Tuesday, December 11, 2007

My attmepts to pick up the bartender at the staff xmas party

Making my way over to the buffet table, I notice the quesidilla wraps are right beside a type of food I'm not familiar with. I try and figure out what the mystery dish is but all I can conclude, in my inebriated state, is that its small, round and must go together with the quesidilla wrap.

I put two of the round mystery items in my quesidilla wrap. The bartender comes over also looking to get something to eat.

Bartender: Are you putting pierogies in your quesidilla?!?

Hootch: Listen, yo. I dont even know what a pierogi is, but this shit right here, this combination... is fucking delicious.

Bartender: A pierogi is what you're putting in your quesidilla.

Hootch: Oh... well then yeah. I guess I am. I guess I am putting pierogies in my quesidilla. Why... you're not supposed to?

Bartender: No, you're not.

Hootch: Well you should cuz this shit is fucking good. You know what would make it even better?

Waitress: I'm afraid to ask.

Hootch: Well, you dont have to ask, Joanie, I'll tell you.

Waitress: Did you just call me "Joanie"?

Hootch: A little honey-mustard and like... PLOW, this might be the greatest dish ever created, you know? Rachel Ray, my balls, bitch.

Waitress: (trying some pierogies in her quesidilla wrap) Hmmmm, you know. This is good.

Hootch: I told you.

Waitress: I would have never guessed it. that honey-mustard suggestion is gross though.

Hootch: Oh well, whatever. You know, I feel a little guilty, cuz I haven't even given you any fair warning or anything.

Waitress: Warning over what?

Hootch: I haven't given you any fair warning over the fact that I'm wearing Axe deoderant and Tag body spray.

Waitress: What?

Hootch: I'm wearing Axe deoderant and Tag body spray, so if you and your friend feel the overwhelming urge to group sex me, dont hold back on my account. Its alright. I'm cool with it.

Waitress: No thanks. I'd rather link up with the pierogi and the honey-mustard.

Hootch: .....

Waitress: ...

Hootch: Lesbian.


Me said...

I'm off to Google pierogi...

I swear. Why can't you be at any of the holiday parties I get stuck going to???

Oh my. My word verification is "gotccks". Awesome. :)

Franki said...

You are hirarious. Please come over here and try to pick me up, cuz the a-holes over here never, ever make me laugh, on purpose.

But I gotta ask. Why'dja call her Joanie? To your Chachi?

2 Dollar Productions said...

That's great. Although I can't say the pierogi quesadilla sounds that good, but if you've been drinking then there are tons of brutal food combinations I've concocted over the years.

But it seems like crap that you pass on a culinary tip like that one, and it didn't get your further.

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

Me - "gotccks" great slogan for my nutsack chaps

franki - exactamundo, joanie/chachi. I'd love to give it a shot but I'm afraid of the, almost certain, kick in the nuts I'll receive for my efforts.

$2 - I know. That does suck. Everytime, I'll have a pierogi quesidilla I'll think of her.

Franki said...

A little kick in the nuts is good for a guy every once in a while, no?