Friday, June 16, 2006

To The Big, Black, Drug Dealer Living On My Street

To the big, black drug dealer living on my street,

Thank you for not killing me.

Thank you also for always being polite to my mom. I remember one evening I was walking with my mom and she saw your pimped out Lexus in front of your house. She read the stenciling on the front windshield of your car and asked me "Hootch, why does he have Herbalist written on his car?" I told her " I dunno, ma. I think he may be a pharmacist".

So...now my mom thinks you're a pharmacist. If she ever asks you for any medical or pharmaceutical advice please do not give her any crack or xtasy. In exchange for doing me this favour, next time we play basketball, I promise not to beat you so bad. I also promise not to tell anyone you have really shitty taste in music. I mean, the reggae you play from your island homeland is pretty cool, but when you try and switch it up and go North American top 40 pop...thats when the train falls off its tracks. Blasting Ryan Cabrera from your kick-ass stero is not cool. Heck, I know I have my guilty pleasures, like digging Ashlee Simpson, but alot of that can be explained by my not so secret desire to bone her. So, really, in my mind, there is no reason for you to like Ryan Cabrera's music, unless of course you want to bone him - which is completely insane because you are really big and muscular and black and we all know there is no such thing as a really big, muscular, black, gay drug dealer. Right? I mean, homosexuals are supposed to be thin-framed white guys with no muscle mass to speak of with their shirts tucked into their neatly creased dockers. Right? I mean, come on, tell me I'm right. You are not gay, right?? Right??

RIGHT???

oh Lord.

To the big, black, gay, drug dealer living on my street,

Please do not kill me.

8 comments:

Me said...

Ah, your mom cracks me up.

Now, if the drug dealer turns out to be gay, you may not have to worry about him killing you. You might have to dodge his advances and worry about him killing you with love, but that's totally different. ;)

Freak Magnet said...

I knew a woman whose kids would spike her diet coke with acid. She thought it was hilarious.

And have you given up the cootch for hootch, Hootch?

Melissa said...

Hello, don't you remember Big Gay Al? Rock Hudson? Damon Wayans? Oh wait, Damon isn't gay he's just this big delicious black man that played a gay man on tv. Oh well... two snaps up, baby.

X. said...

talking about big black gay guys... I always wondered how Magic Johnson got AIDS (really sad event) do you think he is gay !????

Lowry said...

It would be halarious if he turned out to be gay, like that muscular guy from Friday After Next.

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

me - ya, my mom. I love her, but she's completely insane

freak magnet - no havn't given up on the previous account. I just needed to wait in order to see how things would play out. maybe in a few days I'll give an update on that whole situation. thanks foor asking tho.

melissa - yep. the damon wayans character was one of the few I liked from In Living Colour. However, I really dig the fact that you commonly allude to old tv programs in you comments. Your Perfect Strangers reference, several weeks ago, brought a smile to my face as it was one of my pops' favorite shows.

X - hey brother. How did Magic get aids? Add subpar intelligence with a ton of disposable income, mix with dirty hoes and there is your formula for disaster

Lowry - are you talking about Zeus? The big cross-eyed black guy?

Melissa said...

Hootch, your dad was good people, Cousin Larry and Balki rocked.

the big, black, gay, drug dealer living on your street said...

I'm gonna run up in you....Deep... Like a bitch....Boy.