Saturday, November 25, 2006

My Football Team Player Introductions; Part 3

Mally. Mally is a good friend. He has saved my life on a number of occasions. Like the time he tried to kill me, on a bad 'shroom trip, but then changed his mind. Mally is pretty much indestructible. He is about 5'10 and 275 pounds of rock hard muscle. He is like a boulder with legs... if that boulder chain smoked and only ordered drinks by the triple.

I remember once me and Mally got into a fight with two other guys at a night club. I cant remember how the fight got started, but the two guys were now squaring off against us. I was pretty sure I was gonna get my ass kicked, but before I could say "Yeeeeaaaaahhhhh, Booooyyyzzzzz", Mally had broken both guys' noses. That night I was the Flavour Flav to his Chuck D. I was useless, but Mally made me feel like part of the victory.

Anyway, Mally has a sensitive side that I want to show you all. I think the below conversation documents it accordingly. This conversation took place around 10 years ago in Cancun, Mexico. Me, Mally, Sterg and a bunch of other guys went down for the week. Mally and the rest of the other guys went out for the evening. I had tapped out at, something disgraceful like, 10pm cuz I thought I was gonna throw up. I was back in the hotel room, recovering, watching a really shit movie and masturbating to Rosie Perez (no comments on Rosie, please. I was drunk), when I heard the door open and Mally come in.

Hootch: Hey, what are you doing home so early? (said as I'm discretely putting my underwear back on, underneath the bed covers)

Mally: Ahhh, Mally got laid.

Hootch: Yeah?! What was his name?

Mally: Funny.

Hootch: Just kidding. Is she from the resort?

Mally: No, She was from Mexico City (goes into the bathroom)

Hootch: Mexico City?! Whoa.. thats kind of a risky proposition, no? Anyway, I'm sure you were careful. What was her name?

Mally: Mally cant remember exactly. Something weird.

Hootch: And they say true love is dead.

Mally: Mally is gonna be using the bathroom for a bit. Do you have to go before I close the door?

Hootch: No, I'm good.

Mally: Mally is going in. (closes door)

Hootch: Mal, why do you keep referring yourself to in the third person?

Mally: I dunno. Mally didn't really have a good time tonight. Mally is hoping by referring to himself in the 3rd person he will mentally and psychologically disassociate himself from the previous few hours.

Hootch: Why, what happened? Is everything alright in there?

Mally: Yeah...I think so.

Hootch: Whats going on?

Mally: My dick is bleeding.

Hootch: You're dick is bleeding!!

Mally: Yeah, my dick is bleeding.

Hootch: Your dick is bleeding and you think everything is alright?!?!

Mally: Its only bleeding a little.

Hootch: I dont know how to tell you this but your dick bleeding just "a little" is no consolation, my friend.

Mally: Its really not that bad. You wanna see?

Hootch: No. I dont wanna see your bleeding dick.

Mally: (comes out with toilet paper covering his dick. Toilet paper is mostly red from the blood) Whattaya think?

Hootch: Fuck man, what the hell happened?

Mally: I think it started bleeding sometime during sex. I'm not sure tho.

Hootch: Oh, I guess you didn't notice right away cuz the condom was covering the blood?

Mally: I didn't use a condom.

Hootch: What?! You banged a chick from Mexico City and you didn't use a condom?!

Mally: I didn't have the chance. She just jumped on me in her room... I dont think she was really wet, tho. It hurt a little. Then when I started to see a little blood I thought "Wait a second, something may be wrong."

Hootch: Yeah "may be wrong".

Mally: Anyway, I pulled out and my dick was covered in blood. Way more than I thought.

Hootch: So I guess thats when you said "adios bitch" and came here, eh?

Mally: No, then she blew me.

Hootch: She blew you?! But your dick was bleeding.

Mally: She said she wanted to.

Hootch: Yeah but, you could have said "no".

Mally: (shrugs shoulders) Eh. Whattareya gonna do? I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

Hootch: (starring at Mally in disbelief)

Mally: By the way, you can finish whacking off to Rosie Perez, I'm going back to the bathroom.


lastlifeinmyuniverse said...

ROFL! ahh that was great. you guys should have your own sitcom.

Freak Magnet said...

omg, that is disgustingly hilarious.

Did he ever find out what was wrong, or did he just rub some dirt on it?

Melissa said...

I *heart* Mally. And Rosie Perez has gigantic tits and lots of attitude, how isn't that hot?

Mr. Fabulous said...

Mally may be Mr. Fab's new hero...

Me said...

I knew I was in for a good read when I saw the name "Mally."

God, if he wasn't so...Mally...and didn't have the bleeding dick...I'd totally want to do him.

However, with that bleeding dick and third person references, I don't think I could get it on with him. Now, you though....mmmm...


2 Dollar Productions said...

Rosie Perez isn't hot for her voice alone as she just about made me jump out a window in "White Men Can't Jump."

Hell of a team.

The Boob Lady said...

Amazing. I think I'm in love...

Your Girl Friday said...

Oh god, oh god, oh god.



That is fucking filthy!

And who the fuck is Rosie Perez!?

nobich said...

eeeaahhh Mally!!!! Yikes!!

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

lastlife - thanks. Thats a good idea, I think. Of course we will have a special reoccuring role just for do you feel about shower scenes?

freak magnet - nothing some duct tape and plastic wrap couldn't take care of.

Melissa - thank you for validating my rosie perez fantasy of yesteryear. I feel less like a deviant now.

Mr Fabulous - My two heros - Mally... and Noam Chomsky. Noam's lucky to keeping pace with Mal.

Me - the bleeding dick was been taken care of, so if you ever wanna break mally in I'll pass on his number.

$2 - it is a hell of a team. It brings back memories of the Cowboys of the mid 90's where the night before a big game you could find michael irvin, and half the offensive and defensive lines at various strip clubs.

boob lady - I'm pretty sure mally would rock a chubby if he saw that pic of you flipping the bird on your blog.

friday - forget I ever mentioned rosie perez. It may sully the high esteem you should hold me in =)

nobich - funny. alot of girls mistakenly have that initial reaction when confronted by the mal-bomber

The Boob Lady said...

PS: Bad mushroom trips are

slopmaster said...

Only in F'ing Cancun. He's got a little Juanito running around now I bet.

I think I do too though. Its cool. No child support.

question girl said...


but i still want to know more!!

lastlifeinmyuniverse said...

shower scenes ? sure. only if you were in em.