Friday, October 27, 2006

Footall, Fight Club, and Kick Ass Homo Love Songs

I re-joined the rec football team I played for a few years back. For the most part its pretty fun, but sometimes there can be a bit of in-fighting that gets old pretty quick. We had our first practise yesterday.

On my way to the indoor field where we practise and play, I stopped by the book store and picked up Hunter S. Thompson's "The Rum Diaries" and Chuck Palahniuk's "Choke". The girl at reception was suprisingly super flirty with me. It freaked me out cuz she was pretty. She looked like she was half-white and half-black and had a pretty nice athletic body. In contrast, I hadn't showered yet, hadn't shaved in a week. I was wearing black Nike shorts, a t-shirt whose collar was tearing and an oversized black hooded Public Emeny sweatshirt. She looked like Sweet Mary Sunshine and I looked like the fucking Unibomber.

Bookstore Girl: Ohhhh, awesome!! I've always wanted to read Choke. Have you read Fight Club?

Hootch: No, but its pretty cool how the movie was so popular they decided to make it into a book

Bookstore Girl: ....

Hootch: (mumbles) Sorry, that was dumb.

Bookstore Girl: They'll probably make some of his other books into movies as well.

Hootch: Probably.

Bookstore girl: I've always wanted to read other stuff by Chuck Palahiuk. Just never got around to it, I guess.

Hootch: I know, sometimes its tough to find the time to read, especially when you work in a bookstore.

Bookstore Girl: Alright. Are you being funny with me? Cuz if you are its not working. I let the first dumb joke slide but this is now the second one. I dont know who you think you are... a comedian or something?

Hootch: Jerry fuckin Lewis. Now can I have my books please.

Bookstore girl: Not so fast. You have to make it up to me.

Hootch: Make what up to you?!

Bookstore Girl: Make it up to me for your dumb jokes.

Hootch: I do, eh? What is it that you want me to do?

Bookstore girl: You have to come back when you've finished Choke and report to me how you liked it.

Hootch: Oh, is that all?! Do you want the report to be hand written, also?

BookStore girl: No. You can give it to me orally.

Hootch: Oh, for sure. But do you want the report on Choke hand written?

At practise I saw alot of my friends I haven't seen in quite a while. We did what all good friends do when reunited after a long absence. We started insulting each other.

Kenny (looking at my clothes and poor grooming): Holy fuck, Hootch. When did you become homeless?

Hootch: Around the same time you started giving out blow-jobs.

Arial: Kenny, you've been giving out blow-jobs and you haven't told me?

Kenny: Only to your dad, Arial.

Sammy: Okay, ladies!! Lets do this. Lets do this!! Lets play dis game cuz I am ready to knock someone da fuck out.

Tully: Who invited this guy? Sammy everyone knows you suck shit so stop trying to talk a big game, alright. Now, go get me a coffee, fag.

It was like a scene from an after-school special. Warmed the cockles of my heart to be part of something so touching. I half-expected Barbara Streisand to emerge from the boys locker room singing "Feelings... nothing more than feelings..."

Alright, everybody sing. One time for yo' mind:

Feelings, wo-o-o feelings
Wo-o-o feel you in my arms again

Dont pretend you dont know the words, motherfuckers:

Feelings, Feelings,
Like I never lost you
And feelings like I've never
Have you again in my heart...again

Everyone again, from the top. And this time put a little soul into it:

Wo-wo-wo feeeeeelings....


Baby Toby said...


nobich said...

Go bookstore girl- she's sassy!!!!
wooo feelings......

Tbone Stallone said...

'Choke' is excellent, 'The Survivor' is another chuck read, but 'Choke' drops bombs.

You need to get back to the bookstore and take that athletic mulatta under the bleachers for some anglo-blaxon magic.

question girl said...

i cannot believe you know the lyrics to "feelings"

and your jokes ROCK

Elaine said...

You and your friends witty repartee makes me want to be a dude sometimes. If you joked around with a chick about her handing out blow jobs, she gets all feelings and shit.

Feeeeeelllilngggs...nothing more than Feeeelliiingggsss......(thanks, that's in my head now..)

Freak Magnet said...

I prefer You Don't Bring Me Flowers.

Because you don't.


Me said...

You're so funny...


lastlifeinmyuniverse said...

im jealous. i swear all the men i want are either taken, gay, or a million light years away.

2 Dollar Productions said...

Tbone's right as Choke is pretty solid, and I really like "The Rum Diary" as I have a signed copy from Dr. Thompson on my shelf.

As for the bookstore girl, I think it's the I'm don't give a shit attitude and smart-ass remarks that works every time.

Every damn time.

The Boob Lady said...

Palahniuk is a God. His writing is phenomenal. I've got 'em all.. Keep it up if you haven't. If you have.. Kudos.