Saturday, June 10, 2006

Memories of University

I remember this one girl from university. Her name was Amy. She was pretty ugly, but thats okay cuz i was pretty desperate. Amy was also kind of a bitch

Anyway, there was this pub on campus I used to hang out at after my friday courses. I liked hanging out there because during the early part of the evening they used to play alot of the music I was into - Sonic Youth, Janes Addiction, Jon Spencer Blues Explosion etc etc. As the evening progressed they switched to more Brit "alternative" music like Pulp, The Stone Roses, and Blur. Thats when the cool kids arrived. The skinny white boys with their sunglasses, fitted jackets and jeans; and the really really pretty girls that would make my heart stop...then EXPLODE into a million pieces. Oh ya, I forgot, Amy would be there too.

For as ugly (and mean spirited) as Amy was, the girl ran with a fine looking crowd. This was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because she introduced me to alot of pretty pretty girls I otherwise wouldn't have got a sniff of, but a curse also because every time Amy invited me to join their group she would be all over me. All the energy I should have been expending trying to bed her friends, I was using trying to thwart her advances. I mean, some of the excuses I gave her were pretty ridiculous. They were probably no better than this:

Amy - Hootch, lets fuck.
Hootch - Ahhh, yeah. I'd love to Amy but I was just about to leave to meet some anonymous black guy and have unlubricated anal with him in the boys bathroom.

I mean, Amy should have got the hint, but she didn't. I even remember asking Amy to hook something up for me with a friend of hers. I cant remember what her friend's name was but she had crazy lazer blue eyes.

Hootch - Amy, yo. Hook it up with me and LaserBlueEyes.
Amy - Hootch, you dont want to be with her. She's a slut. She'll fuck anything that moves.
Hootch - Ahhh, thats what I was kinda counting on.
Amy - Why dont you and me go to my place?
Hootch - Ohhhh...ahhhh...I cant. I promised that dirty and unwashed looking fella over there I would suck his balls tonight.

One of Amy's friends I got along with really well was this girl named Marika. Marika was really fuckin pretty and super cool and friendly. She had it all...including a douchebag boyfriend.

Late one night after the pub was closing for the day, Amy invited me to a party the gang was going to. The party was at this guy Gay Elvis' house. I knew Marika was gonna be there so I said "yes, I'd go". At Gay Elvis's house we were alll having a pretty good time. We were all drinking laughing and eating. Gay Elvis was the perfect host. He even insisted I take a tour of his house. The tour ended in his room upstairs.

Hootch - Nice place, Elvis.
Gay Elvis - Thanks. Here sit down. I'm just gonna step in the bathroom for a moment, then we can go back down again.
Hootch - No prob.

As gay Elvis walked in his upstairs bathroom I walked over to his stereo and cd collection - Morrissey, The Smiths, New Order. As I was looking at Gay Elvis' Cds I heard the bathroom door open behind me.

Gay Elvis - Ahem!! I thought I told you to have a seat, not to rifle through all my personal belongings, Mr Nosey.

Elvis sounded kinda pissed. I turned around ready to apologize for something I thought wasn't a big deal, and there he was with a big grin on his face, standing buck-fuckin naked.

Gay Elvis - So, whattaya think...interested?
Hootch - Hoooaaaa, I'm flattered but I promised Amy I'd 69 with her tonight.


Me said... least Amy came in good for something!

Freak Magnet said...

Holy crap, that cracked me up!

Melissa said...

That's fucking brilliant! I'm going to have to use that. "Sorry, love, there's a hootch with my name on it, can't play guerrila rebel and the despots daughter with you tonight."

Elaine said...

LOL! I shouldn't even comment because I have nothing to say. I'm just laughing my ass off over here.. never mind me...

although Gay Elvis sounded hot. You didn't want to hit that? (or was he a "top" guy.. I can' understand if he was a "top" guy. ouch.)

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

me and freak magnet - glad I could give you a little chuckle.

melissa - "guerilla rebel and the despot's daughter" haha, sounds like a fun game. I get the feeling you got a million of 'em

elaine - gay elvis made morrissey look like rambo

Butchieboy said...

So, you totally fucked the ugly Amy chick, right?

A. said...

hahahahahaha... when you come to it an ugly chick is always better than having it up the buttom