Sunday, May 21, 2006

The Corporate Beast Has Been Slain

Today at work it was more of the same. It was more of the same soul-sucking endeavor that has left me an empty shell of a man. Over-worked and under-paid, I was slaving away to feed the corporate beast. Then... a flicker of hope - literally. There was a loud "ZAPP" sound in the office and the lights flickered repeatedly on and off. Was the power in the office gonna go down? Everyone waited with bated breath, secretly hoping. Then, another flicker of the office lights and computer monitors. "WOOOOAAAHHH", everyone commented, awoken from their work induced stupor, as though they were witnessing the greatest fireworks show ever. Then with a final "ZAPPP...fizzzzzzlllle", we were in darkness. The power went down. Everyone cheered. The corporate beast had been slain.

Overwhelmed with joy at this unexpected turn of events, everyone started celebrating. We were all singing and dancing. It was great. After a lengthy absence, our Holy Spirits were returning to us. We were losing all previous inhibitions. We had years of living to make up for as a result of being enslaved by the corporate beast. In amongst the rapidly growing out of control celebrations, this one thousand year old Chinese lady, from my department, climbed on top of her desk and performed a strip tease. She undid her bra and immediately her 1000 year old breasts drooped to the floor. They looked like two huge wrinkled slinkies covered in human skin.

The celebrations were really picking up. My great, insane African friend (and co-worker) began savagely undressing and ripping his company approved attire from his body. "These are the chains that bound us, comrades", he yelled, holding up a pair of his dress socks. "Liberate yourselves from the shackles of the past". Immediately, everyone began undressing and throwing their work clothes in the middle of the office. We were all naked. Every single one of us - buck. It was glorious.

People were singing, laughing, dancing, fucking. There was a full scale orgy breaking out on my boss’ desk. Someone was taking a shit in the General Manager’s filing cabinets while others were throwing expensive pieces of equipment out the window.

What was I doing? I’m glad you asked. I had my chair reclined back, had kicked up my feet on my desk and started masturbating. "HOOTCH!!!" a co-worker came up to me, all smiles, and yelled, "I cant believe you’re masturbating at your desk".

"Me neither," I said, "I normally save this type of behavior for the office bathroom".

Then Samantha unexpectedly came from around the corner. Her face - sunshine. Her breasts - sublime. I couldn’t help myself. I started firing off rounds of hot ejaculate all across the office. No distance was safe from my lobbing globs of manhood. SPLAT!! There goes one right on the Employee of the Month Picture. SPLATT!! There goes another one right on the back of Jeffery's head. SPLATTTT!! One last round for good measure dripping off of Katherine’s chin. "Johnny!!" she smiled at me, her eyes playful and inquisitive, "Is this your ejaculate?"

"Yeah. How did you know?" I asked.

"Because it tastes sooo good". She replied

Damn straight, it does.


Elaine said...

oh the visuals you give....

Next time take some pictures MAN. Cell phone cameras. You can masturbate, take pictures and talk dirty to the 4-1-1 operator all at the same time!

Ah Technology. Gotta love it.

Melissa said...

OK, someone needs to explain to me why all men think their jizz is ambrosia. We don't call it dick snot for nothing you know.

StheMan said...

You're so gross Hootch, I'm asking my boss to movemy desk, I want at least 20 feet between us... and next time the power goes off I will do you as in brokeback mountain !!!!

touch wood touch wood !!!!!

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

Elaine - next time I'll try and hook up the tripod for a live feed to my blog.

Melissa - WAHAHAHA.... ambrosia

S. - 20 ft and you're still in my wheelhouse, brother.

kattbanjo said...

OMG ! I was crying I was laughing so hard! I have to agree with the dick snot comparison though.