Sunday, July 01, 2007

Mix one cup of wigger with a tablespoon of Debbie Gibson = Fergie's video

Dear Fergie Ferg,

What in the world is going on, sister? I mean, I spend countless hours trying to fight against the increasing tide of popular opinion that you were born with a penis and this is how you repay me - with the Big Girls Dont Cry video?!

I hear the masses say "oh man, for sure Fergie was born with a dick" and without any consideration for my own dwindling popularity I steadfastly and earnestly defend your genetalia "NO WAY, SCREW YOU GUYS!!! Fergie was not born with a penis alright!! Its just that all the steroids she's done only make her clit look like a penis, okay!!" And as thanks for my efforts you bust out the Debbie Gibson look from the 80's?!?!?!


For heaven's sake, Fergie, I haven't been able to masturbate to you once since I've seen that "Big Girls Dont Cry" video. Trust me I've tried. I imagine, like always, we're doing it doggie style. I ask you "How do you like it, baby? Am I as good as Wil.I.Am? In my fantasies previous to the Big Girls Dont Cry Video" you'd say something like "you're better, big daddy". But now when we're doing it doggie and I ask you the same question you turn your head and its not even you any longer ... its not your face I see any more... its Debbie Gibson's. And when she opens her mouth rather suggest we smoke weed or compliment my ergonomically shaped penis, all she does is sing "El-ec-tric Youth". I never knew my balls could recede so fast into my lower abdomen.

Anyway, Fergie, I know as an artist you constantly want to evolve and explore different aspects of your personality and creativity. But you can still evolve as an artist and look like a wigger hootchie-mama. Please dont change your image for the sake of artistic growth. I mean, if you feel some change in your image is necessary try and follow the path Rhianna as taken. Despite the fact that her repertoire of songs and sounds have expanded exponentially she still rocks that amazonian fuck goddess look.

Please Fergie. Think about it. There is no way I could ever masturbate to this:

9 comments:

Me said...

LMAO....

Fuck goddess--that's what I wanna be.

Jackass Jenn said...

deeply insightful.

2 Dollar Productions said...

If you saw the Playboy with Debbie Gibson in it then that evidence might alter your opinion.

The Boob Lady said...

Speechless. Hootch, you continue to make me smile. And, I'm pretty sure it's a cock. Not, as you suggest, a large clitoris.

Elaine said...

THAT'S A MAN BAYYYBEEEE.....

oh and btw, this month she is Puerto Rican. She's scheduled to be a wigger in the late summer months.

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

wow. you guys are really too nice to have commented on such a shit piece. thanks.

me - you'll always be a fuck goddess to me.

j.jenn - I know, eh? Its almost like tapping into the mind of Noam Chomsky, or something.

$2 - perhaps. I'm googling it right now.

boob lady - recent evidence suggests you may be right. Another dream turned to dust.

Elaine - thats my favorite line of all time. I use it at least once a week and no one seems to know what the fuck I'm talking about or making reference to. Maybe its in my delivery.

J7 L7+ said...

Crystal meth is a cruel mistress, indeed. Turns-up those cheek-bones and stretches out those eye sockets.

And she WAS, in fact, born with both penis and vagine. She kept the vagine and now her penis sings in a group called The Black-eyed Penises.

H.Wood said...

I'm not sure about her schlong history, but I know she had a nose job. She used to look like Gonzo, with a huge clit.

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

j7 - yeah. Plus its put on at least 25 years on hear appearance-wise

h.wood - gonzo with a huge clit? Be still my beating heart.