Saturday, July 29, 2006

Conversations from the elliptical machine; part: who da fuck cares

Time and Place: 6am. Me and Sterg at GoodLife Gym. Surrounded by a million geriatrics getting in their morning exercise (what the fuck?! Dont old people sleep?)

H: Oh, fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Is this Phil Collins?

S: Yeah.

H: Oh, man. The songs they play here are getting worse and worse.

S: How can they expect us to exercise to Phil Collins? Do you even know what the name of this song is?

H: I think its the Su-Su-Sudio song.

S: Which one is that?

H: Its the one where Phil Collins goes "Su-Su-Sudio"

S: Oh.

H: Actually...I use to like this song.

S: Homo.

H: Hey, check out tv 7.

S: What are Pamela and Kid Rock doing in the news?

H: I dunno. Looks like Kid Rock is harrassing some photographers though.

S: Harrassing photographers?! The guy is like 90 pounds!

H: One of those photographers should just say "step the fuck back, son, before I embarrass you in front of your skank".

S: I know. Go sing another country song , asshole. You couldn't marry Pamela when she was good looking, now you're gonna take her when she has hepatitus?! Loser.

H: Oh I almost forgot. I was checking out this guy's blog, Butchieboy. He's pretty funny. He has this awesome picture of a naked woman with her back arched...

S: What so awesome about that?

H: ...and this squid is on her back with some of its tentacles all over her ass.

(old woman beside us gives us a weird look. she also changes eliptical machines and moves farther away from us)

S: (laughing, nearly falling off the eliptical machine) THAT. IS. WICKED.

H: I cant believe squid is getting more action than me. How are things at your store?

S: Pretty good. I think I made myself too accessible to my staff though.

H: What do you mean?

S: I told my staff if they ever wanna discuss any difficulties or problems they may be having they can always talk to me. "My door is always open to you" I think were my exact words.

H: Why would you say something like that?

S: Some of the girls are pretty good looking and I was hoping I could work the nice guy routine for a lay or two.

H: How is that working so far?

S: Not so good. Yesterday ChineseCootch, this really good looking girl, comes in my office and says "WhiteCootch left a mess in the girls bathroom". So I was thinking "what the fuck do I care?! I dont use the girls bathroom. Aaannnnd why are you telling me? I own the fucking store, I dont clean up the toilets."

H: What d'you tell them?

S: I said "work it out between the two of you".

H: You should be like a hard-ass and have told them "if you two dont solve the problem in 30 minutes my solution is gonna be no more girls bathroom. I'll use the extra space for more merchandizing and you guys can shit in the alley behind the store".

S: Are we still doing something for Huner's bachelor party tonight.

H: Damn straight.

S: Its gonna be sick.

H: I may contract 3 or 4 venereal diseases tonight.

S: You sick bastard...Yeah, me too.


lastlifeinmyuniverse said...

im imaginin being fucked gently with a chainsaw. kinky. kinkier than butchies octopussy pic.

Lowry said...

I can just see the commercial now:

"I lost four pounds in one day because some pussy-ass phil collins song made me shit myself a lot during a work-out! Thanks, Phil!"

Freak Magnet said...

Yep, that would be me, getting off your site to hunt down said pic, which I found.


I think that's the same girl who put that octopus thing in her cootchie. Apparently, the Japanese have some fascination or myth about Octopus Love.

Freak Magnet said...

Here's a link to something that might have that video. I didn't click on it because I have virus-phobia. If you click on it and get a virus, don't blame me.

kattbanjo said...

LOL! the chain saw thing is hilarious!

question girl said...

hooch - i SO wish i went to the gym with you

my workouts would be so much easier to get thru!

Me said...

That poor old woman!!!


Melissa said...

Is "gently with a chain saw" down the street from "and the horse you rode in on"? Or is it closer to "and everybody you know"?

Elaine said...

"I may contract 3 or 4 venereal diseases tonight. "


These conversations get funnier and funnier each time.

What the fuck is a Su Su Sudio anyway?!?!

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

running late for work but thanks all for the comments.

The "fuck me gently with a chainsaw" line is from the movie "Heathers". Its seriously twisted, funny and great. Buy it, rent it, download it, steal it...whatever, just watch it. Lemme know what you think.


lastlifeinmyuniverse said...

OH HEATHERS. omg. i loved that movie but i was really young then to really remember.

Butchieboy said...

I love sushi.

question girl said...

heathers... man, i was SO the wynona character in my own life - high school SUCKED

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

lastlife - your most recent post reminded me a bit of the movie, Heathers. They both touched upon similar themes - being beautiful on the outside vs being beautiful on the inside; maintaining personal beliefs vs compromising those beliefs in order to be accepted by the superficial and popular etc etc.

butchie - naked chicks rock... even if there is live sea life mounting them.

question girl - every guy wants to be the christian slater character... you know, minus the insanity

question girl said...

well then - we would have made a great pair in high school....

yet, most of those guys STILL wanted to date the heathers