Tuesday, November 07, 2006

say it aint so, newcootch

I think me and NewCootch just broke up. First Kevin and Britney, and now me and NewCootch. Whats the world coming to? Here's how it went down:

I invited NewCootch over to my house tonight to just chill. You know, nothing big. My plan for the evening was to keep it relaxed and informal. Watch some tv, play yatzee, maybe some anal.

NewCootch arrived a little early. I was still going over the sports lines for tomorrow's games. I asked her to entertain herself in my tv room while I finished up on the internet upstairs. However, it was impossible to get a moments peace to concentrate with NewCootch in the house.

NewCootch: Hootch, how long are you gonna be?

Hootch: Like, 5 minutes. Okay? Turn on the tv and I'll be down soon.

NewCootch: Hootch?

Hootch: ...

NewCootch: Hootch!!

Hootch: Yes?

NewCootch: Where is the remote... oh never mind its right in front of me. Isn't that funny?

Hootch: Hysterical.

NewCootch: Do you wanna hear something?

Hootch: (mumbles) Not really.

NewCootch: What?

Hootch: When I come down, okay.

NewCootch: My brother is gonna be in the Guinness World Book of Records.

Hootch: ...

NewCootch: Do you wanna know what he's gonna be in it for?

Hootch: ....

NewCootch: Do you know what he's gonna be in it for!!

Hootch: I dunno. Having the world's most annoying sister?

Then it happened. NewCootch snapped... but not in a way you'd expect... not in a way I expected anyway. NewCootch stormed upstairs, walked into my computer room and descended upon my penis like a sex banshee outta my daydreams and with the type of enthusiasm Rosie O'Donnell would ordinarily reserve only for donuts, Selma Hayek and Selma Hayek covered in donuts. For the next 20 minutes NewCootch grinded my penis into a wet, limp submission. She was generating such force on my groin that I'm pretty sure every square inch of my pelvis is now covered in hairline fractures.

After the deed was done and I finished repainting the ceiling with my ejaculate, NewCootch got dressed and just left my house without saying a word. "That was kind of odd" I thought. Then, in the middle of nursing my bruised balls, it struck me. Me and NewCootch just had breakup sex. She had just broke up with me. But before she did she wanted to bang me one last time to forever remind me what I'd be missing - a pain in the ass... and now a pain in the balls as well.

Under the emotional and physical duress of having to deal with newly ruptured testicles and another failed relationship, I managed somehow to find the inner strength required to potentially piss my money away on the following games:

Seattle +7 at Orlando
Charlotte +5.5 at Boston
Utah +3 at NJ
Clips -3 vs Dallas
Detroit +1.5 at Sactown
NY Rangers (-125) over Florida

Its funny, I dont even like some of these games all that much, but what can I say? I'm an idiot. I'll put up my 14 - 9 blogger gambling record in my pursuit of becoming the world's worse blogger/gambler.


lastlifeinmyuniverse said...

break up sex ? never had it. never even heard of it. is it as good as make up sex?

shit, at least your havin sex.

lastlifeinmyuniverse said...

by the way, sorry to hear that. maybe its just not meant to be. keep your chin up hootchster. *hugs*

nobich said...

Good luck on your picks sorry to hear about NewCootch, she sounds like a real fun gal I mean any girl that likes yatzee...

Tbone Stallone said...

Ahh tales of break-up sex, usually I get it a month post breakup, like she'll call, we meet for lunch to catch up and see if the other is fucking someone else yet. It'll occur at a vacationing friend's house or gas station lavatory, its always great, and you usually get to try a new position/orifice.

I put a cool nickel on Toledo last night (+13), and banked like a Hungarian prostitue in Prague, the week I stay in Prague on business.

question girl said...

see, ummmmm, i can't really feel any sympathy for you since you at least GOT SOME

Me said...

Maybe I need to pretend to break up with my husband now and then...I think I might have sex more often. Hehehe.

I'm still wondering about her brother...what the heck is he going to be in the book for??

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

lastlife - you never had it cuz probably no one would be dumb enough to break up with you. Me and NewCootch are not sweating the break up. It was fun while it lasted, now its over. Life goes on. Thanks tho.

nobitch - thanks. All my games are close. I'm monitoring all of 'em on the net. The rush is insane... up until you lose. Then its just shit.

tbone - nice call on toledo. My break up sex is usually one and done. Unless its Marianne. Then its - we'll proclaim our hatred for each other then commence to fuck each other into a coma. Its like Ultimate Fighting, if I dont tap out I may die.

question girl - I normally dont get so grapic in my posts when it comes to sex, but shit, I thought this is the last time I get jiggy probably until until the word jiggy becomes popular again.

Me - apparently a mall in toronto broke the record for most pumpkins carved. NewCootch's brother was in the picture documenting the number of pumpkins. This is all according to NewCootch, so I dunno if its true.

2 Dollar Productions said...

Hope you didn't bet the Mavs as those bastards are letting me down left and right this year.

"Watch some tv, play yatzee, maybe some anal." Brilliant. Any night of the week.

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

$2 - its the simple things that make life worth living.

Oh, and I took the Clips minus the 3 points.

Freak Magnet said...

I didn't even know you and newcootch were doing it, period.

Do you want me to kick her ass for you? Because I will.