Thursday, May 08, 2008

basketball diaries

Last night I ventured out of my hole and visited the "Y". I planned to spend a quiet evening shooting a few baskets. Maybe afterward if I had time I would hit the crosstraining machine. That was the plan, anyway.

I stepped in the Y. It was fucking jammed. The locker room was ridiculous. We were like sardines in there. Making matters worse was the fact that every second guy was naked. I felt like I just stepped onto the set of a gay porno. I began to feel a little anxious. "Ok", I thought "should I just do what you're supposed to do when you get thrown in prison for the first time? Should I knock the fuck out of some unsuspecting stranger as fair warning for all not to violate my personal space? Maybe I'll throw in a solid ass rape for good measure".

Thankfully though I I found an empty locker, changed clothes and got the fuck out of dodge before I had to lay the wood on some fuck who doesn't know any better than to come within a 2 ft radius of me when not wearing underwear. Its not like I'm homophobic or anything. Its just that if any part of your dick touches me, guy-code stipulates that I must beat the shit out of you then fuck your girlfriend and/or any female member of your family. I'm not homophobic, at all. Some of my best friends suck wang.

The basketball courts were crowded. All the courts had games going on them. I wouldn't be able to shoot/practice by myself on a court, like I wanted. The only way I could play was if I teamed up with two other guys and challenged the winning team on one of the courts. I didn't know anyone in the gym and it looked like everyone else had their 3s. Shit. Just as I thought about heading back home I was approached by 3 Chinese dudes. Collectively they may have weighed about as much as a chopstick.

Chinese1: (spoken with an accent) Are you looking for a team?

Hootch: Yeah.

Chinese1: Do you wanna play with us?

Hootch: Uhhh, ok. Dont you already have 3 though?

Chinese1: Not anymore. Vincent broke his glasses during the last game.

Hootch: That sucks. How did he break them?

Chinese1: That guy (pointing to one of the players on the court) hit him with an elbow in the eye.

Hootch: Ah. If we play that guy again we'll kill his team.

Chinese1: You think so?

Hootch: Ahh, hell yeah. All we have to do is play defense and communicate between the three of us at all times. Vincent can help by being, like, our coach.

Chinese1: Very good.

Hootch: We'll do good. By the way, I'm Hootch.

Chinese1: Oh, hello. I am Charles and our third is Matthew.

Hootch: Hey guys, nice to meet you.

Chinese1: Oh, one thing, Hootch.

Hootch: Whats that, brother.

Chinese1: Vincent and Matthew dont speak any english.


lastlifeinmyuniverse said...

what's the matter wit you, fool? don't you know who to come to when you wanna speak chai-nee!?


Anonymous said...

I am sure you're not homophobic. You seem to have an underlaying attraction to Asian boys though judging by the way you like to check them out and point out their features.

Heidenschneckenbaum said...

You should probably go out and bang the first female you come across to backup your masculinity.

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

lastlife - when do we begin my private lessons?

anonymous - oh, you got me. Good one.
What gave me away? Man, you are good!

heiden - I should.

Christine said...

What? You don't have "learn chinese in ten easy seconds" on your itunes? For shame.

Yo Momma said...

LOL at your response to anon! tee hee.

You know I think the gestures for "kick him in the nuts" and "elbow his nose" is pretty universal.

btw i might have to take you up on that nyc show offer. I think I'm going back around august. you think you can hook it up oh homophobic one?? ;p

Yo Momma said...

um. I just realized that I already asked you to hook me up on your last post.

I'm officially annoying.

sorry about that.

Anonymous said...

HAHA. I've missed reading your blog. Glad I stopped by. (kattbanjo)