Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Afterhours in the store

Alright. So Georgey was in the bathroom firing off a frothy one to the pictorial of Meagan Fox in this month's Maxim magazine, Davey-boy was busy dropping his balls on the mouthpiece of the cosmeticians' telephone and I, having done both already, was thinking about all the different ways the new Conservative's tax was gonna fuck up my Income Trust investments. The store was closed, so it was a good place to think... or to jack yourself a soda, or to booby trap telephones.

I find myself "working" alot more than I had originally intended. It appears as though some fulltime motherfucker had a crate of homo milk fall on his head. Work asked me to pick up some of the extra hours and, reluctantly, I agreed.

Work(on the phone): Hootch, did I wake you?

Hootch: Yeah. I was in the middle of my favorite dream where me and Dana Perino run away and become Menonites.

Work: Oh. Sorry 'bout that.

Hootch. It was just getting to the best part, too. The part where she uses my dick to churn the butter, then she cleans me off by..

Work: (interrupting): Okay, okay I get the picture. Listen, we've had an accident here and we need you to pick up some extra hours.

Hootch: Like how many extra hours?

Work: Like, 40 hours a week. We want you to work a fulltime regular shift. You know, like most grown men do.

Hootch: Dude, you're gonna, like, totally fuck up my daytrading.

Work: What daytrading? You just told me you were in the middle of a dream where US Press Secretary blows you.

Hootch: Hey, its what I do to prepare, okay. It helps take the edge off.

Anyway, in the end I agreed to pick up a few more hours in the evening. Its not as bad as I thought it'd be. I initially thought the fact that I have a University degree would fuck with my ego. I didn't thinkI'd be able to deal with working every day (even if it is only 4 to 5 hours a shift) making $9 an hour. Yeah, I have a university degree. Masters in basketweaving, motherfuckers. Almost as useless as a degree in philosophy.

Alright, lastly a review of my stock picks from last week:

(1) Potash. bought last week at 164.50; trading now at 173.24.
(2) Teck Comminco. Bought last week at 33.90; now trading at $35.00
(3) Pengrowth Energy Trust. Bought last week at 16.25; now trading at 17.26
(4) BCE. bought last week at 33.75; now trading at 37.10
(5) Yellow Pages Income Trust. bought last week at 9.00; now trading at 9.70

I'm going to add two more to the list.

Fording Coal Income Trust. I actually bought this last thursday, at a lower price but we'll say I picked it up today. Its trading now at $79. Its been bought out by Teck Comminco for $82 a share plus 0.245 a Teck Comminco share for every fording share you have. Because of the mess with the US banks there are now questions if the financing is actually in place to complete the deal. I say it is. If the deal goes through, Fording shares will be worth between 88-92 a share in less than a month.

Agrium at 81.50. Just a badass company that's scheduled to make more than $10 a share next year. It could go lower but over the long term there is very little doubt this bitch is going higher.


Wednesday, September 17, 2008

back... and flatout broke

Whats up, motherfuckers? I'm still alive, although probably not disease-free any more given the fact I've been pounding Maryanne's vag, again, on a semi-frequent basis. Still refusing to find a real job as well, despite any previous lukewarm success in daytrading spiraling into daily unlubricated ass-rapes from the market's monster cock. To combat the loss of thousands of dollars a day, from my bank account, I've increased the number of hours I work at Sterg's pharmacy from 10 hours a week to 15 hours. Couple this with my recent raise from $8.50 to $9.00 an hour and I'm sure you can easily see I'm the picture of financial stability.

Now, I know alot of you are thinking "Hootch, but you're so fucking smart and your balls taste like Certs breath mints, how can you be doing so poorly in the stock market?!? I dont believe you. I bet you are doing fucking awesome!!"

Ok. Fine. So to prove I am just as good as losing money as that fag, Kramer, is I will update my blog with my recent stock plays and reasons for buying. Ready?

Potash Corp (tsx). Purchased again today at $164.50. Next year's earnings are going to be in the neighbourhood of $20 per share giving POT a p/e ratio of about 8. Good enough for me. $155 is my stop/loss.

Teck Comminco (tsx). Purchased today at $33.90. Really fucking inexpensive given this year's earnings and an even better buy using next year's estimates. Can the stock go lower? Sure, but the upside is huge if the markets ever turn around. Stop/Loss at $33.

Pengrowth Energy Trust (tsx). Purchased yesterday at $16.25. As long as oil doesn't nosedive much further I have no plans on selling this bitch. Paying me a dividend of 16.5% in monthly installments is incentive enough for me to hold.

Yellow Pages Income Trust (tsx) Purchased today at $9.00. Boring. Wont hit a home run with this one but paying me a 13% dividend in monthly payments. Company plans on keeping its high yield even after the cocksucking Conservative party forces them to change from a Trust to a Corporation. Wont sell unless fundamentals change.

BCE (tsx) purchased today at $33.75. BCE was boughtout a few years ago by a consortium lead by the Ontario Teachers Pension Plan for $42.75 a share. The closing of the deal has been delayed by legal arguments presented by bondholders (all fags). These legal arguments have been dismissed by the Supreme Court of Canada. However, now the shareprice is dropping because there is apparent uncertainty over the ability to obtain financing for the deal. I think the money is already in place and its just a matter of time before this bitch hits the takeout price. Will hold unless the deal falls apart. Reward far outweighs the risk, in my opinion.

talk to you later, alligators.

Saturday, May 31, 2008

May 31, 2008

Honestly, how hot is Dana Perino. May be the best looking chick over 60, and the hottest republican with a vagina next to Tucker Carlson.

I just finished watching about 72 consecutive hours of trash MTV "reality" television (love it) and I keep asking myself the question "who the fuck is Tila Tequila and why is she famous". I mean, apart from the obvious - having the smallest chin and biggest forehead combo in the world. I guess another question I have is where does MTV find the retards to be on her show?

Fuck, I'm hooked big on The Real World, Hollywood. Its sooo funny how MTV picked the fucking alcoholic juicebag to be one of the roommates. You cant tell me the execs of the show were thinking "okay, lets select the guy on steroids with the drinking problem to be on the show. If we're lucky, he may fly off the handle on an epic roid rage. If we are really lucky he may kill someone on camera..."

Heartless bastards. Yet I still watch.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

friday night lights and my retirement plan

GXS now at $6.85. Touched $8.00 a few days ago. I sold everything I had left at 6.90. Bought me at least another few months of watching Star Trek re-runs in my underwear and downloading porno in stead of looking for a real job. Sweet.

Bought Season 2 of Friday Night Lights. Awesome. Every single relationship between characters in that show is interesting. The show has made my cry on more than a few occasions between the two seasons. Its hilarious.

Hootch: I bought Friday Night Lights

Sister: The movie?

Hootch: No. The show.

Sister: There is a show?

Hootch: Yeah. Its awesome. Its actually made me tear up a few times.

Sister: What, the show? How come? Did someone die or something. Is there a lot of tragedy? Cuz I cant handle that shit either.

Hootch: No. No one dies.

Sister: What were you crying for then.

Hootch: Well, in one episode, Landry catches this game winning touchdown and I just couldn't hold back the emotion.

Sister: (staring in disbelief) You are a loser.

Hootch: No, like you dont understand. There was, like, 3 seconds on the clock. It was the last play of the game. It spoke to my collective unconscious - man triumphing against all odds

Actually, Landry didn't catch the ball but thats besides the point. The show is awesome and the chicks are hot.

Bought Timminco shares a few days ago, again. I mentioned this stock previously when in was in its teens a few months back. I bought the shares at 21.18. Yesterday it closed at 24.90. The stock is volatile as a motherfucker. There are alot of people in the investment community who have bet that the company's claims of low capital costs and multi-year contract are all lies. Several weeks ago Timminco hired a 3rd party to run a review of its operations and product. Yesterday that 3rd party presented their findings in an hour long press conference. They said Timminco, even with minimal effort, with the existing ramp up in their business can expect to earn upwards of one billion dollars in operating profit in 2010. Cha-ching. I expect the stock to still act volatile as those who "bet" (or shorted) against the stock continue with their campaign of disinformation but Ive decided to make Timminco my retirement fund.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

basketball diaries

Last night I ventured out of my hole and visited the "Y". I planned to spend a quiet evening shooting a few baskets. Maybe afterward if I had time I would hit the crosstraining machine. That was the plan, anyway.

I stepped in the Y. It was fucking jammed. The locker room was ridiculous. We were like sardines in there. Making matters worse was the fact that every second guy was naked. I felt like I just stepped onto the set of a gay porno. I began to feel a little anxious. "Ok", I thought "should I just do what you're supposed to do when you get thrown in prison for the first time? Should I knock the fuck out of some unsuspecting stranger as fair warning for all not to violate my personal space? Maybe I'll throw in a solid ass rape for good measure".

Thankfully though I I found an empty locker, changed clothes and got the fuck out of dodge before I had to lay the wood on some fuck who doesn't know any better than to come within a 2 ft radius of me when not wearing underwear. Its not like I'm homophobic or anything. Its just that if any part of your dick touches me, guy-code stipulates that I must beat the shit out of you then fuck your girlfriend and/or any female member of your family. I'm not homophobic, at all. Some of my best friends suck wang.

The basketball courts were crowded. All the courts had games going on them. I wouldn't be able to shoot/practice by myself on a court, like I wanted. The only way I could play was if I teamed up with two other guys and challenged the winning team on one of the courts. I didn't know anyone in the gym and it looked like everyone else had their 3s. Shit. Just as I thought about heading back home I was approached by 3 Chinese dudes. Collectively they may have weighed about as much as a chopstick.

Chinese1: (spoken with an accent) Are you looking for a team?

Hootch: Yeah.

Chinese1: Do you wanna play with us?

Hootch: Uhhh, ok. Dont you already have 3 though?

Chinese1: Not anymore. Vincent broke his glasses during the last game.

Hootch: That sucks. How did he break them?

Chinese1: That guy (pointing to one of the players on the court) hit him with an elbow in the eye.

Hootch: Ah. If we play that guy again we'll kill his team.

Chinese1: You think so?

Hootch: Ahh, hell yeah. All we have to do is play defense and communicate between the three of us at all times. Vincent can help by being, like, our coach.

Chinese1: Very good.

Hootch: We'll do good. By the way, I'm Hootch.

Chinese1: Oh, hello. I am Charles and our third is Matthew.

Hootch: Hey guys, nice to meet you.

Chinese1: Oh, one thing, Hootch.

Hootch: Whats that, brother.

Chinese1: Vincent and Matthew dont speak any english.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

May 6, 2008 (afternoon ramblings)

I booked the rest of this week off from work. I was only scheduled to go in 3 days from 5 to 10 but I asked the Malbomber if he wanted to take my shifts. Mally recently bought a condo and he somehow thinks making $9 an hour 3 days a week is gonna help him cover his mortgage. He has a real job that pays pretty well but I guess the extra work at the pharmacy eases his mind a little and keeps him out of trouble.

With the weather warming up the girls at the store, workers and customers, are looking prettier and prettier. Ever since university, spring has always been my favorite time of year. Spring because its when all the girls begin to shed their winter clothing and you see skin again for the first time in months. Multi-layered halter tops or spaghetti straps turns just about any female into my fantasy woman. A few weeks ago I saw CameronDiazLookaLikeButWithaLargerHead take off her work shirt at the end of her shift. It was just me and her in the lunch room and she pulled off her shirt revealing a LuLu Lemon spaphetti strap thingy. I almost blasted a whole right there in my underwear.

"You want me to leave?" I asked

"No, its alright". She answered.

Totally awesome, I thought. Please let her take off her pants and underwear next.

There are alot of fucking hot girls that come in the store. I mean, it doesn't do me any good cuz I really doubt any chick is gonna see me and say "wow. That 34 year old man making $9 an hour is totally hot". Its funny cuz whenever I'm engaged in a conversation with any customer I always make it a priority to point out that working at the pharmacy is not my real job.

Female Customer: Do you have any astroglide cuz I'm such a nympho I just about fuck every guy that has a real job

Hootch: Ahhh, I'm not certain. I'm pretty sure we do but let me double check. I'm only here two days a week. This is not my real job, you know.

Female Customer: Oh, its not. Where else do you work.

Hootch: Well, technically I dont work anywhere else.

Female Customer: Oh, so you're unemployed?

Hootch: Oh, no. I day-trade.

Female Customer: Cool (already unzipping my pants) . You mean like with Morgan Stanley or somethinig.

Hootch: No, ahhh...actually in my basement. I just day trade by myself through my discount broker account.

Female Customer: Ohhhhhh, (sounding disappointed and zipping my pants back up). Can you hurry up with the astro-glide please. I think the crazy guy on the corner who dances for spare change makes more money than you and I'm totally gonna sit on his face.

May 6, 2008

Just saw the most wicked Veronica Mars episode. It was the one where she was totally 69ing this fat hairy greek guy... oh... hold on a second... that wasn't an actual episode... I think that was just a dream I had last night.

Started reading "Journey to the End of the Night" a few days ago. So far, pretty awesome.

GXS up to 4.55 yesterday before it was halted. The company issued a press release, at 3:15, detailing the quality of the coal they hit. Sounds good to me but I'm not a geologist. Maybe the apparent excitement in the news release was all spin. Either way another company that applied for a permit right beside GXS' land started moving as soon as the GXS news was out. I guess the speculation there is that hopefully the body of coal extends over into SMI's land as well. I got in SMI at 41 cents. Today will either be a really big payday or I probably go broke once GXS resumes trading and SMI takes its cue.

Ha! I guess as should have been expected both GXS and SMI did the exact opposite of what I anticipated. They neither skyrocketed or dropped to their knees faster than Veronica Mars looking for clues in my underwear. They're basically flat so far for the day. I'll probably sell most of these holdings and only keep a small position as basically a lottery ticket. GXS the past 2 weeks was a sweet trade though.

This morning I watched the House of Flying Daggers with the commentary on. Pretty cool. The director, Yimou Zhang, basically said he had the lead male eating peanuts in the first three scenes of the movie because he was concerned that North American audiences wouldn't be able able to identify him, at first, from the other Asian faces. I thought that was hilarious. Then Ziyi Zhang, the female lead, admitted having difficulty differentiating between North American faces in movies. She normally focuses on one facial feature to distinguish between people "like the bridge of their nose" she said. Bridge of their nose?! Man, if she ever runs into me, the feature I hope she focuses on is the bulge in my pants.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

April 30, 2008

Went to work yesterday. Shift was from 5pm to 9pm but I arrived 30 minutes late. Pretty much fucked the dog as shit was slow. Came home. Watched as the Spurs discarded the Suns with robot-like efficiency.

Woke up this morning. Finally showered. Popped in the chicken nuggets I bought yesterday from the pharmacy. DAMN, SON!! They were good.

Ran on the treadmill and watched the retards on CNN debate over the content of Jeremiah Wright's recent public speaking appearances. Pretty divisive, I think. I also think here's an old man trying to milk his 15 minutes. Seems to me he's not pulling any punches trying to mark his place in history right beside Malcom X and MLK. I wonder how he'd like it if a white preacher went on television and gave his impersonation of a black man practising his faith. When Wright gave his impresssion of a white marching band yesterday I thought "ok, this guy has completely lost it".

GXS is up to 3.30. Up from the 2.40 I bought 2 days ago and from the 1.30 I bought on Friday.

Kung Fu movie time.

Monday, April 28, 2008

April 28, 2008

Woke up around 6am. Popped in and watched an episode of Veronica Mars while I ate CornPops out of a salad bowl.

Around 7am I debated showering and decided against it. I fired up the computer and checked out my favorite porn site. I searched for any new mpegs of black chicks doing white guys. No dice.

Around 9am I checked in briefly with a few financial websites and the retards on CNBC and Business News Television to get a feel of what the day may have in store.

The stock I bought yesterday (GXS) at 1.33 (it closed yesterday at 1.97) opened at 1.90 today. Within the first 45 minutes of trading it ran up to around 2.95. I set a stop/loss at 2.33 and left to do some grocery shopping. I catch some lunch at a sandwich joint and head home.

At home I pop in another episode of Veronica Mars and contemplate firing one off to Ms. Mars. One cream soda later I fire up the computer again to see what's happening with my GXS. My stop/loss has been hit. The stock is now at 2.15. Sweet.

I take a nap thinking it'd be pretty rad doggie styling Veronica Mars. I wake up. I check my computer and find GXS moving up. The reason it moved yesterday was because the company drilled and struck coal. They dont know what the quality of the coal is but the deposit appears to be quite large as they struck what they believed to be the same body of coal when they drilled another hole 1.5 kilometers further away. Today the company announced they believe the coal encountered in the drill holes is of the Cretaceous age and the results defining the quality of coal are expected prior to the week's end.

Now, one of either two things will happen. (A) the quality of the coal will be good and with only 17 million shares outstanding, in the company, the stock will more than beef up my bank account. Or (B) the quality of coal will be poor and the stock will drop quickly well below $1. Because of some success I've had previously, I think I can afford the risk. I buy back in at 2.40 and will wait until the results are announced.

Between 4:30 and 5:30 pm I excersize.

6:00, I google "Cretaceous Age and coal" hoping to get an indication of what the quality of coal may be that GXS found. After 5 minutes I lose interest and go back and visit my favorite porn site. Still, no new black chick on white guy mpegs.

7:30 I watch the Raps outhink themselves and lose to Orlando. Really, is there any reason we have to 2ble team fucking Rashad Lewis and Hedo Turkoglou every fucking time down the court? We're way more athletic than they are. We should have handled them one-on-one and TJ Ford and Calderon should have eaten Jameer Nelson's lunch but unfortunately, it didn't go down that way.

Now, getting ready to watch Kobe ass fuck the Nuggets.

(By mentioning GXS here I'm almost positive I've jinxed myself and the stock. The stock may go to zero tomorrow and I'll be forced to rely on the kindness of strangers to make ends meet).

Sunday, April 27, 2008

dont call it a comeback


Been kinda out of the loop for a while. Hope everyone is doing well. I'm okay. Still trading. Still working a few days a week at the pharmacy. HotBlackChick is long gone. So is any ambition and desire to look for a real job or a real relationship.

I've been pretty much living the life of a recluse lately. If it wasn't for the few days at work my social interactions would amount to zero. And even then, most of the people I talk to at work are the junkies that try to shoplift powdered baby formula to mix their crack with.

I guess the closest thing I have to a relationship right now is with the diminutive but spunky Veronica Mars. I make sure and catch up with her at least once a day, while I work the treadmill at home. Other than that and the crackheads - zero social interaction. Pretty soon I'm pretty sure I'll lose or forget the ability to communicate in a socially acceptable manner. I'll just be all grunts and crotch grabbing. Although in all fairness, I think crotch grabbing is highly underestimated and underappreciated as a means of expression.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

conversation at work

Hootch: Hey, what's going on?

Babyface: Not much. Me and prettygreekgirl finally did it.

Hootch: You did?! Thats awesome, man.

Babyface: It took me long enough.

Hootch: I thought you guys were only going out for 2 weeks.

Babyface: We have. I thought the blue balls were gonna kill me.

Hootch: You are my fucking hero.

Babyface: What about you and HBC? Have you guys... (does his weird arm gesture that I imagine means "had sex")

Hootch: A gentleman never kisses and tells.

Babyface: ...

Hootch: She gave me a blowjob on our first date (I lied).

Babyface: Fuck, I almost jizzed right there thinking about HBC giving peepa (blowjob in greek), you lucky fuck.

Hootch: Hey, I thought I told you to text me when you were about to deflower PGG.

Babyface: I almost did. It was so retarded. We were at my house and I was in my bathroom looking for my Magnum Xtra Large Condoms... (laughs)

Hootch: (laughing) Shyyaat up. I dont care how many times we use that joke, its, like, the best ever.

Babyface: I was in the bathroom. She was waiting for me in my bedroom. I had the text all written out and was about to hit "send" but I thought "what the fuck am I doing? I'm sending Hootch a text, like I'm a hero, cuz I finally busted a nut on prettygreekgirl?! She's not even that pretty".

Hootch: What?!

Babyface: Ahh, I dont think prettygreekgirl is all that pretty.

Hootch: WHAT?!

Babyface: I dont, man. I shouldn't have even asked her out. I only asked her out cuz you kept going on about her being hot and an unappreciated beauty in the pharmacy. I dont even think she makes my top 5 in the pharmacy, dude.

Hootch: You're crazy, guy. PGG has been holding down the number one spot on my top 3 list in the pharmacy ever since I started working in this shithole.

Babyface: No. No way.

Hootch: Want me to hit you with some truth? Dont get hurt now. BAMM!! Top three: (1) PGG, (2) SuperhotChineseJailBait, and (3) CameronDiazlookalikebutwithabighead.

Babyface: And you're calling me crazy, HBC isn't in your top 3?! You're insane! Dude, every guy in here thinks she's the best looking girl in the store by far except you.

Hootch: I know. I know she's alright but I only asked her out cuz she made it, like, practically a sure thing. She essentially invited herself to come with me to the basketball game that first night.

Babyface: Why didn't you say "no".

Hootch: I would have felt bad if I told her "no".

Babyface: How come? Cuz she's so nice?

Hootch: No, cuz I didn't want to disappoint you guys.

Babyface: She's fucking hot, dude. I'd waaay rather be banging HBC.

Hootch: Yeah, and I'd rather be with PGG.

Babyface: ...

Hootch: Holy fuck, its like we're in a fucking episode of Three's Company.

Babyface: Maybe we can talk to the girls and arrange to have a foursome and in the middle I can just take HBC and you can take PGG.

Hootch: Ya, but if Mr. Furly catches us he'll kick us out of the apartment for sure.

Babyface: Guy, I'm not a geezer like you. I have no idea who the fuck Mr. Furley is.

Monday, February 25, 2008

While watching "Traffic" and the Oscars on tv last night

Hootch: You know, someone once told me I look a little like a young Benicio Del Toro.

HBC: Actually, I've always thought you looked quite a bit like Benico Del Toro.

Hootch: Yeah? Cool! He's a pretty good looking guy, eh?

HBC: I don't think he's that good looking.

Hootch: (said jokingly) Fuck off.

HBC: Ahhh, excuse me! Did you just tell me to fuck off?

Hootch: ....

HBC: Well?

Hootch: No.

HBC: Yes, you did.

Hootch: So! You said I was ugly.

HBC: I didn't say you were ugly. What are you, like, 12 years old or something?

Hootch: You look like Oprah.


Hootch: Come on, anyone but Javier Bartem.

Presenter: And the winner for Best Supporting Actor goes to...

Hootch: Come on. Come on.

Presenter: ...Javier Bartem for No Country For Old Men!!

Hootch: FAACK!!!

HBC: What? What's wrong?

Hootch: The fucking Mexican won.

HBC: Oh, right. The bet. Explain to me again why you thought betting against the favorites was a good idea?

Hootch: I dunno. Probably the same reason I thought inviting you here, was a good idea, also.


Sunday, February 24, 2008

Betting with Oscar

Alright, here is how we are gonna play this. For the Best Picture award No Country for Old Men is a pretty sizable favorite. There Will Be Blood is the second favorite to win (+450). Atonement is third (+750). Juno is fourth (+1600) and Michael Clayton is fifth (+3500).

I am gonna put $5 on There Will Be Blood, $5 on Atonement, $5 on Juno and $5 on Michael Clayton. If There Will Be Blood wins my payout is $22.50. If Michael Clayton wins (hope hope) my payout is $175. If Atonement or Juno win my payout will be somewhere in between. Of Course if No Country wins I get nothing but the aggravation of trying to explain to HBC why I thought these bets were a good idea.

I'll use the same type of strategy for the other major categories where there is a heavy favorite.

For Best Actor Daniel Day-Lewis is a fucking huuuuge favorite. If you wanted to bet him to win you would have to put down $2500 just to make $100 back. Anyway, I'll put $5 each on George Clooney (+1200), Johnny Depp (+2500), Tommy Lee Jones (+6000) and Viggo Mortensen (+8000). If the Cloon-Dawg wins my payout is ($60). If Viggo Mortensen takes it the payout is $400. I think Viggo and Tommy Lee Jones have less a chance of winning than I do keeping the 20s in my pocket at a strip joint, but if by whatever miracle they do come up the winner and I decided not to play them, I would have to cause myself some serious bodily injury.

Best actress I'll lay off of but I will play Best Director and Best Supporting Actor. The two favorites in each of those categories is The Coen Brothers and Javier Bardem. If anyone else but them win for their respective categories I'll be a happy fucker.

Enjoy the evening.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Any geologists in the house??

Serves me right for betting against my team.

Been riding a pretty good streak on the markets. Hitting one stock hard on the strength of its commodity price. And what commodity is that, one might ask.




Good guess, but no, again.

The answer is coal. Yeah, motherfucking coal!! Metallurgical coal, to be exact, but yeah, go figure. With all the advancements in technology, with all the R and D put in alternative energy sources, with all that shit going on its coal thats bringing my ass back from the verge of having to look for a real job. Anyway, the price of the commodity is expected to more than double from last year's prices so yip-dee-fuck-dee-doo for me.
Looks like I lucked the fuck out this afternoon. Caught a news release just as it was made public and jumped on the stock hoping it would move. The company announced their prospective mining results from the land they own. I could never read those fucking things (too scientific; you practically have to be a geologist to make heads or tails out of it) but I threw a few thousand at it to see what would happen.

In at 0.65. Price now is 1.45. All dumb luck. Makes me feel a little better about that losing streak I was on before. Now the question is when to lock in profits and if to add on a position just before the close hoping the insane momentum will continue tomorrow. The problem is I cant understand the report. I cant tell if the stock is flying cuz the promoters are pushing it or cuz the numbers in the report are that damn good.

The difference could be a couple hundred bucks of profit vs killing it pretty good. Good enough not to worry about bills for a while and concentrate on more fun things like watching movies and hitting on Franki.


Closed the day at 1.57. Nice. Funny to think I almost sold at 80 cents. Fuck, I would have considered some serious self mutilation if I did. Can never tell what tomorrow brings but looks like the run may continue, at least for a bit. Shit, I always feel like the biggest douche bag when I talk about a stock I own that did/does well. Maybe I should donate half of what I make to charity... or go to the strip club. One or the other as long as I'm giving.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Lets get ready to gamblllllllle!

Orlando +4 over the Raps.

Labron-bron and the Cavs -2.5 over the Pacers.

Monday, February 18, 2008

I may have slipped into retardation

It would be totally awesome to live in the 25th Century, cuz then you'd get to dress up like this:

Does it really get any more macho than that? Gold tight-assed pants, you carry a jacket just so you can throw it over your shoulder as you proudly display your knarly chesthair. The jacket over the shoulder is a touch of 25th century fashion genius. It says "yeah, I can cover up my hairy chest if I wanted to, but why should I? I'm taking ownership of the manbeast that lives inside me. Just because we live in the 25th century doesn't mean I've lost touch with my primitive instincts".

Totally fucking cool. In fact, in the 25th century you are encouraged to display your manbeast..., or in the following case your man-birdbeast.

AAAAaaaaaaawwwww yeeeeeahh. Thats what I'm talking about. The perfect fusion of 25th century technology, as illustrated by the impenetrable black body armour contrasted with the feathered helmet which represents the vulnerable yet ferocious animal inside us all. KA-kaw, KA-kaw!!

Plus in the 25th century all the women look like this:

Every single woman, like the above. You see, sometime in the 22nd century they held a contest to see who the hottest looking woman was of all time. And as it turns out, Ricky Shroeder's mom, from Silver Spoons, won (followed by that retarded chick from Headlines News who does the mornings - Robyn, I think her name is). Anyway, from that day on, every single female was cloned to look like Ricky Shroeder's mom. This was widely recognized as a positive step in civilization as far too many women, previously, looked like this:

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Have you ever seen Joyce Dewitt and Joan Jett in the same room together?

A few days ago I was watching The Top 50 Videos of the 80's with HBC. I'm not really a fan of the show or 1980's music but as I was flipping through channels I caught the teaser that promised to play "I love Rock n' Roll" by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts.

Hootch: Have you ever heard that song before?

HBC: No.

Hootch: Oh my gawd. You haven't?!? You're so racist.

HBC: You know, that joke was never funny. Not even the first time you said it.

Hootch: Here comes the video. Watch. This song is awesome.

The song and video begin.

HBC: What the fuck. Is that Janet from Three's Company?

I'll let you decide:

HBC's observation totally blew my fucking mind. I couldn't stop laughing. Its like Janet is the Clark Kent to Superman's Joan Jett.

It was then I decided to reward HBC with some extra hot white boy loving that night.

HBC: (as we are doing it) That feels nice.

Hootch: (continuing to rock her world). Tell me how much you like it.

HBC: Thats feels so nice, honey. Yeah, like that. Keep on doing that.

Hootch: Like that? Tell me how much you like that.

HBC: hmmmmyeeeeah

Hootch: Tell me how much you love white meat.

And with that comment, ladies and gents, combined with the fact that I couldn't stop laughing afterwards, I probably permanently put myself in the shithouse.

It was probably worth it, though. That was a damn good laugh.

Friday, February 15, 2008

The Oscars With My Bookie

Here are the odds for the Oscars. The lines are provided by my bookie. If you're not familiar with the odds to the right, here are how they work. If I wanted to bet No Country for Old Men to win best picture I would have to put down $333 to win a $100 back (obviously it is the favorite at minus 333). However, if I take a flyer on Michael Clayton to win at plus 4000 I would win $4000 for every $100 I put down. Wow. Obviously movie insiders think Old Country is a lock for best picture.

Anyway, have a look at the odds. Let me know what you think. Advice and insights are always appreciated but please no tips like "Bet $1000 on BattleField Earth".

Best Picture

No Country For Old Men-333Bet
There Will Be Blood+400Bet
Michael Clayton+4000Bet

Best ActorBook Closes Feb 24 15:00

Win Only

Daniel Day-Lewis-2500Bet
George Clooney+1400Bet
Johnny Depp+1400Bet
Viggo Mortensen+4000Bet
Tommy Lee Jones+5000Bet

Best ActressBook Closes Feb 24 15:00

Win Only

Julie Christie-200Bet
Marion Cottilard+200Bet
Ellen Page+800Bet
Cate Blanchett+4000Bet
Laura Linney+5000Bet

Oscars - DirectorBook Closes Feb 24 15:00

Win Only

Joel Coen and Ethan Coen-No Country for Old Men-400Bet
Paul Thomas Anderson-There Will Be Blood+450Bet
Julian Schnabel-The Diving Bell and the Butterfly+750Bet
Jason Reitman- Juno+4000Bet
Tony Gilroy- Michael Clayton

Win Only

Javier Bardem-1600Bet
Casey Affleck+1100Bet
Hal Holbrook+1200Bet
Philip Seymour Hoffman+4000Bet
Tom Wilkinson+4000Bet

Oscars - Best Supporting ActressBook Closes Feb 24 15:00

Win Only

Cate Blanchett+130Bet
Amy Ryan+225Bet
Ruby Dee+333Bet
Tilda Swinton+700Bet
Saoirse Ronan

Wow. Again having a look at the odds it appears like for most of the categories the winners are already practically determined. Any dark horses out there?

Thursday, February 14, 2008

the greatest basketball game I ever played

It was my first day of university. I decided to skip all my classes. I had Surrealism and Dada, Post Modern Literature and Poetry: Romanticism. I thought I was the reincarnation of Lord Byron. Actually, I still do. Anyway, I skipped my classes that day and headed for the gym. I thought playing ball would be a good way to kill the day.

I arrived at the gym. There were lots of basketball games being played. At first I couldn't decide what game to include myself in. I didn't want to pick a court where I would be severely over matched. I wanted to pick a court where I could show off my skills. I wanted to make a good impression on the girls watching the games. I tried to decide. Should I include myself in the game with the fewest black people, or include myself in the game with the most chinese guys. It was probably the wrong decision but I included myself in the game with the fewest black people.

After all the introductions, we started playing. In the first minute of the game I threw a laser beam no look spinarama pass to the wingman cutting toward the basket. It was perfect. One basket for us on the strength of my bad-ass pass. The crowd took notice. I was stoked. As the game continued, in an effort to recapture that first glorious moment, I attempted no-look passes almost every time down the court. Unfortunately, none of my subsequent passes found their mark. I broke one guy's glasses. I smashed the ball off the head of another guy who wasn't even looking at me. I whipped the ball off the nose of a player who I thought was on my team but in fact was on the other.

It was so much fun. Way more fun than going to class could ever be. That first semester I practically skipped every class to play basketball.

I failed almost every course and was placed under academic suspension.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

daytrading message boards

Im getting pretty tired of the all the bullshit and scamming that goes on day-trading or investing message boards. I mean, there is a level of shadiness and half-truths that you have to expect on those forums cuz its an ideal means to meet a whole bunch of gullible people with disposable income. But now, now its getting waaaay out of control.

I mean, I could deal with the way it was before. A scam artist would be looking for a group of naive investors to dump their worthless shares on at a premium price. The scam artist would be touting a stock as a certain 2ble your money winner hoping to create an artificial demand for the the company's shares. I'd post a message exposing the scammer's plot and revealing his history of failed stock picks and predictions. The scammer would then proceed with threats to kill me. I'd respond with threats of fucking his mother.

Now its different. Now you have eeeeeveryone trying to pull the wool over everyone's eyes. Now you have everyone trying to be an internet personality. Everyone is saying now how they are day-traders; how they dont work and they kill it on every single stock trade. Fuck off. Its all bullshit. Why is everyone seeking the approval of other members of the message board and trying to get that approval with bullshit claims. I mean, you're never ever gonna meet the other members. Its not like they're gonna say "ohhhh,your internet claims of being a bad-ass make you sound sooooo cool. Come over here and let me give you oral".

I dont know. I'm just fucking hate everyone now.

By the way I finally got off the schnyde (sp?) so this frustration has nothing to do with that.

Saturday, February 09, 2008

The best date I can imagine

You come over to my house. We order and eat a tonne of Chinese food. We watch House of Flying Daggers. Sometime during our movie watching, your desire for my wang in your mouth overwhelms you and you jump me. We fuck a few times. You fall asleep and I watch tv for the rest of the night.

I wake up the next morning to find to you have already left... but not before cleaning my house and leaving me all the leftover Chinese food. I have the General Tsao's chicken for breakfast. Its delicious. I contemplate calling you back for some morning anal. I decide against it as I dont wanna risk the possibility of you taking it as an invitation to stay the entire day. I masturbate instead.

I re-enact all the fight scenes from House of Flying Daggers with a pillow. I kick the pillows ass. However, somehow the pillow has managed to bust my lip. Fucking pillow.

I turn on the tv. The basketball game is about to begin. I call the neighborhood bookie and bet a 50 on the team with the most black guys. I lose the 50. Luckily though I find your purse by my front door. I riffle through the purse's contents and take all the cash. $100. I take your purse and step outside. With all my strength I launch your purse as far as I can. I'm hoping it lands in my bookie's backyard. I cant tell for sure. I'll be happy though if it made it as far as the Mexican's house.

I step back inside my home and call the police. I tell them I overheard the neighbourhood bookie and the Mexican talk about how they stole a purse they found on the street. I tell them they plan on using the cash and credit cards to fund an existing gambling operation and to assist Pakistanis and Tamils in finding permanent residence in Nebraska.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Fuck, man. I've had, like, the jinx thrown on me. The last week everything I did in the markets turned out the exact opposite of what I intended. A total fucking mess. I'm totally fucking gun-shy now. Maybe its time I take a week or so off. I dunno.

This weekend was pretty cool. On Saturday, I went out to watch the UFC fight. I was particularly interested in watching Brock Lesnar fight. The guy has to be the biggest fucking guy I've ever seen in my life. If he's ever standing between you and daylight his gorilla chest will surely eclipse the sun.

Anyway, Lesnar lost due to his inexperience but he absolutely smashed the shit out of the guy his was fighting against before he left himself open for an ankle lock. Even though he lost, you can tell, one of these days, Lesnar is gonna end up fucking killing an opponent in the octagon.

Sunday was the Superbowl at Ho's house. That was awesome. All of us had the Giants
so it was fun to watch as the G-Men "shocked the world". We were using's in-play, real-time betting application so we had money on the Giants throughout the game at +8.5, +10.5, and +13.5.

The funniest part about the SuperBowl, I thought, occured during the half-time show when the 100's of paid extra's rushed the stage during the Tom Petty performance. Are we supposed to believe that hot looking 20 year olds know who the fuck Tom Petty is? I mean, really! It kills me when corporate America tries to manufacture special, "spontaneous" moments. Spare us the well-planned out bum rushing the stage. Save us the orchestrated waving of the lighters back and forth. Just let whatever happens, happen. This being said, I'm pretty sure Tommy Petty was dead and they were just "weekend at Bernieing" him. I could've swore I saw Andrew McCartney on stage.

So far, last week seems to have carried over into today as far as the markets go. Fuck, dude.

Maybe its time I take my fat ass to the gym again. Take my mind off the unbelievable shit streak I'm riding. Too bad HBC has gone visiting friends in DC. I could certainly use a fuck right about now.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Toronto School Board Trustees voted, yesterday, in approval of opening a "black focused" high school. The school is to open some time in 2009. Those in favor of this move say it may reduce the 40% drop out rate black students have in Toronto. Those who oppose the black focused school say segregation is not the answer. I guess I can see both arguments. However, I think one of the most important life skills high school teaches is how to interact with other individuals from different backgrounds. I mean, how else are black guys supposed to learn to pick up the fat white chicks with massive asses they covet so much?

I've also been pretty keen on following the elections in the States. I'm pretty confident that the hardcore right wing factions down south are shitting bricks at the prospects of having either a woman or a black man winning the office of President of the USA. The only thing that would make it more amusing would be if Hilary said she was converting to Judaism or if Obama said he was a flaming homosexual and spoke with a lisp. Totally awesome.

Today on the schedule I have, hopefully, 10 hours of uninterrupted DVD watching followed by a late dinner, with Hotblackchick, at the Mandarin. The Mandarin is great because all the staff is hardcore Chinese but the client base they cater to is mostly super white trash tramps and dealer whiteboys. Its a great mix.

Hopefully the evening will end off with some dick licking (by hotblackchick) and clueless clit sucking (by me). Perhaps if the mood strikes me, while I'm down there staring HBC eye to clit, I'll bust out into La Isla Bonita.

Monday, January 28, 2008

The Ultimate Fantasy Pop Duo

Too bad John Oates and Lionel Ritchie never formed a band, or collaborated on a song... or were featured in a porno together.

Imagine that? Totally rad.

Any female would be lucky to get tag-teamed by such fine specimens of mulatto mustaches.

You know what would be even better than Oates and Ritchie tag-teaming a broad? Oates and Ritchie doing it raw, nasty, gay, jungle style with each other!! Wicked.

Dont pretend you wouldn't watch. I'm not gay but I certainly would watch and probably purchase any related DVD or Box Set of Oates and Ritchie pounding each other in the ass. The sheer beauty of their butt love-making is something that would transcend sexual orientation.

The only other gay sex I would prefer to see more than the Oates and Ritchie combo is if Jean Luc Picard traveled through a wormhole and seduced his future or past self. Two Jean Luc Picards getting it on with each other would be smoking. Maybe then we would add Larry David to make it a menage, or would that be too much of a good thing? I dunno.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Easily the ugliest chick I've ever masturbated to...

In case you are wondering, yes that is the chick from Roxette. I have no idea what I was thinking. Maybe it was the drugs, or peer pressure or maybe it was the mass marketing of the pop group that brainwashed me into thinking the Roxette chick was hot.

It was probably a combination of all three.

Speaking of chicks I masturbate to, anyone see the new Ciara video? The one where she is lying on her side and just pounding the floor with her vag with that total non committal expression on her face like she's saying "yeah, so what? I can shatter cinder blocks with my vag if I wanted to. You got a problem with that?" Totally hot.

Lastly, things between me and hotblackchick are a little weird. I think she is quite happy. I mean, why wouldn't she be? I'm one studly piece of hot beef injection. Yeah, she is definitely happy. I am not so much. Even the sex is just sorta okay for me. Sometimes I make up games to occupy my mind while we make sweet sweet white guy on black chick love. The other night while I was giving it to her 3/4 angle style I thought to myself "okay, Hootch, give it to her good, brother. Make love to her like a black man would". I chuckled a little to myself as that train of thought caught me completely off guard.

"Make love to her like a black man? What exactly does that mean," I continued my interior monologue. I decided to play with her tits a little to make her think I was still paying attention to our love making. "Make love to her like a black man? Does than mean I should impregnate her and never call her again? Maybe it means I should just sing some R n' B songs to her". I contemplated singing Seal's Kissed by a Rose to her as we were now doggie styling it. Maybe something by Sade or Shaka Khan would be more appropriate.

"Shaka Khan, let me rock you, let me rock you Shaka Khan,
Let me rock you thats all I wanna do,
Shaka Khan, let me rock you, let me rock you Shaka Khan,
Let me rock you let me feel for you"

In the end I decided to fuck her like I imagine Billy Dee Williams fucks. I got totally wasted on Colt 45, and passed out on her cushion pillow ass.

Friday, January 18, 2008

I'm pretty sure I'd throw it to Hilary Clinton

Is it just me or do Chelsea Clinton and Alfred E Neuman look exactly the same?

Bill's thoughts as he's looking at Hilary: I am so gonna doggie style Lewinski, tonight.

Speaking of Bill, does anyone know what he did with those cigars he fucked Lewinski with? I think it'd be hilarious if he gave them out to all the closet nazi's in the government.

ClosetNazi: Mmmm, this cigar here, Bill, is damn smooth.

Clinton: SURPRISE!!! I've been marinating the tip of that cigar in Monica Lewinski's pussy juice.

Maybe they can make a reality tv show out of it, like they did with Punk'd. They can call it Pussy Juiced. Come on. Admit it. Thats awesome.

Rush Limbaugh: You know, Bill, if your wife or that nigger become the next President of the United States I may have to pick up my belongings and move to Mexico or something. Buy a few slaves and just live the good life as god intended, you know voicing my opinions on issues I know nothing about and just generally being an asshole hypocrite. Hmmmm, damn, Bill!! This cigar is good. Is it Cuban?

Bill: AAAHAHAHA, SURPRISE LIMABAUGH!! That cigar, between your lips, has been soaking in my wife's vagina the past 12 hours. YOU'VE JUST BEEN PUSSY JUICED!!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

I got the hootchie-cootchie blues

I have the movie Black Snake Moan stuck on repeat. Its fucking awesome. If you combine this with the fact I've been "auditioning" strippers for Sterg's birthday party this weekend, its no surprise I've taken to singing and recording half-made up blues songs into my phone while buried in the corners of Toronto's finest shitholes. Here are the only two girls/songs I remember:

Have you seen my baby
they call her LuluAnne,
I say, have you seen my baby
they call her LuluAnne,
she got a fistful of 20s
and break the heart of every man.

Have you seen my baby
they call her Paradise,
I say, have you seen my baby
they call her Paradise,
Dont need no other chacha
cuz, oh man, she jack so nice

Its, like, I'm the reincarnation of Blind Lemon Jefferson.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Shoot'em Up

Of man, Shoot'em Up was fucking great. Among many of the positives, Clive Owens was terrific as an action hero. The lone negative, Monica Bellucci may have put in the worse acting performance in the history of film, thankfully though her tits looked magnificent.

Not to nit-pick or anything but I'm not sure what the deal was with Monica Bellucci's hairstyle. The straight bangs across her forehead look wasn't doing it for me. I dont want to be mean or anything but I would only rate Bellucci's physical appearance in Shoot'em Up as a half an ounce of jizz out of my standard 1.267 ounces of jizz per ejaculate. Clearly she is capable of so much better. Bellucci has the ability to force the jizz-o-meter off the charts by tapping into my emergency reserve of jizzwad if she really wanted to. For instance:

OMG!!! Captain, the jizz-o-meter cant take the pressure. Pre-ejaculate readings are indicating 3 ounces of hot jizz about to be ejaculated... 4 ounces now... the pre-ejaculate indicators keep moving up, Captain. 5 ounces of jizz and the readings keep rising. Half a pint!!! We just hit pre-ejaculate readings of half a pint. Captain, we're gonna blow and cause serious internal injuries. We need to do something quick!!!

Oh, thank Heavens. Good thinking, Captain. Jizz-o-meter readings are rapidly falling. We are in absolute no danger of going off. Although now I'm pretty sure we've just turned gay, but one problem at a time, eh?

Friday, January 04, 2008


I finished watching Eastern Promises yesterday. I thought it was pretty great. It had a lot of similarities with A History of Violence. I thought it was interesting how both movies explore similar themes of alternate identities and the family unit vs organized crime.

Working from memory, these two films have been quite different from Cronenberg's previous efforts, which I haven't really been a fan of. I'm wondering if there was a specific catalyst that resulted in him working on these two films that deal with a definitive good vs a definitive evil as opposed to his other movies where those concepts are more ambiguous.

I picked up a few more movies yesterday including Collateral, which I thought was fucking great and deserves to be mentioned among Jamie Fox and Tom Cruise's best movies, and Shoot'em Up. I wasn't gonna get Shoot'em Up but I flipped to the back of the cover and saw a picture of a sprawled out Monica Belluci wearing fishnet stockings. 'Nough said.

I'm gonna be pissed if Shoot'em Up is as shit as Smokin Aces.

Set up a 2nd blog strictly to document my strategies and plays. Have a look if you like. Ask questions, whatever - Guerilla Daytrading.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Alright. So, whats going on? Hitting that 15% on RIM has basically allowed me to fuck off the previous week and a bit. I did some DVD shopping. I picked up The Kingdom which was a huge disappointment. On tap for today is Eastern Promises which I'm looking forward to watching. I loved History of Violence so I'm hoping Eastern Promises captures, at least a little bit of that same intrigue.

Me and the fellas hit up a new rippers a few days ago. That was pretty fun. I've never seen Sterg so smashed before in my life.

Hootch: (approaching a stripper) Excuse me. If you are not too busy I'd like to get my friend a few dances from you, if that's ok?

Stripper: Sure, baby.

Hootch: I'm Hootch. What's your name?

Stripper: Hi Hootch. I'm Lola (we shake hands).

Hootch: (we approach Sterg, who is sucking back what I'm pretty sure is essentially straight rubbing alcohol) Hey, Sterg. Our friend here is gonna take you in the back for a while.

Sterg: Awesome.

Lola: Hi, sweetie. I'm Lola

Sterg: Hi Cobra.

Ahh fuck. I just about died of laughter - Cobra, the stripper, thats awesome.

I'm thinking about starting a 2nd blog where I'll document my stock plays and general thoughts on trading. Maybe that'll be a good way of organizing my ideas.

The only 2 stocks I'm rolling with now is RailPower Technologies and Kinross Gold. I just bought RailPower yesterday at 70 cents. It has a lot of positive momentum behind it. Several days ago the Ontario Teachers Pension Plan decided to invest 35 million dollars in the company. This acted as a catalyst for the stock's recent move. Alot of big money follows the OTPP. I have my stop/loss in at 75 cents but I really hope the stock keeps moving upward for the next few days as I really hate scouring the markets looking for my next run.

Kinross I also bought yesterday at 19.55. I bought in a little late in the gold rally yesterday, but I hope the positive momentum will carry over into today.

Show time. I gotsta go.