Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Easily the ugliest chick I've ever masturbated to...

In case you are wondering, yes that is the chick from Roxette. I have no idea what I was thinking. Maybe it was the drugs, or peer pressure or maybe it was the mass marketing of the pop group that brainwashed me into thinking the Roxette chick was hot.

It was probably a combination of all three.

Speaking of chicks I masturbate to, anyone see the new Ciara video? The one where she is lying on her side and just pounding the floor with her vag with that total non committal expression on her face like she's saying "yeah, so what? I can shatter cinder blocks with my vag if I wanted to. You got a problem with that?" Totally hot.

Lastly, things between me and hotblackchick are a little weird. I think she is quite happy. I mean, why wouldn't she be? I'm one studly piece of hot beef injection. Yeah, she is definitely happy. I am not so much. Even the sex is just sorta okay for me. Sometimes I make up games to occupy my mind while we make sweet sweet white guy on black chick love. The other night while I was giving it to her 3/4 angle style I thought to myself "okay, Hootch, give it to her good, brother. Make love to her like a black man would". I chuckled a little to myself as that train of thought caught me completely off guard.

"Make love to her like a black man? What exactly does that mean," I continued my interior monologue. I decided to play with her tits a little to make her think I was still paying attention to our love making. "Make love to her like a black man? Does than mean I should impregnate her and never call her again? Maybe it means I should just sing some R n' B songs to her". I contemplated singing Seal's Kissed by a Rose to her as we were now doggie styling it. Maybe something by Sade or Shaka Khan would be more appropriate.

"Shaka Khan, let me rock you, let me rock you Shaka Khan,
Let me rock you thats all I wanna do,
Shaka Khan, let me rock you, let me rock you Shaka Khan,
Let me rock you let me feel for you"

In the end I decided to fuck her like I imagine Billy Dee Williams fucks. I got totally wasted on Colt 45, and passed out on her cushion pillow ass.


Anonymous said...

I needed a laugh. Thank you.

Franki said...

i've had 2 large glasses of wine, a white russian and a few sips of pepe lopez tequila, both warm and cold. consequently, this post is killing me.

sorry to hear sex with hot black chick is not hot black with hootch sex.

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

jenn - glad I could help.

franki - s'alright. I bang her just for street cred.

Yo Momma said...

YOu could have masturbated to worse...you could have masturbated to that guy from Roxette.

Shak...Shaka Khan...Shaka Khan...

that song always gets me in the mood.

2 Dollar Productions said...

I used to think that chick from Roxette was hot too, altough I can't say she ever drove me to that level.

And interior monlogues can be detrimental during sex as the mind can wander too far, although in this case, it worked as asking about Billy Dee is never a bad thing.

J7 L7+ said...

Hootch, you're fucking brilliant dude. God, I wouldn't, couldn't unleash my fuck monologues. The world ain't ready for that funhouse.

lastlifeinmyuniverse said...

is that surprising? i mean.. you did think i was hot. ha ha ha.. nevermind.

Charlie Shame said...

good thoughts on the Colt 45, as it might have been difficult to jam her from prison.

PS. Shai - "If I Ever Fall in Love" also works every time.

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

yo momma - I think the guy and girl may have been cloned from the same turd.

$2 - yeah, those "did I just say that out loud" moments are never a good thing.

j7 - I'm willing to bet we have a few similar trains of thought in our warped little minds.

lastlife - if you ever straddle my mustache I'm gonna sing something by Glen Meideros for you.

Charlie Shame - I'll file it alphabetically to the list of songs I sing, while piledriving, right nest to Rick Astley

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

It was all worth it for that last paragraph. Lightning BOLT!

Man, I need to come here more often. The last I read, you were still WORKING ON GETTING that chick.

Now, you're already bored with her.