Monday, January 07, 2008

Shoot'em Up

Of man, Shoot'em Up was fucking great. Among many of the positives, Clive Owens was terrific as an action hero. The lone negative, Monica Bellucci may have put in the worse acting performance in the history of film, thankfully though her tits looked magnificent.

Not to nit-pick or anything but I'm not sure what the deal was with Monica Bellucci's hairstyle. The straight bangs across her forehead look wasn't doing it for me. I dont want to be mean or anything but I would only rate Bellucci's physical appearance in Shoot'em Up as a half an ounce of jizz out of my standard 1.267 ounces of jizz per ejaculate. Clearly she is capable of so much better. Bellucci has the ability to force the jizz-o-meter off the charts by tapping into my emergency reserve of jizzwad if she really wanted to. For instance:

OMG!!! Captain, the jizz-o-meter cant take the pressure. Pre-ejaculate readings are indicating 3 ounces of hot jizz about to be ejaculated... 4 ounces now... the pre-ejaculate indicators keep moving up, Captain. 5 ounces of jizz and the readings keep rising. Half a pint!!! We just hit pre-ejaculate readings of half a pint. Captain, we're gonna blow and cause serious internal injuries. We need to do something quick!!!

Oh, thank Heavens. Good thinking, Captain. Jizz-o-meter readings are rapidly falling. We are in absolute no danger of going off. Although now I'm pretty sure we've just turned gay, but one problem at a time, eh?


Franki said...

That was just plain ol' wrong Hootch!

Beauty and the Beast.

kismetic said...

How many times can you say jizz before it stops being funny?

Answer: Trick question, it's always funny.

Melissa said...

I still hold strongly to my belief that Ann Coulter should be fucked hard and shit on.

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

franki - I know what you're thinking "OMG, he doesn't like bangs", but dont worry I would still sooo make out with you ;)

Kismetic - you as well, if I wasn't afraid charlie shame would break into my house and kill me in my sleep.

melissa - ditto the above. I'll also happily supply the shit for Coulter if someone wants to supply the fucking.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

one time i was watching ann coulter, and i think one of my ovaries exploded because it was ashamed of being a female, and thus having something in common with ann.

2 Dollar Productions said...

Love Monice Bellucci. Her acting ability is another matter entirely.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I love me some Ann Coulter. Smart, pretty, sexy.

Sorry, Idig. I gotta be me.

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

tequila - its alright. I forgive you.

$2 - Bellucci may be the best looking 40+ year old woman in the world.

lightning bug - I can appreciate you sticking up for your girl. It'll be something we have to disagree on.

Franki said...'re so sweet.

J7 L7+ said...

Bwa ha ha ha!

lastlifeinmyuniverse said...

would it help if you put a paper bag over coulter's head?

just wondering.

Jeen Yes said...

i was going to drop a note on Monice Bellucci, 'cause her rack was magnificent in that otherwise god awful movie (a carrot? really?), but then i continued to read and saw a picture of mann coulter and nearly lost whatever i'd eaten for the day. if she's not a man, then i need to revisit anatomy class. ugh. what a despicable whore.