Friday, November 23, 2007

a play to spark things up again with newcootch

In an effort to remedy my medical condition scientifically know as "blue balls". I invited NewCootch over to my house yesterday after work. I told her we can watch some DVDs and hang out. She agreed and met me at my house around 11 last night.

Again, the plan was to watch a few episodes of Family Guy and hopefully, by the end of the night, we'd be banging it doggie-style to Season 5 of The Gilmore Girls. Here is what happened:

Hootch: You alright?

NewCootch: Yeah.

Hootch: You comfortable and everything?

NC: Yeah, thanks.

Hootch: So, ahhhh... whatchu saying?

NC: Oh. My. Gawd.

Hootch: What?

NC: You want to have sex.

Hoootch: What?!?

NC: You want to have sex. HAHAHA, I knew it!! Thats why you invited me over here tonight. Cuz you thought, what? That'd I'd come over, watch a dvd, have something to eat and then, what? I'd just suck you off or something?

Hootch: (well, I was kinda hoping...) I... I.. I am insulted. I thought "we haven't seen each other in a while so it would be nice to just catch up. Thats all.

NC: Yeah, right.

Hootch: Whatever, like you dont want to anyway.

NC: Ahhh, excuse me. I have a boyfriend.

Hootch: Whatever, if you knew I wanted to have sex, but you didn't, why did you come over here then?

NC: I was hoping I was wrong. And I was hoping you had matured a little.

Hootch: Oh, come on. Dont give me that bullshit again... is it that same guy you are seeing?

NC: Who?

Hootch: The weirdo.

NC: Geoffrey is not weird. He is sensitive and romantic.

Hootch: What, and I'm not?!!?

NC: No, Hootch, you are not. In your blog you referred to me as "NewCootch", that doesn't qualify you as sensitive or romantic. On the other hand, do you know what Geoffrey gave me the other day?

Hootch: The clap?

NC: It was raining one night and he went outside and collected a bottle of rainwater and labeled it "November 15, 2007 - an evening with NewCootch". Isn't that romantic?

Hootch: That is the gayest fucking thing I have ever heard.

NC: Figures you would think so.

Hootch: I hope you haven't slept with him yet.

NC: We've only been seeing each other a little while now, so of course I haven't slept with him.

Hootch: Good.

NC: I've only blown him.

Hootch: I just cant win lately. I'm going to the bathroom to jack myself a soda.


kismetic said...

I'm sorry your ex-girlfriend thinks contrived overtures/possibly psychotic tenedencies are romantic. If it makes you feel any better, there are still girls out there who'd rather get banged doggie style than pretend to think collecting rainwater is not disgusting but romantic.

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

kismetic - THANK YOU!! You have restored my faith in the female gender. Besides, who said a good doggie-style while watching tv isn't romantic?

Me said...

For some reason, whenever I hear someone say "the clap," I feel the need to laugh. God only knows what that says about me.

And I'm with you...collecting rainwater and giving it as a gift? Come least you dropped $35 dollars on the Gilmore Girls DVD in an attempt to get into her pants. He's not even willing to do that!


Franki said...

Didn't I tell you that Family Guy is not going to get a girl in the mood?
You gotta go with Indiana Jones.

And romantic rainwater is super gay.

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

me - newcootch is so fine I would have dropped $40, $45, $50 on her... okay, maybe not $50, but $45 for sure and a few free movie passes at the 20 year old movie theatre (wednesday matinee movies only).

franki - I know, you were right. I made an executive decision and the result was an evening with palmella.

Yo Momma said...

the clap! ahahahahahaha!

You mean to tell me that a fine evening of Family Guy, food and the prospect of doing it doggy style on the couch isn't romantic?????

Throw in a little ass slapping with the doggy style and that's practically a marriage proposal to me.

Freak Magnet said...

Okay, *I* like hokey, but that rainwater shit? THAT would have gotten The Look. You know, the one that says, "You're fucking kidding me, right?"

J7 L7+ said...

Rainwater? What a tool.

Sounds like you could've got some with this girl if you had rose petals scattered on the couch and Kenny G playing softly in the background.

Anonymous said...

Maybe next time you should try to watch something a little more SpongeBob!

Melissa said...

I hope you know how to jack it with both hands, because at this point - and with these skills - that's the only way you'll be getting any variety. Or relief.

2 Dollar Productions said...

"sensitive and romantic" typically leads to bizarre and disturbing behaviour like the rainwater thing.

It's better to be anything else without stooping to that level.

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

yo momma - I'm not ashamed to say I gotta little wood reading your comment :)

freak magnet - by "the look" I'm hoping you mean the "Ima throw you out of my house look" rather than the "I'd like to get better aquanted with your nutsack look".

J7 - exactly. maybe next time I'll run outside to my garden scoop up a pile of dirt in a bottle and label it "dirt collected before we 69ed"

preposterous - spongebob would make me think too much about contraception and the possibility of it failing.

melissa - I think I need to sharpen up my game. I need to by a Sade CD.

$2 - for sure. I fully expect to be reading about this guy as a prime suspect is some type of murder spree.