - Part 1: Kanai - I'm pretty sure she hates me

I know this girl. Her name is Kanai. Kanai hustles at my neighbourhood strip joint. She is extraordinairily beautiful. "Beautiful" is not a word I'd normally use to describe a girl, but in this case it can not be helped. Kanai is beautiful. Gotdamn she is.

Last year I spent one evening with Kanai at her club. While that was enough to lessen her hatred for me, it wasn't enough for her to go home and sleep with me. Too bad.

Kanai liked to rock the sophisticated and elegant angle. Unlike the other strippers, you'd never catch Kanai snorting coke by the darkened emergency exit, or fucking the 40 year old pony-tailed DJ who thought he had his finger on the pulse of everything cool, young and hip and who insisted on playing Norweigen rock super-group A-Ha's "Take On Me" at least 3 times a shift. However, Kanai was not like that. She was a bit more polished than the other strippers.

Anyway, me and Kanai were in the back in the VIP section of the club, where she was straddling me and grinding her naked body up against my dick so hard I swear I thought we were fucking through my jeans. I entertained the thought of excusing myself, for a few moments, going to the bathroom and slapping on a lambskin because recollections of lessons learned in highschool sex ed did not bring up any lists of denim or Calvin Klein underwear fabric being an acceptable substitute for condoms. That or maybe strapping a few lumps of coal to my balls and having Kanai turn them into diamonds by the end of the night.

I'll continue later on. Time to go to my job and pretend to work.


Thursday, May 17, 2007

the anime girl, cameron diaz and justin timberhootch

click, click... BOOM!! There goes my heart and my nuts exploding at the same time.

I walk into work on friday, talking to myself, as per usual, about how I think Lou Dobbs is secretly Mexican, when I turn the corner and come face to face with the anime girl. She is wearing this white, loose, summer, strapless top thing that had her entire shoulders and upper chest exposed.

Have mercy.

I would have stood a better chance going shoulder to grill against an outta control mack truck. The anime girl ran me over with little regard to my obvious wish to have her mount my face and ride me like she was the frontrunner in the Kentucky Derby.

I like to sing. I have a horrible voice but, damn, I like to sing. Especially in my car. On my way to work in the morning I slip in Justified in the CD player and I giv'er. Its not just that I sing the songs, but its more like I actually metaphysically become Justin Timberlake. Justin TimberHootch. This morning, as I was driving myself home from whatever gutter I spent in last night, I was singing the My Love song. But its not like I was only singing it. I was signing it with such pure-felt emotion and soul its like I was actually serenading Cameron Diaz's vagina... but not the Cameron Diaz of today cuz that shit looks a little worn out and had, but the Cameron Diaz from The Mask and Feeling Minnesota.

Monday, May 14, 2007

(quick weekend recollections before work) conversation at a wedding

Have you seen Spiderman 3 yet?
Hootch: No. I might go Sunday.
Paul: I heard it wasn't that good.
Hootch: I heard the same thing but I liked the first two.
Paul: I didn't even like the first 2 that much. I think Toby Magauire is miscast as Spiderman.
Hootch: Toby? I think he's alright. Why who would you have play Spiderman?
Paul: I dunno. That's a tough one.
Hootch: I heard when auditions for the first movie were being held, Freddie Prinze jr was lobbying hard for the part.
Paul: Yeah, someone like Freddie Prinze would have been good.
Hootch: Naaah, Freddie is too pretty. Peter Parker has to be common or unremarkable looking. He's like the "everyman", you know.
Paul: You're right. Oh!! you know who would have made a good spiderman? Jason Biggs!
Hootch: What?!? Holy fuck, Paul how much have you had to drink? Jason Biggs as Spiderman?!? First of all, isn't Jason Biggs Jewish? A Jewish Spiderman, holy shit. "Shalom from your friendly neighbourhood spiderman". I dont think that would work, man. You'd see the outline of his yamaka through his spiderman outfit....secondly, his shnaz is so big there would be no mystery as to the secret identity of Spiderman. Everyone would know Spiderman would either be Jason Biggs or Gonzo from the Muppets.
Paul: What about that guy who played Robin from Batman and Robin?
Hootch: Chris O' Donnell?
Paul: Yeah, yeah, yeah, Chris O'Donnell.
Hootch: Isn't Chris O'Donnell a midget?
Paul: No man!! He's taller than Toby Maguire.
Hootch: I dunno. Maybe I think O'Donnell looks shorter than Maguire because he's more muscular, you know.
Paul: I dont think O'Donnell is that muscular.
Hootch: Naw, I dont mean conventional Hollywood muscular like Arnold or Stallone. I mean gay-guy muscular with massive thighs and glutes. You know, the type of muscular you get from pumping ass all day?

I think its somewhere around this point when Paul's wife forbid him to talk to me any longer..

Friday, May 04, 2007


Jefferson again proved how he is infinitely more man than Carter by taking it to the hole during the Nets' last possession while Carter settled for a 35 footer the play before. Anyway speaking of taking it to the hole, lemme finish off, or at least try to, with NewChineseGirl.

We meet at a bar/danceclub/meat market. She looks good. She is wearing this lacey blue undershirt thing underneath her spaghetti-strap halter top. She sees me and runs up to hug me. She buries her mouth in my ear, whispers and laughs "I'm sooo drunk".

We find a corner far enough away from the bar to buy us a little free space and where its not so loud. The DJ is spinning this completely shit tune and the dance floor is packed with white guys who all think they're Eminem and wigger chicks. Me and NewChineseGirl talk a bit. I'm kinda nervous which is weird cuz I almost never get nervous. I try and hide my nervousness but do a poor job. NCG can tell. She starts laughing again and begins to tease.

NCG: Oh my gawd!! Are you nervous?
Hootch: What!? No. Why would I be nervous?
NCG: (moves in closer, pinching the sides of my waist) Oh my gawd, you are nervous.
Hootch: You're crazy. I'm not nervous. I dont even like you. Why would I be nervous?

Just then Monica's "every time the beat drops" starts playing. NCG tries to pull me on to the dance floor. I like the song but I pull back. "I dont really dance" I say. "Please" she pleads and gives this pouty look. I'm pretty sure making half an effort to dance will buy me at least a handjob by the end of the night... but still, I hate dancing.

Reluctantly I make my way through the sea of wiggers to the dance floor. SexyBack comes on. I like this song also. I do my best to try and relax and dance but I feel like a total fag. I'm about to say "fuck this" and walk away when NCG starts grinding her flat ass up against my dick.

The end of the night and we are back at my place. I got NCG just about naked. I'm in my skidmarked underwear and pit-stained undershirt. We are getting just about to the point where we are gonna hafta call it quits or fuck like bunnies. Either way is okay with me. I leave it up to her. She says she doesn't like to have sex on the first date. I tell her "but when I see you every day at work its like a date, so technically this is like our 50th date or something". She doesn't buy it but like I said thats alright with me - I'll bend her over the couch tomorrow or the next day.

I go to kiss her again and you can imagine my suprise, given what she had just said, when she started licking and making her way down my chest. "Oh man, is she gonna blow me?" I thought to myself then laughed a little cuz I dont think I've ever asked myself that question before and it sounds pretty ridiculous.

NCG: (sucking dick) Is this okay?
Hootch: Yeah, its nice
NCG: Cuz I thought I heard you laugh
Hootch: Oh, that. I was just thinking of a funny part in Everybody Loves Raymond
NCG: WHAT?!?! I have your dick in my mouth and you're thinking about...
Hootch: (interrupting her) I'm just kidding. Sorry it was a stupid joke. Please, dont let me interrupt you. You're doing good.

So NCG is going to work and I start thinking - thats kinda weird the chick wont have sex with me but she'll suck my dick(her parents must be very proud)?! I mean, I haven't sucked anyone's dick before but to me that is a way more intimate gesture than sticking a penis in your vagina, but I dunno, maybe its a girl thing.

Then NCG starts talking again while continuing to suck.

NCG: Tell me how it feels
Hootch: It feels nice
NCG: What part feels nice?
Hootch: (ignoring the question)
NCG: What part feels nice?
Hootch: Oh, sorry. All of it.
NCG: Is there a part you dont like?
Hootch: Just the talking part.

I start laughing and she starts chucking the knuckles at me. We play fight for a bit and i swear I think she's trying to open-hand slap my testicles. Anyway, she wouldn't finish me off after that. Next time maybe I'll learn to keep my yap shut.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

dumb thoughts for the day

(1) Considering my UTFL season begins in 3 weeks I thought it'd be in my best interest to temporarily suspend my online quest for black babe one white dude porno and take my fat ass to the gym once in a while.

(2) I'm developing this new website where you can stay in touch and write messages to all the people you pretend to be friends with. The website is gonna be called ""

(3) How is this guy passing any substance abuse test. Has the NBA stopped testing for crack?

(4) I signed up for Instant Messaging. You can find me most of the time in New Jersey Nets chat rooms acting as an ambassador of goodwill and a conduit of peace. Most of my conversations being with "sooo... this is where all the ugly girls hang out".

(5) How is this guy passing any substance abuse test? Has the NBA stopped testing for semen in the stomach?

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Match 2 of the "who I would rather be tag-teamed by" tournament

Who would I rather be tag-teamed by?

Sylvia Saint

Tera Patrick


Rorie Gilmore

Hilary Duff

in this picture Hilary Duff has the 2nd biggest vagina

I'm pretty sure I'd do just about anything to sleep with Sylvia Saint... rim-job a rhinoceros, sleep on a bed of nails while some motherfucker sledgehammers my torso, or even listen to a Josh Groban CD. I'm also pretty sure if I ever did get the opportunity to make the 2ble backed beast with Ms Saint, she would fuck me into a mindless coma I'd be hard pressed to recover from. Still, I'm practically mindless anyway, so she's well worth the ride.

I've been crushing on Hillary Duff ever since she lost those Franz Kafka bug-eyes. However, my main turn on with Hilary Duff is not her looks. Its the fact that she not only dumped but crushed Good Charlotte's super-douche Joel Madden's heart. That accomplishment is worth my endless admiration. I love watching Joel come off like a sucker and hearing him complain at every opportunity how Hillary did him wrong. That's too funny (you are soooo punk, assmunch). Whats even funnier is how he says he's now happier with Nicole Ritchie. WAAAHAHAHAHA. Sure you are, buddy. That's like going from eating steak to eating turd, one day to the next. Bon Appetite, asshole (the previous being said, I'd still rather eat turd than eat Nicole Richie's snapper).

And the winner is: Against every instinct I hafta go with the tag team of Duff and Rory Gilmore. I mean, with great opportunity comes great responsibility and if I have the opportunity to pour salt in the wound of the worst band in the world, then I gotta take it. Revenge fucking Hilary Duff as payback for Good Charlotte introducing the world to the worst music ever is an X-factor hard to resist. Sorry, day we will be together.