Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Fucking the dog with NewCootch

Boss was away yesterday. Me and NewCootch fucked the dog all day. Most of the morning was spent with intellectually stimulating conversation most of you can only dream of:

NC: Hey Hootch, do you want a coloured paperclip?
H: No. Why would I want a coloured paperclip?
NC: So you can paperclip things together.
H: Oh...right. No thanks. I have my own little stash of paperclips right here.
NC: Are they coloured?
H: No. They're just the regular ones

NC: Do you want some coloured ones though?
H: No....why what colours do you have?

Fascinating stuff. I'm pretty sure all the greats, like Sir Isaac Newton and Noam Chomsky, had roughly the same conversation with the cootches in their lives as well.

Anime Girl looked fantastic yesterday. Even her exceptionally unfortunate boney butt couldn't take away from her splendor.

Back to NewCootch - Yesterday afternoon NewCootch confided in me that someone has been "stalking" her. She doesn't recognise the individual but every morning the douchebag waits for her to get off the bus to work and confronts her with inappropiate advances. Further complicating this situation is the fact that NewCootch arrives at work an hour before anyone else. Now, common sense should dictate you alert the local authorities or, at the very least, tell your work. However, common sense in NewCootch is not so common. "That guy better not test me cuz I'll knock him out" has, so far, been her favorite response.

Anyway, today I'm meeting her at the bus station and we'll see what happens. If you dont hear from me within the next few days that probably means I'm enduring an ass rape of gargantuan proportions or I'm being held in captivity by the stalker and he is indiscriminately tazering my balls for his amusement.

later,

Hootch

8 comments:

kattbanjo said...

AW that's sweet for you to check it out. I am kinda crushin' on you today. Did you take any paperclips from her?

Ya know, this might just be a clever ruse in her part to get you away from the office for a smooch....That line's a classic.

Elaine said...

Have you seen Derailed?!?!?

Newcootch and "stalker" guy are in cahoots schee?? Your ass rape is imminent.
But very sweet of your to check up on her. But still, lube up my friend.

Lube. up.

Me said...

Yeah, use lube and try not to tense up...it'll only hurt worse. ;)

Part of the word verification: lubo. LOL.

Good luck.

Melissa said...

I have it on good authority that Chomsky didn't like paperclips, and Newton said they interfered with the "music of the spheres" to the point of distraction.

And you might want to try something a little different from your regular lube, try analease, it does a bit more than lube.

Butchieboy said...

Anal. Cool.

question girl said...

if there IS a stalker - OH HOOCH, COME SAVE ME TOO!!!

if there is no "stalker" at the bus station RUN from newCooch... it means SHE is stalking you.. i mean, seriously, "colored paperclips" is the best she can do on the conversation front?

Me said...

I agree with Question Girl...you deserve someone who can provide you with something besides paperclips to discuss.

And, just so you know, I can talk about all office supplies with equal enthusiasm. ;)

Oh my...word verification: jzzwpe
Is that "jizz wipe"? Oh Lord.

A. said...

Elaine I laughed my ass off at your "lube up, my friend" Hootch that's where you're going... to the vaseline land hihi :))))