I have a friend. His name is Mally. He’s quite a good friend, actually. My friend Mally can sleep and masturbate like nobody’s business. This fact has nothing really to do with the following story but I thought it was interesting none-the-less. On numerous occasions my friend Mally has saved my life. Like the time he tried to kill me but then changed his mind.
I remember once betting Mally he couldn’t chug a mickey of southern comfort. He said he could and told me to get the bottle. I did. He chugged the mickey. The whole thing. Not a drop was left. He looked at me and said "I told you so" then proceeded to throw up on my parents sofa.
There was another time when Mally was so drunk we had to help him into bed. His eyes were closed but he quietly said "I’m gonna throw up". We tried to help him outta bed but he was too heavy to move. He kept on saying "I’m gonna throw uuuuup" and began to upchuck a little in his throat. We frantically looked for anything he could throw up in - a waste basket, a plastic bag, anything. We found nothing. Then, in an inspired moment of thinking "out of the box", I took off one sock and helped Mally place the open end over his mouth. "Here", I said, "use this". "What is it"? he asked as he secured the sock around his mouth. "Its my sock" I said. Mally immediately began to throw up. After he was done, he felt a little better. He tied the open end of the filled sock into a knot and threw it under his bed - where it stayed for the next three weeks.
My friend Mally.
Next up: My friend Mia the stripper.