Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Huner's Bachelor Party; Part II Huner's Confession

As the evening slowly progresses, we are solicited by Toronto's most expensive implants and bombarded with really shitty Eurotrash pop tunes. Some of the girls look alright, but its too early to commit to any one stripper for Huner. Sterg and Mally get up from the table to scope the joint out. As they leave I hear the beginnings of the first song I actually like come over the club's stereo system.

You're keeping in step

In the line
Got your chin held high and you feel just fine
Cause you do
What you're told
But inside your heart it is black and it's hollow and it's cold

Just how deep do you believe?
Will you bite the hand that feeds?
Will you chew until it bleeds?
Can you get up off your knees?
Are you brave enough to see?
Do you want to change it?

The Hand That Feeds from Nine Inch Nails. I turn around to see who the girl is thats dancing to the song. Its some post apocolyptic chick dressed in torn fishnets and a torn generic athletic jersey, a tiny latex skirt and a short black wig. She's not really my type but I gotta give her props for playing a song I like.

"You like that chick?" Huner asks.
"She's alright", I answer. "I like the song more".
Huner: Do you remember that chick from your birthday party?

Hootch: Which one?
Huner: The skinny one with the massive implants.
Hootch: You have to be more specific than that.
Huner: She looked like a beater. She was the one who told you she was gonna become a world famous rapper.
Hootch: Oh fuck. Yeah. She was a fuckin disaster. Did you hear her rhymes?
Huner: I thought she was pretty good.
Hootch: Pretty good?! Oh fuck, Huner, she's so bad she makes Vanilla Ice sound like Chuck D.
Huner: She was hot though.
Hootch: I dunno. I hate implants.
Huner: How can you hate implants?! Oh wait, I know. You probably think implants are a manifestation of man's effort to demean women or some shit, right?
Hootch: No, I just think they feel too hard.

The post apocolyptic girl finishes dancing to her first song. She goes back stage to prepare for the remainder of her set. The club's DJ plays the second song she selects. Another one of my favorites. Sweet little sister by the Mark Inside.

Sweet little sister I cant take much more of this
Come over here for just one little kiss
Sweet little sister if you think you want more
My door is open, girl
Leave your clothes on the floor

Hootch: Oh fuck, this song is the coolest.
Huner: Who sings it?
Hootch: The Mark Inside.
Huner: Never heard of 'em

Hootch: Once I saw them at ...
Huner: (interrupting) Do you think she will be here?
Hootch: Who?
Huner: The beater chick.
Hootch: Naw, I dont think so. She's too ghetto for a place like this.
Huner: I was talking to her for a bit at your party. I thought she was sweet. She had a kind of innocence about her.
Hootch: Huner, at the end of the night she asked me and Sterg if we wanted to tag team her.
Huner: She did?! What did you guys say?
Hootch: We said "Hell Yeah". Its was awesome too... except for the part where I slipped it in Sterg's asshole by accident.

Huner looks at me like he cant decide whether to cry or lunge across the table and stab me .

Hootch: Huner! Dude! I'm joking. Nothing happened. I just went home afterward. What's up with you today, man. Why all these questions. Is everything alright?
Huner: Hootch, I have to tell you something. Something I haven't told anyone else yet.
Hootch: You're not gonna tell me you're gay are you?
Huner: What?! No.
I dont know why I said that. I'm really drunk. If you are gay thats okay. I joke alot but thats because I'm an idiot. Its cool if you're gay. It really is. I mean, some of my best friends are black.
Huner: What?!?! No, never mind. I'm not gay, okay. Would you listen to me?

Sterg and Mally return from their implant safari.

Mally: Whats going on?
Hootch: Huner is gay
Sterg: Huner is gay!

Hootch: Dont you judge him, Sterg, you homophobe.
Mally: Holy! How much has Hootch had to drink?
Hootch: ...and Mally, you are the worst out of all of us!!
Mally: Me!? What'd I do?
Hootch: You dont even have any black friends, you sick bastard.
Huner: Will everyone shut the fuck up and sit down. I. AM NOT. GAY. But I do have something important I have to say. Something I need to confess to you all.


Melissa said...

Ya bunch of atavistic mouth breathers. Huner nailed the beater chick.

Elaine said...

Hmm, its gotta be something bigger than huner nailing the beater chick...maybe the beater chick nailing hunor...with a strap on...while had one of those rubber ball gags in his mouth...and turns out it really wasn't a strap and BEATER CHICK WAS A DUDE!!!

Okay, so its probably not that good, I'm distracting myself from the fact that I'm going to kill you with this "to be continued" can you leave cootchies a hangin?? (ewww that sounded like I described Pamela Anderso or something..)

am I babbling? is this the longest comment on earth... ???



Elaine said...

^^^^^excuse the horror that is that comment up there ^^^^^

I've had wine.

two glasses.

Drunk already.


Me said...

Oh yeah, he nailed her. But the whole time he was thinking of Hootch. ;)

lastlifeinmyuniverse said...


i shouldve been there to witness it all.

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

Melissa - good guess but no. I initially thought the same tho.

Elaine - You are a visionary/trailblazer. I was actually thinking of implementing a two drink minimum before anyone comes to my blog.

Me - I dont think I'm Huner's type. Implants would just look too weird on me.

Lastlife - (regarding your previous comment) close up image of champagne bottle popping and overflowing, of fruit juice suddenly squiting out the top of the straw from its juice box, of volcano erupting etc etc (once again, intended in the most non-creepy, unassuming, non-internet pervert type of way...unless of course you dig creeps and internet perverts ;)

lastlifeinmyuniverse said...

gasp... you found my gspot... i meant, soft spot :>

drëâmè® said...

I like this... :) lol it made me laugh and it kept me reading which is a pretty big deal, cuz I can't usually read and pay attention to stories as much when I'm on the computer.

I'm Sahar by the way :)

Freak Magnet said...

What the hell did he confess? Or is that not the point of the blog?

2 Dollar Productions said...

This sounds like a few bachelor parties I've been to in Vegas, and maybe the upcoming confession is that he's in love with a gay black man.

Probably too obvious.

As for the implants, maybe you just haven't found ones that have been to a top-flight doctor as I hate to discriminate against any type of boobs.

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

lastlife - lol, very nice.

Sahar - Pleased to make your acquantance. Thanks for the kind words!

Freak Magnet - No. I'll get to it soon. And I'm never quite sure what the point of my blog is.

Two Dollar - your words of non-discrimination and tolerance, my friend, are reminicent of Ghandi and Martin Luther King.

Me said...

Where is the end to this story?? Ekkk!!!!

I'm dying here. LOL.