I Dig Hootch and Cootch

Afterhours in the store

2008-09-24T09:45:00.002-04:00

Alright. So Georgey was in the bathroom firing off a frothy one to the pictorial of Meagan Fox in this month's Maxim magazine, Davey-boy was busy dropping his balls on the mouthpiece of the cosmeticians' telephone and I, having done both already, was thinking about all the different ways the new Conservative's tax was gonna fuck up my Income Trust investments. The store was closed, so it was a good place to think... or to jack yourself a soda, or to booby trap telephones.

I find myself "working" alot more than I had originally intended. It appears as though some fulltime motherfucker had a crate of homo milk fall on his head. Work asked me to pick up some of the extra hours and, reluctantly, I agreed.

Work(on the phone): Hootch, did I wake you?

Hootch: Yeah. I was in the middle of my favorite dream where me and Dana Perino run away and become Menonites.

Work: Oh. Sorry 'bout that.

Hootch. It was just getting to the best part, too. The part where she uses my dick to churn the butter, then she cleans me off by..

Work: (interrupting): Okay, okay I get the picture. Listen, we've had an accident here and we need you to pick up some extra hours.

Hootch: Like how many extra hours?

Work: Like, 40 hours a week. We want you to work a fulltime regular shift. You know, like most grown men do.

Hootch: Dude, you're gonna, like, totally fuck up my daytrading.

Work: What daytrading? You just told me you were in the middle of a dream where US Press Secretary blows you.

Hootch: Hey, its what I do to prepare, okay. It helps take the edge off.

Anyway, in the end I agreed to pick up a few more hours in the evening. Its not as bad as I thought it'd be. I initially thought the fact that I have a University degree would fuck with my ego. I didn't thinkI'd be able to deal with working every day (even if it is only 4 to 5 hours a shift) making $9 an hour. Yeah, I have a university degree. Masters in basketweaving, motherfuckers. Almost as useless as a degree in philosophy.

Alright, lastly a review of my stock picks from last week:

(1) Potash. bought last week at 164.50; trading now at 173.24.
(2) Teck Comminco. Bought last week at 33.90; now trading at $35.00
(3) Pengrowth Energy Trust. Bought last week at 16.25; now trading at 17.26
(4) BCE. bought last week at 33.75; now trading at 37.10
(5) Yellow Pages Income Trust. bought last week at 9.00; now trading at 9.70

I'm going to add two more to the list.

Fording Coal Income Trust. I actually bought this last thursday, at a lower price but we'll say I picked it up today. Its trading now at $79. Its been bought out by Teck Comminco for $82 a share plus 0.245 a Teck Comminco share for every fording share you have. Because of the mess with the US banks there are now questions if the financing is actually in place to complete the deal. I say it is. If the deal goes through, Fording shares will be worth between 88-92 a share in less than a month.

Agrium at 81.50. Just a badass company that's scheduled to make more than $10 a share next year. It could go lower but over the long term there is very little doubt this bitch is going higher.

Adios.

back... and flatout broke

2008-09-17T10:42:00.003-04:00

Whats up, motherfuckers? I'm still alive, although probably not disease-free any more given the fact I've been pounding Maryanne's vag, again, on a semi-frequent basis. Still refusing to find a real job as well, despite any previous lukewarm success in daytrading spiraling into daily unlubricated ass-rapes from the market's monster cock. To combat the loss of thousands of dollars a day, from my bank account, I've increased the number of hours I work at Sterg's pharmacy from 10 hours a week to 15 hours. Couple this with my recent raise from $8.50 to $9.00 an hour and I'm sure you can easily see I'm the picture of financial stability.

Now, I know alot of you are thinking "Hootch, but you're so fucking smart and your balls taste like Certs breath mints, how can you be doing so poorly in the stock market?!? I dont believe you. I bet you are doing fucking awesome!!"

Ok. Fine. So to prove I am just as good as losing money as that fag, Kramer, is I will update my blog with my recent stock plays and reasons for buying. Ready?

Potash Corp (tsx). Purchased again today at $164.50. Next year's earnings are going to be in the neighbourhood of $20 per share giving POT a p/e ratio of about 8. Good enough for me. $155 is my stop/loss.

Teck Comminco (tsx). Purchased today at $33.90. Really fucking inexpensive given this year's earnings and an even better buy using next year's estimates. Can the stock go lower? Sure, but the upside is huge if the markets ever turn around. Stop/Loss at $33.

Pengrowth Energy Trust (tsx). Purchased yesterday at $16.25. As long as oil doesn't nosedive much further I have no plans on selling this bitch. Paying me a dividend of 16.5% in monthly installments is incentive enough for me to hold.

Yellow Pages Income Trust (tsx) Purchased today at $9.00. Boring. Wont hit a home run with this one but paying me a 13% dividend in monthly payments. Company plans on keeping its high yield even after the cocksucking Conservative party forces them to change from a Trust to a Corporation. Wont sell unless fundamentals change.

BCE (tsx) purchased today at $33.75. BCE was boughtout a few years ago by a consortium lead by the Ontario Teachers Pension Plan for $42.75 a share. The closing of the deal has been delayed by legal arguments presented by bondholders (all fags). These legal arguments have been dismissed by the Supreme Court of Canada. However, now the shareprice is dropping because there is apparent uncertainty over the ability to obtain financing for the deal. I think the money is already in place and its just a matter of time before this bitch hits the takeout price. Will hold unless the deal falls apart. Reward far outweighs the risk, in my opinion.

talk to you later, alligators.

May 31, 2008

2008-05-31T18:17:00.004-04:00

Honestly, how hot is Dana Perino. May be the best looking chick over 60, and the hottest republican with a vagina next to Tucker Carlson.

I just finished watching about 72 consecutive hours of trash MTV "reality" television (love it) and I keep asking myself the question "who the fuck is Tila Tequila and why is she famous". I mean, apart from the obvious - having the smallest chin and biggest forehead combo in the world. I guess another question I have is where does MTV find the retards to be on her show?

Fuck, I'm hooked big on The Real World, Hollywood. Its sooo funny how MTV picked the fucking alcoholic juicebag to be one of the roommates. You cant tell me the execs of the show were thinking "okay, lets select the guy on steroids with the drinking problem to be on the show. If we're lucky, he may fly off the handle on an epic roid rage. If we are really lucky he may kill someone on camera..."

Heartless bastards. Yet I still watch.

friday night lights and my retirement plan

2008-05-15T10:23:00.003-04:00

GXS now at $6.85. Touched $8.00 a few days ago. I sold everything I had left at 6.90. Bought me at least another few months of watching Star Trek re-runs in my underwear and downloading porno in stead of looking for a real job. Sweet.

Bought Season 2 of Friday Night Lights. Awesome. Every single relationship between characters in that show is interesting. The show has made my cry on more than a few occasions between the two seasons. Its hilarious.

Hootch: I bought Friday Night Lights

Sister: The movie?

Hootch: No. The show.

Sister: There is a show?

Hootch: Yeah. Its awesome. Its actually made me tear up a few times.

Sister: What, the show? How come? Did someone die or something. Is there a lot of tragedy? Cuz I cant handle that shit either.

Hootch: No. No one dies.

Sister: What were you crying for then.

Hootch: Well, in one episode, Landry catches this game winning touchdown and I just couldn't hold back the emotion.

Sister: (staring in disbelief) You are a loser.

Hootch: No, like you dont understand. There was, like, 3 seconds on the clock. It was the last play of the game. It spoke to my collective unconscious - man triumphing against all odds

Actually, Landry didn't catch the ball but thats besides the point. The show is awesome and the chicks are hot.

Bought Timminco shares a few days ago, again. I mentioned this stock previously when in was in its teens a few months back. I bought the shares at 21.18. Yesterday it closed at 24.90. The stock is volatile as a motherfucker. There are alot of people in the investment community who have bet that the company's claims of low capital costs and multi-year contract are all lies. Several weeks ago Timminco hired a 3rd party to run a review of its operations and product. Yesterday that 3rd party presented their findings in an hour long press conference. They said Timminco, even with minimal effort, with the existing ramp up in their business can expect to earn upwards of one billion dollars in operating profit in 2010. Cha-ching. I expect the stock to still act volatile as those who "bet" (or shorted) against the stock continue with their campaign of disinformation but Ive decided to make Timminco my retirement fund.

basketball diaries

2008-05-08T18:19:00.002-04:00

Last night I ventured out of my hole and visited the "Y". I planned to spend a quiet evening shooting a few baskets. Maybe afterward if I had time I would hit the crosstraining machine. That was the plan, anyway.

I stepped in the Y. It was fucking jammed. The locker room was ridiculous. We were like sardines in there. Making matters worse was the fact that every second guy was naked. I felt like I just stepped onto the set of a gay porno. I began to feel a little anxious. "Ok", I thought "should I just do what you're supposed to do when you get thrown in prison for the first time? Should I knock the fuck out of some unsuspecting stranger as fair warning for all not to violate my personal space? Maybe I'll throw in a solid ass rape for good measure".

Thankfully though I I found an empty locker, changed clothes and got the fuck out of dodge before I had to lay the wood on some fuck who doesn't know any better than to come within a 2 ft radius of me when not wearing underwear. Its not like I'm homophobic or anything. Its just that if any part of your dick touches me, guy-code stipulates that I must beat the shit out of you then fuck your girlfriend and/or any female member of your family. I'm not homophobic, at all. Some of my best friends suck wang.

The basketball courts were crowded. All the courts had games going on them. I wouldn't be able to shoot/practice by myself on a court, like I wanted. The only way I could play was if I teamed up with two other guys and challenged the winning team on one of the courts. I didn't know anyone in the gym and it looked like everyone else had their 3s. Shit. Just as I thought about heading back home I was approached by 3 Chinese dudes. Collectively they may have weighed about as much as a chopstick.

Chinese1: (spoken with an accent) Are you looking for a team?

Hootch: Yeah.

Chinese1: Do you wanna play with us?

Hootch: Uhhh, ok. Dont you already have 3 though?

Chinese1: Not anymore. Vincent broke his glasses during the last game.

Hootch: That sucks. How did he break them?

Chinese1: That guy (pointing to one of the players on the court) hit him with an elbow in the eye.

Hootch: Ah. If we play that guy again we'll kill his team.

Chinese1: You think so?

Hootch: Ahh, hell yeah. All we have to do is play defense and communicate between the three of us at all times. Vincent can help by being, like, our coach.

Chinese1: Very good.

Hootch: We'll do good. By the way, I'm Hootch.

Chinese1: Oh, hello. I am Charles and our third is Matthew.

Hootch: Hey guys, nice to meet you.

Chinese1: Oh, one thing, Hootch.

Hootch: Whats that, brother.

Chinese1: Vincent and Matthew dont speak any english.

May 6, 2008 (afternoon ramblings)

2008-05-06T13:15:00.003-04:00

I booked the rest of this week off from work. I was only scheduled to go in 3 days from 5 to 10 but I asked the Malbomber if he wanted to take my shifts. Mally recently bought a condo and he somehow thinks making $9 an hour 3 days a week is gonna help him cover his mortgage. He has a real job that pays pretty well but I guess the extra work at the pharmacy eases his mind a little and keeps him out of trouble.

With the weather warming up the girls at the store, workers and customers, are looking prettier and prettier. Ever since university, spring has always been my favorite time of year. Spring because its when all the girls begin to shed their winter clothing and you see skin again for the first time in months. Multi-layered halter tops or spaghetti straps turns just about any female into my fantasy woman. A few weeks ago I saw CameronDiazLookaLikeButWithaLargerHead take off her work shirt at the end of her shift. It was just me and her in the lunch room and she pulled off her shirt revealing a LuLu Lemon spaphetti strap thingy. I almost blasted a whole right there in my underwear.

"You want me to leave?" I asked

"No, its alright". She answered.

Totally awesome, I thought. Please let her take off her pants and underwear next.

There are alot of fucking hot girls that come in the store. I mean, it doesn't do me any good cuz I really doubt any chick is gonna see me and say "wow. That 34 year old man making $9 an hour is totally hot". Its funny cuz whenever I'm engaged in a conversation with any customer I always make it a priority to point out that working at the pharmacy is not my real job.

Female Customer: Do you have any astroglide cuz I'm such a nympho I just about fuck every guy that has a real job

Hootch: Ahhh, I'm not certain. I'm pretty sure we do but let me double check. I'm only here two days a week. This is not my real job, you know.

Female Customer: Oh, its not. Where else do you work.

Hootch: Well, technically I dont work anywhere else.

Female Customer: Oh, so you're unemployed?

Hootch: Oh, no. I day-trade.

Female Customer: Cool (already unzipping my pants) . You mean like with Morgan Stanley or somethinig.

Hootch: No, ahhh...actually in my basement. I just day trade by myself through my discount broker account.

Female Customer: Ohhhhhh, (sounding disappointed and zipping my pants back up). Can you hurry up with the astro-glide please. I think the crazy guy on the corner who dances for spare change makes more money than you and I'm totally gonna sit on his face.

May 6, 2008

2008-05-06T05:36:00.003-04:00

Just saw the most wicked Veronica Mars episode. It was the one where she was totally 69ing this fat hairy greek guy... oh... hold on a second... that wasn't an actual episode... I think that was just a dream I had last night.

Started reading "Journey to the End of the Night" a few days ago. So far, pretty awesome.

GXS up to 4.55 yesterday before it was halted. The company issued a press release, at 3:15, detailing the quality of the coal they hit. Sounds good to me but I'm not a geologist. Maybe the apparent excitement in the news release was all spin. Either way another company that applied for a permit right beside GXS' land started moving as soon as the GXS news was out. I guess the speculation there is that hopefully the body of coal extends over into SMI's land as well. I got in SMI at 41 cents. Today will either be a really big payday or I probably go broke once GXS resumes trading and SMI takes its cue.
----------------------------------

Ha! I guess as should have been expected both GXS and SMI did the exact opposite of what I anticipated. They neither skyrocketed or dropped to their knees faster than Veronica Mars looking for clues in my underwear. They're basically flat so far for the day. I'll probably sell most of these holdings and only keep a small position as basically a lottery ticket. GXS the past 2 weeks was a sweet trade though.

This morning I watched the House of Flying Daggers with the commentary on. Pretty cool. The director, Yimou Zhang, basically said he had the lead male eating peanuts in the first three scenes of the movie because he was concerned that North American audiences wouldn't be able able to identify him, at first, from the other Asian faces. I thought that was hilarious. Then Ziyi Zhang, the female lead, admitted having difficulty differentiating between North American faces in movies. She normally focuses on one facial feature to distinguish between people "like the bridge of their nose" she said. Bridge of their nose?! Man, if she ever runs into me, the feature I hope she focuses on is the bulge in my pants.

April 30, 2008

2008-04-30T12:58:00.002-04:00

Went to work yesterday. Shift was from 5pm to 9pm but I arrived 30 minutes late. Pretty much fucked the dog as shit was slow. Came home. Watched as the Spurs discarded the Suns with robot-like efficiency.

Woke up this morning. Finally showered. Popped in the chicken nuggets I bought yesterday from the pharmacy. DAMN, SON!! They were good.

Ran on the treadmill and watched the retards on CNN debate over the content of Jeremiah Wright's recent public speaking appearances. Pretty divisive, I think. I also think here's an old man trying to milk his 15 minutes. Seems to me he's not pulling any punches trying to mark his place in history right beside Malcom X and MLK. I wonder how he'd like it if a white preacher went on television and gave his impersonation of a black man practising his faith. When Wright gave his impresssion of a white marching band yesterday I thought "ok, this guy has completely lost it".

GXS is up to 3.30. Up from the 2.40 I bought 2 days ago and from the 1.30 I bought on Friday.

Kung Fu movie time.

April 28, 2008

2008-04-28T22:18:00.003-04:00

Woke up around 6am. Popped in and watched an episode of Veronica Mars while I ate CornPops out of a salad bowl.

Around 7am I debated showering and decided against it. I fired up the computer and checked out my favorite porn site. I searched for any new mpegs of black chicks doing white guys. No dice.

Around 9am I checked in briefly with a few financial websites and the retards on CNBC and Business News Television to get a feel of what the day may have in store.

The stock I bought yesterday (GXS) at 1.33 (it closed yesterday at 1.97) opened at 1.90 today. Within the first 45 minutes of trading it ran up to around 2.95. I set a stop/loss at 2.33 and left to do some grocery shopping. I catch some lunch at a sandwich joint and head home.

At home I pop in another episode of Veronica Mars and contemplate firing one off to Ms. Mars. One cream soda later I fire up the computer again to see what's happening with my GXS. My stop/loss has been hit. The stock is now at 2.15. Sweet.

I take a nap thinking it'd be pretty rad doggie styling Veronica Mars. I wake up. I check my computer and find GXS moving up. The reason it moved yesterday was because the company drilled and struck coal. They dont know what the quality of the coal is but the deposit appears to be quite large as they struck what they believed to be the same body of coal when they drilled another hole 1.5 kilometers further away. Today the company announced they believe the coal encountered in the drill holes is of the Cretaceous age and the results defining the quality of coal are expected prior to the week's end.

Now, one of either two things will happen. (A) the quality of the coal will be good and with only 17 million shares outstanding, in the company, the stock will more than beef up my bank account. Or (B) the quality of coal will be poor and the stock will drop quickly well below $1. Because of some success I've had previously, I think I can afford the risk. I buy back in at 2.40 and will wait until the results are announced.

Between 4:30 and 5:30 pm I excersize.

6:00, I google "Cretaceous Age and coal" hoping to get an indication of what the quality of coal may be that GXS found. After 5 minutes I lose interest and go back and visit my favorite porn site. Still, no new black chick on white guy mpegs.

7:30 I watch the Raps outhink themselves and lose to Orlando. Really, is there any reason we have to 2ble team fucking Rashad Lewis and Hedo Turkoglou every fucking time down the court? We're way more athletic than they are. We should have handled them one-on-one and TJ Ford and Calderon should have eaten Jameer Nelson's lunch but unfortunately, it didn't go down that way.

Now, getting ready to watch Kobe ass fuck the Nuggets.

(By mentioning GXS here I'm almost positive I've jinxed myself and the stock. The stock may go to zero tomorrow and I'll be forced to rely on the kindness of strangers to make ends meet).

dont call it a comeback

2008-04-27T20:07:00.002-04:00

Hey.

Been kinda out of the loop for a while. Hope everyone is doing well. I'm okay. Still trading. Still working a few days a week at the pharmacy. HotBlackChick is long gone. So is any ambition and desire to look for a real job or a real relationship.

I've been pretty much living the life of a recluse lately. If it wasn't for the few days at work my social interactions would amount to zero. And even then, most of the people I talk to at work are the junkies that try to shoplift powdered baby formula to mix their crack with.

I guess the closest thing I have to a relationship right now is with the diminutive but spunky Veronica Mars. I make sure and catch up with her at least once a day, while I work the treadmill at home. Other than that and the crackheads - zero social interaction. Pretty soon I'm pretty sure I'll lose or forget the ability to communicate in a socially acceptable manner. I'll just be all grunts and crotch grabbing. Although in all fairness, I think crotch grabbing is highly underestimated and underappreciated as a means of expression.

conversation at work

2008-02-27T18:46:00.004-05:00

Hootch: Hey, what's going on?

Babyface: Not much. Me and prettygreekgirl finally did it.

Hootch: You did?! Thats awesome, man.

Babyface: It took me long enough.

Hootch: I thought you guys were only going out for 2 weeks.

Babyface: We have. I thought the blue balls were gonna kill me.

Hootch: You are my fucking hero.

Babyface: What about you and HBC? Have you guys... (does his weird arm gesture that I imagine means "had sex")

Hootch: A gentleman never kisses and tells.

Babyface: ...

Hootch: She gave me a blowjob on our first date (I lied).

Babyface: Fuck, I almost jizzed right there thinking about HBC giving peepa (blowjob in greek), you lucky fuck.

Hootch: Hey, I thought I told you to text me when you were about to deflower PGG.

Babyface: I almost did. It was so retarded. We were at my house and I was in my bathroom looking for my Magnum Xtra Large Condoms... (laughs)

Hootch: (laughing) Shyyaat up. I dont care how many times we use that joke, its, like, the best ever.

Babyface: I was in the bathroom. She was waiting for me in my bedroom. I had the text all written out and was about to hit "send" but I thought "what the fuck am I doing? I'm sending Hootch a text, like I'm a hero, cuz I finally busted a nut on prettygreekgirl?! She's not even that pretty".

Hootch: What?!

Babyface: Ahh, I dont think prettygreekgirl is all that pretty.

Hootch: WHAT?!

Babyface: I dont, man. I shouldn't have even asked her out. I only asked her out cuz you kept going on about her being hot and an unappreciated beauty in the pharmacy. I dont even think she makes my top 5 in the pharmacy, dude.

Hootch: You're crazy, guy. PGG has been holding down the number one spot on my top 3 list in the pharmacy ever since I started working in this shithole.

Babyface: No. No way.

Hootch: Want me to hit you with some truth? Dont get hurt now. BAMM!! Top three: (1) PGG, (2) SuperhotChineseJailBait, and (3) CameronDiazlookalikebutwithabighead.

Babyface: And you're calling me crazy, HBC isn't in your top 3?! You're insane! Dude, every guy in here thinks she's the best looking girl in the store by far except you.

Hootch: I know. I know she's alright but I only asked her out cuz she made it, like, practically a sure thing. She essentially invited herself to come with me to the basketball game that first night.

Babyface: Why didn't you say "no".

Hootch: I would have felt bad if I told her "no".

Babyface: How come? Cuz she's so nice?

Hootch: No, cuz I didn't want to disappoint you guys.

Babyface: She's fucking hot, dude. I'd waaay rather be banging HBC.

Hootch: Yeah, and I'd rather be with PGG.

Babyface: ...

Hootch: Holy fuck, its like we're in a fucking episode of Three's Company.

Babyface: Maybe we can talk to the girls and arrange to have a foursome and in the middle I can just take HBC and you can take PGG.

Hootch: Ya, but if Mr. Furly catches us he'll kick us out of the apartment for sure.

Babyface: Guy, I'm not a geezer like you. I have no idea who the fuck Mr. Furley is.

While watching "Traffic" and the Oscars on tv last night

2008-02-25T10:16:00.002-05:00

Hootch: You know, someone once told me I look a little like a young Benicio Del Toro.

HBC: Actually, I've always thought you looked quite a bit like Benico Del Toro.

Hootch: Yeah? Cool! He's a pretty good looking guy, eh?

HBC: I don't think he's that good looking.

Hootch: (said jokingly) Fuck off.

HBC: Ahhh, excuse me! Did you just tell me to fuck off?

Hootch: ....

HBC: Well?

Hootch: No.

HBC: Yes, you did.

Hootch: So! You said I was ugly.

HBC: I didn't say you were ugly. What are you, like, 12 years old or something?

Hootch: You look like Oprah.

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Hootch: Come on, anyone but Javier Bartem.

Presenter: And the winner for Best Supporting Actor goes to...

Hootch: Come on. Come on.

Presenter: ...Javier Bartem for No Country For Old Men!!

Hootch: FAACK!!!

HBC: What? What's wrong?

Hootch: The fucking Mexican won.

HBC: Oh, right. The bet. Explain to me again why you thought betting against the favorites was a good idea?

Hootch: I dunno. Probably the same reason I thought inviting you here, was a good idea, also.

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Betting with Oscar

2008-02-24T13:37:00.003-05:00

Alright, here is how we are gonna play this. For the Best Picture award No Country for Old Men is a pretty sizable favorite. There Will Be Blood is the second favorite to win (+450). Atonement is third (+750). Juno is fourth (+1600) and Michael Clayton is fifth (+3500).

I am gonna put $5 on There Will Be Blood, $5 on Atonement, $5 on Juno and $5 on Michael Clayton. If There Will Be Blood wins my payout is $22.50. If Michael Clayton wins (hope hope) my payout is $175. If Atonement or Juno win my payout will be somewhere in between. Of Course if No Country wins I get nothing but the aggravation of trying to explain to HBC why I thought these bets were a good idea.

I'll use the same type of strategy for the other major categories where there is a heavy favorite.

For Best Actor Daniel Day-Lewis is a fucking huuuuge favorite. If you wanted to bet him to win you would have to put down $2500 just to make $100 back. Anyway, I'll put $5 each on George Clooney (+1200), Johnny Depp (+2500), Tommy Lee Jones (+6000) and Viggo Mortensen (+8000). If the Cloon-Dawg wins my payout is ($60). If Viggo Mortensen takes it the payout is $400. I think Viggo and Tommy Lee Jones have less a chance of winning than I do keeping the 20s in my pocket at a strip joint, but if by whatever miracle they do come up the winner and I decided not to play them, I would have to cause myself some serious bodily injury.

Best actress I'll lay off of but I will play Best Director and Best Supporting Actor. The two favorites in each of those categories is The Coen Brothers and Javier Bardem. If anyone else but them win for their respective categories I'll be a happy fucker.

Enjoy the evening.

Any geologists in the house??

2008-02-21T10:34:00.004-05:00

Serves me right for betting against my team.

Been riding a pretty good streak on the markets. Hitting one stock hard on the strength of its commodity price. And what commodity is that, one might ask.

Oil?

No.

Gold?

Good guess, but no, again.

The answer is coal. Yeah, motherfucking coal!! Metallurgical coal, to be exact, but yeah, go figure. With all the advancements in technology, with all the R and D put in alternative energy sources, with all that shit going on its coal thats bringing my ass back from the verge of having to look for a real job. Anyway, the price of the commodity is expected to more than double from last year's prices so yip-dee-fuck-dee-doo for me.
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Looks like I lucked the fuck out this afternoon. Caught a news release just as it was made public and jumped on the stock hoping it would move. The company announced their prospective mining results from the land they own. I could never read those fucking things (too scientific; you practically have to be a geologist to make heads or tails out of it) but I threw a few thousand at it to see what would happen.

In at 0.65. Price now is 1.45. All dumb luck. Makes me feel a little better about that losing streak I was on before. Now the question is when to lock in profits and if to add on a position just before the close hoping the insane momentum will continue tomorrow. The problem is I cant understand the report. I cant tell if the stock is flying cuz the promoters are pushing it or cuz the numbers in the report are that damn good.

The difference could be a couple hundred bucks of profit vs killing it pretty good. Good enough not to worry about bills for a while and concentrate on more fun things like watching movies and hitting on Franki.

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Closed the day at 1.57. Nice. Funny to think I almost sold at 80 cents. Fuck, I would have considered some serious self mutilation if I did. Can never tell what tomorrow brings but looks like the run may continue, at least for a bit. Shit, I always feel like the biggest douche bag when I talk about a stock I own that did/does well. Maybe I should donate half of what I make to charity... or go to the strip club. One or the other as long as I'm giving.

Lets get ready to gamblllllllle!

2008-02-20T19:01:00.003-05:00

Orlando +4 over the Raps.

Labron-bron and the Cavs -2.5 over the Pacers.

I may have slipped into retardation

2008-02-18T13:52:00.009-05:00

It would be totally awesome to live in the 25th Century, cuz then you'd get to dress up like this:

Does it really get any more macho than that? Gold tight-assed pants, you carry a jacket just so you can throw it over your shoulder as you proudly display your knarly chesthair. The jacket over the shoulder is a touch of 25th century fashion genius. It says "yeah, I can cover up my hairy chest if I wanted to, but why should I? I'm taking ownership of the manbeast that lives inside me. Just because we live in the 25th century doesn't mean I've lost touch with my primitive instincts".

Totally fucking cool. In fact, in the 25th century you are encouraged to display your manbeast..., or in the following case your man-birdbeast.

AAAAaaaaaaawwwww yeeeeeahh. Thats what I'm talking about. The perfect fusion of 25th century technology, as illustrated by the impenetrable black body armour contrasted with the feathered helmet which represents the vulnerable yet ferocious animal inside us all. KA-kaw, KA-kaw!!

Plus in the 25th century all the women look like this:

Every single woman, like the above. You see, sometime in the 22nd century they held a contest to see who the hottest looking woman was of all time. And as it turns out, Ricky Shroeder's mom, from Silver Spoons, won (followed by that retarded chick from Headlines News who does the mornings - Robyn, I think her name is). Anyway, from that day on, every single female was cloned to look like Ricky Shroeder's mom. This was widely recognized as a positive step in civilization as far too many women, previously, looked like this:

Have you ever seen Joyce Dewitt and Joan Jett in the same room together?

2008-02-16T08:26:00.007-05:00

A few days ago I was watching The Top 50 Videos of the 80's with HBC. I'm not really a fan of the show or 1980's music but as I was flipping through channels I caught the teaser that promised to play "I love Rock n' Roll" by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts.

Hootch: Have you ever heard that song before?

HBC: No.

Hootch: Oh my gawd. You haven't?!? You're so racist.

HBC: You know, that joke was never funny. Not even the first time you said it.

Hootch: Here comes the video. Watch. This song is awesome.

The song and video begin.

HBC: What the fuck. Is that Janet from Three's Company?

I'll let you decide:

HBC's observation totally blew my fucking mind. I couldn't stop laughing. Its like Janet is the Clark Kent to Superman's Joan Jett.

It was then I decided to reward HBC with some extra hot white boy loving that night.

HBC: (as we are doing it) That feels nice.

Hootch: (continuing to rock her world). Tell me how much you like it.

HBC: Thats feels so nice, honey. Yeah, like that. Keep on doing that.

Hootch: Like that? Tell me how much you like that.

HBC: hmmmmyeeeeah

Hootch: Tell me how much you love white meat.

And with that comment, ladies and gents, combined with the fact that I couldn't stop laughing afterwards, I probably permanently put myself in the shithouse.

It was probably worth it, though. That was a damn good laugh.

The Oscars With My Bookie

2008-02-15T19:11:00.002-05:00

Here are the odds for the Oscars. The lines are provided by my bookie. If you're not familiar with the odds to the right, here are how they work. If I wanted to bet No Country for Old Men to win best picture I would have to put down $333 to win a $100 back (obviously it is the favorite at minus 333). However, if I take a flyer on Michael Clayton to win at plus 4000 I would win $4000 for every $100 I put down. Wow. Obviously movie insiders think Old Country is a lock for best picture.

Anyway, have a look at the odds. Let me know what you think. Advice and insights are always appreciated but please no tips like "Bet $1000 on BattleField Earth".

Best Picture

No Country For Old Men	-333	Bet
There Will Be Blood	+400	Bet
Atonement	+1000	Bet
Juno	+1800	Bet
Michael Clayton	+4000	Bet

Best Actor

Book Closes Feb 24 15:00

Win Only


Daniel Day-Lewis	-2500	Bet
George Clooney	+1400	Bet
Johnny Depp	+1400	Bet
Viggo Mortensen	+4000	Bet
Tommy Lee Jones	+5000	Bet

Best Actress

Book Closes Feb 24 15:00

Win Only


Julie Christie	-200	Bet
Marion Cottilard	+200	Bet
Ellen Page	+800	Bet
Cate Blanchett	+4000	Bet
Laura Linney	+5000	Bet

Oscars - Director

Book Closes Feb 24 15:00

Win Only


Joel Coen and Ethan Coen-No Country for Old Men	-400	Bet
Paul Thomas Anderson-There Will Be Blood	+450	Bet
Julian Schnabel-The Diving Bell and the Butterfly	+750	Bet
Jason Reitman- Juno	+4000	Bet
Tony Gilroy- Michael Clayton

Win Only


Javier Bardem	-1600	Bet
Casey Affleck	+1100	Bet
Hal Holbrook	+1200	Bet
Philip Seymour Hoffman	+4000	Bet
Tom Wilkinson	+4000	Bet

Oscars - Best Supporting Actress

Book Closes Feb 24 15:00

Win Only


Cate Blanchett	+130	Bet
Amy Ryan	+225	Bet
Ruby Dee	+333	Bet
Tilda Swinton	+700	Bet
Saoirse Ronan

Wow. Again having a look at the odds it appears like for most of the categories the winners are already practically determined. Any dark horses out there?

the greatest basketball game I ever played

2008-02-14T17:12:00.004-05:00

It was my first day of university. I decided to skip all my classes. I had Surrealism and Dada, Post Modern Literature and Poetry: Romanticism. I thought I was the reincarnation of Lord Byron. Actually, I still do. Anyway, I skipped my classes that day and headed for the gym. I thought playing ball would be a good way to kill the day.

I arrived at the gym. There were lots of basketball games being played. At first I couldn't decide what game to include myself in. I didn't want to pick a court where I would be severely over matched. I wanted to pick a court where I could show off my skills. I wanted to make a good impression on the girls watching the games. I tried to decide. Should I include myself in the game with the fewest black people, or include myself in the game with the most chinese guys. It was probably the wrong decision but I included myself in the game with the fewest black people.

After all the introductions, we started playing. In the first minute of the game I threw a laser beam no look spinarama pass to the wingman cutting toward the basket. It was perfect. One basket for us on the strength of my bad-ass pass. The crowd took notice. I was stoked. As the game continued, in an effort to recapture that first glorious moment, I attempted no-look passes almost every time down the court. Unfortunately, none of my subsequent passes found their mark. I broke one guy's glasses. I smashed the ball off the head of another guy who wasn't even looking at me. I whipped the ball off the nose of a player who I thought was on my team but in fact was on the other.

It was so much fun. Way more fun than going to class could ever be. That first semester I practically skipped every class to play basketball.

I failed almost every course and was placed under academic suspension.

daytrading message boards

2008-02-13T13:41:00.002-05:00

Im getting pretty tired of the all the bullshit and scamming that goes on day-trading or investing message boards. I mean, there is a level of shadiness and half-truths that you have to expect on those forums cuz its an ideal means to meet a whole bunch of gullible people with disposable income. But now, now its getting waaaay out of control.

I mean, I could deal with the way it was before. A scam artist would be looking for a group of naive investors to dump their worthless shares on at a premium price. The scam artist would be touting a stock as a certain 2ble your money winner hoping to create an artificial demand for the the company's shares. I'd post a message exposing the scammer's plot and revealing his history of failed stock picks and predictions. The scammer would then proceed with threats to kill me. I'd respond with threats of fucking his mother.

Now its different. Now you have eeeeeveryone trying to pull the wool over everyone's eyes. Now you have everyone trying to be an internet personality. Everyone is saying now how they are day-traders; how they dont work and they kill it on every single stock trade. Fuck off. Its all bullshit. Why is everyone seeking the approval of other members of the message board and trying to get that approval with bullshit claims. I mean, you're never ever gonna meet the other members. Its not like they're gonna say "ohhhh,your internet claims of being a bad-ass make you sound sooooo cool. Come over here and let me give you oral".

I dont know. I'm just fucking hate everyone now.

By the way I finally got off the schnyde (sp?) so this frustration has nothing to do with that.

The best date I can imagine

2008-02-09T16:58:00.000-05:00

You come over to my house. We order and eat a tonne of Chinese food. We watch House of Flying Daggers. Sometime during our movie watching, your desire for my wang in your mouth overwhelms you and you jump me. We fuck a few times. You fall asleep and I watch tv for the rest of the night.

I wake up the next morning to find to you have already left... but not before cleaning my house and leaving me all the leftover Chinese food. I have the General Tsao's chicken for breakfast. Its delicious. I contemplate calling you back for some morning anal. I decide against it as I dont wanna risk the possibility of you taking it as an invitation to stay the entire day. I masturbate instead.

I re-enact all the fight scenes from House of Flying Daggers with a pillow. I kick the pillows ass. However, somehow the pillow has managed to bust my lip. Fucking pillow.

I turn on the tv. The basketball game is about to begin. I call the neighborhood bookie and bet a 50 on the team with the most black guys. I lose the 50. Luckily though I find your purse by my front door. I riffle through the purse's contents and take all the cash. $100. I take your purse and step outside. With all my strength I launch your purse as far as I can. I'm hoping it lands in my bookie's backyard. I cant tell for sure. I'll be happy though if it made it as far as the Mexican's house.

I step back inside my home and call the police. I tell them I overheard the neighbourhood bookie and the Mexican talk about how they stole a purse they found on the street. I tell them they plan on using the cash and credit cards to fund an existing gambling operation and to assist Pakistanis and Tamils in finding permanent residence in Nebraska.

2008-02-04T09:55:00.000-05:00

Fuck, man. I've had, like, the jinx thrown on me. The last week everything I did in the markets turned out the exact opposite of what I intended. A total fucking mess. I'm totally fucking gun-shy now. Maybe its time I take a week or so off. I dunno.

This weekend was pretty cool. On Saturday, I went out to watch the UFC fight. I was particularly interested in watching Brock Lesnar fight. The guy has to be the biggest fucking guy I've ever seen in my life. If he's ever standing between you and daylight his gorilla chest will surely eclipse the sun.

Anyway, Lesnar lost due to his inexperience but he absolutely smashed the shit out of the guy his was fighting against before he left himself open for an ankle lock. Even though he lost, you can tell, one of these days, Lesnar is gonna end up fucking killing an opponent in the octagon.

Sunday was the Superbowl at Ho's house. That was awesome. All of us had the Giants
so it was fun to watch as the G-Men "shocked the world". We were using Bowman.com's in-play, real-time betting application so we had money on the Giants throughout the game at +8.5, +10.5, and +13.5.

The funniest part about the SuperBowl, I thought, occured during the half-time show when the 100's of paid extra's rushed the stage during the Tom Petty performance. Are we supposed to believe that hot looking 20 year olds know who the fuck Tom Petty is? I mean, really! It kills me when corporate America tries to manufacture special, "spontaneous" moments. Spare us the well-planned out bum rushing the stage. Save us the orchestrated waving of the lighters back and forth. Just let whatever happens, happen. This being said, I'm pretty sure Tommy Petty was dead and they were just "weekend at Bernieing" him. I could've swore I saw Andrew McCartney on stage.

So far, last week seems to have carried over into today as far as the markets go. Fuck, dude.

Maybe its time I take my fat ass to the gym again. Take my mind off the unbelievable shit streak I'm riding. Too bad HBC has gone visiting friends in DC. I could certainly use a fuck right about now.

2008-01-30T10:35:00.000-05:00

Toronto School Board Trustees voted, yesterday, in approval of opening a "black focused" high school. The school is to open some time in 2009. Those in favor of this move say it may reduce the 40% drop out rate black students have in Toronto. Those who oppose the black focused school say segregation is not the answer. I guess I can see both arguments. However, I think one of the most important life skills high school teaches is how to interact with other individuals from different backgrounds. I mean, how else are black guys supposed to learn to pick up the fat white chicks with massive asses they covet so much?

I've also been pretty keen on following the elections in the States. I'm pretty confident that the hardcore right wing factions down south are shitting bricks at the prospects of having either a woman or a black man winning the office of President of the USA. The only thing that would make it more amusing would be if Hilary said she was converting to Judaism or if Obama said he was a flaming homosexual and spoke with a lisp. Totally awesome.

Today on the schedule I have, hopefully, 10 hours of uninterrupted DVD watching followed by a late dinner, with Hotblackchick, at the Mandarin. The Mandarin is great because all the staff is hardcore Chinese but the client base they cater to is mostly super white trash tramps and dealer whiteboys. Its a great mix.

Hopefully the evening will end off with some dick licking (by hotblackchick) and clueless clit sucking (by me). Perhaps if the mood strikes me, while I'm down there staring HBC eye to clit, I'll bust out into La Isla Bonita.

The Ultimate Fantasy Pop Duo

2008-01-28T12:10:00.000-05:00

Too bad John Oates and Lionel Ritchie never formed a band, or collaborated on a song... or were featured in a porno together.

Imagine that? Totally rad.

Any female would be lucky to get tag-teamed by such fine specimens of mulatto mustaches.

You know what would be even better than Oates and Ritchie tag-teaming a broad? Oates and Ritchie doing it raw, nasty, gay, jungle style with each other!! Wicked.

Dont pretend you wouldn't watch. I'm not gay but I certainly would watch and probably purchase any related DVD or Box Set of Oates and Ritchie pounding each other in the ass. The sheer beauty of their butt love-making is something that would transcend sexual orientation.

The only other gay sex I would prefer to see more than the Oates and Ritchie combo is if Jean Luc Picard traveled through a wormhole and seduced his future or past self. Two Jean Luc Picards getting it on with each other would be smoking. Maybe then we would add Larry David to make it a menage, or would that be too much of a good thing? I dunno.

Easily the ugliest chick I've ever masturbated to...

2008-01-22T17:33:00.001-05:00

In case you are wondering, yes that is the chick from Roxette. I have no idea what I was thinking. Maybe it was the drugs, or peer pressure or maybe it was the mass marketing of the pop group that brainwashed me into thinking the Roxette chick was hot.

It was probably a combination of all three.

Speaking of chicks I masturbate to, anyone see the new Ciara video? The one where she is lying on her side and just pounding the floor with her vag with that total non committal expression on her face like she's saying "yeah, so what? I can shatter cinder blocks with my vag if I wanted to. You got a problem with that?" Totally hot.

Lastly, things between me and hotblackchick are a little weird. I think she is quite happy. I mean, why wouldn't she be? I'm one studly piece of hot beef injection. Yeah, she is definitely happy. I am not so much. Even the sex is just sorta okay for me. Sometimes I make up games to occupy my mind while we make sweet sweet white guy on black chick love. The other night while I was giving it to her 3/4 angle style I thought to myself "okay, Hootch, give it to her good, brother. Make love to her like a black man would". I chuckled a little to myself as that train of thought caught me completely off guard.

"Make love to her like a black man? What exactly does that mean," I continued my interior monologue. I decided to play with her tits a little to make her think I was still paying attention to our love making. "Make love to her like a black man? Does than mean I should impregnate her and never call her again? Maybe it means I should just sing some R n' B songs to her". I contemplated singing Seal's Kissed by a Rose to her as we were now doggie styling it. Maybe something by Sade or Shaka Khan would be more appropriate.

"Shaka Khan, let me rock you, let me rock you Shaka Khan,
Let me rock you thats all I wanna do,
Shaka Khan, let me rock you, let me rock you Shaka Khan,
Let me rock you let me feel for you"

In the end I decided to fuck her like I imagine Billy Dee Williams fucks. I got totally wasted on Colt 45, and passed out on her cushion pillow ass.

I'm pretty sure I'd throw it to Hilary Clinton

2008-01-18T10:24:00.000-05:00

Is it just me or do Chelsea Clinton and Alfred E Neuman look exactly the same?

Bill's thoughts as he's looking at Hilary: I am so gonna doggie style Lewinski, tonight.

Speaking of Bill, does anyone know what he did with those cigars he fucked Lewinski with? I think it'd be hilarious if he gave them out to all the closet nazi's in the government.

ClosetNazi: Mmmm, this cigar here, Bill, is damn smooth.

Clinton: SURPRISE!!! I've been marinating the tip of that cigar in Monica Lewinski's pussy juice.

Maybe they can make a reality tv show out of it, like they did with Punk'd. They can call it Pussy Juiced. Come on. Admit it. Thats awesome.

Rush Limbaugh: You know, Bill, if your wife or that nigger become the next President of the United States I may have to pick up my belongings and move to Mexico or something. Buy a few slaves and just live the good life as god intended, you know voicing my opinions on issues I know nothing about and just generally being an asshole hypocrite. Hmmmm, damn, Bill!! This cigar is good. Is it Cuban?

Bill: AAAHAHAHA, SURPRISE LIMABAUGH!! That cigar, between your lips, has been soaking in my wife's vagina the past 12 hours. YOU'VE JUST BEEN PUSSY JUICED!!

I got the hootchie-cootchie blues

2008-01-16T09:22:00.000-05:00

I have the movie Black Snake Moan stuck on repeat. Its fucking awesome. If you combine this with the fact I've been "auditioning" strippers for Sterg's birthday party this weekend, its no surprise I've taken to singing and recording half-made up blues songs into my phone while buried in the corners of Toronto's finest shitholes. Here are the only two girls/songs I remember:

(1)
Have you seen my baby
they call her LuluAnne,
I say, have you seen my baby
they call her LuluAnne,
she got a fistful of 20s
and break the heart of every man.

(2)
Have you seen my baby
they call her Paradise,
I say, have you seen my baby
they call her Paradise,
Dont need no other chacha
cuz, oh man, she jack so nice

Its, like, I'm the reincarnation of Blind Lemon Jefferson.

Shoot'em Up

2008-01-07T12:13:00.001-05:00

Of man, Shoot'em Up was fucking great. Among many of the positives, Clive Owens was terrific as an action hero. The lone negative, Monica Bellucci may have put in the worse acting performance in the history of film, thankfully though her tits looked magnificent.

Not to nit-pick or anything but I'm not sure what the deal was with Monica Bellucci's hairstyle. The straight bangs across her forehead look wasn't doing it for me. I dont want to be mean or anything but I would only rate Bellucci's physical appearance in Shoot'em Up as a half an ounce of jizz out of my standard 1.267 ounces of jizz per ejaculate. Clearly she is capable of so much better. Bellucci has the ability to force the jizz-o-meter off the charts by tapping into my emergency reserve of jizzwad if she really wanted to. For instance:

OMG!!! Captain, the jizz-o-meter cant take the pressure. Pre-ejaculate readings are indicating 3 ounces of hot jizz about to be ejaculated... 4 ounces now... the pre-ejaculate indicators keep moving up, Captain. 5 ounces of jizz and the readings keep rising. Half a pint!!! We just hit pre-ejaculate readings of half a pint. Captain, we're gonna blow and cause serious internal injuries. We need to do something quick!!!

Oh, thank Heavens. Good thinking, Captain. Jizz-o-meter readings are rapidly falling. We are in absolute no danger of going off. Although now I'm pretty sure we've just turned gay, but one problem at a time, eh?

DVDs

2008-01-04T07:34:00.000-05:00

I finished watching Eastern Promises yesterday. I thought it was pretty great. It had a lot of similarities with A History of Violence. I thought it was interesting how both movies explore similar themes of alternate identities and the family unit vs organized crime.

Working from memory, these two films have been quite different from Cronenberg's previous efforts, which I haven't really been a fan of. I'm wondering if there was a specific catalyst that resulted in him working on these two films that deal with a definitive good vs a definitive evil as opposed to his other movies where those concepts are more ambiguous.

I picked up a few more movies yesterday including Collateral, which I thought was fucking great and deserves to be mentioned among Jamie Fox and Tom Cruise's best movies, and Shoot'em Up. I wasn't gonna get Shoot'em Up but I flipped to the back of the cover and saw a picture of a sprawled out Monica Belluci wearing fishnet stockings. 'Nough said.

I'm gonna be pissed if Shoot'em Up is as shit as Smokin Aces.

Set up a 2nd blog strictly to document my strategies and plays. Have a look if you like. Ask questions, whatever - Guerilla Daytrading.

2008-01-03T08:12:00.001-05:00

Alright. So, whats going on? Hitting that 15% on RIM has basically allowed me to fuck off the previous week and a bit. I did some DVD shopping. I picked up The Kingdom which was a huge disappointment. On tap for today is Eastern Promises which I'm looking forward to watching. I loved History of Violence so I'm hoping Eastern Promises captures, at least a little bit of that same intrigue.

Me and the fellas hit up a new rippers a few days ago. That was pretty fun. I've never seen Sterg so smashed before in my life.

Hootch: (approaching a stripper) Excuse me. If you are not too busy I'd like to get my friend a few dances from you, if that's ok?

Stripper: Sure, baby.

Hootch: I'm Hootch. What's your name?

Stripper: Hi Hootch. I'm Lola (we shake hands).

Hootch: (we approach Sterg, who is sucking back what I'm pretty sure is essentially straight rubbing alcohol) Hey, Sterg. Our friend here is gonna take you in the back for a while.

Sterg: Awesome.

Lola: Hi, sweetie. I'm Lola

Sterg: Hi Cobra.

Ahh fuck. I just about died of laughter - Cobra, the stripper, thats awesome.

I'm thinking about starting a 2nd blog where I'll document my stock plays and general thoughts on trading. Maybe that'll be a good way of organizing my ideas.

The only 2 stocks I'm rolling with now is RailPower Technologies and Kinross Gold. I just bought RailPower yesterday at 70 cents. It has a lot of positive momentum behind it. Several days ago the Ontario Teachers Pension Plan decided to invest 35 million dollars in the company. This acted as a catalyst for the stock's recent move. Alot of big money follows the OTPP. I have my stop/loss in at 75 cents but I really hope the stock keeps moving upward for the next few days as I really hate scouring the markets looking for my next run.

Kinross I also bought yesterday at 19.55. I bought in a little late in the gold rally yesterday, but I hope the positive momentum will carry over into today.

Show time. I gotsta go.

investment strategy, set to self destruct

2007-12-20T09:20:00.000-05:00

For the past 3 quarters I've bought shares in Research in Motion a day or two before they announce their earnings. The previous 3 times this has proved a very profitable strategy as RIM has met or exceeded expectations and increased guidance going forward.

Yesterday I did the same. I basically emptied out the investment account and poured everything into Research in Motion at $101.50 on the Toronto Stock Exchange. Before I made the purchase though I got the feeling that maybe I was making a mistake. Maybe the pattern that I have been taking advantage of the previous 3 quarters is gonna reverse and fuck me over.

Research in Motion announce their numbers after the bell today, so if they miss, in my opinion, the stock will open at least $5-$10 below today's close depending on forward looking guidance. I dont necessarily think they will miss expectations for this quarter but I think the possibility of a sell-off is real even if they hit their numbers but dont provide a large ramp up in expectations going forward.

However, the upside potential, I'm thinking, is 10%-20% within a few days if RIM hits or beats their numbers and increases guidance, so.... I'm all in.

My friends, the relationship experts.

2007-12-18T11:44:00.000-05:00

Sterg: Whats this rumour I'm hearing about you taking hotblackchick to the basketball game.

Hootch: Yeah, I was gonna tell you about it but I never had the chance.

Sterg: Dude! I was supposed to go to that game with you!

Hootch: Yeah, but come on, its hotblackchick!! Besides, its only Sac town we're playing. Its gonna be a shit game.

Sterg: Thats not the point! The point is...

Babyface: (joining the conversation and interrupting Sterg) Hey, Hotblackchick just told me you two are having dinner tonight.

Sterg: You're having dinner, tonight, with her?

Hootch: Yeah. Who told you?

Babyface: I just said, she did, motherfucker. She came up to the cash in pharmacy to buy some shit and she mentioned the dinner.

Hootch: Ah.

Babyface: And guess what, dude? I have big developments for you.

Hootch: What? Did she say something?

Babyface: Its not what she said. Its what she bought.

Sterg: If she bought condoms for Hootch I'm gonna kill myself.

Babyface: She didn't buy condoms but she bought something just as indicative.

Hootch: Well, what, man, what did she buy?

Babyface: Vasoline.

Hootch: What?

Babyface: Vasoline, dude. She bought vasoline!! Thats just as telling as if she bought condoms.

Hootch: I cant believe I got excited there for a second. You're an idiot.

Babyface: Dude, she's sending a signal. She bought the vasoline at the pharmacy cash on purpose cuz she knew I would see the lubricant and tell you. She wants you, guy. She wants you!

Sterg: Shit, babyface is right. Hootch, you need to send a signal back.

Hootch: What!? No! You guys are morons. She just bought vasoline ok, lets not read anything into it that isn't there. Its nothing. And you're idiots.

Babyface: You know what you need to do? Buy a pack of condoms and take them to the cosmetics cash and let hotblackchick see and ring you up.

Sterg: And dont buy those fucking ultrathick condoms you like. Buy something from the Trojan For Her Pleasure line, so she thinks you're sensitive. I think that'll score big points before you ask her to suck your balls.

Hootch: Ok, that is not gonna happen.

Babyface: Fuck, dude, do we have to do everything for you?

Sterg: (Yelling probably loud enough for hotblackchick to hear at the cosmetics counter) NO, SORRY, HOOTCH. WE DONT HAVE ANY CONDOMS LARGER THAN THE MAGNUM DOUBLE EXTRA LARGE.

Babyface: You forgot to say "for her pleasure".

Sterg: Shit, you're right.

Babyface: Dont worry. I got a good one. (yelling) GOOD NEWS, HOOTCH. THE PHARMACY JUST RECEIVED YOUR STD TEST RESULTS. LOOKS LIKE YOUR PENIS IS DISEASE FREE, JUST IN CASE YOUR NEXT PARTNER WANTS TO BARE-BACK IT.

And with that I walked away wondering if hotblackchick heard any of our nonsense.

There's poon up in thar' hills

2007-12-14T10:17:00.001-05:00

I think I struck poon yesterday.

I was in the lunch room at work yesterday with PistolPete's sister, talking basketball. Superhotblackchick was there also fixing her makeup. WolverineHair comes in and says:

WolverineHair: Hey, (PistolPete's sister - haven't figured out what to call her yet). Some guy just called and wanted to thank you for providing excellent customer service.

PistolPete's sister: OMIGAWD!! Thats so nice. Do you know who it was?

WolverineHair: He didn't leave his name.

Superhotblackchick: He probably thought you were hot.

PistolPete's sister: I think it was an older guy.

Superhotblackchick: I have an older guy who comes in almost every monday to give me gifts and things.

Pistol Pete's sister: Is he good looking?

Superhotblackchick: Ahhhhhh, no!!

PistolPete's sister: Oh well. I better get back to the front. My break is almost over. See you guys later (leaves with WolverineHair).

Hootch: So, how much older is this guy who comes in for you, like 24, 34, 44... 104??

Superhotblackchick: 24?! Oh, Lord, no. I'm 26.

Hootch: 26!?! Holy smokes you look like a baby. So how old is this guy?

Superhotblackchick: I think he is in his late 40's. I dont date that much, but when I do I only date older guys, but I think thats a little too old for me.

Superhotblackchick: Would you date an older woman?

Hootch: I know its kinda vain and I'm almost embarrassed to say but I dont think I would.

Superhotblackchick: Hah, so you would only date younger women and I only date older men. What a pair we make.

Hootch: (lifting my head and looking at superhotblackchick to confirm the signal I think she's giving) Hey, you know, I won a pair of basketball tickets at the staff Christmas party, I dont have anyone to go with yet, do you wanna come?

Superhotblackchick: Yeah!! That would be fun.

Hootch: Wicked.

Superhotblackchick: I think me and you are gonna get along great together cuz you look like you're really mature. I like that alot.

Hootch: (comtemplating saying - I think me and you are gonna get along together cuz you got the best ass-tit combo I've ever seen) For sure. I've always been pretty mature. (if we flashback about 30 minutes previous you'd be able to find me attacking wolverinehair and ass humped him while singing George Michaels' "I Want Your Sex"

C-C-C-C-C-C-C-Come on!!

My attmepts to pick up the bartender at the staff xmas party

2007-12-11T12:40:00.000-05:00

Making my way over to the buffet table, I notice the quesidilla wraps are right beside a type of food I'm not familiar with. I try and figure out what the mystery dish is but all I can conclude, in my inebriated state, is that its small, round and must go together with the quesidilla wrap.

I put two of the round mystery items in my quesidilla wrap. The bartender comes over also looking to get something to eat.

Bartender: Are you putting pierogies in your quesidilla?!?

Hootch: Listen, yo. I dont even know what a pierogi is, but this shit right here, this combination... is fucking delicious.

Bartender: A pierogi is what you're putting in your quesidilla.

Hootch: Oh... well then yeah. I guess I am. I guess I am putting pierogies in my quesidilla. Why... you're not supposed to?

Bartender: No, you're not.

Hootch: Well you should cuz this shit is fucking good. You know what would make it even better?

Waitress: I'm afraid to ask.

Hootch: Well, you dont have to ask, Joanie, I'll tell you.

Waitress: Did you just call me "Joanie"?

Hootch: A little honey-mustard and like... PLOW, this might be the greatest dish ever created, you know? Rachel Ray, my balls, bitch.

Waitress: (trying some pierogies in her quesidilla wrap) Hmmmm, you know. This is good.

Hootch: I told you.

Waitress: I would have never guessed it. that honey-mustard suggestion is gross though.

Hootch: Oh well, whatever. You know, I feel a little guilty, cuz I haven't even given you any fair warning or anything.

Waitress: Warning over what?

Hootch: I haven't given you any fair warning over the fact that I'm wearing Axe deoderant and Tag body spray.

Waitress: What?

Hootch: I'm wearing Axe deoderant and Tag body spray, so if you and your friend feel the overwhelming urge to group sex me, dont hold back on my account. Its alright. I'm cool with it.

Waitress: No thanks. I'd rather link up with the pierogi and the honey-mustard.

Hootch: .....

Waitress: ...

Hootch: Lesbian.

My Auxilary Underwear

2007-12-10T12:17:00.000-05:00

These are my auxilliary/emergency pair of underwear. They're all stretched out, the crotch is destroyed and eaten away.

I know.

Pretty rad, right?

My emergency underwear kind of remind me of chaps, except the ass is covered and my balls hang out. Actually, I'm thinking of patenting and marketing this design. Nutsack chaps. Even has a nice ring to it.

Nutsack chaps - Give your balls the freedom they deserve

or

Nutsack chaps - Your nuts will thanks you for them later

my, yet to be named, comics

2007-12-06T10:57:00.000-05:00

I posted the links to a few comics I did a while back. The links can be found just to right of this post. I haven't done any new comics in quite a while but I remember they were fun to make. Hopefully I'll get around to scratching out a few more sometime.

If you are inclined to, please feel free to offer criticism and suggestions for improvement.

thanks.

Hootch

I gots myself one of them Blackberry Pearls

2007-12-03T23:32:00.000-05:00

I just bought a Blackberry Pearl today. Ordinarily, I'm not really much into tech gadgets, but yo, the Pearl is fucking tight. This is my Blackberry Pearl:

This is me making sweet tender finger love to my Blackberry Pearl:

I know the quality of the pic is not the greatest but here's what it would look like from the Pearl's perspective:

In this picture notice the thumb over the stink finger for added support and stability. Nice. In the previous pictures notice the, not so subtly placed, books designed to give the impression that I is smart. Genius.

Ladies, commence masturbation

2007-11-29T08:38:00.000-05:00

Alright. So this is me with the King of all Pimps, Skinny McSlouchy, and his main squeeze, Saggy McHooknose.

I just wanted to give you a visual of the studliness I was dropping at the strip joint. I had chicks all over me. And it wasn't the fact that I spent over $1000 at the joint. It wasn't. The girls really liked me. They really did. I'm sure the same girls would have shown me the same affection even if my pockets were empty and I was ordering tap water all night. They were good girls. Especially the shooter girl who straddled me in a corner of our VIP area and pressed her tits in my face.

Anyway, I'm kinda bummed tonight. I'm watching season five of 24 and motherfucking Edgar dies! I love fucking Edgar. Why did the writers need to kill him off? Damn. Lynn also dies but who gives a fuck. I think Lynn is played by Sean Astin. He's the guy who played the gay hobit in Lord of the Rings.

I'm pretty sure I'd throw it to Chloe from 24. Apart from the fact she has a vagina and a mouth, physically she's not my type at all. However, I find her radical lack of social skills appealing. I imagine we'd be doing it sidewinder style and all of a sudden she would bark at me "you call this fucking!?!?"

What I dont get about Chole is why she has that expression on her face like she's always smelling something horrible. Is that her natural expression, or is she acting? Its like someone dirty sanchezed her. Maybe thats a plot development that will unfold later on in the story arc. I bet it was Edgar. I bet Edgar dirty sanchezed Chloe. Yeah. I bet Edgar dirty sanchezed Chloe and once CTU finds out, they'll try and bring Edgar back to life by cloning him using the microscopic shit stains and cells from his lower instestine that he left underneath Chloe's nose. Bingo. I bet thats it, motherfuckers.

Tommy's Party

2007-11-26T10:47:00.001-05:00

Oh, man. That was way too much fun, yo! Tommy's party started off at Sterg's house. Me, Mally and Pistol Pete got there first and set everything up, busting out the GreyGoose and the Cheetos. I was fucking starving.

Mally: Should we order a pizza?

Hootch: Do it, man. I am fucking starving. I think the lining of my stomach is beginning to digest itself.

Pistol: Maybe we should have picked up something on the way. The food is gonna take a while to get here.

Hootch: Its alright. I had a Snickers, before.

Mally: Oh, was it one of those new oversized Snickers you were telling me about?

Hootch: Yeah, the fucking thing is huge. When I was eating it, it felt like I was holding John Holmes' dick. It was practically like a homosexual experience.

Pistol: How come? Did you eat it, or stick it up your ass?

Once we were all gathered, stuffed our faces and were rocking a nice buzz, we decided to hit the road and make our way to the peelers. The taxis arrived all at the same time and we all got in. Pistol called in ahead and set us up with bottle service and a reserved section of the joint. It was tight. Our waitress told us we were the first party to be allowed in that section of the club since they've renovated. It was nice. Lots of space. Lots of couches and chairs and a great vantage point where we could see all the girls in the club.

Almost as soon as we arrived the 3 bottles, we ordered in advance, came. We all toasted Tommy and told him if his nose was not 2 inches away from snatch, all night, we were not doing our job. With that said, I grabbed 2 girls, gave Tommy 2 bills and told him to take them in the back. I grabbed one of the girls before she left with the other and Tommy. "Hey, its my friend's birthday today so if you three all get along you'll probably be back there with him until close".

5 songs later Tommy comes back.

Hootch: How were they, Tommy?

Tommy: They fucking sucked.

Sterg: Why, what happened?

Tommy: All they did was sit on my lap and talk to each other. They didn't even dance or nothing!

Sterg: What were they talking about?

Tommy: I dunno, some party they are going to afterwards, or something. While they were talking I tried to grab one's ass and she slapped my face and called security!

Hootch: What happened?

Tommy: Security told me next time that happens they'll kick me out.

Sterg: What did you do next?

Tommy: I told the girls to start dancing but they said "your 5 songs are over" and got dressed and left.

Oh, man. I thought that was hilarious. I couldn't stop laughing. Poor bastard.

Fuck, I have a ton more from Tommy's party I'll get to within the next few days, if you're interested. Right now I gotta catch up on some sleep.

a play to spark things up again with newcootch

2007-11-23T09:27:00.001-05:00

In an effort to remedy my medical condition scientifically know as "blue balls". I invited NewCootch over to my house yesterday after work. I told her we can watch some DVDs and hang out. She agreed and met me at my house around 11 last night.

Again, the plan was to watch a few episodes of Family Guy and hopefully, by the end of the night, we'd be banging it doggie-style to Season 5 of The Gilmore Girls. Here is what happened:

Hootch: You alright?

NewCootch: Yeah.

Hootch: You comfortable and everything?

NC: Yeah, thanks.

Hootch: So, ahhhh... whatchu saying?

NC: Oh. My. Gawd.

Hootch: What?

NC: You want to have sex.

Hoootch: What?!?

NC: You want to have sex. HAHAHA, I knew it!! Thats why you invited me over here tonight. Cuz you thought, what? That'd I'd come over, watch a dvd, have something to eat and then, what? I'd just suck you off or something?

Hootch: (well, I was kinda hoping...) I... I.. I am insulted. I thought "we haven't seen each other in a while so it would be nice to just catch up. Thats all.

NC: Yeah, right.

Hootch: Whatever, like you dont want to anyway.

NC: Ahhh, excuse me. I have a boyfriend.

Hootch: Whatever, if you knew I wanted to have sex, but you didn't, why did you come over here then?

NC: I was hoping I was wrong. And I was hoping you had matured a little.

Hootch: Oh, come on. Dont give me that bullshit again... is it that same guy you are seeing?

NC: Who?

Hootch: The weirdo.

NC: Geoffrey is not weird. He is sensitive and romantic.

Hootch: What, and I'm not?!!?

NC: No, Hootch, you are not. In your blog you referred to me as "NewCootch", that doesn't qualify you as sensitive or romantic. On the other hand, do you know what Geoffrey gave me the other day?

Hootch: The clap?

NC: It was raining one night and he went outside and collected a bottle of rainwater and labeled it "November 15, 2007 - an evening with NewCootch". Isn't that romantic?

Hootch: That is the gayest fucking thing I have ever heard.

NC: Figures you would think so.

Hootch: I hope you haven't slept with him yet.

NC: We've only been seeing each other a little while now, so of course I haven't slept with him.

Hootch: Good.

NC: I've only blown him.

Hootch: I just cant win lately. I'm going to the bathroom to jack myself a soda.

preparations for tommy's party

2007-11-20T17:33:00.000-05:00

Hootch: What are we doing for your brother's birthday? Taking him to a joint?

Sterg: Yeah, I think he'll like that. I think he also expects a stripper to come to the house for a private show, as well.

Hootch: Thats alot to expect, no?

Sterg: Yeah, but cuz we did it for my party I think Tommy expects it for his also.

Hootch: I know but you paid for half the shit at your party... your brother is broke ass.

Sterg: Ahhh, its the kid's party. I dont want to disappoint him. He's all fucked up about breaking up with his girlfriend.

Hootch: Still?!

Sterg: Still.

Hootch: Fuck, well... alright. Lets do it. If you spring for the bottle service at the club, I'll pay for the stripper to come to the house before the club.

Sterg: Nice.

Hootch: What should the stripper look like? What kind of chicks does your brother like?

Sterg: My brother likes big tits.

Hootch: Ok, "big tits", got it. What else?

Sterg: Ahhhhh....... I think thats basically it.

Hootch: Thats it?! What do you mean thats it? What about the face?

Sterg: I dont think my brother cares about the face.

Hootch: Thats unbelievable! So your brother doesn't actually care what she looks like as long as she has big tits? Is that right? You're telling me to disregard the face.

Sterg: Disregard the face.

Hootch: So what would you say if I got a chick that looks exactly like my ass but with nice tits.

Sterg: I'd say you did a good job.

Hootch: This is unbelievable. You're blowing my ming here. The face is the most important part!

Sterg: Okay, okay, if you are gonna make such a big deal about it, see if you can find someone who looks like that Gina-looking chick from Deal or No Deal, with the overdone curly hair and the fat lips. You know who I'm talking about?

Hootch: Yeah. Got it. She has to look like she's Italian and retarded with big tits.

Sterg: Exactly.

Hootch: Book it. Lets go track her down.

recollections on a friday

2007-11-14T11:18:00.000-05:00

I did some DVD shopping a few days ago. Pretty excited about the purchases. Picked up Family Guy season 5, an Indiana Jones box set, The Best of Stephen Colbert and Season 5 of 24 (conventionally regarded as the weakest season of the series, I know, but I'll give it a shot as I've enjoyed the previous story arcs).

I called over NewChineseGirl, from my old job, to come over and watch some of the DVD's that night. Needless to say, I, of course, was secretly hoping an evening of quality dvd watching would magically morph into a night of chest-pounding jungle gorilla sex. Unfortunately though all we did was watch Dancing with the Stars.

Still, Dancing with the Stars wasn't as bad as I imagined. I thought the chick dancing with the race car driver guy was super hot.

I'm pretty sure the shirt underneath says "Hootch's balls taste like NutraSweet"

She looks quite a bit like Marianne, minus the addiction to weed and wigger dick.

two fags on the stairmaster

2007-11-12T06:53:00.000-05:00

At the gym, on the stairmaster, watching tv.

Hootch: Unheralded good looking chick.

Sterg: You know who I think is a pretty good looking black chick?

Hootch: Who?

Sterg: T-Boz, from TLC

Hootch: T-Boz?!?? You know, she's really let herself go the past few years.

Sterg: Yeah, but back in the day? She was pretty nice. She was, like, the hottest black chick around. There was no Rhianna. There was no Ciara. You know if you wanted to, you could easily argue that T-Boz was a seminal figure in the in the pop culture landscape as being being one of the first high profile black chicks you could crank it to. Who else was there in the 90's? No one. Just Aretha Franklin and Oprah.

Hootch: Alright. Alright. Settle down. I'm pretty sure thats not true but whatever.

Sterg: Your turn now, motherfucker. Lets see who you got.

Hootch: You know who I thinking is pretty good looking from Smallville?

Sterg: If you tell me Chloe, I'm gonna have to choke you.

Hootch: No, not Chloe. Lois.

Sterg: Lois Lane? Ha!!

Hootch: What, you don't think she's good looking?

Sterg: Of course I think she's good looking. You cant pick the hottest actress with the biggest implants on a tv show then say she's an unheralded good looking chick. Everyone loves Lois.

Hootch: Not everyone. She looks a little old around the face.

Sterg: Trust me, dude, when she's popping those double Ds no one is looking at her face.

Hootch: Oh, look. TV number 1 is playing Rhianna's new video.

Sterg: Fuck, I love this song.

Hootch: Me too. Its awesome.

Sterg: (singning) I wanna take you away / I just cant refuse it / Please dont stop the / Please dont stop the / Please dont stop the music...

Hootch: (singing) Ma say ma sa, Ma ma coo sa / Ma say ma sa, Ma ma coo sa / Ma say ma sa, Ma ma coo sa / Ma say ma sa, Ma ma coo sa

I fucking hate working on weekends... even if they are the only 10 hours I work in the week

2007-11-09T18:19:00.000-05:00

Alright. So, today started out pretty good. I woke up, got on the computer and fired one off to a new MPEG of Sylvia Saint blowing some lucky bastard. Wicked.

After I finished spraying the ceiling I noticed the appearance of the man who received the blow job. He easily looked like the ugliest degenerate on the face of God's green earth. That's when I decided I should become a porn star. I mean, if the money and the drugs were all the same, I'm sure every porn director and actress would prefer to have me in their movie rather than that animal. I'd be a pretty awesome porno star too, I think. I'd bring adult entertainment more in the mainstream by using my new found fame to tackle social and political injustices.

(At the Adult Movie Awards; Over the Public Address system)

PA Announcer: And now to present the award for Best Male Performance in a Menage, here is the star of "Platapussy" and "69 Things to do in Denver When you're Dead", put your hands together for Hootch.

(Audience cheers; Camera cuts to Sylvia Saint smiling, enjoying the evenings festivities)

Hootch: Good evening everyone. Tonight I'm here to announce the best male performance in a menage. The nominees are $2 Dollar Productions, in "V for Vagina", Charlie Shame for "30 Days of Poon", Ligtning Bug's Butt for "Things We Lost in Her Poon and last but not least, J7 for "Dan in Real Life - the director's cut"

(Audience applauds)

Hootch: But before we hand out the award for Best Lead Male in a Menage, I'd like to get serious for a second and talk to you about Darfur....

Yeah, I'm pretty sure thats how I would roll as a porn star.

Can I sweet talk'em, or what?

2007-11-09T06:08:00.000-05:00

On my way to the change-room, at work yesterday, I passed by superhotchinese girl walking with a friend. Their shift was just ending and mine was beginning. Superhotchinesegirl was wearing black tights and a red and black thick utilitarian-looking flannel shirt. It was indeed a bizarre combination for a hot looking chick to be wearing. For a second there I was reminded of an old girlfriend named Dida. Dida's fashion sense was anything but conventional. She looked like she dropped acid everyday before she decided to dress herself.

Anyway, back to superhotchinese girl. I caught this part of superhotchinesegirl and her friend's conversation as they were approaching me:

Friend: I like your shirt. It looks flannel.

SHCG: Yeah, it is. Its so comfortable. I bought it at (some store I've never heard of). It was so expensive. I read somewhere that flannel is coming back.

I decided to astound all with my wit. I thought about busting out into dance and singing "she's bringing flannel back...", but decided to go with the below:

Hootch: Oh, superhotchinesegirl, I was wondering if you could help me?

SHCG: What's up?

Hootch: I have this massive tree in my backyard and I was wondering if you could come over, maybe, and help me chop it down.

SHCG & Friend: (blank expression on both their faces)

Hootch: Because... because... you are wearing a checkered flannel shirt, you see....

SHCG & Friend: (blank expression on both their faces)

Hootch: ... and you maybe look like a lumberjack.

SHCG: What?! YOU THINK I LOOK LIKE A LUMBERJACK?!

Hootch: Yes... no... on second thought... its just the flannel shirt. They are not normally worn by someone so attractive as yourself. They are normally worn by the likes of someone closer to your friend's appearance. Anyway, lumberjacks dont wear black tights so I clearly dont know what I'm talking about.

SHCG & Friend: (Silence)

Hootch: And even if you did look like a lumberjack, you'd clearly be the most attractive lumberjack I've ever seen... which i guess wouldn't be hard considering all the lumberjacks I've seen, so far, have crazy facial hair and are 300 pounds overweight.

SHCC: Is that supposed to make it better?!?!

Hootch: (silent, thinking of my next move)

SHCG & Friend: (silent, waiting for an answer)

Hootch: "she's bringing flannel back / them other boys dont know how to act..."

SHCG: Just get out of my way.

In retrospect, I should have lead off with the Justin's "SexyBack". Oh well, I'll get'em next time.

it must have been love...but its over now

2007-11-03T10:00:00.000-04:00

The Cameron Diaz chick with the fat ass is even more pretty than I remember. At work, the other day, as I turned the corner and headed for the Cosmetics booth, I nearly ran into her. I stood there, face to face with possibly the most beautiful girl I've even seen in my life and was unable to say anything. "SAY SOMETHING, YOU DOLT!!" my mind yelled in command but my eyes and heart could not comply. I just stood there staring. It could have been for a few seconds or half an hour, it was hard to tell. The Cameron Diaz chick with the fat ass was so beautiful the laws of time and space did not apply where we stood.

Finally she broke the silence. In the nano-second it took for her words to reach my ears I contemplated the possibility that she was gonna ask me on a date, or to the movies, or to sit on my face. But instead she sneered and said "why dont you take a picture, it lasts longer".

Wow.

What a cunt.

"I would but I don't have a panoramic, wide lens to fit your ass in the shot".

And with that, I'm pretty sure I blew any chance of hooking up with Cameron Diaz with the fat ass.

'tis the season for a good market ass-rape

2007-11-01T15:01:00.000-04:00

Made good money yesterday. Today was an absolute, fucking misery. I need a fucking break. Too much second-guessing is driving me crazy. Plus dealing with all the fucking morons on a number of different stock forums isn't helping either.

Went to the book store last night. Picked up a couple of books by Bukowski - Ham on Rye and Factotum. Looking forward to reading them.

Today I go into work. Put in the big 5 hour shift then stay after hours to help set up the Christmas decorations. Apart from me, Sterg said he only asked the best looking chicks in the store to stay and help out. Nice. Hopefully I can negotiate some type of menage, on top of a mountain of Doritos, between me the black chick and the chinese girl. So, just in case you are in Toronto and wondering what that stain is on the bag of your Doritos - Extra Zesty bag of chips, you'll know. Its my shit stain.

If I cant work the black chick and the chinese girl menage, I'll target the cosmetician that looks like a young Cameron Diaz with a fatter ass. If she's a no-go, I'll attempt the pretty greek girl for a quickie over the magazine stand. If she refuses I'll ask the black manager who is borderline ugly. If she says no I'll have no other option but to just rape the gay guy (just kidding... he probably wants me).

shit on my mind on this wednesday afternoon

2007-10-31T12:05:00.000-04:00

I'm debating whether or not to ask Tera and her implants to come with me to Tommy's birthday party. Tera is a great time, for sure, but she's as crazy as fuck. On the plus side, Tera is a guaranteed lay, for me. Minimal effort but forth and as long I pretend to treat her with respect and dignity she'll be doing a face plant in my crotch by the end of the night. On the negative side, like I said, Tera is crazy. Whenever we had sex I'd always have to adopt a half-defensive position for fear of her going ape-shit and deciding to attack me for the sins of the men that have wronged her in the past.

The last 2 days flipping stocks have been shit. Lost $200 each day. Today has been going alright but that can change pretty quick. I got back in NOT with 2000 shares at 5.34. Now its trading at 5.45. Not bad but the last few days it dropped more than a buck so I gotta keep a close eye on it to make sure I at least walk away with some profit.

I also bought 10000 shares of ONT at 59 cents. Because I am unfamiliar with the stock and its trading pattern, I sold at 61 cents to lock in some grocery money for the next few weeks. Then realizing I may have sold too early I bought back another 10000 shares at 67 cents. ONT is now at 73 cents so unless I fuck up today should be alright. Fingers crossed I dont fuck up.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AWW FUCK!! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck ,fuck... FUCK!

I booked ONT for a 6 bill gain. Pretty cool. And NOT was trading like it was on viagra - long, hard and always up. Then at 5.93 it was halted for pending news. Some people love when their stock gets halted. I fucking hate it especially when its running hard. Why do you want to halt the stock for fucking news, dude? Just let it run. Now, if the news, which has yet to be released, turns out to be shit the fucking stock will open lower tomorrow, possibly way lower, wiping out the $1200 I made on it and maybe more. Fuck.

Conversely if the news is super great beyond everyone's expectation the stock may jump tomorrow. If that's the case, party at my house. I'll supply the booze, skanks and weed.

the bareback

2007-10-29T19:24:00.000-04:00

Alright, so SW finished at 22.94, up $1.94 from the 21 I picked it up on Friday. Nice. Sadly though my NOT which I've been riding for 6 straight winning sessions finally broke down and dropped, today, faster than Marianne to her knees begging for another $20 if she'll let you suck her tits. Hopefully I can find something else to ride for a few days.

I just found out that a friend of mine is barebacking it with the new stripper he's seeing. WOW! I get super paranoid with some of the thin style of condoms now, let alone the bareback jam. I cant roll with the Ultra-Thin or the Maximum-Sensitivity condoms any longer. I can only get down with the absolute thickest fucking condom I can find. Preferably something with industrial sized thickness from East Germany or the old Soviet Union. I dont know why but I imagine these type of countries use to manufacture the type of thick condoms I'm looking for. I'll gladly substitute 100% of feeling for the certainty that not even a speeding bullet is penetrating through my condom, let alone my man-juice.

Off to the gym. Time to start getting my fat ass into shape

alright, so whats going on?

2007-10-26T13:29:00.000-04:00

Not much I'm afraid to say. Right now I'm clocking NOT trading between 6.75 and 6.85. If things go right for me at the close I may end the week with a 17+%gain on that bitch. I fucked up a few other trades this week but hopefully I'll finish the week up around a G. The week before, I rocked 3+Gs. So, although things appear to be going well I'm still waiting for the day when I fuck up large and manage to lose every cent I have. Trust me, that day will come. I know I'm prone to self-destructive behaviour so I try and take measures to prevent me from utterly annihilating all aspects of my life, but sooner or later it'll catch up with me. It always does.

This weekend I got scheduled to work both Saturday and Sunday - full shifts!! Dude, like, what the fuck's up with that?! What happened to my normal Monday and Thursday 5 - 10 shift. I dont know if I can deal with stocking shelves for 8 hours straight. In retrospect, I shouldn't have quit my real job. I could have been pulling in my normal salary + I could have used anything I got from daytrading as blowjob money. Now as it stands, I start shitting myself everytime I have a down day. Anyway, sometimes I think me convincing myself to quit my real job is another example of my self-destructive behaviour surfacing. Well, even if that is the case, I guess I can always go look for another real job...

FUCK THAT!! And give up watching Different Strokes and Sanford and Son?! You must be crazy, bitch!! LAMONT AND HIS DAD FOREVER, NIGGAS!!

ps. I took a small position in SW at $21 after their financials smoked expectations.

pps. I really need some poon in my face.

who knew Sanford and Son was such an awesome fucking show?!

2007-10-24T06:50:00.000-04:00

Wow. Its been a while, hasn't it? Not much has happened to me during the last three weeks. I've rediscovered my love for Sanford and Son on TBS but other than that its been pretty dull.

One of the Cosmeticians at work told me I look good in the store's shirt. That was kinda nice. Too bad I'm not the least bit attracted to her. Not even for a quick doggie. Man, If the black chick with the perfect ass told me something like that I would have immediately thrown her over the front checkout counter, on top of all the lottery tickets, and I'd have been tapping dat ass sidewinder style with A Groovy Kind of Love, by Phil Collins, playing over the store's PA system as the soundtrack to our beastly desires. Damn!! Why couldn't it have been the black chick?!

Trading this week has been going alright. I got in NOT again on Monday at 5.78. Today she's clicking along anywhere from between 6.30 and 6.50 so far. We'll see how long it holds up before I have to sell.

Oh, and I hired some Ukrainian to install a new front door for my house. I think it looks pretty nice. Maybe I'll post a pic if I can find my camera. I'm also gonna see if I can get him to do a bay window for me before the winter comes and fucks everything up.

The last week of November is Tommy's birthday. He's been kinda down ever since things with his (ex)girlfriend have become fucked. The dude has always been susceptible to moodiness but now all he does is bitch about his situation. Anyway, I think we're taking him out to the rippers for his birthday. I may drop a few bills and get Tommy cranked by the most degenerate chick I can find. That should be good for a laugh. Maybe I'll post pics of that too. Or maybe a video of Tommy's pecker as he's about to unload. You wont see the stripper's hand cuz she'll be jacking so fast her fist will be practically invisible to the naked eye. Wow, what a dumb way to end this post.

stocks, tv and jacking it

2007-10-04T12:44:00.000-04:00

I gotsta be the laziest motherfucker on the face of the planet. Now even day-trading has become too much of a chore for me. I find that trading stocks takes too much time away from my two real passions - tv and masturbation. Its nearly impossible to be a successful day-trader when always in the back of your mind, as you're watching the market in realtime, you are thinking:

"Shit. is it 2:00pm already? Different Strokes is on. I wonder if Dana Plato ever threw it to Mr. Drummond. Probably. I wonder if Dana Plato is related to Plato. I wouldn't doubt it. I cant believe Willis turned out to be such a bitch..."

So in an effort to make some money, to pay the mortgage and bills, I will be throwing some dollars at a few stocks and not even looking at them for one or two weeks (freeing up ample time for tv/dvd watching and jacking it). Of course I still have RIM as my core holding and will never consider selling a single share unless future prospects are revised downward.

Yesterday I picked up TIM at 14.90, BWR at 3.05 and today I bought ARU at 7.71 A few bills are due on the 15th so I will probably revisit the price of these stocks a few days before then. If I take much of an ass-pounding on any of these stocks I may have to consider taping into the line of credit, but I dont think that will be necessary.

Anyway, I'm off to watch Season one of Dexter. I hope it lives up to the hype

Jimmy Smits vs Rik Smits

2007-10-02T17:03:00.000-04:00

Did you know that Jimmy Smits' real-life brother is actually Rik Smits? Not too many people know about this little Hollywood fact. Jimmy Smits tries to keep it under wraps because he is a racist. The fucking Spic hates anything to do with Dutch culture. You name it, if its Dutch he hates it. If it was up to Jimmy Smits windmills, tulips, clogs and cheese would be no more.

If Jimmy Smits is not racist then how come there is not one Dutch person in this picture?

The bastard.

Windmills. Can you believe the heathen would do away with windmills? He is one godless, coldhearted son of a bitch. Anyway, I challenge Jimmy Smits to contest my above claims. If you really have nothing against the Dutch then all you have to do is leave a comment on my blog saying something like "yo, I love windmills". Now, just in case any Jimmy Smits apologists try and leave a fake message to clear the name of their false idol, I will ask a question that only the real Jimmy Smits will know the answer to.

The question:

Jimmy Smits, when did you lose your virginity and what was the name of the guy that boned you in the ass to take it?

It dont get no mo' gansta than this mothafucka

Right now I'm watching Ella enchanted...

2007-10-01T08:02:00.001-04:00

... and I'm thinking sure, I'd probably throw it to Anne Hathaway.

Yesterday, I spoke with the super hot chinese checkout girl about a whole bunch of different shit, including music. I introduced her to the cock-rock stylings of Phillipino rock god Danko Jones. His new stuff is pretty shit, I think, but his older songs are instant panty remover.

I didn't have any Danko Jones on my MP3 player at work but knowing my luck, the past few days, the super hot chinese checkout girl will go home, download and listen to a whole bunch of Danko Jones' early songs and then proceed to fuck the brains out of the first male she lays eyes on.

I, of course, will be nowhere in the vicinity and in all likelihood be stuffing my face with cheesy-puffs with one hand and cranking it to Anne Hathaway with the other.

I've had this weird thing for Anne Hathaway ever since I saw her topless jamming that gayboy in Brokeback Mountain. Perhaps she'd be interested in auditioning for Platypussy, the James Bond porno I'm developing.

OMG!! Dear reader, is anyone else capable of seeing Anne Hathaway's ta-ta's or have I just developed x-ray vision?

Other females I'd also be willing to work with are Rhiana, Hilary Duff, that retarded black chick from 106 and Park, and Mrs Garrett from The Facts of Life.

porno and stocks

2007-09-28T07:19:00.000-04:00

- I think I'm gonna do a porno spoof of James Bond movies. My porno will be called "Platypussy" and I'll play the lead character, James Bone

- Related to the above point, I'm thinking of officially changing my name to Buck Jizzwad

- Why does it feel, whenever you make a bad trade, you'll never make a good one again?

Monday and Tuesday I got fucking rocked. I swung for the fences and got nothing but air. I even considered talking a few weeks off from trading to regroup and recharge. Looking at many series of numbers, in real-time, constantly change every second sends your brain spinning a million miles an hour. Even after 4pm its tough to settle down. My brain continually wants and looks to process information in nanosecond intervals.

Thankfully I bought into TIM again. I've mentioned this stock previously as being one of my favorites to flip. I discovered it a $4 maybe around 6 months ago and have traded it at least half a dozen times. Yesterday the stock closed at 15.50. In retrospect it would've been better if I just bought and held my position at $4ish. However, then it was impossible to predict such an ascent. Anyway I took a position again on Tuesday at 11.99 and have eaten away at most of my losses this week. I even considered selling my RIM to cover some of the losses but thankfully TIM has performed way better than I could have hoped. It goes without saying though, because I mentioned TIM it will undoubtedly plummet today.

I missed calling the BWR rally by one day. Last week I bought at 2.80 and sold half an hour later at 2.77. The next day marked the beginning of its rally. Its up almost 20% since then. That fucking hurts.

Anyway, on to the auditions for the lead female in Platypussy.

2007-09-21T17:42:00.000-04:00

Friday:

I picked up another 13% on NOT today and sold mid morning. With the rest of my day to do fuck all with I popped in Season 6 of Smallville and jacked it to Lois Lane's ridiculously large implants. That was alright.

I thought about going to Sterg's store to check out the smoking hot Chinese chick or the new black cosmetician. The black cosmetician has an ass thats a perfect half circle. I swear I might be able to use her ass as a substitute for a protractor (when the occasion calls for a flawless 180 degrees).

Looking at the new cosmetician's ass may be the incentive I need to re-enroll back in high school to upgrade some of my math courses. I'm pretty sure this is how Pythagoras developed all his theories on geometric angles... by looking at hot black ass.

Sunday:

I discovered my online bookie also offers teasers. Today I took Detroit (teased their line +10.5), San Fran (teased their line to +16.5) and the Cowboys (teased their line to +9.5). The thing is with teasers all your bets need to come in for you to win. I put down 50 to get be back 90. I also have the under for another 50 on the "shortest touchdown scored over/under 1.5 yards" prop bet.

Pappa needs a new pair of shoes

2007-09-18T08:00:00.000-04:00

Wednesday, just before 9:30

I got rocked on Monday for $400. An acceptable loss (I'm trying to convince myself) considering I killed it last week. However it was still a blow to the ego and a reminder that the market can be a fickle bitch.

Monday night I worked a shift at Sterg's pharmacy. It just a bullshit job moving shit from the warehouse to the front part of the store where all the household items and food/drinks are sold. I underestimated how completely shit the pay is. I originally asked Sterg to work a few shifts here and there in order to have a guaranteed stream of income if the trading didn't go as planned. He said "sure" and I made it clear that I wanted to be paid what everyone else got paid when they first started and treated how everyone else got treated. But like I said I completely miscalculated the number of bills I would be able to pay working for $10 an hour. However, on the plus side, the chicks who work at his store are super-fucking hot, yo.

Tuesday was alright for me. I cleared 240 although I was up nearly 1000 in the first 10 minutes. I'm not really upset that I didn't sell at the apex of the stock price as I'll always risk losing a little profit for the chance to see my stock rise higher.

Today I'm gonna see if I can hit one of my favorite gold stocks at the open. Yesterday BWR closed at 2.70 and pre-market today looks like it will open at least 10 cents higher. Even still, I think it'll have another 5 cents in it after the open and thats all I'll be looking for. If I can get that I'll be shutting off the computer for the day and hitting the shopping mall for some dvds.

Investing 101, mothafuckaaaas

2007-09-14T12:35:00.000-04:00

Alright, the best thing for you to do if you wanna learn how to invest is do the exact opposite of what I say. I mean, if you wanted to learn how to keep a shit blog then I might be able to help you out but anything a mature adult should be able to do is all foreign to me.

Thankfully though, this week I've been luckier than a motherfucker and sometimes its better to be lucky than good. The NOT I bought on Monday at 1.37 closed yesterday at 3.96. Today the stock is halted pending news but I have already traded this bitch 4 times buying on dips and selling before the close. Today I took some of the profits from NOT and I bought BMR at 0.34. BMR is also a mining company and has some property beside NOT. BMR today is trading on crazy volume simply on account of NOT's impressive sample results. Its so funny because neither of these companies is anywhere close to producing whatever the fuck it is they mine for. However they've caught the imagination of the markets. BMR is now trading at 0.43 cents but losing steam it appears. I've set my stop/loss and 40 cents and will be happy as fuck to close out what was supposed to be a slow Friday with a 17+% gain in a few hours.

I'm positive sooner or later I'll hit some monumental losses but for now all is well, ma. I just done made me some serious titties-in-my-face money.

Please note, the above is in no way promotion for NOT or BMR. I really know shit about these companies.

the death of a pop star and the birth of a joke

2007-09-10T12:38:00.000-04:00

Wow. Did anyone else see the train wreck that was Britney Spears at the MTV Music Awards last night? She reminded me of an over-the-hill busted cougar who is sticking around the bar till last call thinking her slow-as-fuck uncoordinated 1985 dance moves are driving the boys wild when all they're really doing is providing the material for a good bet.

boy1: Yo, you see that 40 year old ho with the tight-ass jeans and the camel toe?

boy2: Yeah, what about her?

boy1: I'll give you $100 if you fuck her.

boy2: Ok. But does it have to be with my dick?

boy1: I dunno. What else were you thinking of, like, your finger?

boy2: What about this beer bottle?

Anyway, yeah, Britney, yesterday was the death of her career.

TIM is up over another 13% today. Motherfuck!! I missed on this run cuz I fell asleep watching Star Trek. Might be too late to get into it now as it'll probably sell off the rest of the day. I'll try to monitor TIM for the rest of the day, but I highly doubt I'll be able to do so for more than 15 minutes without being able to resist the distraction/allure of online porno.

Just got a call from one of my friends at my old job. He called to let me know NOT is running. I just bought 2000 shares at 1.37. I'm probably too late for this party as well but I'll hold till my stop/loss at 1.27 is hit.

My online bookie has this proposition bet "shortest touchdown scored over/under 1.5 yards". Its like, the craziest fucking thing. I'm thinking over every fucking game. The only way you can lose is if someone scores a one yard TD. Yesterday I took that bet on three games and won them all (Buffalo/Denver, Detroit/Oakland and St. Louis/Carolina (I should mention prior to those 3 games I was something like 1 outta my last 5). I told my friends about this proposition bet and they all want in for both of tonight's games. I'm almost positive me mentioning my success with that prop bet will throw the voodoo on us tonight.

Better get going now. I have some online smut to surf through. Oh and by the way if anyone wants to IM me on Yahoo feel free to do so. I think my User ID is HootchandCootch.

NOT is 1.51 right now, muthafuckaaaaas. Pray I dont fuck it up.

Thanks.

Me and Mally at George Stakis' Wedding

2007-09-09T07:59:00.000-04:00

Mally: Has your girl from the strip club in Niagara Falls called you yet?

Hootch: The Romanian? No we kind of had nothing in common. What about your two chicks?

Mally: They haven't called me either.

Hootch: Too bad. I tell you though, man, when I saw your two chicks eating each other out right in front of you, I just about wet my pants.

Mally: Of fuck, I've been cranking it hard to that memory for the past couple of weeks

Hootch: Its so weird how those chicks have become so desensitized to sex, though, eh. Its like, them sucking on each other's clit is like us shaking hands.

Mally: I know...ITS SOO AWESOME. Hold on a second, I just got a text (looking at his phone). Its the girls from Niagara!!

Hootch: Fuck off.

Mally: No, I'm not shitting you. Remember when I told you I stored their number under the name "Hootch's Aunt", so Linda wont bust my balls if she ever decides to go through my phone?

Hootch: Yeah

Mally: Well, look (shows me his phone)

Hootch: Holy shit, its them. What'd they say in the text?

Mally: (reading the text message) "Where are you guys". What should I reply?

Hootch: Say "knuckle deep"

Mally: Thats good. Knuckle deep (Mally repeating slowly as he enters in the text)

Hootch: (me looking over Mally's shoulder as he's entering the text). "Knuckle" begins with a "k", Einstein.

Mally: Ok, its sent.

(a few minutes later)

Mally: They just responded.

Hootch: What'd they say?

Mally: (reading) "Haha. Very funny - "knuckle deep". For real tho, where are you guys".

Hootch: Text back "cant you feel it?"

Mally: HAHA. Thats good.

Hootch: did you send it?

Mally: yeah. Look they already responded.

Hootch: What'd they say?

Mally: "You guys are assholes"

By staying home I thought I'd have more time to blog...

2007-09-07T07:13:00.000-04:00

...but I've been too busy stroking it to hot black chicks on BET and watching the Friday Night Lights DVD. Friday Night Lights is alright. I haven't seen the entire first season just yet but so far so good. Plus there is this insanely good looking cheerleader who pretty much needs dick to survive so she bangs like crazy. Here is a picture. Guys, begin cranking.

Trading has been going alright also. VRS had a nice little run and I have since sold my position. I bought some TIM yesterday and am up around 13% so far. I should have sold, at least some of my position, at the close to lock in a profit. I got greedy though so I'm still holding. Unless the overall market sentiment is super negative before the open I'll be surprised if TIM doesn't open at least a little higher today. Of course I could be wrong...who knows, I probably am. Either way though I should be alright unless the stock goes down faster than your mom on a guy with a 20 in his pocket.

The only stock I'm holding longterm is RIM. I bought in a few weeks ago at $74. I'm up around 18% but I think there is still alot more room for growth. The stock may trade sideways from now until their quarterly results are announced, but like I said I think there is alot more upside especially once RIM gets into consumer products and starts dummying up those bitches at Apple.

I took the last two days off...

2007-08-31T06:33:00.000-04:00

...to see if I can get a jump start on my daytrading "career". Wednesday was alright. I added to my core Research in Motion holdings and also took a position in Allen-Vanguard. RIM is performing well fueled by the rumour that Microsoft may want to take them out, and VRS went crazy on Wednesday trading, like, 6 times its normal volume. Both stocks have gone up the last 2 days but of course me mentioning them in my blog is as sure a kiss of death as there is. Anyway if VRS shows any weakness I'll probably sell today to lock in immediate profits even though I think the stock will perform very well over the next 6-12 months.

Yesterday, I was less productive. After a few hours of watching RIM and VRS move up and down I became a little bored. I ordered 30 chicken wings for lunch and watched my very first episode of the OC and Crossing Jordan while occasionally flipping to BET hoping to catch a video with hot black chicks I could crank it to. However, both the OC and Crossing Jordan proved compelling enough that my visits to Black Entertainment Television became less and less frequent.

Today is my last day at work.

after the sundown

2007-08-27T06:47:00.000-04:00

After the sundown we decided to go back to the Casino and look for a bite to eat. It was me, Mally, Sterg, Ho, Heel and BabyFace. We managed to invite a few of the girls from the club to make things interesting. None of the girls in the club were really my type but the chicks Mally and Ho had invited were crazy dirty. I was so jealous.

When Mally and Ho took them to the back of the VIP section the girls started out their private dances by eating each other out in a variety of positions. I was with this 6ft Romanian chick but couldn't help but notice Mally's chick grinding Mally's balls while eating out Ho's chick from behind. It was fucking nuts. You could tell Mally and Ho where trying to play the nice guy card. I was walking by to get me and the Romanian a drink when I hear Ho's chick say:

Ho's chick: Do you want to finger me?

Ho: Ahhhh shucks, I like you too much and... and I'm kind of shy.

Ho's chick: Thats so sweet. Its alright. I want you to.

A nano second later Ho was wrist deep. His hand was moving so fast I could hardly see it move.

From my booth all I could hear for the rest of the night was "Ooooohhh, Mr. Ho and Mr. Mally, thats feels soooo gooood".

Sterg, continuing his tradition of falling in love with the ugliest blonde chick in the joint, walks up to me and says:

Sterg: "See that awesome blonde cashing out by the bar?

Hootch: Yeah.

Sterg: She's coming to the Casino with us.

Hootch: Nice...but I cant help but notice there seems to be something missing about her.

Sterg: What? You mean like a personality or something?

Hootch: No man, fucking eyebrows. I dont think she has any eyebrows. She's kinda freaky looking.

Anyway, we arrived at the Casino and decided to get a bite to eat at a restaurant. I cant remember the name of the place but it served the worst bacon and eggs in the history of the world. Everyone sat down except me.

Hootch: I gotta go take a shit.

Sterg: Congratulations.

No eyebrows chick: Do you want us to clap when you come out?

more later on.

Quit my job.

2007-08-22T19:34:00.000-04:00

Last day at work is technically next friday, although I ditched today and will probably do the same tomorrow.

So whats the masterplan? I'll give daytrading a serious try see if that can pay the bills and mortgage. If I fall a little behind I'll get Sterg to hire me at his pharmacy... either that or find myself a little street corner and start cranking out the handjobs at $10 a pop.

Went to George Stakis' stag over the weekend. Fucking wild. I'm not really all that tight with Stak any more but damn it was fun. I cant believe I didn't throw up. Me, Mally and Ho starting drinking the hootch as Sterg was driving us to Niagara Falls. Thats were the stag was. We hooked up with Heel and BabyFace at the FallsView Casino. Heel and Babyface are a couple of young cats who work at Sterg's store. They were working the roulette table when we saw them. I was already rocking a pretty good buzz. I introduced myself and ordered us a round of drinks. Heel turned around and said "Thanks. I got you next".

As we watched Heel and Babyface play the outsides on the table, Sterg told me a story that nearly made me piss my pants.

Sterg: Hey Hootch, did I tell you about the time when Mally cock-blocked Heel at a strip joint in Mexico. Heel was with this Mexican chick and he had negotiated to receive a blowjob for $30.

Hootch: $30?!? Was she fucking nasty or something? 30 bones seems a little low.

Heel: Actually it was originally $60 but I had talked her down to 30. She looked like a model, man. She was beautiful.

Sterg: Yeah. Mally wanted us to leave right away but I told him we had to wait for Heel to finish getting his blowjob. Mally was tripping like crazy, though. I think he had some bad shrooms or something cuz he was losing it and wanted to leave asap. I told him "give Heel a few more minutes and we'll leave", but, naw, he wasn't having any of it. He marched right through the VIP section of the club and yelled "Heel, we have no money left".

Hootch: He did?!

Sterg: Yeah. I've never seen strippers clear a room so fast. Even the other strippers working their tricks bailed on their johns cuz no one knew who the fuck Heel was.

Mally: Shit, guy, I was so pissed at you that night. Why the fuck was I paying $22 American for a lapdance when you were getting blowjobs for 30? I might as well have paid the extra $8.

Heel: Anyway, Mal, if you try and cockblock me tonight we are gonna go rounds.

Mally. Okay, whatever. (pointing at the roulette table) Are you up or down?

Heel: I'm down about the cost of 3 blowjobs in Mexico.

Dusty Mac is gonna help me pay off the Swarovski

2007-07-30T18:54:00.000-04:00

I dont know who the fuck swarovski is, but I'm pretty sure I just helped bankroll his retirement.

I originally posted this before 7pm with the intention of recounting what happened to me at the mall. Its all fucking retarded though so I deleted everything. In a nutshell, I dropped a G on a swarovski crystal when I originally planned on spending about $200.

Anyway, as noted previously I had taken the Jays -139 to beat the Rays. The Rays have always been a pain in the ass to the Jays, more than you'd expect, but I had my man Dustin MacGowan on the mound tonight and his shit is tight. One more inning in the books and I'll be $50 closer to winning back my G.

If the Jays do hold on for the win tonight I may take half a position on the Angels/Mariners game, over 8.5. However if the Jays fuck up the 9th and blow their lead I'll lay off the Angels/Mariners action and just crank it to the blonde chick on TBS's My Boys. I haven't actually decided yet if I find her attractive but maybe a good crank is whats needed to settle the debate.

the bookmakers are running scared

2007-07-28T15:30:00.000-04:00

I won the football game yesterday thanks to Winnipeg scoring 19 points in the 4rth quarter. Today, so far I have the under (49.5) on the Saskatchewan RoughRiders vs Edmonton Eskimos game. "Eskimos"... I'm not certain thats all so politically correct. It may not be regarded as bad as naming a team the Vatican City Child Molesters but still, I think its time to put an end to all derogatory and insensitive team names, no?

Perhaps more on this later on. Its football time now.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
later on.

fuck. I got smoked on the over. It wasn't even close. Edmonton's defense sucked monkey cock all game long. Now I know my emotions are running high cuz I lost some money but really I still think I can provide some objective analysis to the game. My completely objective, empirical, scientifically proven take: I am fucking better than every single player on the Eskimos.

I'm chasing the afternoon loss by taking the B.C. Lions (+2.5) over the Calgary Stampeders. I really know nothing about either team but the game is on tv and I got a jones to fix.

Today really has been pretty great, though. I've done nothing all day but chill with newchinesegirl, watch the Godfather movies and bet on football. For most of the day NCG has been beside me reading Harry Potter.

While the football game was in the 2nd quarter she put down Harry Potter and said:

NCG: Wanna make love?

Hootch: aaaaa, yeah, I guess. Can we do it here though so I can still watch tv?

NCG: That doesn't sound very romantic

Hootch: Dont worry, baby. Its gonna be unbelievable. Maybe I'll dim the lights a little, get out the candles, turn on a little music.

NCG: That sounds nice.

Hootch: Alright. Now go upstairs in the closet and bring down the sex towel.

NCG: Whats the sex towel?

Hootch: Its the towel I use when I have sex in the tv room to make sure the couch or the carpet dont get any stains on them. This shit is expensive, you know?

NCG: The "sex towel" doesn't sound too romantic.

Hootch: Well, my mom is coming over tomorrow. What do you want me to tell her? "No, dont worry about that splotch on the couch, Ma, thats just a shot of my jizzwad".

I also just took the BoSox (-120) over Tbay. Dont know why the line is so low but too juicy not to take.

in the interest of throwing my money away to individuals other than sluts...

2007-07-27T18:55:00.000-04:00

...I've decided to fire up the gambling account again. I dont think I can go a day without watching the markets and my money move up and down. So, to try and appease my addiction I'll re-starting the gambling account and see if that scratches my itch. Healthy habits for sure.

The site I gamble through is set up for real-time, in-game betting. What this means is that almost every play that takes place during a game changes the lines and the proposition bets you can play. Throughout the course of a single game you can lay down almost as many bets as there are plays. Its seriously fucking addicting.

Tonight I'm starting off with the Winnipeg Blue Bombers (-9) to ass-fuck the Hamilton TigerCats. I'm also thinking of taking the over (9.5) for the Blue Jays/WhiteSox game. Josh Towers is pitching for the Jays which essentially means everyone in the bleachers will get a free baseball courtesy of ChiSox homers. Also apparently the WhiteSox have the shittiest bullpen in baseball, so we'll see if the over lures me into taking that action. I probably will if I'm down on the BlueBombers game, but for now I'll just stick with the football.

phone call at work

2007-07-24T03:31:00.000-04:00

Today at work I got a phone call from X. For those of you who dont know, X is this cool-cat Tunisian hipster who use to work at shithole co with me until his work Visa expired. He also use to rent out my basement so every weekend I had the pleasure of hearing him sodomize a broad array of willing and vocal female participants.

Anyway, X is now in Belgium and doing pretty well I'm happy to say. Just before lunch I get a call from him on my work line.

X: Hootch? Hey, how are you doing, man!!

Hootch: X?! Hey, brother, whats going on? Hey everybody (I announce to my department) its X on the phone.

X: I'm doing good. I'm doing real good.

Hootch: Good, I'm happy to hear that. Are you still in Belgium or have they thrown you out of the country yet?

X: Yeah, I'm still in Belgium but I'm on vacation right now. Right now I'm in Amsterdam.

Hootch: Wow thats awesome, dude. Hold on, I'm gonna put you on speaker phone so you can say "hi" to everyone.

X: No, no, no, man, dont put me on speaker phone. I'm zzzzzzzzsssssssszzzzssss (static interference)

Hootch: You're what? The line cut in and out there. I couldn't hear what you said.

X: Dont put me on speaker phone, brother, I'm zzzzsszzsszzszzsz (more static)

Hootch: What? You're gonna have to speak up. The line is cutting in and out. Listen, I'm gonna put you on speaker phone real quick. Just say hello to everyone. Everyone keeps asking about you, dude. They miss you. They keep on saying how you were like a little brother to them. (I click the "speakerphone on" button and turn up the volume)

X: (on speakerphone) No, no, man, no speakerphone. I just took a hit of xtasy so all I wanna do now is go into this bordello and powerfuck the first chick I see. You wont believe what 50 euros will get you over here.

The timing couldn't have been better. Go gettem, X. Throw in a couple pumps for me and maybe even a little titty squeeze.

movies

2007-07-19T08:41:00.000-04:00

Hey. Last week I hit up the Chinese Mall and picked up a few DVDs. Among the movies I bought was Vacancy starring Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale. Now, even though Kate Beckinsale is British, she's easily one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I dunno, it may be just me, but to my eyes most British women look like Posh Spice, which is to say completely and horribly bug-like/alien. However, Ms. Beckinsale is the exception that proves the rule, I guess.

Behold the result of the most unlikely British genetic coding ever in the history of the world:

My Gawd, man, that is hot!! If, for whatever reason, me and Kate Beckinsale were the last human beings on earth and the survival of the human race depended on us, there would be no way our species would survive. There is no way I would be able to come within 10 ft of Kate's snapper without uncontrollably sending the seeds of mankind everywhere but where they're designed to be deposited... the chin of a young lass.

Anyway, the movie. As it turned out Vacancy surpassed all of my expectations. I had anticipated the movie being pretty good but it had delivered even more suspense and scared-shitless action than even I imagined.

The movie in a lot of ways reminded me of PhoneBooth, another movie I love and think is under appreciated, in that so much of the story takes place in once setting. There is also a great deal of suspense in each story as a result of the villains largely going unseen, but not unheard from, until either the middle or near the end of the movie. Excellent, excellent stuff. I highly recommend both if you haven't seen either.

bullshit musings

2007-07-10T18:08:00.000-04:00

Shit. It was like receiving the best blow job you've ever had in your life only to find out later the person blowing you was a guy. I felt confused, betrayed and just plain ol' fucking mad.

Last week I took a little cash, from my line of credit, to play with in the market. For the entire week I couldn't miss. All the stocks I had targeted I had hit on big. Every buy and every sell order I was making was spot-on-fucking perfect. I cleared several Gs and I was walking like I was King Fucking Shit.

Then came this week. I'll spare myself the embarrassment of rehashing the fuckstraveganza comedy of errors and bad luck I encountered today and yesterday. My only saving grace was the decision to throw everything at Thomson Creek Metals. TCM is one of my favorite companies. I've been in and out of this stock more times than unemployed dirty dicks have been in and out of Marianne. I bought 1500 shares of TCM today and made back a good deal of my losses. If I can make close to another G tomorrow on TCM I may find myself back in the black. If not, I'll probably sell disgusted at myself for pissing away gains I could have used for procuring handjobs and weed.

Truthfully speaking, my investment account has turned more into a gambling account than anything else. I've sold shit I've made 10% - 20% in a few months for the prospects of throwing it all on a small cap looking to 2ble those gains in a quarter of the time. Sometimes its a swing and a miss. Other times I connect and hit it out of the park. When its good, you cant beat the rush. Its unreal. Its like the greatest fucking hit of adrenaline jacked right into your balls. When its not so good. It fucking sucks.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday I had another football game. I thought we were gonna lose. We had the bare minimum of 6 players again, forcing everyone who showed up to play both offence and defence. Our starting QB didn't show so we went with our back up, DC. DC is a fucking charmed gunslinger if I ever saw one. He makes the craziest, most retardedly unlikely plays seem commonplace. I'm pretty sure DC tokes up before gametime. Yesterday he forgot to bring his running shoes and shorts. I mean, how is that possible unless you're hitting the refer before the game. Anyway, in order to play he borrowed a girls' size 8 Chuck Taylors and Fuzzy's short, tight swimming trunks. And even though DC looked like he just came from the gay parade he still managed to put up 34 points on the board. We won 34 - 28.

We have a pretty good shot at going undefeated this year. I've played on a few football, soccer and basketball teams that have finished undefeated and had caught all the breaks during the regular season. Problem is these types of teams never win the championship.

Note to the Hamilton Tiger Cats Football Team

2007-07-09T06:02:00.000-04:00

Dear Hamilton Tiger Cats,

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but as long as your Quarterback's name is Chang and your starting running back is a white Canadian you may never win another football game again.

Now, I know I'm not a professional scout or anything, and I know Timmy Chang set all sorts of records while at the University of Hawaii, but come on, this is professional football...even if it is Canadian. For sure it'll disrupt the balance of the Universe if a Chang finds success as a quarterback. What's next? A black guy drawing anime!?! I mean, if part of playing quarterback entailed putting together a computer or solving complicated calculus equations, then I'm sure Timmy Chang could be your man... but it doesn't, so he isn't. Sorry.

Same deal for Jesse Lumsden, your Canadian running back. Dudes, you have a double whammy going against you - (1), your starting runningback is white; (2) he's Canadian. What were you thinking!?! I mean, fuck, you may have been better off with a one-legged black American runningback. If you were looking for someone to perform lumberjack duties around the stadium or someone to shoot a puck into a net, then fine, I could understand you going with Jesse Lumsden as opposed to a one-legged black American, but as runningback... i just dont get it. Enjoy getting blown out

conversation with Sterg's younger brother

2007-07-06T20:27:00.000-04:00

Tommy: Hey, Hootch. Me and you have always been pretty tight, right? I mean, if I tell you something in confidence you're not going to immediately rat me out to my brother, right?

Hootch: Yeah, Tommy, me and you are cool. Why? Whats going on? You okay?

Tommy: Yeah, yeah. Its about the new girl I'm seeing. I think tonight we may have sex for the first time with each other and I'm a little nervous. You know its been a little while since my last girlfriend...

Hootch: Dont worry about it, brother. I bet she is way more nervous than you are. There is no pressure. Just have fun. Enjoy it, man.

Tommy: What about condoms? Before I'd just steal a Trojan from my brother, but now he's stopped using condoms with his chick.

Hootch: Your brother is barebacking it?

Tommy: Yeah.

Hootch: Nice.

Tommy: Anyway, with the condom, what kind should I use?

Hootch: Well, if she's dirty, grab the thickest fucking condom you can buy... and then wear two.

Tommy: No, come on, man. I'm serious.

Hootch: Okay. Alright. Sorry. What kind were you thinking of buying.

Tommy: What about those special kind. The... ah... the... whatchuma call them? The ruffles kind.

Hootch: Ruffles?! Holy fuck, Tommy. I dont know if you mean "ribbed" or if you're planning on sticking your dick in a bag of potato chips.

late for the rockpile and cant think of a title

2007-07-06T07:18:00.000-04:00

I sucked huge cock Wednesday night at football. We only had 6 guys show up (the bare minimum you need on the field), so everyone had to go both ways - offense and defense. Defense was not a problem as I'm exactly like Champ Baily but only with a hairy ass. Offense though? I might as well have been wearing cinder block gloves cuz I couldn't catch shit. Three fucking dropped balls. Man, thats really unusual because I'm normally the male version of Jerry Rice.

Anyway, our QB (exactly like Drew Bledsoe... only less mobile; I think I could beat him in a race with a piano on my back) was nice enough to tell me "you'll get 'em next week" but I was still bummed.

Oh, by the way, we won the game 33 -14 so we're still the only undefeated team in our division. I have two games next week so I'm looking forward to getting shit back together.

Teams	G	W	L	T	P/F	P/A	PTS	+/-
Lost A Step	6	6	0	0	183	104	18	79
Obsessions	6	5	1	0	184	84	15	100
Enforcers	6	4	2	0	163	113	12	50
Milf Hunters FC	6	4	2	0	119	105	12	14
Seminoles	6	2	4	0	102	127	6	-25
Red Knights	6	2	4	0	93	123	6	-30

Sunday Morning Maniacs	5	0	5	0	69	147	0	-78
Argos	5	0	5	0	38	158	0	-120

I think it would be pretty rad to get quadrupled teamed by the harajuku girls

2007-07-02T19:17:00.000-04:00

yeah. For sure. I think it be pretty rad to get quadrupled teamed by the harajuku girls. I'm not really a multiple-partner-at-once type of guy, but I think I'd be down for seeing 8 japanese titties all heading for my balls at once. I could dig it. I especially like the 2 harajuku girls who think they're black.

I almost had a menage once. It took place at the end of a long night of drinking. But as it turned out it was only once chick and I was seeing double... actually it wasn't even a chick it was my hand but I had moisturized that day so my hand was soft and smelled good like a woman.

Mix one cup of wigger with a tablespoon of Debbie Gibson = Fergie's video

2007-07-01T08:07:00.000-04:00

Dear Fergie Ferg,

What in the world is going on, sister? I mean, I spend countless hours trying to fight against the increasing tide of popular opinion that you were born with a penis and this is how you repay me - with the Big Girls Dont Cry video?!

I hear the masses say "oh man, for sure Fergie was born with a dick" and without any consideration for my own dwindling popularity I steadfastly and earnestly defend your genetalia "NO WAY, SCREW YOU GUYS!!! Fergie was not born with a penis alright!! Its just that all the steroids she's done only make her clit look like a penis, okay!!" And as thanks for my efforts you bust out the Debbie Gibson look from the 80's?!?!?!

For heaven's sake, Fergie, I haven't been able to masturbate to you once since I've seen that "Big Girls Dont Cry" video. Trust me I've tried. I imagine, like always, we're doing it doggie style. I ask you "How do you like it, baby? Am I as good as Wil.I.Am? In my fantasies previous to the Big Girls Dont Cry Video" you'd say something like "you're better, big daddy". But now when we're doing it doggie and I ask you the same question you turn your head and its not even you any longer ... its not your face I see any more... its Debbie Gibson's. And when she opens her mouth rather suggest we smoke weed or compliment my ergonomically shaped penis, all she does is sing "El-ec-tric Youth". I never knew my balls could recede so fast into my lower abdomen.

Anyway, Fergie, I know as an artist you constantly want to evolve and explore different aspects of your personality and creativity. But you can still evolve as an artist and look like a wigger hootchie-mama. Please dont change your image for the sake of artistic growth. I mean, if you feel some change in your image is necessary try and follow the path Rhianna as taken. Despite the fact that her repertoire of songs and sounds have expanded exponentially she still rocks that amazonian fuck goddess look.

Please Fergie. Think about it. There is no way I could ever masturbate to this:

DVDs and shit

2007-06-24T07:13:00.000-04:00

I saw Lucky Number Slevin on Friday. It was pretty good. Actually, it was really good. Yeah, I'm not shitting you. It was probably one of the more entertaining movies I've seen in the past 6 months.

Maybe I liked it a lot because I had super low expectations. I had never seen a Josh Hartnett movie before... at least I dont think I have. I expected him to be the musical equivalent of Puff Daddy, which is to say completely and entirely shit. But no. Hartnett was good.

Same deal for Lucy Liu. Apart from gimmicky roles like in Charlie's Angels, Kill Bill and in Ally McBeal I had never seen her in anything real. She was good too, though. Damn sexy also.

The movie had some pretty interesting camera shots and dialogue. Combine that with a lot of extras and it was definitely worth the $20 to buy the DVD.

Early this morning I also saw Garden State. I heard it was supposed to be pretty good. But I dunno... I couldn't seem to watch more than 10 minutes of the movie without feeling the overwhelming urge to flip the channel to Jumanji on TBS. I think I may hate Zach Braff. I may elaborate later on but Garden State didn't sit all that well with me.

One thing I did like was J7 L7's short story on his blog. Here is the link to the piece. Check it out.

Football is going alright. Team is in first place. The standings on the league's website is a little out of date so it only shows us at 3-0.

Teams	G	W	L	T	P/F	P/A	PTS	+/-
Enforcers	3	3	0	0	101	28	9	73
Lost a Step	3	3	0	0	91	46	9	45
Obsessions	3	2	1	0	91	54	6	37
Red Knights	3	2	1	0	65	55	6	10
Milf Hunters FC	3	1	2	0	71	71	3	0
Seminoles	3	1	2	0	52	71	0	-19

Sunday Morning Maniacs	3	0	3	0	39	103	0	-64
Argos	3	0	3	0	18	110	0	-92

However, we just bitch-slapped "the enforcers" up and down the field last week so we're sitting pretty on top as the only undefeated team.

I've been nursing either a hernia or a pulled groin since week one. I'm trying to determine which I have. How can you tell? I guess going to the doctors would be a good way of finding out. I fucking hate doctors, though. Doctors and Zach Braff... what a way to ruin a beautiful summer's day. Anyway my pulled "groinia" is feeling a bit better so maybe I'll just fuck the idea of going to the doctors for good. Getting older though. Thats for sure. I remember when the only thing I had to stretch my muscles and warm up for was marathon jungle sex with the German broad at University. Fuck, now I practically have to spend half an hour just stretching my legs for a 10 minute walk to the corner store.

Enough of my bitching. I gotsta go pour myself a glass of prune juice and watch tonights episode of Matlock.

reality shows and canadian music

2007-06-22T06:25:00.000-04:00

Alright. I'm a sucker for shows like American/Canadian Idol and So You Think You Can Dance. However, one thing I would change about these types of shows is how mean some of the judges can be. I mean, what the fuck, dude, cant you remember how it once felt to be young and full of hopes and dreams?

The judges on So You Think You Can Dance absolutely freak out, when they find out that someone who does not perform particularly well actually teaches dance to young adults. They act like its the biggest atrocity in the world. I remember one exchange from last season after a contestant danced pretty shit.

Judge: Come up to the microphone, darling...
Woman: (walks up to the mic after dancing)
Judge: What do you do for a living?
Woman: (out of breath and panting) I'm a dance instructor.
Judge: (looking horrified) You are a dance instructor?!
Woman: Yes. I teach little children.
Judge: (looking even more horrified like the woman just admitted she's a member of a Taliban sleeper cell) Is... is there no god in heaven? How can something like this happen? This is the real problem with America. You teach little children how to dance!??!! Get off my stage... just get off. I cant stand to look at your face anymore.

Ok. I kinda made up the "get off my stage" part, but for real, yo, theses judges are assholes.
Take Zach on Canadian Idol, a cock-sucker of enormous proportions. He's a 40ish year old douche who thinks he's cool cuz he has an earing and a goatee. The guy spends most his time on the show with a sour look on his face pretending he has some place better to be. Who you fooling, dude? Everyone knows if you weren't employed by Canadian Idol you'd be serving up $5 handjobs from out of the backseat of your car. Here is a pic of Zack throwing a garbage can after being enraged by a string of poor singing performances:

ohhhhh, the fag on tv is pissed because we've offended his artistic sensibilities . Negro, please!!! I haven't seen anything so contrived and rehearsed since the last Tom Cruise or John Travolta interview where they try and convince us they are, in fact, normal and not the actual godless degenerates we know they are.

Another thing about the Canadian music industry that bothers me is their reluctance to support anyone with any sex appeal. I mean, fuck, in a country of 25 million+ is it an absolute impossibility to find someone who can sing and be a provider of wet dreams?? I dunno, I guess Nelly Furtado can sometimes look alright but then I hear her talk and its an instant erection kill.

I dont think there has been anyone since Mitsou, in the 1980's, who could be relied upon to provide high quality crankage material on a consistent basis. Mitsou was French Canada's answer to Madonna, and sure she wasn't all that hot, but at least she gave you the impression you could probably score a blowjob off her if you ran into her on the street.

Anyway, I could say more but I gotta get to the rock-pile.

her body stay vicious, she be up in the gym just working on her fitness

2007-06-19T06:11:00.000-04:00

Alright. There is this horse-faced chick on Much Music. Her name is Leah Miller. All my friends seem to like her cuz she's got big tits and a small waist. I think she is kind of annoying, though. On Saturday I was watching a repeat of Leah Miller's interview with my future wife, Hilary Duff. Fucking brutal. Leah spent more time trying to become friends with Hilary than actually interviewing her. I mean, it was so pathetic that even the 12 year old girls in the audience asked more insightful questions.

12 year old girl in the audience: Hi Hilary. I love your music. My question is what artist would you most like to collaborate with?

Hilary Duff: Wow, what a good question. I'd really love to work with Akon. Everyone else seems to be putting out hit songs with him.

Leah Miller: Oh my gawd, Hilary!! That's what I would've said... I mean...if I actually was a singer... and anyone cared what I thought. Lets take our next audience question. Yes, the guy who looks like he hasn't showered in a week, whats your question for Hilary?

Hootch: My question is, apart from going out with the least talented person in the world, Joel Madden, what else would you change about your personal and professional life?

Hilary Duff: Hmmm. Thats an interesting question. I guess I would start by...

Hootch: Sorry for interrupting, Hilary. I had a quick "add on" to my question. I just wanted to let you know I love your videos. Their composition and story-telling are really quite extraordinary and first class. I jack it to them all he time.

Hilary: Oh my gawd. Thats soooo sweet. Did you know I use that as motivation? Whenever I'm on set shooting a video and its already been a long day, sometimes all I wanna do is say "fuck it" and go home. But, I just think of all the dateless, lonely, geezers like you who rely on me to produce crankage material, and it really gives me that extra boost of energy I need to complete the day.

Anyway, that Leah Miller interview with Hilary Duff was pretty shit.

I really should have showered, instead of doing this, before going to work

2007-06-13T06:05:00.000-04:00

Part one, in my one part series, debating the relevance of the Gilmore Girls in a Post Saddam Hussein World

2007-06-10T06:54:00.001-04:00

the end.

we got action (how to lose all your money in one day)

2007-06-07T07:45:00.000-04:00

Sold Forzanis and Stelco at a bit of a loss for an opportunity to play GQC on the Venture and OIL on the Toronto xchange.

GQC ran up over 300% yesterday as the mining company had terrific results from the hole they dug. The stock traded roughly 25% of its float. Fucking nuts. I got 5000 shares at 1.47. If the stock doesn't pop at the open I'll be surprised... and perhaps a little suicidal.

OIL is expecting some results from a few of their projects within the next week or so. The stock has been climbing in anticipation. I have 300 shares at 12.31.

Really, I know next to nothing about these companies and its never a good idea to chase a stock... or whores... but I'm a sucker for both.

If both stocks tank the whores in Toronto will go hungry.

Monday morning musings

2007-06-04T06:16:00.001-04:00

Anyone else see Cameron Diaz slutting it up yesterday on the MTV movie awards? Damn, she looked surprisingly pretty. She looked like she was getting a little meat back on those bones. Reminded me a little of her in The Mask. Even so, you could still tell it was just a matter of time before Justin moved on and tapped something a little younger. Enter Jessica Biel. Smokin'. Thats the way to do it, kid.

On Friday, I mentioned a couple stocks I'm playing for a (hopeful) bump initiated by takeover speculation. I bought 120 shares of Forzanis at 25.40. On Friday it closed at 24.85. Forzanis, on friday, said they were approached by private equity but told them they were not interested in selling the company. Enter the dick in my ass. I'll keep watch of the stock and if it looks like its going significantly lower I'll sell today. Ideally, I would like to keep the stock until Tuesday were FGL is scheduled to release their Q1 numbers. I'm guessing the numbers will be strong and there are whisperings that the company will initiate a dividend policy. Fingers crossed, as this may be the catalyst for a pop in price.

Stelco is the other stock I'm trying to hit for a short-term flip. I bought 105 shares at 31, on friday and it closed at 31.90. Stelco is this deeply troubled company that I normally wouldn't touch. However, its in a sector where everything is being consolidated and the company said they are actually in preliminary talks and exploring all options for maximizing shareholder value. Still, this doesn't mean shit and its still a fairly risky play but I'll chase the rumours and see where it gets me.

Ordinarily its never a good idea to chase a stock on rumours. However me and good ideas are like water and oil.

stuff

2007-05-31T20:49:00.000-04:00

Feeling pretty good now. Yesterday the football team I play for won the first game of the season. We beat the team that won the championship last year so that was pretty exciting and maybe a little unexpected, but fuck it. we played well.

I'll get to the game a little later on but right now the main reason I'm feeling pretty good is cuz I finally was able to track down and download Renegade Soundwave's most hardcore song - Kray Twins. This song is like the soundtrack your most bizzarre highschool acid trip or your attempts to fuck when completely bombed out of your skull feeling good. For sure its a great time, you're buck naked but you just cant manage to insert anything anywhere cuz you'd rather focus on making random noises with your mouth while showing off your African Tribal dance technique. Anyway, the song is great.

I cant really think of the football game right now as I've broken one of my personal rules to investing. Other people do it, but I am not a fan of borrowing money to invest. However yesterday, amongst rumours that the Forzani Group will be bought out by private equity, I tapped into my line of credit and bought 210 shares at @ 25.10. Yesterday the Forzani Group closed at 25.29 but after the bell, reports came out that confirmed the rumour but also stated that Forzani has no apparent interest in being taken private. So I'm not sure how this one will break out at the open today. I may very well end up getting fucked in the ass, but lets hope not.

Same scenario happening with Stelco this morning. Stelco is this really troubled canadian steel company attracting interest from foreign ownership. I may make a play on Stelco as well today. Pre-market looks fucking nuts. Lots of activity.

Keep in mind, the above is in no way a solicitation or an endorsement of these companies. I do not have any designations. I'm just a dumb motherfucker trying to make a buck.

Lidell vs Jackson; Ms Universe vs Akira

2007-05-27T06:23:00.000-04:00

On Saturday night I met my future wife. Well... not so much "met" her but more so just saw her on tv. I was at Sterg's house watching Howard on Demand, for the pre Liddell vs Jackson fight festivities, and thats when I saw her - Akira. This chick blew my fucking mind. I normally dont like skinny women too too much but Akira was perfect. Its like God read my mind and put together the blueprint for my ideal woman. I'm still in awe that such a perfect physical specimen (apart from myself) exists. I mean, I've never seen an ass/upper thigh combo like Akira's before. Instant boner. I dont think there is anything she could do or say to turn me off. She could have told me she was a Nazi and I still would have dove nose first into that asshole.

Here is her website: http://www.akiranyc.com/

A word of warning tho, do not visit her site unless you have at least half an hour to play with yourself afterwards. Otherwise you way die of a rapid rush of semen to your balls resulting in your sack exploding.

On another note, I fell asleep watching Ms. Universe today. I got a chuckle out of the "esteemed panel of judges. Tony Romo?!? The Japanese pigeon-necked guy from Heroes?!? Some Mexican soap opera star?!?! I mean, how are these guys qualified to be judges in a beauty contest? If I was running the show it'd go something like this:

Host: And now television audience, lets introduce you to our revered panel of judges who have the massive responsibility of selecting the next Ms Universe. Our first judge works within the finance sector, has watched 150,000 hours of porno and is presently stalking Akira trying to convince her to at least throw him a mercy fuck. Everybody put your hands together for Hootch!!!

Audience: (Hisses and boos)

Host: Our next judge's qualifications include, once impregnating an entire graduating class of catholic school girls all in one night fueled by nothing but the love in his heart... and a mountain of xtasy. He will also be handing out the awards tonight for Ms. Congeniality, Ms. Photogenic and Ms Tightest Vagina. Everybody please welcome Mr. Charlie Shame.

Anyway, my version of Ms America would go something like that. You'd also get to see alot of the backstage happenings, like the contestants hand-jobbing their way into the top ten etc etc etc.

I really wanted to talk about the Lidell vs Jackson fight and our efforts to score anything that looked even remotely similar to Akira. Maybe I'll get to that next time.

the ho's I knows - Part 1: Kanai - I'm pretty sure she hates me

2007-05-25T01:51:00.000-04:00

I know this girl. Her name is Kanai. Kanai hustles at my neighbourhood strip joint. She is extraordinairily beautiful. "Beautiful" is not a word I'd normally use to describe a girl, but in this case it can not be helped. Kanai is beautiful. Gotdamn she is.

Last year I spent one evening with Kanai at her club. While that was enough to lessen her hatred for me, it wasn't enough for her to go home and sleep with me. Too bad.

Kanai liked to rock the sophisticated and elegant angle. Unlike the other strippers, you'd never catch Kanai snorting coke by the darkened emergency exit, or fucking the 40 year old pony-tailed DJ who thought he had his finger on the pulse of everything cool, young and hip and who insisted on playing Norweigen rock super-group A-Ha's "Take On Me" at least 3 times a shift. However, Kanai was not like that. She was a bit more polished than the other strippers.

Anyway, me and Kanai were in the back in the VIP section of the club, where she was straddling me and grinding her naked body up against my dick so hard I swear I thought we were fucking through my jeans. I entertained the thought of excusing myself, for a few moments, going to the bathroom and slapping on a lambskin because recollections of lessons learned in highschool sex ed did not bring up any lists of denim or Calvin Klein underwear fabric being an acceptable substitute for condoms. That or maybe strapping a few lumps of coal to my balls and having Kanai turn them into diamonds by the end of the night.

I'll continue later on. Time to go to my job and pretend to work.

later.

the anime girl, cameron diaz and justin timberhootch

2007-05-17T23:29:00.000-04:00

click, click... BOOM!! There goes my heart and my nuts exploding at the same time.

I walk into work on friday, talking to myself, as per usual, about how I think Lou Dobbs is secretly Mexican, when I turn the corner and come face to face with the anime girl. She is wearing this white, loose, summer, strapless top thing that had her entire shoulders and upper chest exposed.

Have mercy.

I would have stood a better chance going shoulder to grill against an outta control mack truck. The anime girl ran me over with little regard to my obvious wish to have her mount my face and ride me like she was the frontrunner in the Kentucky Derby.

I like to sing. I have a horrible voice but, damn, I like to sing. Especially in my car. On my way to work in the morning I slip in Justified in the CD player and I giv'er. Its not just that I sing the songs, but its more like I actually metaphysically become Justin Timberlake. Justin TimberHootch. This morning, as I was driving myself home from whatever gutter I spent in last night, I was singing the My Love song. But its not like I was only singing it. I was signing it with such pure-felt emotion and soul its like I was actually serenading Cameron Diaz's vagina... but not the Cameron Diaz of today cuz that shit looks a little worn out and had, but the Cameron Diaz from The Mask and Feeling Minnesota.

(quick weekend recollections before work) conversation at a wedding

2007-05-14T06:28:00.000-04:00

Paul: Have you seen Spiderman 3 yet?
Hootch: No. I might go Sunday.
Paul: I heard it wasn't that good.
Hootch: I heard the same thing but I liked the first two.
Paul: I didn't even like the first 2 that much. I think Toby Magauire is miscast as Spiderman.
Hootch: Toby? I think he's alright. Why who would you have play Spiderman?
Paul: I dunno. That's a tough one.
Hootch: I heard when auditions for the first movie were being held, Freddie Prinze jr was lobbying hard for the part.
Paul: Yeah, someone like Freddie Prinze would have been good.
Hootch: Naaah, Freddie is too pretty. Peter Parker has to be common or unremarkable looking. He's like the "everyman", you know.
Paul: You're right. Oh!! you know who would have made a good spiderman? Jason Biggs!
Hootch: What?!? Holy fuck, Paul how much have you had to drink? Jason Biggs as Spiderman?!? First of all, isn't Jason Biggs Jewish? A Jewish Spiderman, holy shit. "Shalom from your friendly neighbourhood spiderman". I dont think that would work, man. You'd see the outline of his yamaka through his spiderman outfit....secondly, his shnaz is so big there would be no mystery as to the secret identity of Spiderman. Everyone would know Spiderman would either be Jason Biggs or Gonzo from the Muppets.
Paul: What about that guy who played Robin from Batman and Robin?
Hootch: Chris O' Donnell?
Paul: Yeah, yeah, yeah, Chris O'Donnell.
Hootch: Isn't Chris O'Donnell a midget?
Paul: No man!! He's taller than Toby Maguire.
Hootch: I dunno. Maybe I think O'Donnell looks shorter than Maguire because he's more muscular, you know.
Paul: I dont think O'Donnell is that muscular.
Hootch: Naw, I dont mean conventional Hollywood muscular like Arnold or Stallone. I mean gay-guy muscular with massive thighs and glutes. You know, the type of muscular you get from pumping ass all day?

I think its somewhere around this point when Paul's wife forbid him to talk to me any longer..

fuck

2007-05-04T22:49:00.000-04:00

Jefferson again proved how he is infinitely more man than Carter by taking it to the hole during the Nets' last possession while Carter settled for a 35 footer the play before. Anyway speaking of taking it to the hole, lemme finish off, or at least try to, with NewChineseGirl.

We meet at a bar/danceclub/meat market. She looks good. She is wearing this lacey blue undershirt thing underneath her spaghetti-strap halter top. She sees me and runs up to hug me. She buries her mouth in my ear, whispers and laughs "I'm sooo drunk".

We find a corner far enough away from the bar to buy us a little free space and where its not so loud. The DJ is spinning this completely shit tune and the dance floor is packed with white guys who all think they're Eminem and wigger chicks. Me and NewChineseGirl talk a bit. I'm kinda nervous which is weird cuz I almost never get nervous. I try and hide my nervousness but do a poor job. NCG can tell. She starts laughing again and begins to tease.

NCG: Oh my gawd!! Are you nervous?
Hootch: What!? No. Why would I be nervous?
NCG: (moves in closer, pinching the sides of my waist) Oh my gawd, you are nervous.
Hootch: You're crazy. I'm not nervous. I dont even like you. Why would I be nervous?

Just then Monica's "every time the beat drops" starts playing. NCG tries to pull me on to the dance floor. I like the song but I pull back. "I dont really dance" I say. "Please" she pleads and gives this pouty look. I'm pretty sure making half an effort to dance will buy me at least a handjob by the end of the night... but still, I hate dancing.

Reluctantly I make my way through the sea of wiggers to the dance floor. SexyBack comes on. I like this song also. I do my best to try and relax and dance but I feel like a total fag. I'm about to say "fuck this" and walk away when NCG starts grinding her flat ass up against my dick.

The end of the night and we are back at my place. I got NCG just about naked. I'm in my skidmarked underwear and pit-stained undershirt. We are getting just about to the point where we are gonna hafta call it quits or fuck like bunnies. Either way is okay with me. I leave it up to her. She says she doesn't like to have sex on the first date. I tell her "but when I see you every day at work its like a date, so technically this is like our 50th date or something". She doesn't buy it but like I said thats alright with me - I'll bend her over the couch tomorrow or the next day.

I go to kiss her again and you can imagine my suprise, given what she had just said, when she started licking and making her way down my chest. "Oh man, is she gonna blow me?" I thought to myself then laughed a little cuz I dont think I've ever asked myself that question before and it sounds pretty ridiculous.

NCG: (sucking dick) Is this okay?
Hootch: Yeah, its nice
NCG: Cuz I thought I heard you laugh
Hootch: Oh, that. I was just thinking of a funny part in Everybody Loves Raymond
NCG: WHAT?!?! I have your dick in my mouth and you're thinking about...
Hootch: (interrupting her) I'm just kidding. Sorry it was a stupid joke. Please, dont let me interrupt you. You're doing good.

So NCG is going to work and I start thinking - thats kinda weird the chick wont have sex with me but she'll suck my dick(her parents must be very proud)?! I mean, I haven't sucked anyone's dick before but to me that is a way more intimate gesture than sticking a penis in your vagina, but I dunno, maybe its a girl thing.

Then NCG starts talking again while continuing to suck.

NCG: Tell me how it feels
Hootch: It feels nice
NCG: What part feels nice?
Hootch: (ignoring the question)
NCG: What part feels nice?
Hootch: Oh, sorry. All of it.
NCG: Is there a part you dont like?
Hootch: Just the talking part.

I start laughing and she starts chucking the knuckles at me. We play fight for a bit and i swear I think she's trying to open-hand slap my testicles. Anyway, she wouldn't finish me off after that. Next time maybe I'll learn to keep my yap shut.

dumb thoughts for the day

2007-05-03T05:46:00.000-04:00

(1) Considering my UTFL season begins in 3 weeks I thought it'd be in my best interest to temporarily suspend my online quest for black babe one white dude porno and take my fat ass to the gym once in a while.

(2) I'm developing this new website where you can stay in touch and write messages to all the people you pretend to be friends with. The website is gonna be called "Imgonnakickyouintheface_book.ca"

(3) How is this guy passing any substance abuse test. Has the NBA stopped testing for crack?

(4) I signed up for Instant Messaging. You can find me most of the time in New Jersey Nets chat rooms acting as an ambassador of goodwill and a conduit of peace. Most of my conversations being with "sooo... this is where all the ugly girls hang out".

(5) How is this guy passing any substance abuse test? Has the NBA stopped testing for semen in the stomach?

Match 2 of the "who I would rather be tag-teamed by" tournament

2007-05-01T06:12:00.000-04:00

Who would I rather be tag-teamed by?

Sylvia Saint

Tera Patrick

vs.

Rorie Gilmore

Hilary Duff

in this picture Hilary Duff has the 2nd biggest vagina

I'm pretty sure I'd do just about anything to sleep with Sylvia Saint... rim-job a rhinoceros, sleep on a bed of nails while some motherfucker sledgehammers my torso, or even listen to a Josh Groban CD. I'm also pretty sure if I ever did get the opportunity to make the 2ble backed beast with Ms Saint, she would fuck me into a mindless coma I'd be hard pressed to recover from. Still, I'm practically mindless anyway, so she's well worth the ride.

I've been crushing on Hillary Duff ever since she lost those Franz Kafka bug-eyes. However, my main turn on with Hilary Duff is not her looks. Its the fact that she not only dumped but crushed Good Charlotte's super-douche Joel Madden's heart. That accomplishment is worth my endless admiration. I love watching Joel come off like a sucker and hearing him complain at every opportunity how Hillary did him wrong. That's too funny (you are soooo punk, assmunch). Whats even funnier is how he says he's now happier with Nicole Ritchie. WAAAHAHAHAHA. Sure you are, buddy. That's like going from eating steak to eating turd, one day to the next. Bon Appetite, asshole (the previous being said, I'd still rather eat turd than eat Nicole Richie's snapper).

And the winner is: Against every instinct I hafta go with the tag team of Duff and Rory Gilmore. I mean, with great opportunity comes great responsibility and if I have the opportunity to pour salt in the wound of the worst band in the world, then I gotta take it. Revenge fucking Hilary Duff as payback for Good Charlotte introducing the world to the worst music ever is an X-factor hard to resist. Sorry, Sylvia...one day we will be together.

pics of trips

2007-04-27T06:57:00.000-04:00

I'm at a loss for what to write so I thought I'd share some pics from my travels. This here is a pic from my trip to North Korea. Before my departure from Toronto, I dubbed the trip "40 ho's in 40 nights". Unfortunately I fell 39 short of the mark.

Here is a pic from my trip to Antarctica. I went there to watch the summer Olympics. This pic was taken at a beach volleyball game. The player waving to us is from some Scandinavian country, I cant remember exactly which, I think it may have been El Salvador. I actually met her at a market the day before and was considering sleeping with her until I saw her in a bikini and realised she was more man than I'd ever be.

Here are a couple of pics of Atlantis before it became submerged in water. I think I was the party responsible for its annihilation. In the bathroom of my hotel room I came across a button that said "do not press". I pressed it. We sank. Woopsee.

this, here, 2nd pic was the view looking up from my hotel room pool. If you looked straight down you'd catch a view the Mediterranean. It was wonderous to take in its natural unadulterated beauty. Me and this East German bitch use to get high here every day.

Raps vs Nets

2007-04-24T21:45:00.000-04:00

I'd rather lose a testicle than have my beloved Raps lose to a bitch team like the NJ Nets.

Today's game was un-fucking-believable. It was like a heavyweight fight that allowed cock-punching, eye gouging and ass raping. It went back and forth with NJ controlling the play most of the time and the Raps playing catchup. Each time NJ hit a big shot to gain some distance, Toronto scratched, clawed and cock-punched their way back to even. They played balls-out, super-fucking gutsy. I nearly cried on several occasions as my Raps stood up to the highly touted trio of Vince, Kidd and Jefferson. Man, even the most useless Slovenian in the world, Rasho Nesterovic, played with some heart tonight. ATTA BE RASHO!!!!

My thoughts on some of the players in the series:

Jason Kidd - Dude, you are playing unbelievable, especially on defence. You are getting your hands on more balls than a broke-ass Marianne jonesing for some weed in a room full of wigger, smallfry, drugdealers. However...you're a cock. I'm glad Toni Braxton was fucking Jamal MonsterMash and Jimmy J when you were professing your love for her back in Dallas. Also, my man Charlie Shame may be right, sometime in this series you may in fact unhinge your jaw and attempt to swallow TJ Ford whole. Shit, you may even get your jaw/mouth around his head. Damn, you may even get your mouth around his shoulders. Heck you may even get your mouth around his chest. But motherfucker, you'll never get your unhinged jaw around TJ Ford's balls cuz they are just too fucking big. Think about that next time you try and man-up and bitch slap your wife, asshole.

TJ Ford - Sure this pic may look a little aloof and gay but trust me... TJ loves winning and vagina so much he'll change directions on you so fast, break both your ankles and then fuck every female member of your family, including your pets.

last saturday

2007-04-20T23:04:00.000-04:00

Alright. So last Saturday was not only the day me and newchinesegirl were supposed to hook up but it was also the day of my friend Demeat's bachelor party. Demeat is this crazy motherfuckin greek mixed martial arts ninja / virgin. He's a nice enough guy but every time I see him I get the feeling he's always on the verge of slapping some sort of testicular submission hold on me faster than I can tap out or apologise for rim-jobbing his younger sister last year.

Anyway, I call newchinesegirl and we make plans to hook up around 11:30. I tell her about the bachelor party. She tells me she's going out for dinner then to a bar with some friends. All is cool.

Around 8:30 me, Ho, Sterg, and Mally head out for the bachelor party. The bachelor party was held is some shithole tavern. As soon as we walked into the joint the first thing I notice is the hostess - fuckin beautiful, a little older than I expected but still very nice. The second thing I notice is everyone else except for my crew seems to be at least 100 years old. Kinda weird.

Me and the boys make our way to the bar. We all order 2bles, except for Mally. He wants a quadruple. The bartender, who is at least 1000 years old, takes forever to make our drinks and fucks up all our orders. He tells Mally he cant serve him a quadruple so he gives him 2 doubles instead.

As the evening progresses Mally finds himself at the Texas Hold'em table and orders the bartender to keep the 2 doubles coming every 20 minutes. Sterg, with Ho as his wing man, corners the super hot hostess and goes to work. I find the buffet line, sit down in front of the big screen and watch Sports Centre.

About an hour later the stripper arrives. And to tell you the truth I dont think she was even a stripper. I think she was just some 40 year old junkie they found on the street corner who was willing to take off her clothes for $20. I was pretty sure for an extra 5 she'd be willing to add blowjob to her list of services.

Anyway, the "stripper" takes off her clothes and I notice her ass is blister red, like some sort of bizarre tanning both experiment gone horribly wrong. As she's dancing for Demeat, one of the geezers grabs her and pulls her over. The stripper straddles the geezer and he starts sucking her tits. When he pulls his mouth off her tits I can see the trail of geriatric spit hanging from her breast, leading to his mouth. Pretty freakin' gross. Whats even more gross is the fact that Demeat started sucking the same spit-soaked titty when she straddled him immediately afterward.

11:30 rolls around and I call newchinesegirl. She asks me to meet her in a bar by her house where her and her friends still are. I ask if I can bring Sterg, Mally and Ho. She says "yes". We hop in Sterg's Escalade and make our way.

Next: Part 3 - I hate wiggers who like soka

busting gun shots for the chinese bbq joint by my work

2007-04-20T18:17:00.000-04:00

Alright. I wanna tell you about my evening with NewChineseGirl cuz it was a great fucking night and a really fun time, but before I do I gotta give props to this new Chinese bbq lunch joint I found close to my work.

This place is not one of those fake Chinese restaurants like Ho Lee Chow or Manchu Wok. This place is hardcore, nigger!! Authentic!! They got pig faces hanging on hooks in their front window slathered in bbq sauce. None of their employees speak English. The first time I went there I ordered bbq chicken and rice. The Chinese guy behind the counter packed up my order in their finest, environmentally friendly, styrofoam container and sent me on my way. I got back to work and opened the styrofaom container. What did I get? Some sort of bamboo-like jungle vegetable mixed with shrimp and some other seafood I can only guess to be dolphin ass.

Oh, and the guy that actually cuts up the cooked meat, that motherfucker isn't even wearing any plastic gloves or anything. He's just grabbing a fistfull of bbq pork, cuts it up. Runs his hands through his hair. Grabs a handful of bbq chicken breasts, cuts it up. Blows his nose. Grabs a handful of duck balls, scratches his ass... He just doesn't give a fuck.

I'm positive one of these days you're gonna hear about some weird birdflu-like case in Toronto... and that shmuck will be me. But until then... hook me up with some bbq chicken, motherfucker, that shit is tasty!!!

Hootch

ps. oh, I almost forgot. If you ever go to this plaza with the chinese bbq joint, leave your car at home cuz the parkinglot is like a fucking bumper-car ride at an amusement park for the fucking blind.

Lord only knows what she's saying about me

2007-04-14T06:19:00.001-04:00

I'm going out tonight with the new Chinese girl from my work. I'm a little nervous because its difficult to tell exactly how good looking she is. I mean, I think she's alright but its difficult to be 100% certain because most of the other women at my work are war-pigs. So its difficult to say if I'm truly attracted to the new Chinese girl or if I only like her because next to the 94 year old Sri Lankan in my department she looks pretty good. Either way I suppose, as long as she ends up naked by the end of the night...

the first annual "who would I rather be tag-teamed by" tournament

2007-04-03T22:10:00.000-04:00

The first annual"Who Would I Rather be Tag-Teamed by" tournament.

20 teams comprised of two individuals each will face off in a round-robin formatted tournament. The winning team will advance to the 2nd round, the losing team will not.

Round 1; Match 1

Who would I rather be tag-teamed by:

and

vs

and

At the expense of my internal organs being impaled by huge African penis, I hafta go with the Hoya Destroya (the sweatiest motherfucker in the world) Patrick Ewing and his partner Dikembe Motumbo, the man with the craziest coke nostrils I've ever seen.

I couldn't think of a worse lay than Nicole Ritchie and Paris Hilton. Paris' sex tape was a joke. I got harder watching Wolf Blitzer on CNN than by watching Paris fumble in the dark trying to figure out what to do with that fag's penis.

Another reason why I picked Dikembe and Patrick was because if I ever survived that crazy African gangbang, we could play a nice little game of pick-up ball afterward.

Separated at birth: the Olsen triplets

2007-03-29T17:58:00.000-04:00

Despite the fact that all three are identical, I'd still rather fuck the lemur... less chance of disease.

Jerry Maguire would have been better if this happened:

2007-03-24T17:04:00.000-04:00

Ray: D'you know that the human head weighs 8 pounds?

Jerry: Get the fuck out of here, nerd!!

or this:

Jerry: Did you know that Troy Aikman, in only six years, has passed for 16,303 yards?

Ray: Fag

my work spares no expense when it comes to hiring qualified individuals

2007-03-24T06:47:00.000-04:00

Recently the company I work for hired a group of gimps and illegal immigrants to file our 2006 files. I was chosen to lead the motley crew of 3 cent an hour employees to the warehouse where they would organize and separate the 2006 files from the 2007. My manager told me that I was to stay in the warehouse with the new employees as long as it took them to organise the mountain of paperwork and to answer any questions they may have.

As we approached the warehouse I thought it'd be a good idea to welcome the newhires and lay down some ground rules:

"Hello everybody. Welcome to Shithole co. If you have any questions at all please do not hesitate to ask anybody else but myself. Despite the fact that I will only be five feet away from you, I am, under no circumstances, to be disturbed. I will be too busy playing Tetris or trying to score some weed for the weekend. Oh, and one last thing, as there is no internet access in the warehouse, please lets try and get this filing done as quickly as possible. At any point in time, if any of you have to use the bathroom, please for the sake of progress, either hold it or grab one one these communal piss bottles I will be strategically placing throughout your work area".

15 minutes later and on line 25 of my Tetris game, one of the gimps approaches me:

Gimp: I have this file here, it says October 2006. What do I do with it?

Hootch: Place it in a pile with the other 2006 files.

Gimp: What if it says December 2006?

Hootch: You would still place it with the other 2006 files. Dont even look at the month. If the file says 2006, you place it in one pile, if it says 2007 you place it in the other pile.

Gimp: Oh, I got it now.

Hootch: Good. Now, unless you're holding an eighth... (shooing him away)

Gimp: What if it says December 2007?

Hootch: Well, it wouldn't say December 2007 because we're only in March., motherfucker.

Gimp: Oh, I got it now... but what if it did?

Holy fuck, have I unknowingly died and gone to hell? As I was checking my vitals I saw one illegal immigrant make his way towards the communal piss bottles. "Finally" I thought "at least one newhire looks like he can follow directions".

However...

"NO, NO, XXXXXXX!!! The communal piss bottles are not for drinking"

I'd Rather Be In Asia

2007-03-20T22:13:00.000-04:00

Do you watch the tv show "Search for the next PussyCat Doll? I do. I'm addicted to it. Well... actually its not so much the show I'm addicted to as it is Asia's ass. Unbelievable. Yesterday, on the show, some of the close-ups of Asia's ass were so tight I thought the producers of the program may have employed a fibre optic camera to actually shoot from inside her ass.

As purty as Asia is, she is not the only reason I watch the show. I also watch the show for Mikey Minden, uber-fag extraordinaire. Previous to Mikey Mike, I thought insensitivity and heartlessness were characteristics solely found in white, spoiled males. Mikey has proven me wrong. He is truly a cock-sucker in more ways than one.