Alright. So listen.
I'm sitting in front of my computer, today at my job, pretending to work, when all I'm really doing is imagining the women in my office naked. Yes, even the ugly ones - naked. Absolutely, even the ones I initially thought were men - naked. And yes, even the ones I'm still not entirely convinced actually have vaginas - buck naked.
Now, to the casual observer it may appear that I am focused on the task at hand and fulfilling my corporate slave responsibilities, but those who know me well would be able to detect the tell tell-signs of my slacking.
Tell-tale sign #1: breathing. Yes, there it is dear reader, if I am breathing you can rest assured I am not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Even now I am supposed to be drafting a proposal for a multi-million dollar deal but instead I am inappropriately touching myself and thinking of names I can give my penis. All my friends have given their penises (peni?) names, why the fuck shouldn't mine have one? My penis going without a name for so long has actually caused quite a few uncomfortable moments.
Uncomfortable moment #1: Just the other week, me and my male friends had gathered at my best friends house to watch the game. As we normally do on such occasions we said our "hellos" and our "how are yous" and then started undressing each other. And just as all guys do when they gather to watch the big game, we sit around the big screen, naked, hold hands and talk about our feelings:
friend#1: Bobby, you ok. You look a little sad?
Bobby: No, I'm okay...Its just that...you remember Samantha, my girlfriend? Well just the other night we were in bed and I asked her to ...well... you know...go down on my one-eyed cyclops and she said "no". She said it was "ugly and smelled like dirty Kentucky Fried Chicken".
friend#2: Oh, that bitch!!
friend#3: It does not smell like dirty Kentucky friend chicken, Bobby. I always thought your penis smelled like a bouquet of daffodils.
friend#2: Bobby, if it'll make you feel any better...I will suck you off. Your feelings mean that much to me. I WILL SUCK YOU OFF RIGHT HERE MISTER, IF THATS WHAT IT TAKES!!
Bobby: Thanks guys. Its not just that. Its the fact that she also said "one-eyed cyclops" is adumb name for a penis.
friend#3: Whaaat?! You got a terrific name for your penis, Bobby. Tell him hootch.
Hootch: Well...ahhh...I dunno...it may not be such a bad idea to at least consider changing your penis' name. I mean, one-eyed cyclops doesn't really even make much sense. All cyclops have one eye. It is kind of a dumb name.
friend#!: NOOOO HOOTCH!!
Bobby: Well at least my penis, unlike yours, has a name, Hootch!
friend#2: Wha?! Whats he talkng about Hootch? Whats Bobby talking about? You haven't named your penis? What kind of animal are you. No. That cant be. Tell him Hootch. Tell him your penis has a name. I mean you promised me you'd name your penis, Hootch. You promised me.
Hootch: Well...actually I haven't got around to naming my penis yet.
friend#2: You wha!?!
Hootch: I was gonna tell you, man, honest I was, but I couldn't find the right time.
friend#2: No. Me and you are through. I have no more Hootch in my life. How can you do this to me. How can you.....HOOOOOOOOOTCH!!!!
I cant believe I made myself late for work for the above.