I have no readership. No one reads any of the shit I write. However, just in case you are noticing the numbers by the counter on my blog and are saying "what’s this douche bag talking about? Most of his posts get 30, 40, 50 hits. Heck, a few may even approach triple digits!!" I should point out that all those "reads" have been the result of one woman. One crazy woman madly clicking away on any and every link my blog has to offer. Thanks to her I may average around 50 "reads" per entry and have amassed an astounding fortune of $1.38 in my adsense account.
Given the above, dear (hypothetical) readers, you may be asking "wassa problem, Hootch. Be thankful you have at least one fan, you ungrateful prick".
O-ho-ho, but this is not just any fan, dear (hypothetical) reader. This woman is my stalker. Yes, its true. She has been stalking me since I consensually took her arse virginity. She was 29 years old. I was 8.
Now, I know what you all are thinking - a HootchandCootch in Grade 4 and a 29 year old woman should never have been. But there were extenuating circumstances. I was very mature for my age. I was already reading at a grade 6 level. Besides, it was all very lovely and not the "wham, bam, thank you ma’am" sorted smut you all may be imagining. We had sincere feelings for one another. We were soul mates. I was going to make her my wife.
I would visit her every evening. She would pour us a nice bottle of wine. We’d listen to jazz on the radio and make sweet and passionate love for hours on end. Then, I would get up and practice my multiplication times table and spelling words for the next day. It was wonderful. It was all sunshines and roses.
But eventually things began to turn sour. She began to get jealous and over-possessive. She’d call me 10 to 15 times a day and accuse me of being unfaithful: "Hootch, I have to know. Is there anybody else? Tell me I am the only one, Hootch. Tell me I’m the only one."
And I’d be like "Goddamn, woman! I’m trying to watch the Transformers here!! Would you leave me alone. There is nobody else, okay. Satisfied?"
"Oh, Hootch. Thank you. You don’t know how happy you’ve made me. I love you Hootch. I love you so. Why don’t you come over after your program so I can show you. So I can show you how much I love you."
"BITCH, AFTER THE TRANSFORMERS I WATCH HE-MAN DEFENDER OF THE UNIVERSE, YOU KNOW THAT!! And after that I have my school work. These connect the dot puzzles aren’t going to solve themselves, now are they?!"
"No. No of course not. Forgive me Hootch".
"Alright. Dont let it happen again. And next time I come over wear the fishnets stockings and the dog-collar. That shit is hot. Oh, baby, I gotta go. I'll call you later. I forgot the Smurfs were on today.
A few weeks later I had to call it quits. I couldn’t go on like this. The woman was driving me crazy. The relationship was over. And when I broke the news to her the shit really hit the fan.
Next up (maybe): part II of this poorly thought-out and even more poorly written tale.