Saturday, August 05, 2006

the mother of all ailments - constipation

Okay. So here I am today drinking an ungodly amount of Metamucil trying to counter the affects of the Popeye's fried chicken skin and grease that have conspired to form some sorta impenetrable airtight seal inside my asshole.

I ate Popeye's fried chicken, yesterday, for the first time and since then I haven't shit. Not once. Not even a little nugget. Its been more than 36 hours and thats unheard of for me. I'm normally good for 3 shits every 2 days - one shit each morning and another "wildcard" shit throughout the course of the remaining timeperiod.

Seriously, immediate action is required. I'm about to shoot a large bowl of Raisin Bran up my ass. Do I have everything I need? Let me take an inventory:

Raisin Bran Cereal - check.
Skim Milk - check.
Mazola Oil (for lubrication) - check.
Industrial Sized Turkey Baster - check.

Okay, I'm all ready. "I'm going in" says the Turkey Baster.

If I die in some sorta self-administered enema type of accident, please pull the turkey baster out of my ass before the authorities find my body.

Wish me luck.


Me said...

Is NewCootch coming over to help you with this little project? ;)


Melissa said...

It's not the Popeye's. Trust me on this one. All that grease should make you shit like the Titanic. How many of those biscuits did you eat?

question girl said...

prune? prune juice? broccoli? oranges? spinach?

i also strongly urge you to STAY AWAY FROM THE TREADMILL/ELIPTICAL/FREE WEIGHTS until you empty.....

Freak Magnet said...

I think I'm the only person alive who can't say how often I drop the kids off at the pool.

lastlifeinmyuniverse said...

"form some sorta impenetrable airtight seal inside my asshole"

careful hootch. you may be attracting a different kind of crowd with that description there ;)

Freak Magnet said...

It'll probably up the hits on his site.

Elaine said...

"wildcard" shit!


Good luck with your labor and don't forget to breath and BEAR DOWN!!!!

Lowry said...

What Question Girl said...working out sucks when you have to shit.