Monday, November 27, 2006

ACK!! I started with a draft of something else, but then said "fuck it" and wrote this instead

After suffering through the cock-punch that was the Indianapolis Colts / Dallas Cowboys football game, a couple sundays ago, I made plans to stay in for the entire week. I was feeling kinda sour cuz I lost a couple hundred bucks by betting on perhaps the ugliest motherfucker in the history of the world, save for Jared from Subway, Peyton Manning.

Now, dont get me wrong, I normally dont mind dropping several hundred dollars during the course of an evening. Although, when I do spend that kind of dough, I usually have the prospects of imminent, crazy-ass, alcohol-fuelled, marathon gorilla sex to take the sting off of the financial burden. However, that evening your mother was not available.

Anyhow, it was Monday, the Christina Milian video was on where she's half naked and dipped in jet black shit, and I was frantically looking for my industrial sized container of vasoline, when Mally called.

Mally: Hey, we're going to the movies. Wanna come?


Hootch: Naw, not really. I was just about to go to bed.

Mally: Come on, you have to come.

Hootch: Why?

Mally: Its just me and Sterg right now. If we end up going to the movies just the two of us we'll look like fags.

The theatre was crowded for a monday. We were there to see Casino Royale. Me and Mally arrived first. Sterg and Patrick came shortly afterward.


Hootch: What the fuck, man. I thought it was gonna be just us three. What's Patrick doing here. I fucking hate him.

Mally: I dunno. Maybe Sterg thought with even the three of us it'd look kinda gay.

Hootch: Three guys going to the movies is not gay. Like, what, we're gonna bust out into a fuckin menage in the theatre?

We all say hello. Patrick wastes no time in telling me he woulda taken the Cowboys in the football game. We sit at a table and talk about The Killers video, SpiderMan 3, playing ball, video games plus a whole buch of other stuff while we wait for our theatre to open. Just as we're standing up, about to get in line, Sterg recognizes someone I didn't feel like dealing with that night:

Sterg: Yo, isn't that Tera (pointing at the far end of the concession stand)?


Mally: I think it is.

Hootch: (knowing it is) No, man. That looks nothing like Tera.

Mally: It is her, man. I can recognise those implants anywhere.

Patrick: You guys know her?!

Sterg: Hootch went out with her a few times.

Patrick: Oh man, Hootch, brother. Can you hook me up? I mean... would you mind?

Hootch: The best way to score with Tera is to walk up to her in the concession line and tell her you have a crystal meth lab in your basement. She might even start blowing you into oblivion before you get a chance to order the nacho combo #2.

Mally: So whats the story, Hootch? Did you ever end up banging her?

Hootch: Who, Tera? A gentleman never kisses and tells, Mally.

Mally: ...

Sterg: ...

Patrick: ...

Hootch: Yeah, we fucked a few times.

Patrick: For real, does she have implants? Cuz I love implants, man.

Sterg: No, Patrick. Shes walking around with a serving tray underneath her shirt. Of course they're implants.

Mally: Its like, she can jerk you off with one hand while setting up a row of shots on her tits with the other.

Hootch: Never was a fan of the implants, yo.

Sterg: Its cuz you love cock.

Hootch: What. I still think I have a hairline fracture of both orbital bones from when Tera was bouncing her tits on either side of my nose... and when was that? Like, fuckin last winter.

Mally: What the fuck is that anyway... that bouncing her tits off your face move that chicks do. Are we supposed to like that? I never know what I'm supposed to do. What do you guys do?

Sterg: Hey, I think Tera saw us.

Sure enough, Tera saw us. She smiled, waved and started making her way over to our group.

Next: part II
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Everyone should check out this painting that LastLife did and has up on her blog. Its, like, the exact opposite of this post, which is to say its not a complete and total waste of your time. She keeps it tight from start to finish and the end product blows my mind everytime I see it. Check it out under her "Woah Colors" entry. http://lastlifeinmyuniverse.blogspot.com/

later skaters,

Hootch

8 comments:

slopmaster said...

the 'boob to the side of face move' is dumb, but I'll never turn one down. I think its because all women fantasize of being a stripper. most just don't have a good body.

Tbone Stallone said...

"...tell her you have a crystal meth lab in your basement..."

Fucking priceless Hootch. I am watching Bones right now, just when this show couldnt get any worse...yep Depeche Mode, awesome

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

slopmaster - you really know what to say to charm the ladies dont you, sloppy?

tbone - seriously, this chick makes Courtney Love look like Barbara Bush. I always thought the program "Bones" would be more well received if they dropped the "S" off the end of the show's name and replaced it with an "R".

Me said...

Hootch: Never was a fan of the implants, yo.


Yup, you are my new hero.

lastlifeinmyuniverse said...

gorilla sex is always good. crazy-ass, alcohol-fuelled, marathon gorilla sex is even better.

nobich said...

Honey I am sure my mother was available for gorilla sex-ha

Your Girl Friday said...

Enough about fake tits - how was the movie?!!? I'm dying to see it, it's not out here til the 7th!!

The Boob Lady said...

I love you.

fo' real.

and gorilla sex.