Monday, June 26, 2006

Kim, The Chick With The Tits, In A Completely Unstructured, Unedited and Shitty Part III

Alright. Its time to wrap up some of these dumb-ass half-finished stories I started. I'll start with the one from the wedding. You remember the chick with the killer tits?

Okay, so the complex where the reception was taking place was fuckin huge. It held 4 very large halls. And on that particilar saturday all the halls were booked with weddings, so the joint was packed with wannabe gangsters and Eurotrash chicks. Me and the girl with the tits (Kim) had decided to take a walk and investigate the other weddings that were taking place. Each hall we stopped at we made sure to hit the bar and grab at least a couple of drinks. By the time we had reached the last hall I was rocking a pretty good buzz.

As we were approaching the doors to walk into the last hall I saw a "friend" from the past. The last thing I wanted to do was make small talk with the guy. He was also walking towards the door for the hall.

"Aww fuck" I said.
"Whatsa matter?" Kim asked.
"Nothing, nothing. Just lets hurry up and get inside"

Once inside I explained to Kim what the deal was. I told her that guy was named Gus and in grade 11 or 12 we were best friends. We did everything together. One of our favorite activites was climbing into Gus's IROC and heading down to the corner of Church and Jarvis where all the grade "A" hookers in Toronto looked to score their tricks. At first we just drove by at regular speed trying to catch a glimpse of some cleavage or something, but then we became more "brazen" and decided to slow our roll in order to catch a good peek (I felt like we were on a fuckin safari). I tried to convince Gus to park the car and approach the hookers on foot just to shoot the shit to see what they'd say. But naww, he nixed that idea right away.

I remember one time we got caught at a red traffic light. It was a hot summer's day and I had the window rolled all the way down. There were 2 or 3 hookers just hanging out on the corner, no more than 15 ft to our right. I was loaded. I leaned out the window and said "hellooooo ladies" (or something stupid like that). Gus grabs me by the shirt and hisses and shits himself "what are you doing? Dont make them come over here!! They might have AIDS. Dont let them breathe in the car". And as he was saying these things he was hitting the automatic controls of the IROC attempting to roll up the windows as I was pissing my pants laughing trying to keep them open.

Anyway...what the fuck was I saying? Oh yeah, we were best friends. That is until one summer when Gus fuckin back-stabbed me. Quickly, we both liked the same girl (we'll call her shit4brains) but we also agreed neither of us would make a play for her. The very next fucking week I see him and shit4brains holding hands. My heart instantly dropped to the pit of my gut. I asked him "yo, Gus. What the fuck, man?" He just looked at me and said "oh ya. Me and shit4brains are going out. Didn't I tell you?" They went out for two years until Gus cheated on shit4brains with her bestfriend. Since then, acording to speculation and rumours, both shit4brains and Gus have had a series of really shitty relationships.

I explain all this to Kim, without making myself sound like the douche I sound like now and we continue to drink.

The DJ starts playing a few slow songs. I ask Kim if she wants to dance. She says "yes". We move out on the dance floor. I wrap one hand around the small of her back and place my other hand on her waist/hip. Mid-way into the song she says to me "dont turn around". Of course the second she says this I turn around and find myself face to face with Gus. He is dancing with some miserable cow (Its called Karma, motherfucker, now eat it!!)

Holy shit this post has gone on way too fuckin long. Time to wrap it up quickly (if anyone is stilll left reading).

scene: in the parkinglot. I'm waiting for my sister so we can go home. Kim is waiting for her family to take her home.

Hootch: Maybe I can get your number so I can call you and we can do something soon?
Kim: Sure. Lemme program it into your phone (she grabs my phone)
H: So this is your number? If I call this number tomorrow its not gonna be some pizza joint or something, right?
K: Its my number.
H: Cuz if I call this number tomorrow, thinking its yours, and some motherfucker picks up the phone and says "Mario's pizza, can I take your order" I'm gonna fuckin die.
K: Would you chilax. Its my number I told you (she gives me my phone back).
H: (I look at her number) Hey, where exactly in Toronto do you live? The first three digits of our numbers are the same.
K: (kim laughs) Holy!! You still dont recognize me do you. I've been giving you hints all evening!
H: Recognize you?! What do you mean?
K: I live across the street from you, stupid. I'm Roy's daughter!!
H: (on the verge of hyperventalating) Roy's daughter!?! You cant be Roy's daughter. Roy's daughter is, like, 12!!!
Kim: Whatever. I just turned 21.
H: Holyyy fuck. You're Roy's daughter?!?! Why didn't you tell me? If your father finds out he would fuckin kill me.
K: No he wouldn't. My dad likes you.
H: Yeah, thats because I dont fool around with his 12 year old daughter. If I was your dad..if I was your dad, I would fucking kill me.
K: Would you stop calling me 12. If you call me 12 again I'm gonna tell my dad that we fucked.
H: (I find this funny and laugh) Yeah, I can just imagine "dad, you know all those mornings when you thought I was going to school or work? Well I've really just been going across the street to Hootch's house where we fuck all day and watch cartoons"
K: Maybe I can come over next weekend and we can rent a video and smoke a little joint, or something?
H: What?!?! Wait a second. Who is that young guy with the shitbox car thats over at your house almost everyday?
K: Who, Tommy? He's my boyfriend.
H: (laughing) You kill me, Kim.
K: So what about the weed and the movie next weekend.
H: Yeah, sure...thats whats happening.

6 comments:

Melissa said...

21? Chilax?

Seriously?

And Gus is a bitch.

Lowry said...

You had me hooked at Tits.

This is probably the longest post that wasn't a list that I didn't skim through. Anyway, I don't think you sounded like a douche at all (don't take it to heart, though. A compliment from a confused 20-year-old like that isn't much)

I agree with melissa, Gus is a bitch.

Me said...

Oh my freaking God! I love it...all of it!!!

And, yes, Gus is a bitch. But Gus is also dancing with a fat cow now, so it all works out. :)

Freak Magnet said...

You're right - karma is a bitch. Too bad you didn't run into them both together hating each other's guts, but staying together for the brats they created.

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

Melissa - Seriously.

Lowry - Thanks. That compliment is worth just as much as any other compliment!!

me - You're too kind.

Freak Magnet - in my mind she is also a miserable cow

Elaine said...

Karma is the bitch, not Gus. Gus is the poor sap dancing with the cow.

Tits on the other, she's a maneater. watch your saks.