Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Exercise and Love Making Tips from Hootch

I cant stand this one guy at my work - Mr. Know-it-all. He used to sit behind me, but now he has moved to another department. He walks around the office like he's the top shit and runs the operation. But he doesn't. He has the exact same job title as everyone else in the office - corporate slave.

Yesterday, I heard him offering weight training advice to one of the new hires. WEIGHT TRAINING?!?!? Motherfucker, you have more rolls on your flabby ass than an Italian bakery. And you say you've been working out for 5 years?!?!?

Sit back and listen, jr. Let me tell you something about weight training. When you push weight and exercise, you gotta do it like you think the world is about to end and you're fucking for the last time ever. You gotta get all dirty and sweaty. You gotta do it till you think you're gonna pass out from physical exertion. You gotta go at it like an animal and not even care if it hurts or feels good, cuz the payoff is gonna come when that bolt of lightning strikes you straight on top of the head and you shoot your load uncontrollably and are now blissfully paralyzed from the 10,000,000 volts of electricity that just coursed through your body.

Excersize, just as sex, doesn't count unless you are dripping with sweat and absolutely spent. Thats how you exercise. Thats how you fuck, punk.

So, if you want you can go to the gym, hop on the treadmill, set if for 0.001 mph and discuss cooking recipes with the grandma beside you, just dont tell me you are "working out".


Me said...


I'm horny now. Thanks so much, Hootch. I blame you for this. You'd better come over and help me take care of it! ;)

Melissa said...

The reason you get 10,000,000 volts is because you are plugged into heaven, sugar.


kattbanjo said...

whew, i need a cold shower now!

Freak Magnet said...

Wow. What an approach to working out. I never quite thought of it that way. Now I can't decide if I'd rather work out or get it on.

Lowry said...

That oughta make my workouts a bit more productive. Thanks.

Elaine said...

.. don't forget the grunting.. its not good sex or a good workout without SOME grunting...

hells to the yeah.

Tiffanie said...

Wow. Now I think I need to go be alone for a little while.


Came to you through Just Some Guy, thought I'd say hi.

Enjoyed your blog.

BionicBuddha said...

No doubt you have a strong passion and knowledge of how to acheive results...if the investment banking industry fails on you, you might consdier a career as a personal trainer or fitness consultant. Cheers!