Sunday, December 03, 2006

a bit of part II of whaterver the fuck it was I was writing about

Hey. I just got home about 30 minutes ago and am on the verge of falling asleep for probably the majority of the day. Sterg called at about 2am and asked me to pick him and his girlfriend up from the airport. They went to Mexico for the week for a wedding. After we dropped off his girlfriend at home Sterg told me how this one bartender he befriended in Mexico gave him the ingredients and recipe to make something called Liquid Viagra. "It works on both guys and girls", Sterg kept saying, so it certainly sounds interesting. Although I hope the "works on the girl" part does not include her growing a 6 inch penis. I'll probably write about the Liquid Viagra cuz, like I said, it sounds pretty interesting. Ingredients include a whole bunch of shit you're not supposed to bring over from foreign countries, like tree bark, food products, uncut cocaine...

AAAAhahahahaha, just kidding... there are no food products in the list of ingredients.

Alright, enough of the above. I'm gonna continue with previous account, and just like my love-making, I'm gonna go for as long as until I fall asleep.

Okay. Where the fuck was I? Oh ya. That day was fucking weird cuz as soon as I woke up I had a funny feeling it would be a bad day. Now, I'm not talking about "shit, I just got a $10 parking ticket" type of bad day. I'm talking about "full-out unlubricated ass rape courtesy of Dikembe Motumbo" type of bad day. And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, guess what, motherfucker? Patrick Ewing decides to join the party and challenges Dikembe to a "sword" fight.

Time of event: ASAP

Location: 12 inches inside your asshole.

So I'm stuck in the theatre with Patrick (the guy from the previous post, not Ewing) and to make matters worse, Tera spots us and is making her way over. I hadn't shaved in a couple days, I think I was wearing a shirt I had excersized in the day before, my jeans were probably fuckstained from the time the I was watching The Golden Girls and decided to fuck the crack in between my couch cushions. Basically, what I'm trying to say is I was really in no condition or mood to spend an evening with the fairer sex - especially Tera. You really had no idea where the evening would end up when you rolled with her. You just held on as tight as you could and hoped not to find yourself lost and O.D'ing in a ditch somewhere a few minutes outside of hell.

"Hi Sterg. Hi Mally", Tera greeted and hugged the guys. "Whats going on Hootch", she added giving me the once over and not hiding the look of distaste on her face. Bitch, I thought, last time I saw you I had my dick balls deep in your mouth. How are you gonna play me off like that, now". Anyway, I kept quiet.

Tera looked pretty good tho. I normally dont dig the "super tight jean and t-shirt so snug your diamond cutter nipples are threatening to rip through the fabric" type look. But Tera was pulling it off.


Me said...

Damn it...just like when we have sex, you get me to the point where I'm into it, and then you DO fall asleep.



Freak Magnet said...

Dude, you're not going to post the ingredients? How rude!!

And what's the big deal about hard nipples? I've always found they bother everyone else more than they bother me. You can tell I'm cold? Yeah? So what?

slopmaster said...

I'm a big fan of hard nipples. Sounds like this story is going somewhere though. Get some sleep, rub one off and get back into it.

nobich said...

Ah Hootch you had me- right up to the fuck stained jeans from when you fucked the crack in the couch watching the Golden Girls ( its Bea Arthur isn't it? she does it to me too!!! ha!!)

2 Dollar Productions said...

Who doesn't wear that look well (with the possible exception of Rue Mclanahan)?

And a Ewing/Motumbo double-team would be about the worst day in the history of the world.

lastlifeinmyuniverse said...

hootch got dissed ! Ouch ! ;)

julia said...

We're born knowing how to treat a man whose dick we once nearly swallowed as if he isn't worth the dirt he's standing in. And making him feel like it's somehow his fault.

We got skillz!

One Wink at a Time said...

Holy crap, Dude. You. Are. Hilarious.