Monday, October 30, 2006

Player Introductions and Life Lessons From Football

Since my football season begins in a few weeks I thought I'd introduce you to my team, player by player. I'll start with Nelson.

Nelson is about 5'10, around 160 pounds, fiery in temperment and a raging homosexual. He was on the team for a few years before he finally admitted his affinity for penis. During our first season we actually asked Nelson if he was gay.

Us: Nelson are you, like.....

Nelson: Portuguese?

Us: No. Gay.

Nelson responded in his flaming, lispy voice and a hand to his chest "OMIGAWD!! Guuuuuuys, how could you even think something like that!! I'm not a homosessual." He then walked away wiggling his hips and shaking his ass from side to side. Straight up, Nelson was as gay as they come. But if he did not feel comfortable enough to confide in us his sexual preference (deviance) it was none of our business. It was none of our business that is until he decided to make it part of our touchdown celebration.

Just kidding with the "deviance" bit. I couldn't help myself.

The first game in our second year we were getting smoked. It was only the first half and we were already down by three touchdowns. We were yelling and blaming each other for all sorts of failed plays and miscommunications. It was getting pretty ugly.

Arial: What the fuck guy?! Why weren't you covering your man?

Kenny: What do you mean my man?! We were playing zone.

Arial: We weren't playing zone! We were in man-to-man coverage!!

Kenny: Mally hand-signaled the defensive coverage. One finger means man-to-man. Two fingers mean zone.

Arial: No, Ken. One finger means zone and two fingers means me and Mally double team your mom after the game.

The team was on the verge of imploding. And to add insult to injury, the other team was marching again. It was first and goal. The other team was getting ready to deliver the knockout punch. I took a look at my team mates. We had defeat written all over our faces. The centre snapped the ball. Our defense was fucked again. Half of us were in zone coverage, the other half in man. It looked like an easy touchdown for the other team. The QB delivered the ball. Then, by some miracle of God, their wide receiver slipped and fell down. The ball landed right in the hands of our fastest player, Adolpho. Adolpho ran the interception all the way back for a touchdown.

Now, ordinarily we would celebrate Adolpho's touchdown with great enthusiasm and retardedness. However, the team was still in a pretty foul mood from the all the previous in-fighting. No one seemed really interested in running to the opposite end of the field to congratulate Adolpho. No one but Nelson. Nelson, recognizing that we needed something to pick up our spirits, ran across the entire field to the endzone where Adolpho was still standing by himself, trying to catch his breath. Adolpho raised his hand to give Nelson a hi-five as he arrived. Nelson, ignoring the hand in the air, stood in front of Adolpho, placed both of his hands on either side of Adolpho's hips, dropped to his knees and pretended to felate our winded team mate . The unsuspecting Adolpho tried to run away but Nelson's grip on his hips was too strong. This went on for about 10 seconds... long enough for everyone on the field and in the stands to see Nelson bob his head back and forth inches away from Adolpho's crotch. The rest of the team looked at each other and started laughing. We were forgetting our previous frustrations.

We ended up losing that game but more importantly we rediscovered our friendship, our brotherhood. I guess we all learned an important lesson that day. We learned that Nelson was gay so we kicked him off the team. Adolpho too just in case.


ps just joking about the kicking off the team bit. I couldn't help myself.


Melissa said...

This is TOTALLY the shit! I LOVE it. Keep going. The head bobbing? Priceless.

nobich said...

Good one!!

question girl said...

LMOA - i can't wait to learn more...

Tbone Stallone said...

fucking nice. nothing beats a good homosexual mocktale.

P. S> nice use of the verb felate, i will be using it in a work conversation later this week, this I promise too you.

lastlifeinmyuniverse said...

"I'm not a homosessual" OMG LOL

drëâmè® said...

Ohhh... you play football...

Hm. A gay football player... Hm... That'd be interesting to see.

I haven't visited here in so so long. I shall try to more often.