Tuesday, June 27, 2006

I'd Be The World's Worst Porno Star + Several Lists of Things You Never Wanted To Know About Hootch

I’d be the world’s worst porno star. I know this admission of inadequacy must come as a shock to many of you. Especially the young ladies out there who have often fantasized and daydreamed about mounting Higgins (my penis) and riding him off into the sunset. But its true. I’m not at all the sexual wonder-kid you envision me to be.

My first day on the job as a porno-star would start off well enough tho. I would've bought the entire movie crew the regular morning pick-me-ups. You know, bagels, muffins, coffee and an industrial sized container of flavoured astro-glide.

As I'd dispense of these morning treats I'd walk around the set introducing myself to my co-stars:

Hootch: Sylvia Saint, its an immense honour to meet you. My name is Hootch, but for the purposes of this movie you can call me Secret Agent 007, James Bone. Listen Sylvia, I just want to let you know I'm committed in making this movie something truly special - something that we can both be proud of. I want our movie to be emotional. I want it to be tender and gentle, I want it to be a heart-warming affair".

Sylvia Saint: Yes, me too. I want it to be tender, Hootch.

Then the director would join us. I would explain to him the direction in which I want the movie to take.

Hootch: Mr. Director, what do you need from me and Sylvia in order to make this movie a sincere love story about two vulnerable souls.

Director: What do I need from you and Sylvia to make this movie a touching love story? Hootch I'm gonna need you to lay down on that bear-skin rug, and Sylvia when I yell action I'm gonna need you to sit on Hootch's face.

As I’d lie on the bear-skin carpet I’d be thinking "okay Hootch, you are about to make history, amigo. You are going to show the world that a male porno star doesn’t have to objectify his female co-stars. He can show them the respect and tenderness, love and attention they truly deserve". And as I would be thinking these thoughts I’d also be thinking "I can’t wait for Sylvia to rest her snapper on my moustache".

LIGHTS

CAMERA

ACTION

But with the cameras rolling, 10 seconds into the endeavour, disaster would befall yours truly.

I’d see my female counterpart disrobe 10 feet away from me and hear her moan something like "ooohhhhwwwwyyyaaaaa Hooootch" and right then, my friends, the jig would be up. Even before insertion of any kind, I’d set off an ejaculate fireworks show to rival that of the fourth of July.

My dream of becoming a wildly successful porno star would come to a crashing halt.

I don’t want to finish this post. Its too depressing. Damn you Higgins. Damn you.

I'll tack on a thing-a-ma-jig I was forced to answer on another site:


Everything you never wanted to know about Hootch. Ready? Not yet, you say? Tough shit. Here we go.

Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. House of Flying Daggers - craziest fight scene ever over a girl - CRAZIEST, YO!!
2. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly - more of a comic book on film than even Sin City; plus a ton of great lines like - "You see, in this world there's two kinds of people, my friend: those with loaded guns and those who dig. You dig."
3. Resevoir Dogs - When Quentin was still unspoiled
4. True Romance - 2nd craziest fight scene over a girl. Plus this great line from Clarence "I always said, if I had to fuck a guy...I mean if I had to, if my life depended on it...I’d fuck Elvis".

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Summer sports camp dude
2. Air Duct Cleaner at the Toronto Zoo - What up to all my African Pavilion motherfuckers
3. the world’s only honest telemarketer - I didn’t last long at this job
4. Administrator within the finance sector - code for slave

Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Curb Your Enthusiasm
2. The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
3. Family Guy (the earlier seasons)
4. The Colbert Report
Honourable Mentions: Ali G and the Chappelle Show

Four Nicknames I've been given:
1. Voy
2. VoyToy
3. Gypsy - my sister thinks its funny when she calls me this.
4. Mr. Belvedere - Truth be told, this is actually my penis’ nickname. Although sometimes it prefers to be addressed as Higgins or Magnum

Four of my Favorite Foods:
1. Chinese food from the "Superlicious" food court by my work - that shit is gonna kill me
2. Ice Cream. Doesn't matter what kind or from where, just gimme gimme gimme!
3. Fruit Loops - it’s an excellent nutritional source of yellow, pink and orange "O" shaped thingies
4. Captain Crunch - the only way you can improve upon Captain Crunch is if you added marshmellows (sp? - this cant be how you spell marshmellows)

Four biggest influences in High School / University:
1. Dostoevsky - this mofo was all gangsta
2. Jim Morrison - gave me a good excuse to get loaded
3. Kurt Cobain
4. Jack Kerouac - I had it bad for this one hippie chick. Bitch couldn't stand me. Go figure.

2 comments:

Melissa said...

Quite the compelling read, sugar.

4 movies - every single choice kicks ass. I'm a major Clint Eastwood fan. And Mr. White was just utterly smooth.

I've had a mad crush on Jon Stewart for EVER. His brain is so hot.

It will always be Mr. Belvedere to me...

Captain Crunch is the bomb but it ruins the inside of my mouth and marshmallows don't do a damn thing to help it out. Ouch.

Thumbs up on the Jack Kerouac was incredible, ever read any Hunter S. Thompson?

Freak Magnet said...

Poor guy. You need someone to help you knock out the easy one. Let me know if you need any volunteers.