Sunday, November 19, 2006

Part 2 in my 10 part series: Football team player introductions

One thing I particularly enjoy about my football team is how tight we are. Sure, from time to time, we have our arguements and disagreements but I know when push comes to shove there is no other group of friends I'd want in my corner. I'm pretty certain, in a time of need, those guys would do anything for me, and I hope they know I'd do anything for them as well. Over the 4 seasons we've played football together, we've developed a bond more akin to being brothers than team-mates. During that time period we've confided in each other and expressed our personal hopes, dreams, fears and insecurities. To tell you the truth, I dont think there is anything about those guys I dont know. And there isn't anything about me those guys aren't aware of either. We share a profound intimacy with each other that I haven't even come close to duplicating in other aspects of my life.

That is why it brings me great pleasure to bring you the 2nd part of my 10 part series "My Football Team Player Introductions". In this istallment I'll introduce you to perhaps the best pure athlete on the team. His name is Adolpho... wait... or is it Alphonso? Shit, I can never remember the dude's name. Anyway, he's the Italian guy on the team... or, hold on... was he Spanish. Regardless he was one of the white dudes on the team... although he does have an affinity for ugly white chicks with enormous asses that black guys seem so fond of, so maybe he was black, just light skinned.

Anyway, me and him were tight. Adolpho/Alphonso possessed a million dollar body built for speed and a 10 cent brain built for maintaining minimal electromagnetic activity. Every single play Adolpho/Alphonso would run the same pattern. Deep. You'd tell him, "Okay, Adolpho/Alphonso, lets run a quick hook. Run 10 yards, turn around, the ball will be right there. Got it?" The answer back was always the same. "Got it. No Problem". So, we break huddle. Line up. The center snaps the ball. The play is drawn up perfectly. The quick hook is wide open. The QB delivers the ball in rhythm. And where is Adolpho/Alphonso? As the ball sails behind him, Adolpho/Alphonso is 75 yards downfield running like fucking Forrest Gump on Ecstasy.

I remember one time in the playoffs Adolpho/Alphonso told us he would not be able to make it to our semi-finals game until the 2nd half. We asked him "why" but his answers were vague and not very forthcoming. "Just because, ok? There is something I have to do. I'll be there for the 2nd half".

The day of the game me and the boys were making the necessary adjustments to our playbook to take into account Adolpho/Alphonso's absence until the 2nd half. We decided to call his home to see if he was still coming to the game. His mom answered the phone:

Us: Hi Mrs____. Is Adolpho/Alphonso there?

His Mom: Oh, hi boys. Adolpho/Alphonso went to Spanish dancing lessons with his girlfriend. Didn't he tell you?

Oh. Ma. Gawd.

Spanish dancing lessons? Fuck me gently with a chainsaw.

With the necessary adjustments we started the game minus Adolpho/Alphonso. However, just as he promised, as the 2nd half started Adolpho/Alphonso had arrived. As Adolpho/Aphonso joined the huddle, no one mentioned anything about calling his mother or knowing about his Spanish dancing lessons. No one gave a shit about that now. We had our full squad. We were ready to rumble. All we cared about was winning.

We lined up at scrimmage. Our QB read the opponents defence. He barked out the play "Sylvia Saint 69, Kaylani Lei 22, Sylvia Saint 69, set... HUT!! The play was designed for Adolpho to run a short out, 5, maybe 6 yards. Adolpho/Alphonso took-off 50 yards down the field. Our QB launched the ball. Adolpho/Alphonso caught it in mid stride, laying waste to his defender 20 yards behind him. Touchdown!!

The entire team, in celebration, ran on to the field in the endzone. Adolpho/Alphonso raised his hand in anticipation of receiving congratulatory high-fives. We offered no high-fives though. We completely surrounded him. It looked like we were about to give him a gang initiation beat-down. "what's going on, guys?" Adolpho/Alphonso asked getting a little nervous. Then, all at once, we immediately started Spanish dancing around Adolpho/Alphonso. I tried to remember the words of a Gypsy King song. I couldn't remember shit cuz I hate the fucking Gypsy Kings but I started singing anyway "TUMBALAAAYA, TUMBALAAAYA, o gi chi me ole chi me omi laro michi". I'm pretty sure I got the lyrics dead on.

Adolpho/Alphonso was busted. We all shared a really good laugh that day. We told Adolpho/Alphonso if Spanish dancing lessons were really that important to him then we'd support his decision to split his free time between football and dancing. Adolpho/Alphonso said "yes guys, it really is that important to me".

Then we beat the shit out of him.

Anyway, I'll leave it at that. A little story about my really, really good friend Adolpho/Alphonso who may or may not be black.

Later, homies.


Me said...

Ah, yes, you two are tight--as tight as you can be after being fucked with that chainsaw.


IDigHootchAndCootch said...

me - I'm glad you can see our special bond.

for the record:
New Orleans - 3 over Cinci
Indy -1 over Dallas

If both games lose any chance at funding my bday party go up in smoke. If only one wins I hope its Indy as major bucks are on the line. If both win I may hire John Travolta and fly you all in for the party.

One for the money
two for the show
three to get ready
and four for the ho's

lastlifeinmyuniverse said...

LOL thats hilarious.

*crosses fingers and prays for both to win*

Freak Magnet said...

It could have been worse - it could have been ballroom dancing.

Me said...

I'm actually watching the Bengals/Saints game right now...

Palmer just got sacked. Hahaha...I'm getting closer to partyin' with Hootch! I'm not black though...hmmm... ;)

Melissa said...

I love it when you tell this story. Of course I'm just dreaming of ten men with swivle hips, but that's ok...

question girl said...

hooch - each time you use the expression Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. i take to it a little more...

i fear that one of these days it will actually get me wet

however, that said, the visual created of a group of guys doing a "spanish touchdown dance" brought gails of laughter me

i can't wait till the 3rd installment

nobich said...

I love this series

2 Dollar Productions said...

I say if the dancing lessons help his play on the field in any way, shape or form you let the man dance.

It's all about the team.

Tbone Stallone said...

Dude nice story, sorry about Dallas rizing up, but you gotta know that to beat Indy, all Parcels needs is a sock full of nickels in one hand and his dick in the other.
War Tony Romo fucking Jessica Simpson tomahawk-style in the back of his Ford Ranger.

drëâmè® said...

wow.. you really havent updated.

drëâmè® said...

OH WAIt... this is a different story. I'm such a lost child.